« In Which We Consider Your Queries With Care »

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

I dated this guy Dustin for two months. I’m pretty shy, so it was hard for me to open up to him, and eventually he told me that he just didn’t feel like I was interested and thought we should break up. Now I’m heartbroken and confused. I didn’t think it was a good idea to share too much of myself so quickly in a relationship, but that seemed to be what he wanted? 

Janelle S.

 

Dear Janelle,

If you’re shy, own it! There’s nothing wrong with needing time to open up. Sure, it’s frustrating when your partner won’t tell you all their secrets, but it’s also kind of sexy. I don’t know that I’ve ever met a man who wanted to know everything within two months, so I’m going to go ahead and say that something’s rotten in Denmark here.

Dustin probably needed an excuse for his own disinterest/desire to break up so he used your shyness. That was a shitty move, but it’s also common, so don’t dwell on it longer than you absolutely need to.

In the meantime, think about what you really want from a potential bae. Forget the rules. Dance after midnight, wear white after Labor Day, mix clear and brown liquors, sing like nobody is listening, etc.

Hey,

Do I need an exposed brick wall in my apartment to be happy? I was never one of those “those girls” but now I’m having trouble sleeping because I can’t find an available apartment with exposed brick. 

Rachel T.

Dear Rachel,

Obviously you don’t need exposed brick to be happy. Instead, you need:

1. Cheap kohl

2. Not to be killed by your parents for being a girl

3. A guaranteed spot in Heaven

4. A cure for the plague

5. A receding hairline

6. A large butt

7. A 14-inch waist

8. The right to vote

9. A husband, preferably one with a good job so that you can stay home to cook and take care of your 3 children

10. Blond hair and blue eyes

11. A bra to burn

12. A house in the suburbs with a white picket fence

13. An executive-level job

14. The ability to juggle it all

15. A female friend with whom you never speak of men

16. Great light in your bathroom for selfies

17. A weekly manicure and wax

18. A light-hearted abortion

19. Emotional resilience, sexual aggression, maternal instinct

20. A great pair of jeans

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.