In Which It's Getting Late Early

Against the Elderly

by ALEX CARNEVALE

Every available piece of evidence tells us that the elderly are the most racist, least educated segment of society, and yet our government rewards them with the kind of money most of us can never expect to receive in our old age. The only thing the elderly are good at besides complaining is cashing checks and political lobbying.

The AARP - American Associated of Retired Persons - began as a way for retired teachers to get health insurance. Now 35 million people strong, its purpose is to preserve the rights of the elderly to suck from the matronly tit of the government at the expense of young people, who are too stupid to steal properly and through the right channels.

In the Long Island community where I used to work, advertisements adorned every wall, to encourage youth people to stay where they are instead of moving to Brooklyn and Manhattan. The communities of the old will die except for the young; perhaps they do not realize they are preventing the young from living there by virtue of their one-sided public policy approach and general crankiness.

All politicians let old people get away with murder, and in the latest saccharine Pixar weepie, that's exactly what they do. Carl Fredericksen (Ed Asner) is desperate to remain in his home as progress rages all around him. And we're supposed to sympathize with him!

A similar situation has manifested itself on Ratner's Atlantic Yards project. One resilient homeowner is preventing the construction of a badly needed economic center that will house the home of the Brooklyn Nets as well as housing and convention center space. He is aiming to prevent the project from happening, apparently just to be a douche.

It's a measurable fact that our elderly - or 'derlies" as I believe Nick Gillespie or Hitler memorably called them in one missive - take up 40 percent of our usable resources and 76 percent of our illogical complaints, and a startling 96 percent of all American bowel movements.

I agree that in some ways derlies are much cooler than the average Andrew Sullivan - they use the n-word in a much more surprising way, and they're sometimes capable of actually fucking the police. But mostly they just watch Wheel and sample cold cuts at the supermarket without paying for them. (They are also the only people other than Jews and hippies still dumb enough to pay for The New York Times, a publication that ran this article and charged over 45 people $1.50 to read it.)

The young boy-child whose innocence Mr. Fredericksen takes with his pinkie finger is named Russell, whose date with derlie destiny is adapted from David Spade's childhood. Before I discuss the intricacies of a type of a relationship no longer condoned by Western culture, I should say that Up! is mostly tremendous. Although it's only 90 minutes long and feels a bit stretched out, it looks phenomenal and it's funny.

carl, you soiled yourself againWe can't really know, but we can suspect that Mr. Fredericksen's anger at the premature end of his sixty-year relationship with his wife is what justifies his man-boy pedophilic relationship, a sweet set-up that leads him to South America, where he can marry Russell and they live out the rest of their days giving each other rough, chafing footjobs.

For his part, Russell spends quite a bit of time complaining about how adults aren't given to spend much of any time with him. He calls his step-mother Phyllis, and nostalgically chuckles with one of his seven chins about how much he loves counting cars with his dad. Hmm, why is it that every 10 year old I know in real life is more concerned with Lil Wayne, abusing painkillers, and baby blogging?

the small mailmanCamille Paglia has long argued the civic virtues of To Catch a Predator-aged love, pointing out that the practice was relatively common in ancient cultures. A wealthy man and his young patron: it is a set-up whose only casualty is the lost of innocence, like what Samantha did to that poor actor with the huge penis in the Sex and the City movie.

this guy definitely got his merit badge for helping the elderlyPixar's been accused of being sexist by some people who don't have anything better to do, but all its men are impotent boy-children with dreams of illicit sex that suck liquid food from straws. This is an upside-down version of sexism the likes of which we haven't seen since Tom Wolfe, John Belushi, and that derlie Peace Prize winning pissant Jimmy Carter. Do you really want to be these characters? If I'm a woman, I'm happy to just be left out of it.

inappropriateBut back to my main point. Not only is Mr. Frederickson enjoying the peaceful retirement that most of America will never be able to have, he violently assaults people who are just trying to continue generating income and economic growth for the country. Is there really no end to how much we have to indulge this fat fuck's failed dreams?

Shows like Seinfeld and All in the Family were able to show us exactly how much of a drain derlies were on society, with their schemes to make male brassieries and their legendary intolerance. Today all we have are How I Met Your Mother flash-forwards that imply how much of a-hole Ted Mosby is going to be once he hits 50 and snaps up that AARP card. The elderly don't just control the government, they now control all media.

My mother drives derlies to the doctor sometimes, a practice I abhor. I believe there's something in the Bible about the virtues of not helping people, or maybe in Ayn Rand. Helping people never works out; it's always a bad idea. They just end up not wanting to talk to you again because they are shamed by needing your help.

Pixar seems to be running a little thin at this moment, developing every little idea they have into a full-length movie and bathing in the ensuing dollar bills. This is the only conceivable explanation on how they greenlighted a pro-elderly project. It is a bad idea to give the derlies any more attention than they already have. They drive too slow, and they talk too slow.

In Up!, the filmmakers themselves are so sickened by the traditional cutesy animated adventure that they just subtly mock it by making us care about Ed Asner of all people. Up! is darker than it seems, concerning itself with suicide, miscarriage, and homicide. It's like watching David Carradine hang himself with a bunch of balloons.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He tumbls here.

"Use Somebody (Kings of Leon cover)" - Bat for Lashes (mp3)

"Use Somebody (Kings of Leon cover)" - Karima Francis (mp3)

"Use Somebody (Kings of Leon cover)" - Pixie Lott (mp3)