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Entries in sansa stark (2)

Monday
May062013

In Which We Journey To The Jacuzzi Beyond The Wall

A Weird, Complacent Feeling

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. Right before something you will remember occurs, or immediately after it happens, there is a sensation. Previously undescribed in the literature outside of Kathy Acker and, at some length, Proust, this urge contains two parallel desires:

1) To undo what has taken place, in order to restore events to their previous berth;

2) To go wild in celebration at the very simple idea that the world is changeable.

It's always like that for Jaime Lannister. He's a punch bowl full of regret, a lion with eleven manes. He loves saying the word wildfire even more than his beneficent little brother.

Quickly, before you know it, something hard becomes very soft. A politician (any politician) enters office with the promise of closing an infamous prison, where criminals in an ongoing war are incarcerated because of presumed danger to society. When this politician hears of their tales, he could end their lives with dark purpose, prolong them with an even greater absence of mercy, or set them free.

People are always whining about Ned Stark's lessons, but at least he picked one and went through with it. Tywin Lannister, at his core, is a similar creature. When Tyrion asks Grandma Tyrell to fund the wedding, she changes her mind and agrees to pay half the cost. Tywin would never make such a concession, no matter its actual merit. It's more important to say what you're going to do and go through with it; that's the type of person that can really be trusted.

the hand of the king's office leaves something to be desired

Tywin Lannister and Grandma Tyrell had an extremely high level meeting. For some reason they had never actually met before; do you find this believable? As believable as someone caring enough about Bran Stark to find him in the wilderness and guide him to his bastard half-brother? As believable as the idea that Littlefinger's revenge on Catelyn Stark now extends to marrying off her identical-ish daughter to the only bookkeeper in King's Landing worth a damn?

"...you're marrying an accountant."

Tyrion had to break the bad news to his girlfriend and his wife at the same time, which is never easy. He should have led with "where do whores go" or maybe his material about Jamie telling everyone his betrothed was a prostitute, god knows he hasn't got enough mileage out of that story. Peter Dinklage's arsenal of resigned or cautious facial expressions will be sorely tested with this engagement.

I think there's more on redtube along these lines
It's always a pity when the only glimpse of Joffrey we get is him putting a crossbow bolt through Varys' ginger spy. The guy's had like three lines of dialogue; usually all they let him do is giggle when he sees blood.

Along with the Freys, Joffrey gets the most unfair rap of anyone in the Seven Kingdoms. I mean the guy repels Stannis Baratheon's fleet, is able to make a very generous and inquisitive woman attracted to him, and he didn't have to throw his daughter's illiterate best friend in the dungeon to make it happen.

boo hoo you have to marry a beautiful, generous gay man, he is betrothed to a ginga

Rhetorical questions are the refuge of cowards. I had an instructor, when I was first trained in intelligence work, who told us to never ask a rhetorical question, because it was a distinctly Western appendage. In other parts of the world, the person who asks a question they don't want answered is considered relatively rude.

still trying to get the memory of Stannis Baratheon's wife stillborn babies out of my head

On occasion, a question that appears merely a polite gesture can have greater significance, most often when it is asked of the god. It's unclear who exactly Melissandre plans to bring back from death; maybe Aegon Targaryen? If not, the concept of "light" has never been a more confusing symbol in any fictional work, applied as it is to about half the factions in this Thronesing.

bran this will be you. shut your face bran.

Thoros of Myr is identified as Peter in early Christian literature. The Brotherhoods Without Banners stuff is not to be trifled with, these guys all have serious long personal backstories. They care for each other maybe a bit too much. It was weird how Melissandre read Arya's fortune, doesn't she usually charge for that? "We will meet again" is pretty dumb.

do they not have foreplay in the south Jon Snow???

Actually a far worse symbol was a never-ending, phallic wall that the wildlings climbed, at length. Jon Snow, to me, really elevated his acting skills. He basically used a grimace as his main featured expression and agreed with whatever his ginger girlfriend was saying the rest of the time. There was still a lot of loneliness there. I guess she felt like she couldn't trust him. I wouldn't know.

"YOU WAS ALWAYS A CROW"

The political machinations surrounding Littlefinger's departure from King's Landing eluded me. Clearly something very bad is going to happen there, something to put his own life at risk. He wanted to take Sansa with him; but he wanted even more so to punish her for not wanting to be with him. There's a Chris Brown joke there somewhere, but I'll leave the racist and bigotry to Howard Kurtz because it comes more naturally to him.

It's hard sometimes to realize that Sansa and Arya are of the same uncaring and uncooperative mother, who basically allowed them to flee to the winds of time for no reason. Despite the fact that she's been in King's Landing for years now, Sansa is not even the least bit wiser. This is proof positive that GRRM has never met an actual living teenage girl, who can sniff bullshit out more quickly than her dire wolf.

"put Hot Pie's belly out of your mind"

Meanwhile, Arya is telling an archer how to shoot arrows, or a priest about how to show mercy, or a smith about how he should be her family. Her emotions are just everywhere, and yet she gets a noticeably better reaction from the surrounding world than her passive creature of a sister. If you want something, it's best just to take it. It's because of the sensation I described; the very human urge to see what happens. People, even the best ones, get tired of both saying and hearing the word No.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He has composed a steak sauce meant to mimic the blood of Theon Greyjoy. It was roundly mediocre.

"The Three Of Us In The Dark" - Carly Simon (mp3)

"Take Me As I Am" - Carly Simon (mp3)

 

Tuesday
Apr022013

In Which Mance Rayder Was A Fine Singer In His Time

One Is Perfect Where Her Rival Fails

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. There is nothing worse than watching something you became familiar with deteriorate at the slowest imaginable pace, so that it is almost undetectable to the human eye. It happened to Robb Stark with his ungrateful "mother" (I still doubt this, Ned Stark was a man of many mysteries), it happened to the respect Tyrion Lannister had for his bigoted father, it happened to me with George R.R. Martin and it is going to happen to this show.

hey actor who plays jon snow, you're the worst

Until then, we must absorb the tragically bad acting of Jon Snow with the kind of good grace I was known for when I decided to rid the Iraqi people of their savage dictator. I was planning to do the same thing for the people of North Korea, but in 2007 I got so caught up in my hatred of J.J. Abrams that things kind of went off the reservation there for a while.

Also, Star Trek: Into Darkness just looks so fucking bad, although I guess no worse than watching Tom Cruise hold an energy weapon like it's a ham sandwich. But yeah, Jon Snow's attempts at being nervous are about as believable as the idea of Littlefinger's whoremaster looking out for Sansa Stark. The Seven Kingdoms was a hard land, this sentimental shit does not fly.

shit wasn't this real since that time Jaime told you the first woman you loved was a prostitute

But let me get back to Tyrion Lannister, since a little man is the only sort of man who can save us. The immortal team of Tyrion and his sellsword Bronn had potential to be the best since Laurel and Tom Hardy. It's really sad what happened to the guy during the Battle of Blackwater. I couldn't myself watch it, because viewing the triumph of the Lannisters is like witnessing John Kerry winning a debate.

why can't one of these things kill Catherine Stark, or at the very least maim her joyless face?

Enough jokes at the expense of the man amazingly charged with our foreign relations. I would have put Ser Jorah Mormont at the head of everything. The guy is solid, and his love for Daenarys Targaryen is both a little upsetting and completely understandable. It's nice to see HBO was willing to spring for the money to have a nice-looking CG scorpion, but unfortunately they had to cancel Enlightened to pay for it. Then again, if I wanted to watch a television show about a liberal woman, I'd just tune into Charlie Rose.

WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF HIRING EUNUCHS

Ser Barristan Selmy kind of gives me a weird feeling, much the same as is felt in the groin area by the reigning King of Westeros. Joffrey had to surreptitiously view Ms. Margaery Tyrell become popular with the people of King's Landing. He looked like my golden retriever when you leave her outside too long. It's no small feat to connect with orphans, they don't really have much in the way of hobbies outside of aimlessly searching for their birth parents.

"ladies, don't enter into arranged marriages with homosexuals. trust me on this."

And let's be honest, it's not really a trip to an orphanage unless you decide at the very last minute to adopt one. And it's not King's Landing unless that orphan somehow turns out to be Roger Targaryen, the new heir to the Iron Throne.

You know who kind of got the short shaft? Mance Rayder. This man was a fantastic singer in his time. I think we all remember classics like "Ned Stark's Annoying Grandpa Samuel", "The King Beyond the Wall...Is Me" and "The Time Robert Baratheon Fucked A Goat." Mance Rayder was a great man, remember that time he was like, "Don't be ashamed of yourselves wildlings. The King of Westeros also copulated with goats and in some cases, women."

Alan Rickman wasn't available???

As is obvious from these screenshots, Thrones is one of the best looking shows ever created. The sets are completely amazing, the costumes are sublime and Joffrey's tunic is maybe the most appropriate piece of clothing ever constructed for a fictional character. Sometimes the show actually makes a lot more sense with the sound off, especially when that illiterate sea captain starts whining about how much he hates his king's girlfriend. We get it, Jesus, she's not a nice woman. You don't have to keep saying it.

that's not being nice, cartman, that's wearing a nice sweater

It would be impossible to end this Thronesing without mentioning the season finale of The Walking Dead, which I now think of as the show without dwarves. Sunday's sendoff featured the worst military strategy I have ever seen combined with the finest outfit ever placed on a woman. This was the onesie of all onesies.

yo girl does that thing come in red?Strangely only one long-term cast member could be written off the show  in true AMC fashion, it was the actress with the highest salary demands. The closing decision of the episode, in which all the castaways survivors retreated to the disgusting camp prison instead of the lovely community of the Barracks Woodbury, struck me as strangely ungenerous to everyone.

The moment in which the Governor, who now officially bores me because he is so one-note, turned on his own citizens struck me as a bit false and vapid. Even if we can accept that he has gone off the rails enough to slaughter his own supporters for questioning his leadership, the idea that no one would hold up a gun and shoot him down is impossible to put faith in. It's wrong to believe someone you never even tried to get to know is a coward.

It's always nice to see a man doing something for his son or daughter. Teaching your keedz about good and evil is not always easy  first inform them to always omit the last comma in a series, and then instruct the children that two spaces after a period is just an artifact from the typewriter era; it's one space after a period now, for Carl's sake. Then you can start showing them verses from the Bible, while including the helpful erratum "This is all made-up bullshit." After that you can start setting a good example for your children by not leaving a bunch of infirm seniors and women to die at Woodbury. Baby steps.

Dick Cheney is the seniorer contributorer to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. When you read his recordings it is preferred you elevate your pinkie finger slightly in the air towards another, as if in both approbation and warning.

"Dolce Francia" - Carla Bruni (mp3)

"Little French Song" - Carla Bruni (mp3)

"the one true king of westeros...jon snow's wonderful dog Ghost"