In Which We Wonder Why We're So Ashamed

Bald Not Broken

by DICK CHENEY

Curb Your Enthusiasm
creator Larry David

Breaking Bad
creator Vince Gilligan

Being bald is more difficult than you can imagine. I remember the first hair I lost, really lost, floating among my blood and pus in the shower. It was so long I couldn't see the end of it. Every time I ran my fingers over my scalp, I was newly surprised by what I found.

As our nation's credit rating drops, a bald man (Alan fucking Greenspan) informs us that America "we can always print money." With this comment, Greenspan finally separated himself from the attachment to his idols Ayn Rand and Milton Friedman. Reading The Fountainhead, I never imagined Howard Roark bald, but looking back he probably shaved his head with a knife and ate squirrels. He didn't have time to try Rogaine, he had to blow up a building he thought was ugly. Baldness can be used for good or ill, just like Christianity or Pinkberry.

When I saw Aaron Paul bald in last night's Breaking Bad, something was altered deep within my carapace. In the bald community, Paul was known as a key holdout. The afternoon I realized that Sam Worthington actually had hair I screamed "William Fucking Buckley!" like I had seen a hairy ghost.

In the wake of certain people's proclamations that America itself is finished, bald men will have the last say. Every aspect of the culture has become a lightly veiled allegory for America's decline, although it is usually not so transparent as Boardwalk Empire. Yesterday I saw two entire families fighting over the last parking spot in the lot at Home Depot. Neither would move their car, so they just sat there. I almost cried, seeing that last hair in my tub, floating, immobile. But I did not cry.

Gifted with the hundreds of millions Seinfeld reaped for him when the show was sold into worldwide syndication, Larry David (Larry David) wants for nothing. After his wife Cheryl divorces him, he inspires his friend Marty Funkhauser to divorce his wife as well. All his closest buddies become suddenly single men in their 60s, and they find themselves the happiest they have ever been. Freed from the responsibility of being capable husbands and fathers to their children, they become children again themselves. (Larry even instructs one of his Girl Scout peers how to insert her tampon in an emergency.) The same thing happened in Rome, only without cable television.

Larry enjoys picking on women above all others on Curb. This is because they give him the reaction he desires. They make him feel alive because he wishes, despite his critical and financial success, to be rejected. In his heart of hearts, Larry believes he deserves to be scorned. Men compliment him on his superior comedy; women are the only ones capable of the disgust he senses when he masturbates to orgasm in the shower, or views his naked dome in the mirror.

Americans have taken most things for granted. An appointment is made, the person will show up. Larry's problems with bad parking, the selling of Girl Scout cookies, his friend's reaction to a Palestinian chicken restaurant, a german shepherd's last meal, Suzy's post-beverage sigh, his girlfriend's use of emoticons, have actually become comforting reminders of things we can control. Correcting such ethical lapses are a welcome distraction from the collapse of the society that surrounds Larry. In stark contrast, the men of Breaking Bad are afforded no such consolation. 

In the first episode of Breaking Bad's brilliant fourth season, Jesse Pinkman (the newly bald Aaron Paul) watched a man's throat cut in front of him (by a bald man) as a threat. Instead of horror, or shock, or rage at the death, his steely-eyed look conveyed one emotion only: peace. He had come to terms with the event, he understood the man who committed the murder, and knew he could not be harmed by him, because he felt himself already gone. Why are you not watching this show?

When Breaking Bad debuted on AMC in 2008, it concerned itself with an Albuquerque chemistry teacher in the thrall of apparently terminal lung cancer forced into the production of meth so he could leave his family with enough money to survive. It was his brush with death and poverty that pushed Walter White (Bryan Cranston) over the edge, but he had already known himself to be divorced from the world before he learned he was dying.

Like many, Walt felt disconnected from American culture. His friends and family viewed him, smilingly, as a harmless intellect within their midst. "Oh Walt," they sighed to themselves, "this man is as meek and good-natured as a housefly." He viewed their polite condescension as an impetus for evil. Upon discarding several business partners, he entered into business with two bald men and never looked back.

A few bald men wear toupees, or use chemicals to attempt to regrow what they lost, but most do not. When I first became bald this surprised me. I used to tool around Wyoming in my Mustang, my toupee rippling against the wind, attempting to be the man I was before it happened. It took some time to realize that I could not go back to that, really, that there was more strength in the truth of what I was.

Jesse Pinkman has come to a similar realization. He is a meth user, a junkie, and now a somewhat experienced chemist. His partner in the production of this brilliantly lethal drug is Walter White, now compelled to hide the shame of his actions from his family, creating an elaborate cover story that allows him to claim his drug money as the spoils of a gambling addiction.

Here we have a rough parallel for the political debate in this country. Liberals want to cover up the loss of American exceptionalism, since for some reason they regard it as an indictment of the current administration, by writing a check. Conservatives wish to reclaim it by acknowledging what seems painfully obvious: we are one broke nation, and when you can't cover your bills, best practice is to start. Although both Jesse and Walt are guilty of a crime, it is Jesse who accepts that he must pay for it.

That douchey pinhead John Judis actually suggested the only way to climb out of the recession was to get involved in a war! I can't really blame him for forgetting we're currently fighting two. When liberals start advocating for war, I feel I have to zig where they zag.

The only people disappointed by an American fall from grace are those who actually think America is the greatest country in the world. Whether it is or isn't is not my point. A man with hair believes he is better than a bald man because he has hair; when that recedes, he philosophizes, "I may be losing my hair, but at least I am not completely bald."

He is a fool. No man is better than any other. I think I read that in Highlights or maybe that time I went to the vet and fell asleep reading a brutally boring copy of The Economist. The person who reads The Economist believes he is better than another person. The man with hair believes he is better than the man losing his hair. The man losing his hair believes he is better than the man who is bald. An American only has to be an American.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He last wrote in these pages about George R.R. Martin's A Dance With Dragons.

"Honky Tonk Hiccups" - Neko Case & Her Boyfriends (mp3)

"The Virginian" - Neko Case & Her Boyfriends (mp3)

"Thanks A Lot" - Neko Case & Her Boyfriends (mp3)

In Which We Taste The Blood Of The Dragon

Queen's Walk

by DICK CHENEY

A Dance With Dragons
by George R.R. Martin
1040 pp

A light wind was riffling the waters of the pool below, all around the naked swordsman. It reminded him of how Tysha would riffle his hair during the false spring of their marriage, before he helped his father's guardsmen rape her.

- A Dance With Dragons

Have you ever half-remembered a rape you were involved in fondly when you saw the sight of lapping water? Then A Dance With Dragons is the book for you.

Reviewing HBO's first season of Game of Thrones was tough sledding. I know that I became insufferable in the thrall of the Iron Throne; I know that it was wrong to demand everyone call me "Blood of the Dragon." I considered a lot of tattoos that probably won't be as kewl after GRRM kills off both Arya Stark and CM Punk in the sixth volume of the series, A Meeting with Lawyers. Now that GRRM has received stereo blowjobs from Laura Miller and Rupert Murdoch, he doesn't have to work hard on his writing anymore. It's more of a free association game.

Worse, GRRM just doesn't know how to treat a lady. No amount of Asha Greyjoy sex scenes is likely to alter my view of this matter. Experience the "pleasure" of this "scene" from A Dance With Dragons:

Qarl followed her up to Galbart Glover's bedchamber. "Get out," she told him. "I want to be alone."

"What you want is me." He tried to kiss her.

Asha pushed him away. "Touch me again and I'll-"

"What?" He drew his dagger. "Undress yourself, girl."

"Fuck yourself, you beardless boy."

"I'd sooner fuck you." One quick slash unlaced her jerkin. Asha reached for her axe, but Qarl dropped his knife and caught her wrist, twisting back her arm until the weapon fell from her fingers. He pushed her back onto Glover's bed, kissed her hand, and tore off her tunic to let her breasts spill out. When she tried to knee him in the groin, he twisted away and forced her legs apart with his knees. "I'll have you now."

"Do it," she spat, "and I'll kill you in her sleep."

She was sopping wet when he entered her. "Damn you," she said. "Damn you damn you damn you." He sucked her nipples till she cried out half in pain and half in pleasure. Her cunt became the world. Only his hands mattered, only his mouth, only his arms around her, his cock inside her. He fucked her till she screamed, and then again until she wept, before he finally spent his seed inside her womb.

"I am a woman wed," she reminded him afterward. "You've despoiled me, you beardless boy. My lord husband will cut your balls off and put you in a dress."

Qarl rolled off her. "If he can get out of his chair."

The room was cold. Asha rose from Galbart Glober's bed and took off her torn clothes. The jerkin would need fresh laces, but her tunic was ruined. I never liked it anyway. She tossed it on the flames. The rest she left in a puddle by the bed. Her breasts were sore, and Qarl's seed was trickling down her thigh. She would need to brew some moon tea or risk bringing another kraken into the world.

I forgot to include a trigger warning, but by now you will understand that the source of much of George R.R. Martin's "original material" is actually the pre-marriage work of Tracie "Slut Machine" Egan. Her c-word became the internet.

what kind of wedding dress has pockets, Lynne?

If you really want to scare a woman into an erotic frenzy, try screening Last Tango in Paris the night before your honeymoon. That's how we used to do things before we elected a president who "loves" The Wire and Derrick Rose.

Whenever GRRM writes of a woman's constant need for sex, he is either wishcasting or channeling Valley of the Dolls. His attempt to channel the real thoughts and feelings of a woman is usually directed towards extremely mannish looking faux-women, like Brienne, Catelyn Stark, Penny and Jeyne. As usual, A Dance With Dragons includes a loveless wedding. Even Dany coldly sacrifices her own pleasure for the benefits of having a man around. What kind of lesson is this for our young women?

This fifth volume in the series begins a divergence from Martin's provisional POV-style. Various characters are introduced with ham-fisted chapter titles like "The Arrant Queen" or "The Cumswaddled Infant" or "The Voracious Eunuch." Varys himself manages to put in an appearance late in the work. The rest of the time, who knows? He probably just kicks back with a chardonnay and tickles the place previously occupied by his genitals.

Martin's most well-known character, that of the plotting halfman, is relegated to performing vaudeville for the Meereenese elite. Much of A Dance With Dragons takes place in the city which lies not very far away from the Valyrian environmental collapse. There is nothing worse than political writing dressed up to be something else.

the crown of Meereen

Are you honing in on the central metaphor yet? Martin's descriptions of the destroyed Meereen/New Orleans are disturbingly fresh. I view them largely as a personal criticism of myself. Liberals write all the novels. If someone tells you they wrote a novel, ask them if it's about a spy during World War II. If not, they undoubtedly voted for Barack Obama.

I did some counting of how many times GRRM used what I refer to as "key words" designed to objectify his female readers. Here were my tallies, which I have inscribed on a stone tablet I plan to cherish as a keepsake:

rape: 163

raping: 76

'You know nothing, Jon Snow's: 14

jape: 1,341

Mystical reminiscences of the time before the present: 103

Snacks: alarmingly few, except at the Wall where it's always fucking bacon and eggs. You have to carboload at the Wall because what else is there to do really?

oblique references to The Mad King Aerys: 54

crossbow: 17

grotesque yet moving reflections on Jamie Lannister's hand-wound: 3

sky cells: 0

Jon Snow, the central bastard-born protagonist of A Song of Ice and Fire, reveals little more about his mysterious origins. His actions, however, consist of behaving like a Machiavellian Harvard-educated undergraduate. He presumably acquired this wisdom from the cold as he waited out the decade between books he appeared in.

Listen, you have to make your mistakes in public service. This is a message not afforded Snow, whose idea to populate the Wall with wildlings is politically unfeasible according to those educated in the old ways. As for himself, he favors a shinier set of new gods and sometimes samples the wisdom of the Lord of Light, a futile replacement for true faith.

Areo Hotah

I have begun planning the Targaryen-Jon Snow wedding. He'll be wearing all white, like his dog. So will she. Samwell Tarly will be the best man, because he isn't around for more than a couple pages of A Dance With Dragons, as we get what basically amounts to a flashback where Jon sends him to be educated as a maester. Besides Tarly and the magnificent Dornish bodyguard Areo Hotah, every other person in the narrative is an attractive individual between the ages of 18-35.

I hate Davos Seaworth with every fibre of my being. It's great that you know how to read, but almost everyone can read, even George Stephanopoulus. He sounds out the words.

On the whole, A Dance With Dragons shows a lot more care than the rushed and incomplete A Feast for Crows. Many will grow impatient waiting for the two concluding volumes in A Song Of Ice And Fire. Dry those tears. Anticipating the future is ten times more entertaining than reading about a guy named Qarl penetrating an ironborn woman. The mystery and excitement of A Dance With Dragons comes in the moments when the characters aren't having unprotected sex with one another. A dragon descends from the heavens, and ascends. We want to imagine where he went, we don't want to really know.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. You can find his Game of Thrones reviews here.

"Here Comes The Rain Again" - The Watson Twins (mp3)

"Angelene" - The Watson Twins (mp3)

"Ain't No Sunshine" - The Watson Twins (mp3)

In Which We Try To Penetrate The Mystery That Is Me

Love Is The Death Of Beauty

by DICK CHENEY

We look at death from the selfish side, like, "That guy died. Oh, it's so sad." Why is it sad? He's away from all of this bad stuff that's here on Earth. I mean, at the worst, he's just somewhere quiet, no nothing. At best, he's an angel... or he's a spirit somewhere. What is so bad about that?

- Tupac Shakur

Apparently my last Game of Thrones essai was more confusing than I intended. I received several volumes of e-mails this week, the vast majority of which were dick pics. It should have been no surprise that the active and engaged members of my audience are all shaped like question marks, although one did recall the trunk of an elephant, and it was accompanied by letter signed "Deleuze and Guattari."

there is nothing worse in life than an art semiotics major with a big D

Such is the burden of the most talented Game of Thrones recapper since Alan Sepinwall was fired from the New Jersey Star-Ledger for reviewing The Real Housewives of Atlanta in blackface. Alan's review of last night's Game of Thrones contained the sentence, "Wow." written on one line, which is third most boring writer's crutch available to internet scribes after "Read the whole thing" and "My name is Joan Walsh."

Why do I recap Game of Thrones in my inimitable style while Alan Sepinwall insists on running retro-reviews of Deadwood because he's being blackmailed by Ian McShane? Why isn't my favorite website for women started by my favorite bloggeur called Aloha Giggles or Au Revoir Giggles? Why does my sun and stars insist on concluding every evening by watching three episodes of The Closer and then expressing her queries as to why Kyra Sedgwick would marry Kevin Bacon? It's because only I can answer the hard questions.

Where can I find a replica of Jon Snow's sword, Longclaw? Please ensure that my copy of Longclaw is accompanied by a signed certificate bearing the signature of George R.R. Martin.

Look no further! The sword that should have been wielded by Sir Jorah Mormont in his ancestral home of Bear Island can now be yours! Longclaw is available for a cool $240, and for an extra $20, I'll send you a podcast of myself saying, "Are you Lord Stark's bastard?" in an arch tone approximately 240 times. For an extra $20,000, I'll dress up like Ygritte and let you splash horse blood on my face.

Hypothetically, if I were to decide to use Longclaw to avenge myself on someone, who would suit the job?

Jon Snow's trademark blade can only be used to decapitate the woman who absorbed your virginity or to stoke a fire on which you plan to sacrifice a Democratic member of the House of Representatives. When you use Longclaw, it is best to whisper, You know nothing, Jon Snow, just in case anyone is listening. The cops, for example: they'll immediately assume you're just playacting scenes from Beyond the Wall and vacate the premises.

What illness did Khal Drogo come down with? Did his wife get too hot or something?

Khal Drogo was the recipient of a double diagnosis of social anxiety and esophageal cancer. I had a blind date named Horselord once. The real origin of Khal Drogo's sickness is obviously the slaying of true inheritor of the Iron Throne, Viserys Targaryen. Spiritual malaise follows. Since there is no magic in Game of Thrones, this will have to do.

Have you noticed anything different about Daeny lately? She's really commanding the hell out of Khal Drogo's raiding party.

The newly pregnant Daenerys Targaryen now looks like something of a Horselord. A similar facial resemblance brought a premature end to the career of Carly Simon. JK, the young Khaleesi looks better than ever in the thrall of her pregnancy, and her facial expressions have become something to behold. As that Yao witch spilled horse blood all over her beloved in an attempt to save Jason Momoa, her facial countenance was a perfect primastic mix of horror, revulsion, hope and honor.

How much would a medicinal horse cost in today's dollars?

Ask a horselord.

Does a facial count if it's blood from a medicinal horse?

No.

What about if the horse had a feminine name?

Khal Drogo's horse was not named Dandelion as has been rumored for eons.

uh, guys, who's coming on me?

How do you know the name of Khal Drogo's horse?

The same way I know Joan Walsh lacks first order brain function: (1) It's fucking obvious and (2) The Wall Street Journal. Only someone that mentally ill could actually believe the Congressman's claim his account was hacked. Don't get me started on the John Edwards adviser who wrote, "Weiner has an outstanding record supporting sexual rights of others, with 100% ratings from NARAL and Planned Parenthood, and has a strong record of support for gay rights." You think associating the cause of gay rights with this adulterer is a good idea?

Wow. ® Alan Sepinwall 2011

bring a horse with a more recently update twitter account and do it NOWWhy do the creators of Game of Thrones insist on showing 40 minutes of intense conversation about the White Walkers, but they refuse to display images of little person sex or the raiding party that captured Jaime Lannister? Don't they know that action is the soul of drama?

You know the financial guys on a particular television series are the ones with the brass balls when Game of Thrones doesn't show you the abduction of Jaime Lannister. As for the casting of Tyrion's Shae, I was still holding out a vain hope that Matthew Broderick would play someone in this drama. Since the only remaining option is Stannis Baratheon, we would seem to be at an impasse.

Is Samwell Tarly a spy, and if so, who is he working for?

Four books into A Song of Ice and Fire, much still remains unknown about one Samwell Tarly. Given that fact that George R.R. Martin resembles Samwell more than any other character outside of perhaps the long-deceased Balerion the Dread, we can suspect some special agency in his movements. I'm not a great person to ask this question, though, I have made my entire career in politics on the idea that everyone is working for someone else.

What are some party games that you enjoy after a few Heinekens with the brunette January Jones and her trained robot, Bronn the Bold?

You mean besides Black Swan: The Party Game? People stopped wanting to play Truth or Dare with me somewhere around the turn of the century, after I told over 400 people something Grover Norquist whispered into my ear about the estate tax on a dare. The Cheney family used to get together to play Truth or Dare, but so many people would come out of the closet during a typical game that it started making more sense to force people to admit they were straight. As for Bronn and Shae's cute game with their master: never Power Hour with the people you work with.

Did you escape combat in Vietnam much the same way that Tyrion escaped the sights, sounds, and smells of war near the Twins?

If your point was to remind me of my draft dodging, consider it a win. I spent most of Vietnam living it up - after all, I knew the next four decades of my life would elapse without my hair.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording and is regarded by some experts as Alan Sepinwall's baldest enemy. You can find last week's Game of Thrones recap here.

"Shadow, Follow Me" - Centro-matic (mp3)

"If They Talk You Down" - Centro-matic (mp3)

"Sordid States" - Centro-matic (mp3)

The new album from Will Johnson's Centro-matic is called Candidate Waltz, and it comes out from Undertow Music on June 21. You can pre-order it here.