In Which We Assume This Will Be Hell To Clarify

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

Lately I have been getting into a lot of fights with my mom about my boyfriend Tim. Even though Tim and I live together in an apartment about twenty minutes away from my Mom's house, she frequently asks him to come over to help her out with tasks around the house. The chores are menial but I resent that she feels she can occupy his time. He feels he can't say no to her but is far from eager to pitch in.

There is another complication to my problem. My dad left when I was four after cheating regularly on my mom. My mom likes and appreciates Tim, but she also continues to encourage me to monitor his comings and goings so that the same thing doesn't happen to me. It makes me paranoid and sometimes I find myself wondering. I've explained this to Tim and he says he doesn't find it out of the ordinary, but I'm worried these two things will drive him far away - possibly to Alaska or the former Soviet Union. How do I handle this ticklish sitch?

Lake T.

 

Dear Lake,

At first it may seem like these are really two separate problems, each requiring their own unique solution. In reality, one complements the other quite well. If your mother actually believes Tim is cheating on you, she will stop asking him to help out around the house.

Maybe you're not comfortable lying to your mom about Tim's "fucking around." After all, she raised you, presumably by herself. Why not be vague and say that you and Tim have been having some problems. When she asks what kind of problems, you must select the only problem that couples have that no one would ever want to get involved with, even your mom: religion. Inform your mom that Tim really doesn't mind helping her, but because of these problems it's hurtful to you to have him spending time there when you need your space. Cry during this, and if the moment strikes you, weep. I once saw a friend sob like a baby while simultaneously sucking fluid from a juicebox full of Juicy Juice. I assure you I never was able to forget it.

Hey,

My friend Judy is a lovely little thing. Her one problem is that she tends to get a little fresh with the guys right away. She rags on them about voting for Obama and loving Christian Dior. Guys that meet her say she seems to operate on her own orbit. As a result, it feels like they don't get to know the real Judy. How can I tell her to tone it down a smidge when you are first getting to know someone?

Virginia M.

Dear Virginia,

Men love charismatic women, so I can only assume Judy's behavior borders on extremely inappropriate. I had a Pekinese who was like that and suffice it to say she later became the star of All Dogs Go To Heaven.

To correct a dog's behavior, it is only necessary to offer some trifling reward. You must do the same with Judy. You say she has trouble making a first impression. Find a man who can last a bit beyond that. When he is unable to tolerate her, you will know to get a new friend. If he tolerates her, then your problem is likely solved.

It's also possible that Judy doesn't need your help. Operating in your own orbit is hardly the worst thing you can do. Think of Luna Lovegood. 

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"I Don't Want To Be Your Mother" - Rachael Yamagata (mp3)

"Miles On A Car" - Rachael Yamagata (mp3)

In Which We Discover This Is Onerous To Convey

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

We have all heard the maxim, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I have been dating my boyfriend David for over a year. Early on in our relationship, when we were not exclusive, he explained that he had also been seeing another girl, who we will call Serena. He told me that he was going to break it off with her and that was that.

Recently he told me he had plans to meet up with Serena again, and reassured me that it was only in a friendly context. Initially I had no problem with this, but my curiosity led me into a google rabbit hole and I viewed Serena's online presence in its entirety. She is a very, very attractive presence, in a lot of ways that I am not. For example, she has long blonde hair and a tiny waist.

When I brought this up to David, he again told me there was nothing to it and said all the right things. He offered to cancel, but I said it was OK. Now I am kind of worried though. Objectively I don't believe he ever cheated on me, but I can't help having that feeling in the back of my mind. What should I do?

Denise F.

Dear Denise,

If your relationship was strong and committed, the reappearance of Serena should not have a negative impact on what you share with your beau. If it was strong and committed, she would just be a faceless woman that was once a part of his past and now is not.

Speaking to the situation at hand though, you have two options: You can demand to be there when he meets up with her. You can make your presence known. You can publicly establish the boundaries to her. But all that does is shine a negative light on you. It makes you seem paranoid. If I was Serena, I would think that there’s something wrong within the relationship. And there’s no point in giving this other woman the upper hand by showing your cards of insecurity.

Instead, the best option is to ask David the nature of his past relationship. Was Serena just a woman he was dating casually at the same time he began to date you? What defines casually? And how long were they together? You can ask these questions in a to-the-point manner. It might seem confrontational (because it is), but it is better than worrying yourself over something that you ultimately can’t control. Be honest with how this makes you feel to him. Get it all out in the open, ask for honesty in his response, and trust that the strength of your relationship will provide a sufficient enough answer.

Hey,

I am a 20 year college graduate who takes medication for my bipolar disorder. When I inform my dates of my condition or that I take regular medication, they do not react very well. Usually in their eyes I see a fight or flight response reminiscent of a young doe. When is the right time and manner in which to bring up my condition?

Nathan R.

Dear Nathan,

There is no set time when it might be appropriate to share sensitive information, but you will probably know when it’s right. Usually the other person will have shown you that it is okay to say these things, normally by sharing their own stories. This could be on the second date or in the second month.  Dating allows both people to test the waters. As the relationship grows, so should each person’s trust in the other. If you pull somebody into the deep end with you right away, you won’t know if they’re up to it. They haven’t earned your trust yet, and you haven’t earned theirs. Start small, like with a bowl of pistachios.   

It’s also possible that you are dating people who aren’t ready to be in real relationships. If you’re still rebuffed even when you’ve waited until it’s natural or necessary to share, then move on and don’t blame yourself. They are the ones who need to grow up.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"Asleep in the Deep" - Mastodon (mp3)

"Ember City" - Mastodon (mp3)

In Which There Must Be More Than This Provincial Advice

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

I have been friends with Connie since we were kids. A couple of years ago, she started a fashion blog and it’s gotten really popular. Now she gets free clothes from designers, magazine spreads, and she has hundreds of followers on Instagram.

What’s really irking me, though, is that she used to “shop” me and my friends’ closets in high school until she created the style she’s known for today. Before that, she didn’t really have very nice things. How do I let people know that she’s a fake? It bothers me that people can get away with dishonesty and still become internet famous. Please tell me what to do.

Jill T.

Dear Jill,

What bothers you is that your friend is famous and you’re not. Might I suggest you shed your holier-than-thou attitude? There is most likely a verse in the Bible concerning this. You look like a glass house in this light.

It’s always a little disappointing to see somebody end up better off, especially when you both started out with the same things. But what really happened here is that Connie started off with less and made more of herself. She literally humiliated herself by taking her friends’ cast-off clothing and then used it to create her own success. Good for her.

As for you, Jill, it’s time to find a new hobby. Maybe unfollow Connie on Instagram if it’s making you so mad you can’t see the bigger picture. Then read something cerebral or gently slam Michiko Kakutani over brunch. Remember, you didn’t want those clothes. Find something that looks better on you than a sour expression and make your own success.

Hey,

I was recently searching through my seventeen year old brother Dennis' things for reasons, and I came across a letter he had written to a woman. Her name is Desiree and she appears to be older than him, e.g. out of school. Nevertheless their letter was quite sincere and included notions of having children together and making a life for themselves.

I'm not certain whether or not Dennis has ever sex, but he certainly isn't very experienced in the process. As recently as last year, he was asking me very basic questions about it. I have no intention of informing my parents about the letter, but I'm not sure what advice to offer him, if any.

Alise B.

Dear Alise,

Only positive things can occur being couples with alliterative first names. Take, for example... Hmm. Nevermind. I was thinking of Ned and Stacey, but their names aren't alliterative and many negative things happened. Tell your brother that no one with the name Dennis has ever been with anyone named Desiree, so the jury is still out.

You should not have gone into your brother's things unless you are truly worried he was going to harm himself, which is apparently the justification for every single invasion of privacy in human history. Given that he wants children with some shiksa, we can assume he is probably not going to end it all.

Young love is tremendous, and your brother is on the verge of making the biggest mistake of his life. You can only watch from afar and enjoy the fireworks, as they will no doubt make you seem better in the eyes of everyone in comparison. If you really must change your brother's life, send Desiree a cease and desist letter on a legal-esque letterhead and your brother will never hear from her again.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.