In Which We Are Not Related To The Next American Idol Adam Lambert

Camptown Races

by MOLLY LAMBERT

Saying that American Idol sucks is nothing new. It's not that it sucks. It's not that it hasn't produced a solid winner since season four's Carrie Underwood, and that nobody has even come close to matching the American Dream come true talents of Kelly Clarkson. Its suckiness is part of its entertainment value. It is often a train wreck, and that can make for compelling television. But most of the singing sucks. Most reality television sucks. That which doesn't is generally maligned.

But on Logo, RuPaul's Drag Race has done the ultimate in redeeming camp by rescuing that most oft-maligned television genre, "reality," from the trash bin it's been slowly crawling out of. Drag Race demonstrates that reality tv has not only entertainment value, it can be a completely uncynical exercise in positivity. Idol is supposed to be like that, about the triumph of the human spirit [as Susan Boyle showed Simon elsewhere], but it still just comes across like a karaoke contest with product plugs.

Idol contestant Adam Lambert in drag

What's weird is that I love Drag Race for all the reasons I find Idol embarrassing. Both are about Camp with a capitol C, but where Drag Race wears these references proudly, Idol is cloaked in Simon Cowell's agitated straight guy's laddish homophobia. The constant digs at Ryan Seacrest's sexuality, calling him a "sausage dog" et al, seem at odds with the show's sensibility, which is otherwise very gay-friendly and generally styled like a bad seventies variety show. [To be fair Simon also hates (pretend hates?) women]

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Yet Simon seems as enamored of Adam Lambert as the rest of the judging panel. And still I hate him. No, it is not because my last name is Lambert. It is hard for me to explain because it is hard for me to understand. Why do I hate Adam Lambert, so campy and flamboyant, so utterly musical theater in every way, but love the contestants on Drag Race, who are actually drag queens? I really have no idea.

I think it's because I hate his patented "sing the song the opposite of however it's originally sung" thing that seems to trick the judges. It can't be because I hate flamboyance and camp, because I love a video of Cher singing in a giant shoe as much as the next Jesus Christ Superstar enthusiast. Maybe it's his faux-modesty. His stupid outfits. His cheesiness. His shrieking voice. 

Who do I like? Why Allison Iraheta of course. The scrappy No Doubt singing teen with the Manic Panic'd hair. Yet I know that she is destined for failure, and that Adam Lambert is going to win. Certainly he is better than some of the other male contestants. Danny Gokey makes my vagina retract inward in horror. Kris is cute but otherwise sucks at life. Matt is infinitely forgettable. Anoop can actually sing but happens to have come to the show at a time it trends towards rock and not so much to the boyband type singers of yore. 

I loved Scott MacIntyre until I found out he was just pretending to be blind, like Julia Louis-Dreyfus on Arrested Development. Speaking of Arrested Development, the new Fox animated show from Mitchell Hurwitz called Sit Down Shut Up sucks. It really sucks. It reminded me of late nights on Comedy Central when nothing was playing but reruns of Duckman.

Since I know Adam Lambert is going to win, I have started trying to get used to it. I think he just embodies several things that evoke strong reactions in me: Los Angeles 80s hair metal, musical theater showmanship, MySpace hair, cabaret, guyliner.

My roommate Jess thinks I am just mad because he has my last name, and will soon become the most famous Lambert since Christopher Lambert, the Highlander. Maybe she is right. If there's anything that can make me like Adam Lambert, it's knowing that he starred in the musical version of The Ten Commandments as Joshua opposite Val Kilmer as Moses. He might be growing on me. 

Molly Lambert is the managing editor of This Recording. She tumbls here.

"The Tracks of My Tears" — Adam Lambert (mp3)

"Black or White" — Adam Lambert (mp3)

"Mad World" — Adam Lambert (mp3)