In Which He Is Now The John Lennon of Domain Names

The Man Who Could Not Usually Be Silenced

by DICK CHENEY

Lost

Season Six

I heard last week's episode was focused on Kate. I was on Fox News during the original airing. I drunk gchatted some peeps later that night after a case of Buffalo Trace and a prostitute named Susquehanna. The only one up at 4 am is Charles Krauthammer, and after busting his chops for being in a wheelchair like Locke and Magic Johnson for a week in the late 1990s, I asked him if Kate ran from her problems for the entire episode. He typed "lol" and then excused himself to empty his bedpan.

Charles Krauthammer jokes aren't how I made my reputation - Lost recaps with read-between-the-lines political coverage are. Let's face it - I could write a more coherent argument than Glenn Greenwald just by using the frontal lobe of my brain.

I guess I'm just caught up in the critics of my evil deeds, like New Locke, a.k.a. the Man in the Black. The writers of Lost asked themselves, "Would it be cool if we created a NEW major antagonist of the series in the final season of its existence?" They answered yes, and recast Locke as the villain in the saint's body. At least the Borg had a shiny-looking cube.

It's difficult to enjoy the inspiring story of Locke getting fired for cause when I have nightmarish flashbacks to Sawyer showing Kate the gay wedding ring he bought for Juliet in last week's episode. This week, Sawyer pretended that never happened, while still cracking wise by drinking himself to death in his underwear.

In the meantime, New Locke found a boy in the woods who looks like young Jacob. Revolutions have been started from less, I think this is basically how the careers of Charles Manson and Bob Dole began. Everywhere I go people ask me how I got my start in politics. "I was in the jungle," I tell them. "I ran out of food and water. I saw Satan, and sold him my soul. Now I've come to take yours." And I then bring out these creepy fake teeth that I have to replace the lack of my not having real teeth anymore and scream like Chunk in The Goonies.

I really don't understand what happened to Lost. You have these iconic characters, and yet all you can find to do with them is go to some weird cave on the side of the island and look at "candidates" for the island's savior. That may be how the Democratic Party chooses gubernatorial candidates, but it's a far cry from a political process.

Lost is trying to move back towards the simple pleasures of its first season. Although this current one has suddenly vaunted itself into the competition of suck, the first season was actually incredibly slow and deliberate about what it hoped to accomplish. The larger vision of the island that was developed in the ensuing seasons is totally obliterated by the character-based stories the show wants to return to.

Now that we've found out Hurley is Rose's boss, I have come up with some other ways the cast can be suprisingly connected with each other in parallel Los Angeles:

- Claire makes a young mother faux pas and asks Walt to babysit for Aaron

- Sun gives Charlie a massage complete with happy ending

- Boone appears in a not-very-well-received adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' The Rules of Attraction

how was there no 'bueller' joke associated with this flashforward?- Kate sells her revolutionary book concept, Eat Pray Run

- Shannon explains the concept of thetans to Sayid before he joins Scientology

- Juliet commits the classic screwup by transferring Miles' domain name to a big corporation without notifying him and then lying about it

Seeing John Locke teach his fiancee about how there are no miracles recalled the brilliant lessons of George Bluth. Every time Katey Segal's face gets in my face, I can't get what she did to John Ritter out of my mind. Who knew that Married with Children would spawn three successful careers, one major eating disorder, and one complete failure? Speaking of weird casting, putting regulars from Lost on every other failure of an ABC show is wrong in so many ways. If they try to recast Michael Emerson as one of the guys with the girl in the pizza place, I'm going to have to commit an unrelated murder on whoever thinks Better Off Ted is funny.

harold and richard, get off this show and head to white castle guysThe only show I can really watch and enjoy besides Lost is of course Archer, where H. Jon Benjamin is doing a virtual clinic in how awesome he is at voice acting.

So far Aisha Tyler and Jessica Walter are underwritten and annoying, but it's comforting to find a show that's honest about its objectification of women instead of just putting Evangeline Lilly in a wife-beater for the better part of five seasons.

"wait a second - does the doc have a higher number because he's kewter than me?"The parallel universe Los Angeles is likely to ensure what we should already know by now - even in this wonky version of the future, the names written on the wall of the Man-in-Black's masturbation cave were headed for the island even if Oceanic Flight 815 never crashed at all.

You're probably wondering why I've been in the news lately. It's partly because I saw Sarah Palin reading off her hand and wanted to make the save, and partly because if k.d. lang is confident enough to look like that in public, so am I.

A young tumblr's story has recently inspired me to speak out. The man who created pitchfork.tumblr.com had it stolen away from him. Tumbledore's fight to become the Yoko Ono of domain names has already embarrassed one really insecure tumblr "director of outreach." Her outreach is about as effective as Ari Fleischer was at hiding my more profanity-laced e-mails, and her memoirs about this incident on a rival website leave something to be desired. A lot of hurt feelings hopefully won't mar the fact that my favorite blog in the world is located on tumblr, and also my second favorite. Never hire an oversharer to do what an undersharer can do just as well.

you hurt the feelings of a beautiful young tumblr in the prime of his tumbling. all he wanted was to post pics and songs for uWe now all tenderly await meaghano's memoir about her customer experience with tumbledore, replete with a raunchy sex scene where she dry humps a printed out e-mail. With a little luck this can turn into something Don King can really get behind.  Hopefully I will read about meaghano and tumbledore's 2012 nuptials in an elaborate NYT wedding profile where instead of them posing together, their websites pose for a series of photos. The initial enmity between the two melted over a series of e-mails and meet-ups at Pinkberry. The two quickly found they shared a grudging respect for Choire Sicha, and neither knew how to pronounce his first name.

tumbledore claims nothing! it is you who have to answer for your sins!!!Young tumbledore demonstrates a devil-may-care attitude that Sawyer would do well to follow. At the very least he won't have to do awkward rope ladder stunts with a former paraplegic and he can focus on having heart-to-hearts with Richard about how new Locke wants to kill his friends. The island's jungle has turned into more of a sausagefest than Gawker.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. He is marketing a line of "Free Tumbledore" tee-shirts that you will be excited to hear about in the coming daze. You can read his review of the Lost premiere here.

"Killing the Ghost" - Matthew Ryan (mp3)

"Jane I Still Feel The Same" - Matthew Ryan (mp3)

"They Were Wrong" - Matthew Ryan (mp3)

Ryan's incredible new album, Dear Lover, comes out this week.

In Which Lost Starts A Race War In Its Season Premiere

White Paradise

by DICK CHENEY

Lost

Season Six

Kaltxì. Ngaru lu fpom srak. Fì-skxawng-ìri tsap’alute sengi oe. Tsun oe nga-hu nì-Na’vi pängkxo a fì-’u oe-ru prrte’ lu.

What's that? You haven't taken the Introduction to Na'vi course I've been offering at the Learning Annex since Jesus's birthday came and went? No matter, as soon children will be communicating entirely in Na'vi, a language that has no word for pedophile, champion, and, strangely, sandwich.

let me help you dig her grave - we can make a kissing game out of it With Lost back on the airwaves, I am back on This Recording with a contract that permits me to make fun of Lambert for being a ginger as often as I like. Since my thoughts about how revolting I find Evangeline Lilly haven't graced these pages in awhile, much has changed. My Obama jokes are no longer as amusing since our country Chinua Achebed all over my pantaloons. This is a time for all Americans to live together or die alone like Shepard Smith or Jennifer Garner in Valentine's Day.

In response to the revolutionary debut of Avatar, two serious changes have come about in my post-vice-presidential life. First, my dietician now knows exactly what I'm talking about when I tell him I want Sam Worthington's body. Second, the white majority that produces Lost is finally realizing that it's OK to be racist. Racism is the only thing that can save us from four more years of BO apologizing for the billions he gave to banks during his State of the Union.

Outward racism is all the rage these days. Vanity Fair highlighted the most promising eating disorders in Hollywood and they didn't even tab the girl from Precious. On a scale of one-to-ten how surprised would you be if you found out Graydon Carter owned slaves?

what's the na'vi word for three-way? Lost has taken up the James Cameron-related charge to make fools of people of color with the most naïve aplomb since Joss Whedon told Fox execs that everyone would enjoy Dollhouse. Last night's two hour long Lost premiere began with Jack on a plane, condescendingly observing the show's only interracial couple, regaling them with smiles and plaudits alike. He was about five seconds away from handing Rose and Bernard a nickel - Everything That Rises Must Converge-style.

From there we went back to the island. Somehow detonating a hydrogen bomb didn't fix everyone's problems, although it did work wonders as a time travel device, taking the cast from 1977 to 2010 with everyone alive and Kate somehow in a tree. In the ensuing fracas, Sawyer blood-kissed Juliet and it was astonishingly only the third most awkward kiss of 2010 after Margene and Benny Hendrickson's Big Love smooch and Jenna Elfman kissing anyone.

"let's watch keeping the faith on DVD and observe how hot I was before scientology!"Hugo Reyes, the show's only surviving Latino character, is continually depicted as a slow-witted consumer of chicken who despite great verbal faculty in some areas, reverts to "dudes" and "come on" faster than B.J. Novak tricks girls. Don't get me started on the show's Asian characters. I'm not exactly well-educated enough to completely explain why depicting a Korean man as a glorified thug and an Asian-American as a medium is more objectionable than giving the native population on Pandora dreads for hair, but it just feels wrong.

why didn't I think of sending messages like this? how the f do you subpoena an ankh?Now that we know the man in black is in fact the smoke monster, his battle with Jacob is starting to more closely resemble a race war than a feud between two gods. AWB (Acting While Black) on Lost is considered a faux pas at best. When I was in Cali for the Chargers game a few weeks ago I saw the character formerly known as Walt at a tumblr meet up. It was so depressing I wanted to fly him to Waikiki and play chess with him for hours.

This wasn't the only thing that felt a little awry last night. The dramatic opening pan through miles of underwater CGI looked awful, and the rest of the two hour episode was shot on about three sets. Lost is starting to resemble the output of a very serious improv troupe with the director calling from offstage, "OK, Evangeline, in this scene Kate wants to run. Do you copy? She is going to run from her problems instead of dealing with them. Do you need a second with that?"

"lefleuer, your dick is about .038 oden. you're welcome"In many ways, this interminable premiere was a just a tying up of loose ends. Now that Elizabeth Mitchell has a new acting job staring at CGI spaceships (ABC tried to Avatar-up V with little success), she doesn't need to make vague and unhelpful suggestions about LeFleur harboring long lost feelings for Kate. She was a broken record with that stuff. If television has taught us anything, it's that the timely death of a lover opens up a multitude of romantic possibilities. At the very least, John Edwards has this to look forward to.

the long con beginsJosh Holloway looks like he's been chasing ass in L.A. since last season ended, and his obsession with Jack was never the show's most successful storyline. Jack isn't all that sympathetic, and Sawyer is about as appealing as a widower with blood all over his face can be. Jack's arrogant dismissal of Locke's paralysis was typical for doctors. They always think they're the best at everything. It's so predictable. Now that Sawyer is about as compelling as a Cabbage patch kid, this show needs a protagonist, stat.

if there is any one thing this show needs, it is ian mcshane Of course the most annoying moment of the premiere was when every d-bag in the world whispered to his friends, "That guy was on Deadwood!" when John Hawkes showed up to interpret the vague directions of the Asian warlord Other who controls the fountain of the youth. Jesus guys, even Ponce de Leon thinks that's a bunch of racist crap. James Cameron is cringing, and he invented racism.

"at least I'll be able to find acting work after this show ends"Also put out to pasture for most of the episode was Sayid. Despite the weird moment where he told everyone to get out of the way as he kicked down the bathroom door of Oceanic Flight 815 to save Driveshaft and Jack and the crew looked at him like he had a box-cutter, Sayid is the only minority with a slightly positive portrayal. Actually they've been portraying him as a vicious murderer and torturer for the last five seasons, so I take that back.

Reinventing yourself is a subject near and dear to my heart. Y'all knew me as a boisterous, controlling, megalomaniacal vice president who loved e-mail, gchat, and Lost spoilers. In my new life, I spend most of the day pounding Buffalo Trace and snacking on chimichangas. Lost may be insane and contradictory, but above all it is familiar. You always know where you stand with respect to Lost, which is more than I can say for my wife Lynne.

OK see you next week. I will spend every day between now and next Tuesday trying to believably photoshop myself onto Greg Oden's body.

Dick Cheney is the former vice president of the United States and the senior contributor to This Recording.

did our penises just touch

In Which We Blow Up Carlton Cuse And Damon Lindelof

Lost: This Season Had To End Sometime

by DICK CHENEY

When I was six I had a chicken that walked backward and was in the Pathe News. I was in it too with the chicken. I was just there to assist the chicken but it was the high point in my life. Everything since has been anticlimax.

-- Flannery O'Connor

As this gratuitious and bizarre season of Lost ended, we were reminded of just how many characters and twists this show has contained in its short time. Francis Ford Coppola released a chronological version of his Godfather trilogy for TV purposes. Surprisingly seeing events in the order in which they occurred loses nothing from the original chopped up version of his masterpiece.

That won't be the case for Lost, a drama entirely dependent on how it is told for its oomph. Here's where we left the characters of the show at the end of the last season finale in the show's history:

a good man is hard to findJacob

Job: Sandy-haired deity of the island

Bangs: Never, lacks human genitalia

Dead? Most likely

It was the casting dilemma of the millennium: what would a deus ex machina look like if you had to hire an actor to play him? Spurning the desperate pleas of Philip Seymour Hoffman, Anthony Michael Hall and Philip Baker Hall, the powers-that-be hired the guy who washes my car.

He then proceeded to spend the better part of two hours saying hi to all the castaways but only really doing one thing -- killing Sayid's gf. He's clearly omnipotent, but he is also mortal if the Esau-looking dude at the beginning of the episode is to be believed - you know, the one who later inhabits Locke's body. In short, this was the most disappointing reveal since I lost enough weight to be able to see my penis for the first time since 1963.

"jacob, you got hard for me. no one's done that before."Jack Shepard

Job: Faraday's houseboy, doctor, fixer

Bangs: Kate until she got bored of it and fixated on her stolen baby instead

Dead? Richard says he watched him die, so yes

Jack's ill-fated plan to bring the bomb to the blast site was undermined by Miles' smart aleck comments and Sayid's annoying flesh wound. His buried desire for Kate surfaced once again - clearly he didn't see the flop sweat she was displaying so prominently through the episode. It's unclear what exactly was so great about Jack's previous life that he wants to return to it, but what is clear is that he's not going to, since then the show would be over.

"I do not give you permission to do her!!!!!!!!!"Juliet

Job: housewife of LaFleur

Bangs: Sawyer

Dead? [crosses fingers]

The blonde was seemingly written off the show, until the 135th deus ex machina of as many episodes wrote her back on it. If she never appears on my television again, great, but Elizabeth Mitchell seems destined to start the long awaited lesbian bee stung lips storyline on Grey's Anatomy. Did she detonate the bomb? Sure. Destiny found.

The Four-Toed Statue

Job: Houses "the one who will save us" as Richard put it in some language I don't understand

Bangs: He licks Carlton Cuse's clit with his tongue

Dead? Most likely never alive

Sobek's ambiguous nature led some Egyptians to believe that he was a repairer of evil that had been done, rather than a force for good in itself, for example, going to Duat to restore damage done to the dead as a result of their form of death. He was also said to call on suitable gods and goddesses required for protecting people in situation, effectively having a more distant role, nudging things along, rather than taking an active part.

The completed four-toed statue matches common depictions of the Egyptian god Taweret who is frequently shown with the head of a crocodile, (as was Sobek, another Egyptian god). Taweret was the counterbalance to Apep, the original Egyptian god of chaos and evil. This adversarial relationship is not unlike the one Jacob appears to have with the other man on the beach.

Word.

life is like a box of chocolates you dead cuntLocke

Job: Stirrer upper

Bangs: No one

Dead? Yes

Now that Locke has been revealed to be the third deus ex machina by which some force kept in check on the island hopes to upset Jacob's rule, sides are going to be taken. Shit is going down. This unknown force enlistened the smoke monster and counts the temple as its home, but it's also free to visit Jacob and say hi and stuff. He wanted Jacob dead from the beginning...of the episode. Rightfully, this should have been the tease at the beginning of the season, but that would demand that the show's writers think ahead further than one week, and they smoke too much herb to accomplish that.

Richard Alpert

Job: Advisor to the island's leader, a job "he has had for a very long time."

Bangs: probably a god like Jacob and New Locke, so gets his carnal
pleasure from toying with humans

Dead? No. Possibly immortal.

Like a fallen angel doomed to fret among the mortals, Richard didn't appear to have much in the way of free will. He serves whoever the leader of the island is, a job that was held by Eloise Faraday. Who preceded her, we have no earthly idea. Richard's service to Jacob has now come to an unexpected end, so it would seem that the final season holds much in store for him.

Hurley

Job: calorically challenged misunderstander, angel

Bangs: Michael tragically robbed him of the ability to crush Libby under him during an ill-fated sex attempt

Dead? Probably not.

Hurley's insightful cab ride parallels my experience with most Washington D.C. area cab drivers. Whatever is in that guitar case, it's probably going to be a disappointment to Hurley unless it's sliders or pesto chicken sandwiches. The idea that Jacob gives you a choice in the matter has the Wachowski brothers filing a lawsuit in Superior Court as I write this word. Damn you Carlton Cuse.

"mister, you looking for a girlfriend?"Kate Austin

Job: second guessing strong men so they turn into indecisive fops, shoplifter, runner

Bangs: Sawyer she thinks until Juliet ruined their eye contact and made LaFleur kick Jack in the scrotum

Dead? Only if she can still run in Hell

Kate's mission was to stop Jack, until she was convinced after LaFleur kicked the doc's ass. She's the most frustrating character in the history of broadcast television, and she looks more like the captain of a field hockey team than an ingenue at this point. I'm more attracted to a wax replica of Rachel McAdams.

Ilana

Job: Jacob's standard-bearer, leader of the Israelites

Bangs: The David Ben-Gurion looking guy who carries her corpses for her

Dead? More alive than you or I

Ilana's biblical sounding name and devilish rear end came into our lives when she captured Sayid and brought him aboard an Al Ajira flight on her boss' say so. She met Jacob's enemy in Lockian form while on the beach and offered him a mango. She also apparently revealed that Jacob's enemy had occupied the cabin, posing as Christian Shepard and manipulating Claire. To save his sister, Jack's gonna have to kill his dad. That is if he survived a hydrogen bomb. Why am I still watching this show again?

Esau

Job: Jacob killer who can't raise an arm against his island bro

Bangs: No one, hopefully Kate in the final season

Dead? His corporeal form might be gone, but he has Terry O'Quinn's hardbody to tool around in

It was Eloise Faraday's elaborate plan that allowed Esau to inhabit Locke's form. Over the course of the season Ben and Richard commented that Locke seemed different. When they asked him how he knew he had to instruct himself to die, he said that the island told him. That could well be true, but we have little in the way of an idea of why Esau wants to kill Jacob, or what Ben doing so means for the rest of the island. But hey, at least the finale was competitive with Idol in the ratings.

Kris Allen

Job: John Mayer-esque acoustic crooner of Kanye's "Heartless" (mp3)

Bangs: His vapid-looking wife who looks like Juliet did during this episode and will be dumped shortly after the finale next week

Dead? No

Kris' dark horse run has taken him all the way to the finals. Despite Molly's liveblog, it's clear the Adam Lambert backlash has begun. Who exactly are fans of Danny Hokey more likely to vote for? And why did Adam scream the lyrics to U2's "One." I hate that song.

LaFleur

Job: Former director of security, he used to be a rebel, now he's a whipped man.

Bangs: whoever he wants

Dead? "What's done is done"

LaFleur bb, we had such hopes for you. Now you just listen to whatever Juliet tells you, and when she contradicts you, you tell her you have her back. You used to read Ayn Rand. Now you're a fucking collectivist. You represent everything bad that happened to a show I love. Remember when the light went on in the hatch? Remember when the Others took Walt? Remember when that storyline was abandoned when the actor playing Walt got too old? Remember when is the lowest form of conversation, but it was the highest form of televison drama. You had us, and you lost us.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. You can find his previous Lost recap here.

"Hold On (Switch LDN remix)" - Hot Chip (mp3)

"Touch Too Much (Kollectiv Termstrasse remix)" - Hot Chip (mp3)

"Hold On (Switch LA remix)" - Hot Chip (mp3)

"Touch Too Much (Ewan Pearson Remix)" - Hot Chip (mp3)