In Which It Is Bad News For Everyone

A Certain Low Profile

by DICK CHENEY

Revolution
creator Eric Kripke

Revolution begins when the world loses electricity. This is J.J. Abrams' idea of hell, because then he can no longer abuse Tom Cruise's mental illness further in Mission: Impossible sequels where Ethan Hunt is a grandfather. Even batteries don't work anymore. Earth reverts to a pre-industrial society in every facet except one: there are still jokey allusions to Lost at every possible moment. It's not another show from this fuck unless it's a show that proves Lost wasn't shit in retrospect.

It's still hard to talk about Lost. I blame Lynne for ruining Lost, I never knew it was bad until she told me. It was like how for many years I thought Mona Lisa was a man.

Guys are a lot more into horses, they seem to have replaced girlfriends. Everyone has shifted to a straight razor without even so much as an adjustment period. There is one rule followed at all times: Gus Fring must ride a horse, and the cast of Lost has a chance to play a significant role.

Revolution is so painfully bad it's unclear if this was actually meant to be a show or just a means by which Jon Favreau can express his shame by making young girls cry after Gustavo Fring, in a purple one-piece, shoots their father. It's a morbid and confusing sort of pornography, as crass as anything completely absurd can be.

Presumably it will be harder to manufacture birth control in subsequent episodes. That means America will soon be great again. After all, the world couldn't go on if Juliet was unemployed for more than a month? Remember when she kissed a pre-DUI Matthew Fox, or when she lived with Sawyer like they were bros? No, you don't, because it didn't make any fucking sense.

For now, Revolution only depicts a small number of people in the United States. In further episodes questions such as the following will be answered:

Does anyone have the time or means to get circumsised?

How many times was the phrase "That's the truth" included in the pilot script for Revolution?

Wouldn't people be scavenging power lines in like two seconds?

Would Google really stop existing without electricity? Wouldn't they all just spend their time in that gorgeous cafeteria?

Can Benedict Cumberbatch just shut the fuck up for once?

Did everyone just forget about bicycles?

Was there ever electricity at Wrigley Field?

The main hero of Revolution played a serial rapist on The Closer. "Don't worry, that's not Philip Stroh," I told my wife. I spent forty minutes explaining to Lynne what mise en scene is. Then I spent another forty detailing why I felt Mike Ehrmantraut was an unbelievable asshole who deserved to die. It was dark by the time I was finished, probably because I went off on a tangent on how stupid Fringe was. The Avengers also sucked, but try telling my wife that.

Everything that matters to me or Walter White is pretty much gone. The worst part is, we destroyed it ourselves.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here.

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