In Which Lost Starts A Race War In Its Season Premiere

White Paradise

by DICK CHENEY

Lost

Season Six

Kaltxì. Ngaru lu fpom srak. Fì-skxawng-ìri tsap’alute sengi oe. Tsun oe nga-hu nì-Na’vi pängkxo a fì-’u oe-ru prrte’ lu.

What's that? You haven't taken the Introduction to Na'vi course I've been offering at the Learning Annex since Jesus's birthday came and went? No matter, as soon children will be communicating entirely in Na'vi, a language that has no word for pedophile, champion, and, strangely, sandwich.

let me help you dig her grave - we can make a kissing game out of it With Lost back on the airwaves, I am back on This Recording with a contract that permits me to make fun of Lambert for being a ginger as often as I like. Since my thoughts about how revolting I find Evangeline Lilly haven't graced these pages in awhile, much has changed. My Obama jokes are no longer as amusing since our country Chinua Achebed all over my pantaloons. This is a time for all Americans to live together or die alone like Shepard Smith or Jennifer Garner in Valentine's Day.

In response to the revolutionary debut of Avatar, two serious changes have come about in my post-vice-presidential life. First, my dietician now knows exactly what I'm talking about when I tell him I want Sam Worthington's body. Second, the white majority that produces Lost is finally realizing that it's OK to be racist. Racism is the only thing that can save us from four more years of BO apologizing for the billions he gave to banks during his State of the Union.

Outward racism is all the rage these days. Vanity Fair highlighted the most promising eating disorders in Hollywood and they didn't even tab the girl from Precious. On a scale of one-to-ten how surprised would you be if you found out Graydon Carter owned slaves?

what's the na'vi word for three-way? Lost has taken up the James Cameron-related charge to make fools of people of color with the most naïve aplomb since Joss Whedon told Fox execs that everyone would enjoy Dollhouse. Last night's two hour long Lost premiere began with Jack on a plane, condescendingly observing the show's only interracial couple, regaling them with smiles and plaudits alike. He was about five seconds away from handing Rose and Bernard a nickel - Everything That Rises Must Converge-style.

From there we went back to the island. Somehow detonating a hydrogen bomb didn't fix everyone's problems, although it did work wonders as a time travel device, taking the cast from 1977 to 2010 with everyone alive and Kate somehow in a tree. In the ensuing fracas, Sawyer blood-kissed Juliet and it was astonishingly only the third most awkward kiss of 2010 after Margene and Benny Hendrickson's Big Love smooch and Jenna Elfman kissing anyone.

"let's watch keeping the faith on DVD and observe how hot I was before scientology!"Hugo Reyes, the show's only surviving Latino character, is continually depicted as a slow-witted consumer of chicken who despite great verbal faculty in some areas, reverts to "dudes" and "come on" faster than B.J. Novak tricks girls. Don't get me started on the show's Asian characters. I'm not exactly well-educated enough to completely explain why depicting a Korean man as a glorified thug and an Asian-American as a medium is more objectionable than giving the native population on Pandora dreads for hair, but it just feels wrong.

why didn't I think of sending messages like this? how the f do you subpoena an ankh?Now that we know the man in black is in fact the smoke monster, his battle with Jacob is starting to more closely resemble a race war than a feud between two gods. AWB (Acting While Black) on Lost is considered a faux pas at best. When I was in Cali for the Chargers game a few weeks ago I saw the character formerly known as Walt at a tumblr meet up. It was so depressing I wanted to fly him to Waikiki and play chess with him for hours.

This wasn't the only thing that felt a little awry last night. The dramatic opening pan through miles of underwater CGI looked awful, and the rest of the two hour episode was shot on about three sets. Lost is starting to resemble the output of a very serious improv troupe with the director calling from offstage, "OK, Evangeline, in this scene Kate wants to run. Do you copy? She is going to run from her problems instead of dealing with them. Do you need a second with that?"

"lefleuer, your dick is about .038 oden. you're welcome"In many ways, this interminable premiere was a just a tying up of loose ends. Now that Elizabeth Mitchell has a new acting job staring at CGI spaceships (ABC tried to Avatar-up V with little success), she doesn't need to make vague and unhelpful suggestions about LeFleur harboring long lost feelings for Kate. She was a broken record with that stuff. If television has taught us anything, it's that the timely death of a lover opens up a multitude of romantic possibilities. At the very least, John Edwards has this to look forward to.

the long con beginsJosh Holloway looks like he's been chasing ass in L.A. since last season ended, and his obsession with Jack was never the show's most successful storyline. Jack isn't all that sympathetic, and Sawyer is about as appealing as a widower with blood all over his face can be. Jack's arrogant dismissal of Locke's paralysis was typical for doctors. They always think they're the best at everything. It's so predictable. Now that Sawyer is about as compelling as a Cabbage patch kid, this show needs a protagonist, stat.

if there is any one thing this show needs, it is ian mcshane Of course the most annoying moment of the premiere was when every d-bag in the world whispered to his friends, "That guy was on Deadwood!" when John Hawkes showed up to interpret the vague directions of the Asian warlord Other who controls the fountain of the youth. Jesus guys, even Ponce de Leon thinks that's a bunch of racist crap. James Cameron is cringing, and he invented racism.

"at least I'll be able to find acting work after this show ends"Also put out to pasture for most of the episode was Sayid. Despite the weird moment where he told everyone to get out of the way as he kicked down the bathroom door of Oceanic Flight 815 to save Driveshaft and Jack and the crew looked at him like he had a box-cutter, Sayid is the only minority with a slightly positive portrayal. Actually they've been portraying him as a vicious murderer and torturer for the last five seasons, so I take that back.

Reinventing yourself is a subject near and dear to my heart. Y'all knew me as a boisterous, controlling, megalomaniacal vice president who loved e-mail, gchat, and Lost spoilers. In my new life, I spend most of the day pounding Buffalo Trace and snacking on chimichangas. Lost may be insane and contradictory, but above all it is familiar. You always know where you stand with respect to Lost, which is more than I can say for my wife Lynne.

OK see you next week. I will spend every day between now and next Tuesday trying to believably photoshop myself onto Greg Oden's body.

Dick Cheney is the former vice president of the United States and the senior contributor to This Recording.

did our penises just touch

In Which We Break Down The Slate of Fall TV

Fall TV Preview

by ELEANOR MORROW

June 10, 1991. It was the last day Twin Peaks aired new TV on broadcast television. Seinfeld had just replaced Night Court as NBC's Wednesday at 9 staple. Things were on their way up. Flash to whatever's left over from an era of televised brilliance.

We would never recover, and eventually we would drift from Must See TV into NBC boring us with Green Week and eliminating five hours of original programming.

NBC

Community with Joel McHale is at least one thing to be excited about on NBC's dreadful slate. They'll probably replace it at midseason with something starring Paul Rudd as a firefighter. How dreadful? The only thing they air in primetime during Tuesday is two full hours of The Biggest Loser. If I wanted to watch sad people struggle with their weight, I'd attend Rosh Hashanah with my family.

Although Joel McHale was probably better in The Informant, I am willing to watch him flick his eyes around no matter how bad the script is.

NBC is committing the cardinal sin in promoting a season by having two new shows with a similar name: Trauma and Mercy. Trauma looks hopeless, and Mercy not much better. Trauma at least appears to know how bad it is, while Mercy just features nurses working overtime in full makeup and looking like models.

traumaA kind of prologue to its long-running hit ‘E.R.’ in that it deals with young emergency medical technicians and the high-intensity medical cases they get involved in — before they reach the E.R. The show, set in San Francisco, features lots of helicopters and racing ambulances.

The Jay Leno Show could ruin as much as 10 percent of my aimless channel flipping. They should put this guy out to pasture like an old racehorse. One day there's a bullet in his hide and nobody's asking questions. This move was destined to fail because late night shows don't do primetime numbers, this is just a fact of the universe. Somewhere, Arsenio Hall is dead.

Day One won't appear until 2010, but it looks to be even more horrible than Heroes, if that is in fact possible.

ABC

ABC does a horrible job of promoting its comedies, which means there's really not any point in watching them because they are likely to die by midseason — their replacements are even listed on the schedule. It's better to roll shows out slowly instead of sticking eight programs on with a 15-person cast and hoping someone notices. Eastwick - based off a great Jack Nicholson movie - already made its premiere, and amazingly I hated it even more than Tom Shales did.

From what we can tell, Flash Forward consists of characters staring at each other from every discernible angle, often in mirrors. Furthermore it includes the actress Sonya Walger, who is now a world class surgeon. I hate to break it to you, but that's not accurate. Sonya Walger is Penny from Lost and that is all she will be. The show is based on a Robert J. Sawyer novel. It premiered on Thursday and had an OK premiere. The acting could be generously described as challenged.

Modern Family is probably the most offensive show on the network's fall schedule. It is also tremblingly unfunny. It will often be confused with Hank, which incredibly stars Kelsey Grammar as a middle class schlub, and The Middle, which airs right before it. No one but ABC knows anything about these shows. They are like theatrical productions where the actor's families are the only attending.

ABC is also premiering The Forgotten, which is amazingly not based on the movie of the same name, even those both products use the same title font. This show is ABC's attempt at a fall procedural. I am reminded of Don Draper's city mouse: "No one wants to think about forgetting when they're trying to remember to watch a show."

FOX

Fox extended a merciful stay of execution to a bunch of series that didn't deserve another chance including Dollhouse, Lie to Me, and Til' Death. At least there is hopefully no 24 in sight. In Fox's position, you should look to highlight television that is more experimental and different from the networks — seems like there would be a niche there. Go back to stretching boundaries rather than airing another half hour of Seth MacFarlane's diarrhea. My mother says Glee is good, but she also watches Dancing with the Stars.

CBS

CBS did the best job of balancing new programs with their existing slate, although it's not like there's anything to really look forward to here.

Juliana Margulies plays Eliot Spitzer's pathetic wife in The Good Wife. I would really hate to be Eliot Spitzer, although I guess he should be flattered they cast Chris Noth to play him. If my husband was Chris Noth, I'd put up with a lot more philandering than I would if my husband was Eliot Spitzer. In any case, this show was actually not terrible. Ultimately this show will struggle because no one is going to respect her for staying with Chris Noth despite his earthy good looks, and if you can't respect your protagonist, you have problems.

I still think The Good Wife will be a hit until she also cheats on her husband and everyone calls her a harlot.

I realize these procedurals make a lot of money, but I wouldn't trust these two to babysit my kids, let alone fight crime. Also, Chris O'Donnell is not even the best O'Donnell anymore.

In Jenna Elfman's Accidentally on Purpose she basically has the plot of Knocked Up, but everyone is slightly better-looking. At least CBS does a decent job introducing comedies — you should do it progressively and hype it on your central show, in this case they have the ratings dynamo of Two and a Half Men.

In trying to make a mainstream show that would appeal to everyone, they achieved the exact opposite with Accidentally On Purpose. This is a very strange world. Jenna Elfman and her friends (the incomparable Ashley Jensen and the weird-looking Lennon Parham) plot to get impregnated by a 23-year-old busboy who lives for Grand Theft Auto and weed. Then when she tells him about the baby he's totally cool with it and wants to go to her gyno appointment. I kept waiting for Judd Apatow to pop out of a box and scream, "Surprise!"

Eleanor Morrow is the senior contributor to This Recording. She tumbls here.

"Grey" — Ashley Monroe and Brendan Benson (mp3)

"Consider Me" — Ashley Monroe and Brendan Benson (mp3)

"Ballad of Pretty Baby" — Ashley Monroe and Brendan Benson (mp3)