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Previously On Mad Peaks

by ALMIE ROSE

Don arrives with Pete and Roger in Twin Peaks for his business trip. Sterling-Cooper has a new account: The Double R Diner. While stopping in the diner, Don overhears Agent Dale Cooper praise the "damn fine coffee" and comes up with their slogan: The Double R: A Damn Fine Cup Of Coffee. Pete cries.

Meanwhile Betty reconnects with her old friend Norma Jennings. Norma however has no idea that Don is Betty's husband when she begins an affair with him. Don drives into a lake. Roger, realizing that the company is in trouble, calls upon Peggy to come over and help. Don disappears. Roger hires Agent Cooper to search for him. Audrey Horne takes quite a liking to Roger and seduces him after school. Pete cries.

Don is still missing. Agent Cooper has a dream that Don is in an office, talking backwards, while a midget does the twist in the corner. Joan Holloway saunters into the dream, which is odd considering that at this point Agent Cooper and Joan have not met. Joan whispers into Cooper's ear that Don likes bubble gum; Don's head then falls off and turns into a pile of erasers. Cooper wakes up, certain that he knows where Don is. Pete cries.

Leland sets up a fund-raising dance to find the killer of his dead daughter, as he can no longer afford to hire Agent Dale Cooper privately, as Roger has monopolized his time. Pete asks Peggy to the dance. She accepts, then refuses, then accepts, then gives a long speech about why she has to refuse. Pete cries. Then she accepts. While at the dance, Leland mistakes Peggy for his dead daughter and cries. Then Pete cries. Leland throws himself out of a window. Audrey and Roger get married. Cooper can't remember where he thought Don was. He asks the Log Lady for help. She tells him to ask Duck Phillips. Pete thinks about crying and instead returns a chip and dipper.

Duck, meanwhile, single-handedly brings down the entire office. Joan punches him in the face. Somewhere Pete is crying.

Back in Twin Peaks Agent Dale Cooper finds Don in a cabin. He is having sex with both Shelly Johnson and Donna Hayward. Agent Cooper is confused. Don tells him that he is not Don Draper, but someone named Bob. Agent Cooper is still confused. Leland appears out of nowhere and slaps Agent Cooper. A slap fight ensues. Don escapes. Cooper is rendered unconscious. Pete cries.

When Agent Cooper wakes up he is in New York. Roger tells him that he is going to the new Cooper in Sterling-Cooper, because he knows too much, and offers him six cherry pies. Cooper accepts. Audrey becomes Roger's new secretary. Don is still missing, but no one really cares anymore. Peggy takes Agent Cooper's old job in Twin Peaks, despite her lack of FBI training. She convinces the department that they are prejudiced against her because she is a woman. This somehow works. Cooper proposes to Betty; she accepts. Duck Philips, in a drunken rage, kicks Pete in the crotch. Pete cries.

The season ends with Colin Hanks playing guitar in a red room.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She writes here.

"Keep Slipping Away" — A Place to Bury Strangers (mp3)

"Ego Death" — A Place to Bury Strangers (mp3)

"Smile When You Smile" — A Place To Bury Strangers (mp3)

Comments

[Graham]

...and the universe just collapsed in on itself. Please, let there be Heather Graham cameos in hell.

[anna]

I just died. Mad Men and Twin Peaks are two of my favorite shows. This is one of the greatest articles I've ever read.

[Annie]

I keep re-reading this and laughing hysterically.

Thank you for writing it.

[Raw Food Diet]

She's beautiful, I hope she uses it in right ways. Thanks for sharing