In Which We Hate The Way We're Speaking To Each Other

Post Mortem

by DICK CHENEY

It's not polite to say who died on Downton Abbey. Most people don't even know. Their lives haven't changed as a result. We love people, especially wealthy individuals, in the specifics, since we sense we may become them. In the abstract, they disappoint us.

this guy

My other favorite show is Sons of Anarchy. Except for the Exorcist-like horror involved in watching Gemma Teller (Katey Segal) have sex scenes with Jimmy Smits, who plays a pimp on the show, it's fantastic. I spent the entire hour flexing my knuckles and lamenting that I'm too old to get on a bike. It would probably end more like this:

The first rule about Fight Club is that you never get on a motorcycle with someone wearing a Duke t-shirt. But we were talking about the death of Opie.

It's impossible to connect the phenomenon of a maudlin young motorcyclist (Ryan Hurst) dying in prison to save his boyfriend with the economy, except to say that watching the members of the MC mourn their large, closeted friend, all I could think of was how much money they saved on the funeral by having it themselves.

basically, your father is an idiot Lady Mary

I was gchatting with someone the other day who was telling me how boring they find scripted television. I explained that was probably because they couldn't see the sychronicity between Branson putting his wife between himself and the British government, and the president doing the exact same thing with Hillary Clinton.

She signed off in a huff and e-mailed me the entire Supreme Court opinion on Roe v. Wade. Having friends on the other side of the aisle is like being married to Lady Mary (tell me when you tire of these comparisons). Everything they think of is completely without regard for the economic realities of the world.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to gchat with Matthew Crawley, probably like sucking on a tootsie roll pop that has asparagus at its center.

branson, you disgust me

No one has done more to diminish the cause of Irish independence than Julian Fellowes. I haven't been this mad since South Park eclipsed the boundaries of bad taste and did a storyline making fun of how Bane sounded in The Dark Knight Rises.

Sorry, my mind is wandering a lot lately. It's a function of old age, and the relentless attacks on Mormonism in the mainstream media. I really don't understand this. One group of people believes in a supernatural human being who is supposed to return to Earth and save the world, and another believes a slightly different version of this myth, but is absolutely crazy for thinking this way.

The only thing worse than that is how many times I'll be writing, "The only thing worse than that" in this essai. The only thing worse than that, though, is how every single joke on Mike & Molly is still about how fat the male in the relationship is. It's bullying, and I find it disgusting. That's his natural build.

buy a large bed please

Doesn't it feel like they're making the bed look especially tiny? My only real problem with scripted television is that every single person on it is completely caucausian. Last night I found myself rewinding the trailer for Alex Cross just to interject a little diversity in my existence. The idea of Tyler Perry as a hardboiled cop hunting Jack Shephard from Lost is beyond my dreams. It makes me think of a Jhumpa Lahiri short story, that's how completely amazing it is.

the answer to Lost was a bright light coming out of a cave. Never forget.

Once I was in a country club where the hazing ritual involved watching all of the Madea movies in chronological sequence while you kept getting messages on your phone saying, "They passed another tax on capital gains!" The fact that no one finds it the least bit strange that Matthew Fox could convincingly play a serial killer should tell us something.

"Brickleberry"

The mere idea of Lost usually reduces me to tears. To cheer myself up I watch this show Brickleberry, which takes place in a national park. The point of Brickleberry is to be offensive, and make jokes about subjects that other shows won't touch. In theory this is an interesting concept but (1) Family Guy has been on the air for over two decades and (2) 90 percent of the jokes are simple racism. (The black character is named Denzel. Haha. Get it? If you don't, you're a fucking square.) (The other ten percent of the jokes are about women and gays.)

You start to understand why my liberal gchat friend hates scripted television. That is, until you watch the finest show airing on any network, The Thick Of It.

Malcolm Tucker and Rebecca Front on "The Thick Of It"

You know how Parks & Recreation pretends to be a show about politics, but is really just a larger forum for the writers of the show to copy down all the funny jokes they read on the internet and have comedians act them out? I can't believe they did an entire election storyline with Leslie Knope, and then occupied her time with solving the obesity problem in Pawnee and feuding over a bathroom. Not even I have that little faith in government.

Ben and December

Here is what all the punchlines on Parks & Recreation revolve around: Leslie is energetic, Ron eats free-range meat, Chris is depressed, Andy is stupid, April is a bitch, Adam Scott has a large head for his body.

You know, it's okay to have a person who has more than one aspect to his personality. It's called a fully-fleshed out character; the show's writers might have seen it in passing during the ninety seconds a day they peel their heads away from their iPhones. The only thing more embarrassing than this season of Parks & Recreation is having to read pathetic Emily Nussbaum essais about how much she worships Amy Poehler or how she doesn't want Parenthood to get canceled. Grow up.

Peter Mannion's aides on 'The Thick Of It'

I guess now that I am "retired", politics just bores me. Art lasts for a substantial duration, blog posts slightly less long. Does anyone remember the Whigs? Or what a dick Andrew Jackson was? I can't muster the energy. It's easier to just look to television for escape. That's why there is no better place to rest your head than the considerable problems of the British.

Unfortunately, most of middle America can't understand a single word said in Malcolm Tucker's Scottish accent, so they watch The Walking Dead instead.
 

The only thing worse than that is. There are people everywhere, when I wake. I have no right to judge them. Wake me up after the election.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. He last wrote in these pages about intercourse between Lady Mary and Matthew Crawley.

"Fear Is A Man's Best Friend" - Field Music (mp3)

"Heart" - Field Music (mp3)

In Which We Wonder Who Else Is Going To Love Precious

Born Into

by MEREDITH HIGHT

Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire

dir. Lee Daniels

109 min.

You should not go see the Tyler Perry/Oprah Winfrey-endorsed movie Precious for the novelty of seeing Mariah Carey sans makeup and Lenny Kravitz sans sunglasses and the sassy comedienne Mo'Nique stripped of any semblance of soul.

You should see Precious because it’s not just a movie about abuse or even triumph; it’s a movie about love that isn't told from the point of view of a helpless victim or a courageous survivor. It is told from the point of view of Precious (Gabourey Sidibe), who is given up on and at times wants to give up herself.

Precious is not just a victim, not just a survivor, not someone who is defined solely by her circumstances. Which yes, are bleak and relentless. But when you define anyone by what they have been born into, by what has been done to them – you are looking past who they are, stifling their spirit and denying their humanity.

Precious avoids this trite and predictable depiction by showing us who Precious is. And Precious is smart. She is funny. She is charismatic. She is strong. She is a good mother. She is loving. She is so much more than we would ever expect her to be.

She is everything she is not supposed to be, because she has been raped and abused and mistreated and kicked around in the streets. She is this person, despite the fact that the very people who are supposed to love her and care for her and protect her have taken advantage of her, in the most despicable of ways.

Oprah and the reviews keep saying what a monster Mo'Nique is in this movie, as Mary, Precious’ hateful and abusive mother. Yes, she is an evil, venomous, and selfish woman. But we see Mary, too, as a person. Someone who wants to know – who will love her? Who will take care of her?

To her detriment and certain demise, Mary never does learn what Precious learns. That you have to be able to look after and love yourself, before love can be given to you. It is Mary's weakness that allows such abuse to nearly define and consume Precious. But it is Precious’ strength, built from within but also through the love of a social worker, teacher and her classmates, that helps her to transcend her situation.

This urban family loves her through her aggression, her mistakes, her education, her triumphs, her failures, the birth of her second baby by her own father. And that is what family does, biological or not; they love you through life.

What this movie does differently is show us that Precious deserves this love. And that it’s possible for her to receive this love even though her own family has failed her so miserably. The film is all the more compelling because this love does not arrive in the form of a romantic relationship.

Throughout we witness distinctly original cinematic sequences: the dark humor and richly powerful scenes of Precious’ imaginary flights that allow her to remove herself from the present moment. The very moments when she is being beat up, forced to perform sexual acts on her own mother, or when she is being raped by her father as he says “Daddy loves you.”

When Precious arrives in the classroom and begins writing, her teacher asks her, how do you feel now?

I feel here, she says. I feel here. That is the beginning of her story.

Meredith Hight is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She tumbls here.

"Made for You" - OneRepublic (mp3)

"Everybody Loves Me" - OneRepublic (mp3)

"All the Right Moves" - OneRepublic (mp3)