In Which Prioritize Our Own Particular Problems

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I have a colleague in my workplace who I will call Kevin. Although I have given him zero encouragement of any kind, Kevin feels the need to confide the vast details of his inner life to me at every opportunity.

Since he does so without my permission, I will reveal what he has told me without his. He has a very tumultuous relationship with his fiancee, who seems to be some kind of monster. Or maybe she is wonderful and Kevin is the monster, which seems as likely. The two argue often, and my supervisor has even reprimanded Kevin for raising his voice on his cell phone.

Despite the fact that I never engage with him in conversation, Kevin constantly asks me for advice and coworkers see as a pair. This is counter to all of my aims and probably not great for my career. At the same time, pissing Kevin off is going to make work even more unpleasant and difficult, so I need him happy. Can you help me?

Doug R.

Dear Doug,

If you attempt to get Kevin to help you with an even more unappealing problem, he will probably be less likely to involve you in his own. This is a very risky road to take however, since there is a possibility he will spin you even more fluidly into his sick web. You can test the waters in this direction and see if this gets him off your back, since many people are as naturally uncomfortable being involved in others' affairs as they are comfortable talking about themselves.

What Kevin may find useful about your presence is that you require nothing from him. If in fact this only draws Kevin closer, you can now take more extreme measures. It is best that you use another coworker, preferably female or male or if you are gay, and bring him or her into your confidence. You can replace Kevin; it is like when Indiana Jones switches out two idols of the same weight on a pressure sensitive podium. Sidenote: why was the treasure sitting on a pressure sensitive podium in the first place?

If you can make Kevin's problems seem insignificant in comparison to the ones your other coworker is suffering through, he may genuinely understand his don't need to be confided to you as often. It is up to you to determine how little emotional intelligence this disturbed creature has before selecting your choice.

Hi,

Recently, it has been bothering me how snobby my girlfriend is. She always has some elaborate explanation for whatever is going on, and it generally places her far, far above whatever is going on, like in the stratosphere. Even though we have a similar education, and I have technical knowledge she can only dream of, she finds a way to talk down to me about it. I have spoken with her somewhat about this, and I am not even sure she understands she is doing it.   

What should I do?

Sarah E.

Sarah,

This behavior most likely masks some basic insecurity developed in this person's life where someone told her that she was stupid. Given how arrogant she is acting, you are probably even more unlikely to praise whatever actual acumen she possesses, so maybe try going overboard in that direction. If she feels you understand and appreciate your intelligence like no one else ever has, she will be less afraid of seeming stupid or foolish. Introduce her to anime.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Protect The Long Road From Harm

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

My daughter has been dating a guy for over six months. He is 24, and unable to hold a steady job of any kind. He never graduated from college, and comes from a troubled family. I have no idea whether he uses drugs or not, but he looks like the kind of person who has at least sampled a few.

My daughter is bright, highly educated and on a great career path in health care. I feel like this guy is a waste of her time and I have told her how I felt. She has informed me that I have misjudged her boyfriend and wants me to get to know the guy. I feel like drawing him any deeper into our family is saying the relationship is acceptable. It's not.

How can I end this thing before it gets more serious?

Kelly K.

Dear Kelly,

Level of education and outward physical appearance is probably not the best way to judge someone, unless that person is Kid Rock. There are plenty of monsters who look like apple pie, and plenty of wonderful people who look like Rob Kardashian. I don't know any, but basic faith in humanity suggests they probably exist.

With that disclaimer out of the way, people do not come to Hard to Say for vague pronouncements about having faith in humanity. I am not your priest.

Sometimes questionable goals require questionable means. Shit-talking your daughter's boyfriend isn't really going to do anything but push her away. If they eventually break up, perhaps she will forgive you in time and subtly incorporate your judgment into her further pursuit of romantic partners. Or the complete opposite could happen and she could begin hiding her relationships from you.

A simple expression of disapproval can work over time, but the problem is that this is not a very intricate dichotomy and you have lost control. If you keep restating your feelings, you become an awful person, which I presume you do not desire. You want to be a good person who is loved by your daughter, and still accomplish your goals.

You need to broaden the complexity of this situation. If you never get to know your daughter's boyfriend well, it is impossible to truly criticize him in the way this situation eventually requires. Your daughter can just suggest you don't have all the information, and she will be right.

The first thing to do is weave praise into criticism. This approach comes across as more realistic, because the world is not a chorus of black and white.

Next, you'll want to establish your own personal relationship with the boyfriend. All of a sudden, your daughter sees that he now has this relationship with another woman, you. Jealousy cannot help but come into play. When a woman sees a man seeking the approval of two women, she subconsciously wonders how many more he is willing to please.

The boyfriend can make so many more mistakes if you get to know him. If he is really not a great match for your daughter, you will be giving yourself ample ammunition, and him ample chance to hang himself.

Then there is also the outside possibility that you will grow to love your new son-in-law. It can happen. I mean it never has for me, but I'm sure it can, I saw it on Lifetime once.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Consummate True Love On The Moon

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I have been in a long term relationship with my partner, Basil, for over eighteen months. Basil comes from a very tough upbringing and also he is not an American. He explained early on in the relationship that he often feels like he has trouble expressing himself, and he is usually able to better articulate his emotions through his music. He has done a great job stretching the boundaries of what makes him comfortable in a relationship, and I'm very grateful for his efforts.

As a part of his trauma or independent of it, he struggles to give others praise. (It is not just me who has noticed this.) I am very complimentary of him, but trying to exchange the merest positive words seems a struggle. At the same time, it is obviously genuine when I receive praise from Basil. I am a person who thrives on positive encouragement, which I have articulated to Basil, but he responds that it's just not who he is and that I should feel more confident in his love. Is there any way to improve this aspect of our relationship?

Elaine C.

Dear Elaine,

A great human being once said, and I later repeated in this advice column, that the problem with flattery is that it comes with an unspoken request to be returned in kind. As you alluded to, it is very difficult to trust people who are so free with their praise. Sure, we like to hear great things about ourselves, and on some level the source does not really concern us.

This is the type of praise to which you have probably become addicted. It is a reassurance that has very little to do with what is actually being said or related. It is more just an aspect of love for you. If you can find other ways that Basil shows you how much he cares about you and the life you share, these mere bon mots will stop being so crucial to your understanding of yourself.

Hi,

Is it stupid to get involved with someone who has a substance abuse problem?

Dan G.

Dear Dan,

Generally we only answer questions that are about the one aspect of a relationship that requires a band-aid so that the LW can be happy for the rest of his or her life, but I guess in some sense this could be that type of question.

There is always some red flag you will encounter upon getting to know someone new. For example, someone I was seeing once saw me eat an entire bagel that I barely chewed. Jesus was that hard to explain.

Some people never go back to alcohol or drugs, although the problems that led them to these solutions in the first place may still persist. Are you the type of person who enjoys taking care of others? You had probably better be, so if this kind of lifestyle is not in your wheelhouse, then I would not begin such a relationship, no.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.