In Which We Figure Out The Advice For Ourselves

Unsolicited Advice Culture

by KATRIN HIGHER

There has been a certain increase in volume among my acquaintances and friends, as well as peers and strangers, where the casual sharing of advice and normal human interchange of ideas of yore has been replaced with a commanding flood of unsolicited or bash-one-over-the-head-with advice mania. Why has everyone become a self-help guru/mother/father/best friend?

The last few years have been filled with “You Shoulds,” “You Shouldn’ts,” “Why aren’t yous” “Stop this, stop that," “Get pregnant now." It is to the point where I now look at sugar and wonder if it’s going to send me to the ER if it happens to be refined.

abigail van buren & ann landers

The origins of “giving advice” are not exactly clear, but culturally and anthropologically speaking, it makes sense that elders give others in their groupings some sage life-advice as a way of passing on the traditions that help everyone live smoothly.  But our frantic modernity has created something that is pathological in its flogging insistence of what one should or shouldn’t do, buy, eat or wear.

Dear Abby was started in 1956 by Pauline Phillips and the current syndicate describes the column as “well known for sound, compassionate advice, delivered with the straightforward style of a good friend.” Ah, a good friend you say!

Advice columns have their merits. It can give the lost soul some comfort to hear words of blanket facebook quote-like wisdom or uplift. But it looks to me that it’s gone the way of explosive capitalism and advice-giving hubris. After Dear Abby, we got Ann Landers, then advice columns in all of the lady mags and even Playboy. Here’s how to solve your problems, everyone! The dawn of Oprah turned this ethos into a worldwide brand.  This is not an Oprah-bashing article mind you, but her show took strident advice-giving to capitalistic heights. Each special expert guest told you how you need to be living, or else, also you must buy this and that or else.  They are like insidious infomercials disguised as care-giving.

YOU NEED TO HAVE. I need to have this or else, or else WHAT?! As a result of this advice-on-steroids culture, we end up questioning our own decisions and worth according to the journeys of other people as default, instead of listening to ourselves and perhaps the select group of people you have learned to trust over time.

It makes sense that the commodification of giving advice would arise quickly with the increase in technology and communication; it is the perfect advertising strategy. You must click on this and do as these gorgeous rich people did or else you will rot, hurt others with your ugly rotten face, and ultimately die alone while leaving everyone disappointed especially your lover and mom. Please work out and meditate while doing yoga and drinking grass juice at the same time as having a child before 30! Oprah and her Drs Oz and Phil, the media, self-help books, and now the internet have created Advice Monsters swarming around in our day-to-day lives.

I hear it from strangers while waiting in line, from casual acquaintances, good friends and family which, is fine, though annoying, and from anything and anyone in between. The gamut runs from “You should really go Paleo” to as invasive a comment as “You really shouldn’t wait so long to have children…wait…you’re not even married yet?!” It is as though everyone has become a mother from the 1950s waiting in the wings for their daughter to meet the strapping young man at the Sadie Hawkins dance. Stand up straight! Posture! You have to marry him or you’re worth nothing! If you don’t do this, my life will actually have no meaning! Wait...

I crowdsourced this theory of mine, reaching out to friends and peers, asking them whether this is something they noticed and the particulars therein.  Not only did literally everyone I ask emphatically respond with a resounding YES, they all had several particulars to choose from. The majority noted that most comments and advice centered around: diet, exercise and weight; but circumstantial advice is given especially during pregnancy and motherhood, as well as to those, like me, who are in their early 30s and as of yet or forever, child-free.  

Personally, I do not want to go Paleo or quit sugar even if that did help you. I will not be going gluten-free thank you very much, and yes, even though I happen to be 33 years old, I am not going to “just have a baby and not think about it” (this has been said to me by two baby-boom aged people as well as a few people my age or younger (!)).

So why do so many folks become these insistent life coaches? I sometimes share helpful tips, sure, and it is a normal part of human nature to impart small quips of everyday successes onto your friends in a reasonable manner like: “Hey I tried this lip gloss, it’s great!”  However we have entered this hyperbolic and seriously boundary-crossing territory which I can only attribute to a blend of media saturation and one’s insecurities desire of control and validation.

It is a way for someone to feel justified in their (perhaps expensive) choices, in making them feel less alone.  There is an illusion of power when you insist that this stranger you meet in the Quinoa department should not be eating gluten: “Do not eat gluten for I am the goddess of this Whole Foods and shall save you, dear child! (Speaking of child, do you have any?  I hope you’re not feeding them sugar I –).”  In reality they are crossing a line into territory that is zero of their business. The power you wield regarding this privileged and lucky version of your life is not going to work on everyone; quite the opposite in fact.

We all have so many varying, complex and interesting needs that do not fit into a set world order and manner of living.  The yoga-pant wearing Oprahtic sages, the bearded bartenders telling me to not drink beer, think they are doing us favors, but really, we feel invaded and guilty about not being enough or not having enough or doing the wrong thing. My life doesn’t work according to your script and as a good friend once said “keep your eyes on your own paper.” I don’t know if I believe that you just genuinely care about me, person sitting next to me at this weird dinner party.

Aren’t we evolved enough now to really start looking at boundaries more closely? To mind our own business especially when it comes to the bodies and the small or giant life-choices of others? We have simultaneously turned into a more open-minded culture (good) to a boundary crossing group of lifestyle dictators (bad). I don’t mind if you tell me I have to try this new chocolate bar, but I do mind when you tell me I better start having children or the alternative will be that I die unfulfilled, alone and full of moths.

Katrin Higher is a contributor to This Recording. This is her first appearance in these pages. She is a writer living in Astoria. You can find her twitter here.

"Love Is In The Air" - Keith Zarriello (mp3)

"Wash Away The Pain" - Keith Zarriello (mp3)

In Which We Develop A Foolproof Way To Repair This Situation

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hey,

Over the past six months I have been dating a girl named Katherine. She is really generous with her time when it comes to her friends and family, and sometimes they abuse what I consider to be her goodwill.

The situation recently came to a head when her friend Lance divorced his wife and needed a place to stay. Katherine felt she could not turn him away and has been spending a lot of time attempting to cheer Lance up, even throwing him a party.

I strain to emphasize that jealousy or lack of attention is not my problem. In fact, I sometimes feel relieved that Katherine has such a full life since it takes me off the hook, but I'm not sure I feel great about being okay with it. In addition, Katherine has told me that she is thrilled I am not controlling like her past boyfriends. How do I bring this up without making myself look bad?

Ben A.

Dear Ben,

As Ayn Rand put it in her classic 1964 essay collection, The Virtue of Selfishness, man is born with an innate... Just kidding, although casually leaving a copy of The Fountainhead atop your girlfriend's toilet tank is not going to hurt this situation at all.

Human women do things with three possible motivations:

1) They saw it on TV or in Diana Gabaldon's Outlander;

2) Their mother did it or forbid them to do it;

3) Because.

Sure, you can have it out with Katherine and she will resent you and probably start making Lance feel better in more predictable ways. Or, you can use a tried and tested process I call contamination.

Say that Katherine had a favorite restaurant. If they suddenly displayed health code violations in their window, would she not have to think twice about eating there? You want to subtly turn her good deed into a mediocre deed. For example, you could start eating at her favorite restaurant and pretend to vomit or get the shits afterwards. Alternately, in the Lance situation, you can leave her an anonymous note detailed all of Lance's probable misdeeds.

Just do one thing and find out if Lance has a big cock before embarking on this journey, and also check if it is a felony to forge someone's signature on an anonymous note.

Hey,

I have a big problem. A couple of months ago I sent a nasty (anonymous) message to somebody I follow on Tumblr. I couldn't help myself - the person was so annoying! - and I immediately felt so much better. The problem is, I couldn't stop. I started sending nasty messages to a lot of people I follow. It always made me feel better, but now I also feel out of control. I'm also afraid that people are going to figure out it's me. I can't sleep, and I'm starting to have panic attacks every time I log into Tumblr. What should I do?

Evelyn S.

Dear Evelyn,

 It sounds to me like you're the sort of person who has always abided by what was expected of you, so you find a sort of thrill in rebelling. That'd be okay if you got off on, I don't know, smoking weed or enjoying Kenny G, but instead you're being malicious. And you found the perfect forum for it, where you can shroud yourself in anonymity. 

You need to step awaaaay from the computer. Seriously. Take a prolonged break from the internet. If work or school won't permit you to do that, then you need to block your own access to certain sites or have someone you trust monitor your usage, while you figure stuff out, preferably in therapy.

The shame that's flooding over you right now - the one that comes from feeling like you're a teenager I just caught with their pants down watching hardcore porn on their laptop - means that you have the ability to discern right and wrong. So that's good. You just need to stop seeing yourself as both the worst and best thing in the universe, and you'll be able to see others that way, too.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Find This Troubling To Contemplate At All

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

One of my good friends just found out she's having a baby. I'm happy for her and genuinely excited that she and her partner are going to be parents. But I feel like my friend is changing so quickly! We used to make fun of women who posted pictures of their "baby bump" and we promised each other we'd never be so silly. Now she's doing all that stuff, and I don't know whether to bring it up with her or see if it's just a phase. 

Jean C.

Dear Jean,

It depends. Do you think parenthood is just a phase? 

Sorry, your friend's life — and her friendship with you — will never be the same. All you can do now is show up to her inevitable shower(s) with pastel-colored bags full of tiny, expensive clothing that her mewling, drooling offspring will outgrow immediately and hope for the best.

By which I mean, be supportive. We all make promises about what we'll never do, say, or like that we grow up to break. For example, I said I'd never use the word "offspring" again, but here we are. Telling your friend that you're disappointed in who she's becoming will basically ensure that you'll attend the funeral of your friendship instead of your friend's blessed event.

Hey,

I met Tim in fall of 2009. Outside of the few times when he was drinking our relationship has always been relaxed and comfortable. Tim doesn't really drink very much, probably because when he does drink, he drinks far beyond the point of excess, and frequently doesn't remember his activity at all.

Let me emphasize that Tim does not get violent when he drinks this much. He generally becomes useless to anyone, fumbles around and can barely take care of himself, which means that me or his friends have to exhaustingly take care of him for the rest of the night.

I'd be lying if I said how I view Tim wasn't affected by these times, but I still consider him my partner and friend. How can I help him without ruining the relationship?

Lauren M.

Dear Lauren,

Everybody has flaws except for young Joan Didion. She should have been preserved in amber. Here are some things that ultimately ended my relationships:

1. Whenever he wore a suit, he would yell, "Zoot suit riot! Throw back a bottle of beer!" Fucking idiot.

2. He asked me where recycled plastic went. When I responded, "A recycling plant," he giggled like it was a joke.

3. He chased pigeons like a poodle.

4. During sex he would get super embarrassed if he sweat at all. Then he would apologize, roll off me and check his e-mail.

5. His sister was named Veronica Toolings. Just no.

6. He would put his hands on my face every time we kissed. When I asked him why he did it, he said because Ryan Gosling did. We didn't break up because of this, but it was still pretty weird. We broke up because he moved to Brazil.

7. If we went to the movies, he bought three boxes of candy. He would save one for later that night.

8. He killed a guy. It was self-defense, but it still worried me at times.

See? Tim is not so bad after all. He most likely has a severe allergy to alcohol that means he will not be a functioning alcoholic, which is way worse than someone who can't hold his liquor. If you really want to make him better, try to get him to take some other drug that is fun when he goes out that will replace alcohol, like mushrooms or arsenic.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"That Point When" - My Brightest Diamond (mp3)

"Whoever You Are" - My Brightest Diamond (mp3)