In Which The Nighted World Searched For The Blood Of Elves

LOLysses

by MOLLY LAMBERT

I'm starting a pornographic DVD series called The Lester Bangs Bus. We pick up girls. Then instead of fucking them we drive around aimlessly for several hours, end up at a little diner somewhere, treat them to a patty melt and a piece of pie, go back to our apartment, play them some ABBA b-sides and smoke a joint together, talk some shit for a while, and then drop them back off confused but wiser. 

The new Grizzly bear album Veckatimest is awesome. I predict a lot of indie rock 'grown & sexy' types will be 'making babies' to it.

ultimate indie rock babymaking sndtrk

My Bloody Valentine

The Velvet Underground (just the 'chill' songs)

Yo La Tengo

Neutral Milk Hotel (only if u are under 16)

special mixtape u made

Sade

sumthing 'ironic' like speed metal or R. Kelly Clarkson

I don't think I would 'recommend' listening to the nu Grizzly Bear album if you are 'on mushrooms' unless u are very 'experienced' because it is pretty deep and seems like u might think some pretty dark thoughts or get all flipped out by the complex choral parts and 'nontraditional time signatures.' 

I think the pfork reviewer might have been on drugqs bc she seems to think the record is called 'Chinese Democracy', and I'm pretty sure China is still 4 communist bros. 

Then again u could maybe put Veckatimest on ur ipod and go on an intense journey through the woodlands armed only with your sword. U'd have to b careful not to go all Big Lurch on any1. That's y you need to make sure ur drugs r not laced, and only buy hallucinogens from level 5 mages with LEGIT CERTIFICATIONS. 

Why r hipsters so obsessed with music that makes them feel like they r in a medieval fantasy world? I'm talking Bat 4 Lashies, Godspeed U Black Emperor, and Joanna Newsbro (is she still dating Samwise Gangee?) 

I started writing a novel. It's called "The Great CRLSby." It's the story of a young anon music blogger who invents a successful brand identity and rises 2 the top of alt-society without prior connections or rich parents.

It's an inspirational story but ultimately also a tragic 1, as the narrator (me) watches while the great CRLSby finds out that the glittering aspirational world of alt-fame is not everything it's cracked up 2 b.

1 of the coolest members of a cool new cool band turns CRLS onto a drug called "Fork" and he spirals down into a tunnel of addiction and shame and ends up a hikikomori. It's like "Citizen Kane" but 4 an internet. The novel is written in hypertext braille and you can download it directly to your FacePod.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey is the new Sopranos. It's styled to resemble the Sopranos, down to the characters conversing around a singular sidewalk table a la Satriale's Pork Store. Caroline is the HBIC. 

Let's talk about the real shocker of our time, Archie is proposing to Veronica? Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, Veronica belongs with Reggie, because Reggie is the O.G. Chuck Bass and Veronica is a total Blair Waldorf. So what now? Is Betty going to have to go Taylor Swift on a bitch? Will she have to pity bang Jughead to try and make Arch jealous? Are Moose and Midge in an abusive relationship?

Didn't this already happen in "Love Showdown," publishers of Archie comics? I believe he chose a buxom redhead by the name of Cheryl Blossom. That was a fallacy, as gingers do not date their own kind. But have we reached the point of no return for new Archie plotlines? I fear future Archies may become stale and repetitive.

I'm looking fwd to the future, when Halle Berry's daughter and Shiloh Jolie Pitt get gay married on motorcycles at the top of Kangchenjunga. Meanwhile in the future perfect present, Spock's mom is looking pretty SMILFY. Fuck the GOOPsters. Winona 4ever.

Molly Lambert is the managing editor of This Recording. She tumbls here. She last wrote in these pages on the subject of the American Idol finale.

"Ypsilanti Is Seething" - Joshua Barton (mp3)

"You're Just A Baby" - Joshua Barton (mp3)

"Head Hang Low" - Joshua Barton (mp3)

"Pillaged Land" - Joshua Barton (mp3)