In Which Jessica Chastain Remains A Hell Of A Drug

Protective Coloration

by ALEX CARNEVALE

Crimson Peak
dir. Guillermo Del Toro
119 minutes

Del Toro cast Mia Wasikowska as a girl whose mother dies and reappears to her as a ghost, a trauma that causes her to do the voiceover for Crimson Peak. I know he has not seen any of Mia's other movies, since directors are obsessed with having her do the voiceover for her characters; here she intones in complete seriousness, "Ghosts are very real." Del Toro uses her hair as a lethal weapon, so blonde it is almost white. By the end of the lengthy trudge that is Crimson Peak we can barely tell whether she is a ghost or angel. Sadly, it probably does not matter.

Wasikowska's character is an aspiring author, and Del Toro even names her Edith. She has written an entire manuscript by hand, and her rich father uses his influence to get her ghost story read by a potential publisher. That man does not really think her concept is marketable, and so when she meets Thomas (Tom Hiddleston) a mining entrepreneur, she puts her writing aside for love. Her father (Jim Beaver) disapproves and hires a private investigator to dig into the background of his daughter's boyfriend.

Guillermo Del Toro is great at tons of things that don't actually involve making a compelling story. He is a genius at art direction, at style, at composition and framing. He is pretty bad to mediocre at surprising anyone. There is nothing the least bit scary about Crimson Peak, outside of the early scene where Mia's mom appears, her black ghost fingers wrapping around her child, to say, "Beware Crimson Peak." It was all downhill after that.

Casting is not one of Guillermo's fortes either. Perhaps his first choice for the role of this drama's Heathcliff, Benedict Cumberbatch, could have convincingly portrayed a man who after three murders, is suddenly unsure whether he still wants to fuck his sister (a brunette Jessica Chastain) and take the money of his soon-to-be-deceased wives. Hiddleston is so dull he resembles a brooch.

It would have made the film vastly more interesting if they had just swapped the female casting, allowing Chastain to play a fledgling author and Mia an incestuous blonde.

Del Toro offered Universal the pick of two projects; the other being a Lovecraft adaptation. Given the amount of patience it takes to sit through the one note plot of Crimson Peak, they made the wrong choice. Chastain tries to save the entire thing, but her perverse glee in her circumstances is kind of inappropriate given she is a poor woman whose only romantic option is her brother.

At the end she is playing the piano and despite yourself you feel even more sorry for her than you do for Mia. Wasikowska chose to become part of this family; Chastain was born into madness.

Crimson Peak would have been a lot better with even the slightest bit of humor, since there is nothing particularly entertaining in watching Wasikowska fall ill from the poisons her husband's sister/fuck-buddy places in her porridge. She is maybe saved by a doctor who admired that mane-like hair before her marriage to Thomas. The doctor is played by Charlie Hunnam (Sons of Anarchy) and his wretched accent is a highlight of the film's ending sequence. (His acting is not.)

Crimson Peak has the name because red clay seeps up through the snow in Jessica Chastain's decrepit manor. Del Toro turns the one set he does he have into a magnificent showpiece, but it seems clear he is working on a budget after the visual splendor of his recent films. Pacific Rim had a lot worse of a script, but at least you knew that Guillermo was having a good time. If you want to remake Rebecca, just remake Rebecca.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.

"Do You Like That" - Lena Fayre (mp3)

In Which We Catch A Strain Of Something Wonderful

The Folscrum Effect

by DICK CHENEY

The Strain
creators Guillermo Del Toro & Carlton Cuse

When a bald man is given hair for a particular part — in this case the leading role in Guillermo Del Toro's The Strain — we call that a folscrum in Yiddish. Mounting a turgid wig atop the skull of bald congressman Peter Russo in House of Cards (Corey Stoll) is a capital crime. But then, there are a lot of crimes going unpunished in the world at this time. The Strain is about how all the bad things that happen to humanity are really its own fault.

Just like in the news, The Strain concerns an entire flight of human beings being murdered. While such violence seems senseless in the real world, in The Strain death at least has a purpose. The downed Malaysian Airlines flight in the Ukraine forced Western countries to send a bevy of investigators to the scene of the disaster. Because that's what this scene of total annihilation required — bureaucrats from organizations with names like The Center for Security and Cooperation. Ronald Reagan would have been like, "Give me the names and locations of the people responsible."

they even stole the chyron from House of Cards - don't meet your Dad at the Washington Metro, kid

Pampered Westerners never realize the severity of aggressors until things get out of hand. Even after Hitler invaded Poland there were still British politicians who felt things could be patched up with the moustached dictator. Forgiving them their naiveté is easier than accepting those people who want to "investigate" an act of war. "The black boxes will be crucial," they scream, and then submit a report and go back to their wives. Miss you so much RR.

after 200 people have been infected with a parasite, maybe not the best time for canoodling Peter Russo, if that is your real name

The Strain has a similar group of innocents trying to figure out why all the victims perished with only a small incision in their throat to account for cause of death. Only one coroner is permitted to look over the bodies, and when the bodies start to wake up, he is overwhelmed by their need for vampiric sustenance. The Strain imagines this plague only in medical terms — as a disease with a small snake-like host.

Del Toro frequently uses non-white characters in his films, and The Strain is no exception. He has carefully transcended the boundaries of typical roles offered Latino actors by casting a Queens-born Latino character as a criminal with a heart of gold who is working for some kind of undead conglomerate. Progress, indeed. At least Peter Russo's love interest is a woman of color.

The part of the open cadaver was, I think, played by Mary Elizabeth Mastroantonio

For Del Toro, presentation is everything, and The Strain takes a tired New York setting and brings the action in all the boroughs you do not normally see on The Good Wife. Originally Fox executives wanted to turn Del Toro's concept into a comedy. This is a lot less of a stretch than you might think, since there is always something hokey and broad about the way Del Toro writes characters — they are so frequently exactly what they seem.

Nothing gets Corey Stoll as sexually riled up as couples therapy and the outbreak of a potentially fatal disease.

Fortunately, this fits exactly with Lost showrunner Carlton Cuse's ideas about character and plot. Cuse eschews believability at all times, preferring to opt for a more fanciful approach that means somehow the CDC would be the only organization involved in trying to ascertain why an entire plane full of people ended up dead. No FBI or CIA would even get involved; there's not even a hint of Europe's ever-so-important Center for Peace Relations NGO. It's basically just drunk congressman Peter Russo and the babe he is cuddling responsible for the answers, which makes sense.

"People, quiet please. I'd like to talk to you today about how I used to be bald. That's over now. There was a folscrum."

It is hard to complain about the silliness when a show is as slick and gorgeous as The Strain is. Del Toro's technical acumen in integrating film-quality special effects into this television series blows away anything we have seen before. He makes the amateur hour bullshit on Game of Thrones look like a kid's level diorama. I can't even look at Daenerys' pathetic dragons now without thinking how absurdly fake they are.

There is a different, more cinematic feel to what The Strain offers. Maybe it's the presence of Samwise Gamgee, or having unusual locations in such a familiar place. So much of television seems to be a matter of holding back the best material for later. This exhausting strain (cough) of set-up after set-up after set-up numbs us to what the best thrillers offer — escalation of stakes and conflict beyond our imagination.

An inside look into Elizabeth Warren's master bedroom.

Despite the book version of The Strain — written with the indescribably bad Chuck Hogan — being so terrible, this concept was made for a series, where we can be subsumed by the vapid spectacle of watching a vampire thousands of years old wait all this time just to get across the bridge from Queens to Manhattan. It is a relief not to have to look at Stephen Moyer's face anymore.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is obsessed with Emily Gould's novel Friendship at this time, and only takes breaks from rereading it to watch The Strain and Hemlock Grove. He hates Alan Ball with an all-encompassing passion.

Hobbits aren't great with technology.

"May 15" - Wray (mp3)

"Blood Moon" - Wray (mp3)

wasn't this guy the lead singer in Mumford & Sons?