In Which I Hope It Was A Hard Decision

What The Hell Is Going On?

by MOLLY LAMBERT

The problem with being Don Draper is that while a code of silence may carry you through for a long time, eventually there will be something you need to talk about. This is the problem with old school masculinity in general, with "never complain, never explain." It's the reason Tony Soprano started having panic attacks and needed to see a shrink. It's why Don Draper is going to be totally screwed for the rest of the sixties. 

Mad Men's penultimate episode starts with several false starts. The heat is out at Sterling-Coop. Pete gets demoted by that British dick. Duck, ever the paternal smug fuck, tell Peggy "come on creative, be creative" and lures her to a nooner with the promise of Monte Cristo sandwiches. Peggy Olson resembles Liz Lemon in her trailblazing feminism and love of sandwiches and repressed desire to fuck Jon Hamm. 

Don thinks everything is copacetic with Betty now that they've had their first real conversation of all (canon Mad Men) time. He's smugger than usual, playing Mr. Mom for a hot minute and staring dreamily at Bets like he didn't just fuck and run on that teacher betch with the name ganked from a Leonard Cohen song last week.

Then President Kennedy get shot and dies, and Betty and Carla sit on the couch together and smoke. Given that nothing seems to make sense anymore, Betty is overtaken with the nihilistic desire to destroy her shitty life, probably fed up with the way Don Draper née Dick Whitman has gone about destroying his awesome one.

Duck and Don and all the other former walls of masculinity prove less stable than ever before, trying to shield the children/women in their lives from the scary truth that nobody knows now what the fuck is going to happen next. Everyone wants to watch TV except Don, who seems intent on shutting out the reality of most things in his life.

Everybody goes to Roger's daughter's wedding for the second act except Pete and Trudy. Pete is drunk and becoming radicalized by the larger tragedy at hand and the smaller ones that speckle his own life. Like Betty he is taking stock of his life and finding it wanting. You mean he and Trudy did the charleston for nothing?

 In Pete's mind he is the protagonist of his own story, not someone who would get passed over for a promotion at work. His ambition far exceeds his grasp, and maybe he really doesn't have a future at Sterling-Cooper. Trudy has strong patriotic feelings that sound like Gretchen Weiners; "This is America, you don't just shoot the president."

Pete Campbell: "it felt for a second like everything was about to change." 

Mona's new beau is out for Lee Oswald's blood and Mona is out for the blood of whoever fucked up delivering the wedding cake. Henry Francis shows up with his much younge girlfriend, except oops it's his daughter. Betty is relieved/skeeved out/super turned on. No one understands her attraction to Henry except Betty and Grandpa Gene.

Henry Francis is not hot at all, on the other hand Roger Sterling is a total silver fox

Everyone kowtows to Roger's desire to hear the sound of his voice over a loudspeaker except Jane and Bert Cooper, who are both probably so sick of Roger's narcissism at this point that they've managed to tune him out. Roger almost seems loath to toast except that he's already poured so much money into the wedding.

Betty doesn't feel like dancing with Don because she's sick of his crap. A wise friend of mine pointed out about Don's confession last week that it was forced, and that men will cry most of all when they get caught in a lie, doing something they knew all along they shouldn't have been doing. Don gives a damn about saving the Draper marriage now that Betty no longer does. Can you blame her for not giving a fuck? Or for not being impressed that Don is only just realizing he's been taking her for granted? 

There are only antiheroes and anti-villains on Mad Men. No character is so loathed that they can't have a redemptive moment. It's like how in The Wire you follow and feel for the cops and the criminals, only in Mad Men you sympathize with the misogynists and the feminists. Because like most things in life, it is entirely shades of gray.

No man is so misogynist that he can't understand feminism (except old style James Bond, who doesn't exist), and lots of women are fairly misogynist to begin with because of the horrible patriarchal culture they grew up in.

 

"Hang In There, Red" Mad Men OTPs: Roger/Joan, Don/Rachel, Pete/Peggy, Sal/Ken

Roger Sterling drunk dials Joan Holloway to put it all in perspective. For whatever reason, their basic sexual and verbal chemistry, they are a great match. Joan knows how to deal with any stressful situation, how to pacify Roger after he's had to pretend to know how to pacify everyone else.

Betty tells Don she's "going out for a drive" to clear her head which as we know from Don is the universal euphemism for "I'm going out to commit adultery." Betty no longer believes white men when they tell her that it's going to be okay, which means the sixties are finally starting in earnest. Henry wants to marry Betty, which freaks her out considerably less than it does us. He probably could make her happy, since all she wants is a father figure type to take her to the movies. Let's face it Betty Draper is probably pretty vanilla in the sack considering how often Don is out bed-hopping with Jewesses. 

And then January Jones stretches her acting tethers as far as they will possibly go in order to tell Don that she doesn't love him anymore. Don demonstrates him mental and emotional pain by furrowing his brows deeper than every before, telling her she'll feel better tomorrow, and walking out of the room. Betty might just be less superficial than we are, as she is somehow able to resist Don even in his Gene Kelly in An American In Paris sweater/collar combination. 

People are often in love with one another at different times, at the wrong times, at times that overlap but somehow manage to conflict. You're with someone else, they're with someone else, you're still thinking of somebody else. Supposedly we remember incomplete actions more vividly than finished ones, which might help explain the sort of perverse pleasures associated with longing, regret, and melancholia. Look, I'm not in love with the tragedy of this thing.

Don goes to work on JFK memorial day because, as he tells Peggy "the bars are closed." Peggy goes to work because the crazy roommate she found on analog craigslist is driving her insane, a quintessential twenty-something urban experience. Don declines the opportunity to hang out with Peggy, even though she might be the only person who understands him, out of who knows what, pride, shame, a desire to maintain the rapidly crumbling facade that is "Don Draper." 

About the possibility of the Sterling-Cooper office disbanding for good, Matthew Weiner said "What's the point of the universe if there are no stakes?" It's true. Why should a fictional dramatic universe be any more stable than the real one? Who knows, maybe Don will surprise us all and learn to roll with the changes. One episode left...

Molly Lambert is the managing editor of This Recording. She also tumbls and twitters.

"Telescope" - Choral (mp3)

"Add Infinity" - Choral (mp3)

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In Which You Want To Be On Some People's Minds

How To Get Men To Talk About Their Feelings

by MOLLY LAMBERT

Mad Men

Season 3, episode 11

"The Gypsy and The Hobo"

Betty pulled the old "we're going to Philadelphia" trick on Don, giving him the opportunity to make even more wild promises to Miss Farrell. Sarah Silverman will be coming out with an "I'm Fucking Don Draper" video any second now, because that is who Miss Farrell looks like. Like all gentile men, Don is into Jewish girls.

Betty read Mary McCarthy's seminal proto-feminist novel The Group last week in the bathtub, and as a result is inching ever so slowly towards becoming a person. She summons the strength to tell a lawyer about Don's secret box of secrets. 

Annabelle Mathis, who wants Sterling-Cooper to sell horse meat, would also like some of Roger Sterling's horse meat. He even jokes about how big it is (his D) in front of the ever patient Bert Cooper. Roger you are incorrigible and I love it.

Roger gives Annabelle a bit of the old verbal in-out in-out somewhere French. They go to a place with "lovely wines" and talk about old times in their life in Ernest Hemingway's A Moveable Feast. She says Roger walked around like he a character in somebody's novel and was an amateur boxer (I'm looking at you Jonathan Ames). 

Annabelle tells Roger about watching "Casablanca" and thinking how she fucked up by leaving him for someone lamer, Then he calls her Peter Lorre (LOLrre), because he does not give a fuck about this woman at all. Roger uses his newlywed status as an excuse for ditching horse meat lady, but we know the truth, it's Joan he's thinking of. Or Jane, it's actually totally vague and ambiguous. No clue really.

Suzanne Farrell cooks some pasta with cream sauce, and then she takes you down to a place by the river and feeds you tea and oranges. Don loves those bohemian types. Don lies about being happy and I seriously thought the bitch was finally gonna go Gloria Trillo on him and throw a steak at his (beautiful, cut from stone) face. Suzanne tells Don that she's catching feelings for him and Don, typically flattered/ego-stroked, tells her it's awesome and that they should go to Mystic, Connecticut.

Meanwhile Joan calls Roger and they have phone sex (BASICALLY, "what am I wearing?") Joan covers for Dr. Cut-Up and tells Roger she needs a job. Roger thinks about jobs he would like Joan to give him "You want to be on some people's minds" and Joan calls his bluff ("Are you asking if I miss you?") and then hangs up on him like a boss. Dr. Rapist tells Joan she doesn't know what it's like to want something your whole life and not get, and Joan breaks a vase on his head (LIKE A BOSS). 

Peggy shows up for a focus group. Where the hell is Ken Cosgrove, my blond prince of the maple trees? Harry Crane and Paul Kinsey both got full episode arcs this season. Whither my boy Kenny? Roger is kind of an asshole to the horsemeat heiress. She tells him he was the one and he says "you weren't." Annabelle assumes he means Jane, but we know the truth which is that Roger loves Joan Holloway Harris.

Don just likes dark-haired women. He has followed the Tony Soprano school of "marry a blonde, fuck brunettes." He tells his mistress to wait in the car while he packs a suitcase, and that's when Betty pulls the old Philadelphia surprise on him, i.e. she and the kids are not in Philadelphia. Then there is a lot of dramatic tension and suspense.

Somehow Betty takes control of the situation for the first time in her life and points out all the plot holes in the Chekhov's Gun that is Don Draper's box of Dick Whitman's Samplers and then calls him out for dodging with his usual techniques ("I can explain," "I need a drink") and deflates all his bullshit ("I don't know who you are.") The offscreen baby summons Betty, giving Don one commercial break to consider taking the money and running to the car outside where his bohemian lover is reclining.

Don decides to legitimately man up for the first time in his life and gives Betty three seasons worth of exposition on his backstory. Having an honest conversation with Betty for the first time in their marriage somewhat logically seems to improve their relationship. And then DON DRAPER CRIES. I hate to break this to you this guys right before the holiday season, but there is no such thing as James Bond.

Roger gets Joan a job after describing her an expensive beautiful redhead with a whip (brb making new business cards). Then Joan's husband admits he was an ass but tells her he solved their problems by joining the army as a surgeon (D'OH). He might have to go to Vietnam ("if that's still going on") and then tells her she can stay at home again! Fuck! Waiting for Joan to turn feminist is heartbreaking. She is a 5 star bitch.

Half the suspense in this show comes from wondering where people are when they wake up. Spoiler alert: Don stayed home/didn't run away from his problems this time. He is straightening up like that time when McNulty straightened up. He calls Miss Farrell to break the news that the best sex of her life is over. Then in the most thuddingly obvious section of the show, Sally and Bobby dress up as a hobo and a gypsy. Because Dick Whitman's real parents are a tramp and a hooker.

Most of the real suspense in Mad Men comes from waiting for things you are "expecting" to happen and then they don't happen, and something completely different and unexpected happens. In this way it is exceptionally true to life.

Molly Lambert is the managing editor of This Recording. She tumbls here and twitters here.

"Paperback Head" - Tegan & Sara (mp3)

"The Cure" - Tegan & Sara (mp3)

"Red Belt" - Tegan & Sara (mp3)

The new T&S album, Sainthood, is available tomorrow.

In Which I Love Getting Telegrams But I Never Send Them

Rules for Illicit Sex

by ELEANOR MORROW

Masturbation generally leads to our greatest moments of clarity. The sale of Sterling Cooper is meant to interest us in some way - perhaps is it a constant nod to the precarious existential nature of life. On this subject ad man Paul Kinsey muses in his magnificent little office, where drunk copywriters and symbolic janitors named Achilles try to tell him the real way of things. Gripped by the bottle, in a fervor to reclaim the idea he believed he'd lost, Kinsey insults his secretary and his coworker. Chastened by the experience, he becomes the symbol he formerly laughed at. As Don wryly observed, "I hate it when that happens."

Mad Men continues its preaching as the third season finale approaches. Reality occasionally intrudes. When you date someone, they always want you to meet their brother, who turn out to be a down-on-his-luck loser. The poor guy suffers from fits - usually code for a communicable sexually transmitted disease. Unfortunately Don isn't quite as familiar with the crazypants of the New York area as I am. I wish my older sister would hand me a small fortune adjusting for inflation and force her boyfriend to drive me to my job.

Having witnessed a variety of women who have captivated the attention of Don Draper, I think we can conclude that except for Midge Daniels (played by Rosemarie Dewitt), it's been a bunch of stone psychos. When you find yourself attracted to the insane, it's more crucial than ever to obey some simple rules.

1. Never appear at a workplace - such behaviour encourages cesspools of gossip and derringdo.

2. When doing a favor, always insist on a receipt.

3. Blondes are consistently lonely.

4. Elementary school teachers are by their nature insecure and wobbly. It is considered polite to quietly leave the apartment after the third anecdote about one of their students.

5. Never hold hands: this is no panacea on the tide of inevitable emotional attachment.

6. Jews are no more reliable than the population at large. In contrast, British people are generally unhappier.

7. Avoid meals except breakfast, which has the advantage of offering a quick exit upon its conclusion.

8. Never give your real name, occupation, or favorite Larry David phobia. Such things are better held close to the vest.

9. If the other person is also cheating, you may feel better about yourself, but you've doubled your exposure.

10. If you put the towels in the bathtub, the maid will give you new ones, but if it looks like they haven't been used, she might not.

All else stands in opposition to semiserious men and the decisions they make as if ordained by gods. Don must have an outlet! Mere danger isn't enough! Meanwhile, Suzanne is in bed and sleeping, or on a couch and waiting for news of her brother. She worries while grins and shakes and cash money are exchanged in cars, inscribed in boxes that turn up sooner or later at the most inopportune time.

This is the sexism and racism of Mad Men, which may or not be the same as what exists in the non-Sterling Cooper based world. "Racism" is so trifling it merits an episode a season, "sexism" is as common as the ever-present cigarette. Conveyed to the ball in dark limousines that creep dispassionately over the earth, men go to meet their betters.

Having Betty discover the vestiges of Don's ludicrous past life is a brilliant stroke of genius, although it surely could have been strung out over more episodes. Betty can't be surprised that Don's lies to her were hardly original. Maybe she's upset because she thinks Dick Whitman is an ugly name. In any case a pro-shark cause is even dumber than thinking autism is a made up disease. Sharks are killers, you daffy little melon.

When Sally tells her father how her day went, her brother objects. "Why do you always ask her and not me?" "Your answers are usually longer, so I thought I'd start with her," Dick Whitman tells his son.  Sometimes I feel all life would be essentially improved if parents provided a summary of their lives to their children. But instead we learn it in glips and glops, fits and starts. Sally's teacher tells Don the winsome anecdote of her student's question about reality, and asks what he would have told the boy. Implied is that she wouldn't have, and he wouldn't have, even considered telling the truth.

Why must life be such a waystation, each of us lonely passengers? Overcome with impatience, Betty puts away the box and the wine and goes to sleep when Don doesn't come home. The moment she was waiting for had arrived and as quickly departed. Later, a man is with you in the car. That person leaves whether you want him to or not. And when he's gone, you're all by yourself again.

Eleanor Morrow is the senior contributor to This Recording. She tumbls here.

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