« In Which We Think About How To Make The First Move »

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

What is the right time to introduce sexting?

I don't ask this question because it particularly turns me on. The women I've gone on dates with recently seem to expect a great deal of texting before we actually meet. On one hand, I understand this is a decent if potentially misleading way to get to know someone. On the other hand, I feel like sometimes the conversation peters out or loses a spark because of a lack of physical presence. It's also tiring to keep up with some of these women, and I'm not sure how often to communicate with them.

I feel like if I introduce how attracted I am to them early on it will prevent me from getting friendzoned, so when is the best time to make that move?

Mike C.

Mike,

In my experience, there are three types of texters we need concern ourselves with to properly answer your question:

Women who don't seem particularly texty. Some women just don't love to text guys they haven't met yet too much, since they view it as a waste of time if they don't like you in person. Others are probably furiously texting other people and the fact that they don't have time to text you indicates you are not exactly a priority. You can still make yourself a priority from there, but it is tough.

The best thing to do if you are getting mediocre responses to your texts is change lanes. Just call her and see where it goes. If she doesn't call you back, she's not interested anyway. If she does, you can accomplish everything that texting does in a fifth of the time and spend the remaining hours watching Workaholics.

Women who will text you a lot. If a woman is texting you a lot, she probably is looking for a relationship with a guy who will answer her texts. If you don't answer her texts, you are not the type of person she wants to reproduce with. The positive side of this arrangement is that it gives you a lot of possibilties to flirt or as you call it, "sext." You should only do this with a woman you don't know in real life if you are (1) solid in terms of a connection or (2) you don't give a fuck. Otherwise just stay flirty but keep it light. Otherwise she's probably just interested in the attention you give her.

Women who will text you a little. The story of Goldilocks and the three bears is a homophobic metaphor for almost everything in our lives. Did you know that Goldilocks was originally a disgusting old woman? The point of the story in Goldilocks is that we can never truly know who is in our bed, and afterwards, who has been there. She may have eaten the porridge also, she may not have, but we have no way of knowing. The truth is, the food is gone.

Many women fall in love quickly and heavily like Myrcella Lannister, but others are not so apt to be entranced by the text you send that contains the words "how r u?"

It's important to know your strengths. If you're not clicking with this person over text, I doubt that will suddenly change when you start telling her how much you love the MTV program Are You The One? Text communication is important, but it doesn't represent how much you might enjoy spending time together, or even how she would text you once she gets to know who was in her bed.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.