In Which We Look Into Becoming Kristen Stewart

Kristen Stewart Is The Mother of Us All

by ALEX CARNEVALE

Kristen Stewart is the refined perfection of femininity up to this point. Although fairly young in years and fairly obnoxious in interviews, we nonetheless wish to be born again as her. It's up to science to make that possible.

Before Michael Jackson died, he thought about cloning himself. It's a shame he didn't — and you can bet his concert promoters wished they had encouraged him a little more sternly.

Serious ethical concerns have been raised by the idea that it might be possible in the future to harvest organs from clones. Some people have considered the idea of growing organs separately from a human organism - in doing this, a new organ supply could be established without the moral implications of harvesting them from humans. Research is also being done on the idea of growing organs that are biologically acceptable to the human body inside of other organisms, such as pigs or cows, then transplanting them to humans, a form of xenotransplantation.

I have a solution to this ethical problem: clone Kristen Stewart. Then whenever you needed a new heart, you could just get Kristen Stewart's heart. Harvesting the organs of her clones would just be mainstream like 30 Rock and Jeb Bush. We need authenticity in popular culture, and Kristen can provide it.

Young hospital patients would have pictures of Kristen on their walls. She would have brought joy to transplant wards, victims of motorcycle accidents, Stephenie Meyer apologists. For there's one way for the exchange of organs to be good and on the level — charge for the work, the implantation of K-Stew's organs, but make the organs themselves free to those in need, in the quantities they are available.

Kristen has already consigned herself to a life of photographers trying to snap her every Joan Jett impression. She's already agreed to perform mouth-to-mouth on Dakota Fanning, how would the availability of her lungs to emphesyma patients possibly degrade her more than that scene from The Runaways?

Those of us who have actually read the Twilight series know what Bella is destined to become. It will be a great cultural moment when we can watch her pregnant with Robert Pattinson's bb. Do you know how many photographs there will be of that? There will be more photographs of that than of Jesus.

Maybe we need to get Kristen's agent on the phone. They've marketed her perfectly, the way I wish they had marketed Mariah Carey — like a really depressed lesbian. It is a thing of beauty to be surrounded by moody lesbians every hour of every day. They're good company, they're willing to dress up like Joan Jett or Gloria Steinem depending on the hour and lunar tides, and they're receptive to new ideas.

Julia Roberts will be whimpering about how lucky she was! Every single mistake she makes will be ONTD'd. This is a scary fate for anyone, it murders most anyway. Can we instead donate her body to science?

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He tumbls here.

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