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Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Entries in sumeja tulic (17)

Tuesday
Jul232013

In Which We Descend Upon The Only Arab City

The Only Arab City Without A European Quarter

by SUMEJA TULIC

I am no stranger to the prefix pan: pan-Slavism, pan-Arabism, pan-Islamism, and if all things go well, by the year 2050 pan-Europeanism. These concepts and the presupposed membership of my family in it were the Santa Claus and the New Year that were celebrated in my parents' house; the fine illusion of a cause and excuse for all sorts of lacks and sacrifices.

At odds with most of the pan-isms, their symbolic meaning was closes to the one of the candles in Judaism. We lit them on happy days that were hard to distinguish from the sad and hungry days when we ought to light them again. Small people do that: imagine people like them and believe that one day they would all be together crossing the Red Sea under competent leadership.

Later an older version of you notices that people are already crossing not just the Red Sea but pretty much all seas and oceans, alone. Once they have crossed to a place far from where home used to be, they are tuning to a broadcast of a prayer during Ramadan from Mecca, and they are thinking of their simple uneventful afternoon in late autumn when the sun was gentle as if drawn with watercolors and how it moved slowly over the mountain, the almond trees, the lemon trees, the orange sand, the stray dogs nobody loved, and a freckled noise eager to inhale all that.

When I came to Naples I was set on meeting a girl who would understand what I have just wrote, who could tell me if it ever snows in Naples and does she then draw almond trees in the snow and sign her name next to the drawing in Arabic?

The bottom line of Naples is not a camorra ditch or graveyard, it is that Naples belongs to nobody. In very narrow streets those dark black eyes own you, everything on you and in your bag, but only for seconds. Seconds it took for you to smell the detergent evaporating from shirts and undershirts and socks assembled in a cloth line above your head. Some 25 white, blue, pink, yellow and dotted flags of hello and welcome.

If that is not enough, touch the graceful angels imprinted on the crusty walls of the passage and continue on. Keep walking, nobody cares, and even if it seems they do, it is your skirt, waist and breast they would love to meet and greet.

On an unrelated note, a man’s ideal woman is the one the conquistadors met on the shore of an uncharted island chestnut eyes, bare-chested, afraid, unable to utter a word of English, Spanish or Portuguese and thus mysterious. The sailor (better call him a sailor than the conquistador as the latter can butcher, burn and enslave her village) loves her instantly. She is perfect. She will be so easy to leave. From the same place he found her with tears in her chestnut eyes she will wave at his sailing ship.

An often-neglected streak of Islamic and Arabic tradition is traveling. The traveling is almost always a kind of ransom. Hardly ever do the roads lead to exceptional raptures or gifts. Almost always it is a surviving strategy, a refuge-seeking mission to extend life in the outskirts of Mecca, in Taif, in Medina, Ontario, New York, Paris, Palermo.

Centuries ago came Arabs to Naples with turbans smelling of sweat and flower water, carrying lemons and oranges, coveting numbers, concealing intentions. I don’t think any curious chestnut eyes met them on the shore. The wind must have blown very hard as it does on eventful days. Prayers were said and hopes set high. Centuries will pass and new young Arabs will come. Young students from Nablus, Haifa, Gaza with slick hair and tight shirts and pockets full of words like wattan (homeland), hurreya (freedom), adouw (enemy).

As the beautiful Napolitan girlfriend runs her hands over her Palestinian man’s hairy chest, she feels the spikey wire that trapped the white dove. His swaying affection would evaporate in the shabby dark room. Two things would dominate the silence – the strong perfume he wears and the skillful way he manages to look through her without it being so obvious.

At first she didn’t get it. Nights and months into their love she knew the streetlight or the pathetic moonlight creeping through the window takes him places. As she wished for solid thick clouds and electricity failure, he chanted something. Much like his protests in front of the university, or his shouting at his Arabs sitting around a table covered with newspapers where Yasser Arafat’s face is glued to Nasser’s hand by the sweet tea the Moroccans made, and the Syrians spilled over the paper. It sounds something like a lullaby that culminates in a wedding where, at some dull moment, guns will be fired.

At times when I am heartbroken and away from home, I would literally pay to hear azan or see a mosque. At best, in the frightening moments of insecurity, when I’m failing at everything, I would press against his shoulder and then say Hey! Look there. My people!  My people is a covered women with her brood and her man and his mustache and his sister that, even from the tram I was in I could tell, was loudly chewing pink gum. My people are my mosque, my cross of protection and preclusion.

I point rudely with my index finger at them, but what I actually do is frame them with my palms that are summoned by the word Amen! Following this very self-centered reasoning, I am not surprised to meet an Algerian Facebook poet at the exit of a masjid in Naples. I could see him dancing in a drunken sea resort on the Mediterranean or in a trashy Parisian bar among pale and eager patrons. I could see him ride a motorcycle up the Atlas just so he can lie near the cliff and gaze at the sun from behind his retro chic Police sunglasses. He must be chronically heartbroken here in Naples.

He said that he could show me things and make me nice food. I said thanks, but I have a meeting with the Imam. Beside, if you cook for me and show me places, eventually I’ll fail at reciprocity. And then what? You are My people. I cannot scare you by pointing at you. Also, in Naples it is all masjids without minarets. How would I distinguish God’s house from any other house?! Go away! I must talk to the Imam.

Up narrow stairs tailored after those in Amsterdam I am sure, I found the Imam. He was younger than me, and regardless of his authority, he was modest and very comfortable with not speaking too much, or at all. His working desk was a mess and he looked at me like I am a human, not a temptation. I knew straight away that he reads poems during some afternoons and maybe named his goats after the Seven Hanged Poets.

That is something I would have done, but as he tells me in classical Arabic that he studied literature in Libya and became an ”oversea imam” after the revolution, I knew he had really done it. Goat after goat elegantly stupid and reckless, jumping and bleating he named them after poets once showered by masters of Mecca with golden coins.

Typical of students of literature, and of shepherds as well, the imam delegated the speaking of the practicalities of the Muslim Arab life in Naples to his aide. His aide is a middle-aged man who looked like my father, and spoke like my mother first the most dire and stressful issues, and then, if we have time, we will be thankful for the little joys that miraculously appear against all odds.

Muslim Arabs like all other immigrant communities, and pretty much every other southern Italian, are heavily struck by the economic crisis. There is a growing dependency on aid from charity organizations, a rising number of people that are becoming homeless. Most of the men roam the streets hungry during the day or sit in Piazza Garibaldi and other squares. At night they sleep at entrances of churches, somewhat wet and cold but protected. Decades after they have been in Italy, they are either buried in a mass grave or shipped back to the country of their origin. Having in mind that the transport is costly, most end up in a mass grave mourned by few, forgotten very soon. Italy has one or two Muslims cemeteries with ridiculously small capacities. I try to constrain myself from pointing how all that can be seen as a spin of Sophocles’ tragedy Antigone.

Straight down from Piazza Bellini is a place described as “a square for relaxing and socializing," a mosaic of youth, leafs, pedals, pizza, marijuana and music. Down a steep street still wet with unexpected rain I met girl’s father the girl that must have dreamt of the almond, olive and orange trees of her father’s country. She is a dancer or an actress, I cannot tell now, but she sure exists. Her father loves her very much and she is free to do whatever she wants but go to Bellini and inhale pedals.

The English ambassador in the mid-1800s called Naples “the only Arab city without a European quarter.” This malicious allegory of the place's somewhat dysfunctional social and architectural mixture is true today, but doesn’t do justice to all other cities within Naples. For one, let's wait for the metro stations to be completed. Until then, inhale paddles and leafs and dance in Bellini even when it rains. When you get tired, and your pan-isms kick in, open the windows of your apartment and play loudly Fairuz or Marcel Khalifa. Play loud enough so your nagging neighbor shouts her complaints. And when she does, in her yelling you will hear Umm Omar from next door in Homs. I swear.    

Sumeja Tulic is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer and photographer living in Sarajevo. You can find her website here and her flickr here.

Photographs by the author. 

The Best of Sumeja Tulic on This Recording

The saddest day to leave Beirut

Planning to learn to skate

The charm of a Libyan night

Stifling her natural, hideous laughter

Possibly a woman needs a place

Dislike of geographical distances

Wednesday
Jan092013

In Which We Get Used To Lebanon

Extensions

by SUMEJA TULIC

I kept looking up and touching the tip of my head. No, it will not rain. The sky will crack up tomorrow or in a month. The sand will turn into sticky smoke that the bare legs will carry under the eaves.

Sunday is the saddest day to leave Beirut. Everyone I met is up the mountain, on a picnic. Only the nannies, the maids, the orderly are on the streets. Standing in front of elapsing buildings, groups of amazingly braided women in tight jeans will look at you intensely and you will think that you are the new kid in a beach bar in Mombasa. On other days, I will see them in their uniforms — strawberry milkshake or pale blue colored — in pairs of two carrying fresh fruit sold from a truck, looking in a direction I couldn’t designate.

My first night in Beirut was a dark Friday mellowed by August’s bitter sweetness. Empty backstreets and drunken middle aged couples. No starts, no moon, no directions. I wanted to leave immediately or redo the first walk through the city. And then, somewhere in Achrafieh, on a stoop, in a small glass box, surrounded by plastic flowers and transcending holiness, stood the first Beirut Mary I saw. I kept pointing the phone at her, lighting her little face — world’s tiniest expression of modesty perhaps. Eventually, I befriended all the Holly Maries and some of the bearded saints in the area. A paparazzo love denoted in three packs of films and dozens of thank you's I said before — something a 10 year old me would name little female mosques.

I walked up and down Raouché among fat kids, young loves, yearning men only to end up on a hill covered with dogs’ droppings and wild flowers. My nose is red and my eyes are wide open. I am standing in midst of shit, in front of a city, above the sea, I wrote on a postcard. At a certain age you start to appreciate things only when they consist of the gutter and the gold. Somewhere in Switzerland there is a pretty, shitless hill I would absolutely loathe, just like there was a sweet, kind man I hated, and left him waiting until the bouquet he brought froze.

When I dance I don’t care and all I want to see is my skirt whirling. But as I go about it, I start needing something to match the washing machine in my brain spinning melancholy and joy and my small tragedies. And I did it that night, on a dancing floor that kept changing colors, teasing the stars' constellations to appear above. I swear I heard a wolf howling on that hill above the Raouché.

I was bruised and stained in Beirut by the dark, frightened, mad eyes of tanned Syrian workers. Their looks would stay with me long after I had passed the construction site in the downtown. I thought of their little houses and gentle mothers. I thought of their wives and killed brothers. I thought of their tired teenaged sons working beside them. I thought of million whys this world should end today. Luckily, on the way back, just before the streetlights are turned on, everything is less aggressive. The Syrian workers are pleasantly flirtatious and few of them are in a small corner park next to Elie Saab’s boutique praying behind a tall African imam.

In search of the best ice cream and some harmless trouble, one morning I ended up crossing River Beirut. Before noon, it is hard to find trouble in Bourj Hammoud. Beneath small red Armenian flags and in shadows of cloth lines, only nervous mistresses can pick fights with the sleepy hairdresser. Her man — George, Toni or Aziz — the one with a black mustache and a deep open shirt, will come to her tonight.

After they have ate and drank and danced to the radio, he will gently strike her hair. The hair needs to smell like hair saloon shampoo. So, why the hell is hairdresser using the cheap, household shampoo?

Thick eyebrows, green eyes and a nose of a delicate Hebrew model. Oh shoot me blazing faith, I have loved! He spoke about music and I responded with something meant to impress. I thought of the damn dresses blossoming flowers from 50s and late 80s in my luggage. He should know that I am more than my shorts and this plain t-shirt. But how can be that slipped into a conversation about Palestine? I want to see him late at night in Hamra street. I want to take him by the hand and kiss him in an alley. By the way, how does it feel to kiss while looking at social justice, anti-clerical and anti-rape themed graffiti?

Along with my saint friends, Annie’s bare chest is the most beautiful thing I have seen in Beirut. Behind her was an open window letting in summer’s fog and a beam of blue light streamed from a cross. She painted her nails and smoked while I wished someone else saw the two falling stars. I wished. Most of my wishes come true, but most of my wishes are dishonestly modest. When the wishes come true, I wish for more, for extensions. Annie deserves a poet to dwell on her chest. Instead she got me. My Annie must be modest like me.

On one of the weekends we went to the Cedars and saw a lonely donkey, a ruined house, a wedding and the tip of the world. God was there for sure but we didn’t see him. We heard something of him in the chanting of a Buddhist who prayed on a top of centuries old house while the rocky land swallowed the sun and the sea. The chant went on beautifully with the sad voice of a woman who sang about the Christ and the blood that dripped from under the nails. In a nearby village someone lit fire. Shortly, the smoke replaced the chant and the song.

On that last Sunday I stood on the balcony. The landlord of the building and of some fragments of the universe, Samaha, arrived in a car driven by his personal assistant, doorman and driver, Samuel. Samuel spends most of his nights sitting in front of the building watching cars go up and down. He wants to sing in a choir. That is something he did back home somewhere in Africa. The couple across the street was out of the city. They will be back in few hours. They will sit on their balcony and tell stories to each other. The nudist was home but he was dressed. I think he had guests. That would explain the children that played on his balcony. I said my dearest goodbyes to cars that went up and down, left and right. One for sure went to Dahieh, one stayed in Achrafieh, one went to Jounieh, one to Mar Mikhael street and one went to a place I didn't learn its name.

Sumeja Tulic is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Sarajevo. You can find her website here and her flickr here. You can find an archive of her writing on This Recording here. She last wrote in these pages about learning to skate.

Photographs by the author.

"King Wizard" - Kid Cudi (mp3)

"Pursuit of Happiness" - Kid Cudi ft Ratatat & MGMT (mp3)


Tuesday
Dec182012

In Which We Leave The Winter Behind

If I Learn To Skate

by SUMEJA TULIC

13 November

I am sure if I learn to skate my life will dramatically improve for the better. I am almost 28, I have a 9 to 5 job, and I live in a city with only one decent skater and bunch of lonely Wahhabi guys. So, me skating is close to digging a hole in my yard, finding a coffin full of golden and diamond jewelry, and getting to cash it or keep it without having to pay any taxes or to report it to the IRS.

I actually did find an old coin from the beginning of the 20th century in my yard. It is a worthless piece of metal that I keep in my obscure jewelry box. A year or two back I would have hoped for a prince-skater-teacher. I would eventually become better at skating than him. He would get frustrated. We would break up only to make at a famous skateboard tournament where I would skate in a flamingo patterned skirt (or shorts with flamingos on it). Now I believe I need to buy a damn board and learn to study from YouTube tutorials.

17 November

Middle class happiness is like an overdue pregnancy. The love child of endurance and expectations. Torn between wanting to drift away on a road that naively starts below your home and leads to somewhere in Sicily, and wanting to own an apartment and a medium sized car. I take my weekend sucker punch as I clean the toilet. Actually it is not that sudden or unexpected. The evil sarcasm that is reading a literature-themed e-newsletter and then hurrying to clean a toilet is anything but a sudden punch to my melancholic being, perfectly adequate for a house in which the sink is full of dirty coffee mugs. The water is burning my fingers. I cannot curse in the bathroom because it disturbs evil spirits. I am holding back random imagery and songs because that can awake all kinds of spirits. The wonderfully scary things holy texts preach… Restricted by it all, I drive the medium sized imaginary car down that hill. The road is narrow and from one side surrounded by forest.

19 November

I wish I could be proud as the mothers of daughters with long wavy hair are at airports. They stroll around elegantly early in the morning. They are not in a hurry and they are certainly not dizzy from the smell of perfume and the lipstick they evaporate into each other. I have deodorant on me and I am contemplating a mercy suicide. I wish I were at least dazed like the dad. I am pretty sure his brain has been in a coma since his daughters came of age.

My temple is any given airport. There I want to reform. I just made a list. I will wear make up more and become a person who wears their socks right.

By the way, I believe in God. In Allah Almighty, to be precise. That is why I choose to sit opposite a young conservative Jewish family with their lovely screaming brood. As I type this, little babies are dying in Gaza. This family has nothing to do with it; I have nothing to do with it.

23 November

Today, I whispered to myself and recited embarrassing metaphors. I noticed cracks in walls, tinny chimneys, strange shoes, hundreds of mosques, connected eyebrows, suspicious guys, beautiful women in the rain…I noticed a whole fucking lot. I wish I could bring it together it in one solid paragraph. It is hard since I stopped premeditating sentences for our conversations. That routine died. Sultanahmet district in smelly fog embedded with lights and seagulls. This unsolicited explanation of things that are there, before his eyes, like many others, once read backwards are a screaming love plea. Love me, love me and only fuck me.

26 November
 
Hammam is one place I feel absolutely fine about my body and I am not alone in this. The many pinned out breasts and almost sleazy smiles confirm that there is a temporary epidemic of confidence.

By the way, have you ever swum in a cold river, beneath heavy shadows of green trees? I did back in 1999, and thought of life as it was - and it was there on the shore: my parents and my cousins eating picnic delights. I saw their intrusive kindness pushing them to feed each other. I was endlessly grateful they haven’t brought a stereo. It is hard to lead a genuine teen life of a moderate loner when nothing is off limits. Not even a dip in which I hoped to release my fear of my body's transformations through preventive confrontation.

My mom yelled my name and something about starvation and I withdraw my hands from my chest. Just months ago, I was crying silently in my bed. As I was changing into my pajamas, I felt pain in my chest. I thought I got breast cancer before I developed a proper breast. The smell of oleander and the croak of baby frogs in our yard serenaded me.

28 November

She pulled her legs up as we drove in a shabby cab. My legs were down, where they are supposed to be. Her boyfriend sat in the seat up front. I hope he saw her legs up. Such a cool retro move, that I seriously contemplated shutting up and staring at her. She could have opted for one of the other classics - smoking a cigarette like she is making angry love to it, for example. Nope, she pulled her legs up. There is something upsetting about beautiful girls dating artists. I would say, even embarrassing. I mean, google “Yoko Ono Fireworks“ and let me know how you felt.

I pressed my finger on the misty window and drew a line so I can clearly see the red flickering lights outside.

A day or two before December 

I came back home.

Sumeja Tulic is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Sarajevo. You can find her website here and her flickr here. You can find an archive of her writing on This Recording here. She last wrote in these pages about geographical distances.

Photographs by the author.

"Capricorn" - T.E. Harris (mp3)

"I Love You Satellite" - T.E. Harris (mp3)