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is dedicated to the enjoyment of audio and visual stimuli. Please visit our archives where we have uncovered the true importance of nearly everything. Should you want to reach us, e-mail alex dot carnevale at gmail dot com, but don't tell the spam robots. Consider contacting us if you wish to use This Recording in your classroom or club setting. We have given several talks at local Rotarys that we feel went really well.

Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Entries in ADVICE (196)

Wednesday
May282014

In Which We Find This Onerous To Explain

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

I'm 22, but I have the dating experience of a 14-year-old. I didn't even kiss anyone until I was a senior in college, and now that I'm out of college I'm trying to "put myself out there" or something. I finally got an OkCupid profile, and now I have kissed two whole people in my life. The problem is that it's so hard for me to "casually" date because it's impossible for even just kissing someone to be "casual" for me. How do I stop being so insecure about myself and my inexperience with dudes?

Kelly H.

Dear Kelly,

Your problem isn’t your insecurity or your inexperience. They haven’t stopped you from being able to recognize what you want and to work for it. You have created an online profile, and you have kissed two people. At least none of them (presumably) murdered you, Kelly.

You need to do two things. First, stop beating yourself up for being a late bloomer. It’s likely that Blaise Pascal never kissed anyone at all. You’re not in high school anymore. Nobody cares. Nobody’s keeping a tally. You shouldn’t either. By risking your life you have shown you’re not afraid, so get out there and get what you want.

Which brings me to my next point: you need to figure out if you want to have a bunch of casual flings or if you want long-term relationships. Just because you started later doesn’t mean you have to make up for lost time – unless you want to. This isn’t about what you think a person should or shouldn’t have done by the age of 22. It’s about what you want and what’s good for you right now. Use a condom, or failing that, pepper spray.

Hi,

I'm at (yet another) crossroads in my life where I have to choose whether I want to aim for short-term gratification and personal improvement or if I should go for employment security. I've found that for me it boils down to a decision between a postgraduate liberal arts or science degree. When, if ever, is it too old to pursue very expensive and degrees which are almost purely for self-improvement? What's the value of the liberal arts during a recession?

Linda S.

Dear Linda,

When we started college, we gravitated towards a science degree in hopes of finding financial stability, but  ended up being miserable. It was not really a revelation to see that if we wanted to be happy we had to maximize our abilities on a different path.

Training for what you want to do is important, but just doing it is better. If it's in the arts, no special qualifications are really required; I believe Lewis Lapham once killed a guy. Do you need this degree to get a specific job? If yes, then it may be worth pursuing. If not, books are freely available to read without paying some institution an exorbitant sum to explain them to you. Or we can explain them over some hot cocoa and several Thomas Bernhard novels. What are you doing on Friday?

Hi,

I feel like I'm backsliding into a relationship with an old flame. We broke up after six months and didn't speak for a while after, but we recently rekindled our romance. We have been flirting through text and phone calls without any definite plans of actually getting back together. We currently live in two different states and he always backs out when we make plans. I feel comfortable around him and he conveys mutual feelings. I feel like I'm wasting my time, but I can't seem to move on from the thought of us being together. What do you think?

Jen A. 

 

Dear Jen,

If he's not Ryan Gosling material we don't think you should pursue this relationship any longer. You want someone who will go the extra mile for you, day and night. He is probably hooking up with several side babes in his area and you're his long distance virtual side babe. You're a thriving beautiful human being and you don't need to wait around for him.

Think about the reasons why you two broke up in the first place. You might feel comfortable relying on him for comfort, but you're better off finding someone who will make you writhe with pleasure without any nonsense. 

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"Just Say When" - Mindi Abair (mp3)

"I'll Be Your Home" - Mindi Abair (mp3)

Wednesday
May212014

In Which We Find This Difficult To Articulate

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi, 

All the guys I meet bore me to death. I’m in desperate need for a change of pace and scenery with lots of adventure. I’ve spent some time trying to rebuild my life after being in a long-term relationship. I feel like I get stuck with boring and flaky guys who show little reciprocation of affection and adventure. I feel like I’m looking in all the wrong places. Do I need to lower my expectations? I’m just really tired of getting my hopes up on a guy and then meeting him and having it feel like it’s not worth my time.

Sincerely,

Jane B.

Dear Jane,

Don’t lower your expectations, but alter them to your own physical and emotional needs. You have three options:

1. You can buy into the idea that you must never settle for anything less than your hopes and dreams.

2. You can believe that nobody will ever be good enough, that you won’t be good enough, that the world will never be good enough, and that relationships are bullshit.

3. You can learn to expect real things and to ask for them from the people you meet.

You sound like you’re squatting in option 1 (otherwise known as Disneyland) while option 2 gets a new paint job in shades of disappointment – basically, until it becomes easier for you to live there.

What they have in common is that they both allow you to give up: one, by allowing you to believe that someday your prince will come, and the other, by allowing you to believe that nobody’s coming so why even try?

Nope. Your new home is option 3. Here, you work your ass off to be kind, open, real and hopeful. You say no when things need to end, when there’s incompatibility, when you aren’t being treated right, but you say yes when somebody is real and open. Even if they say something (or many things) that doesn’t put stars in your eyes right away, okay? For example, if they have favorable things to say about Albert Camus, this should not be a dealbreaker, unless they have read The Stranger over ten times. Then just move on.

Hi,

I graduated from college last year and I’ve been living with my parents since then. My mom and dad are in their late 50s. We get along fine for the most part, except for one fight that keeps popping up: my parents want me to get a full-time job and move out. I’ve been working part-time at a local bookstore, but not enough to afford rent, and what I really want to do is spend as much time as possible writing. I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember, and all of my teachers – elementary through senior year of college – say that I’m talented. Even my parents think so! But they still want me to spend most of my time sitting at a desk in an office. I don’t know how to make them understand that I only have one life, and while I may not be making the most conventional choice, it’s one that I feel is right.

Thank you,

Elena S.

Dear Elena, 

You need to move out pronto.

I know you think you’re taking a huge stand for independence, but you’re not. You’re using your writing as an excuse to stay in a world where gold stars rain from the sky and people give you high-fives just for waking up. If you really want to be a writer, you need to get out of that world, and fast. You need to earn your spot. You need to allow yourself to be vulnerable to make some sacrifices to eventually let go of your safety net even if it feels scary at first.

An abundance of time and freedom do not make a writer. Work does. If you can get back to your small, expensive, lonely apartment after a long, exhausting day of waiting tables or crunching numbers and still want to pen an essay, then you’ll know. Until then, you’re just like those people who are waiting for retirement to start doing what they really love: delusional.

Your parents understand that, which is why they’re giving you the boot. Stop working so hard for affirmation, and start doing the real work. Go take what’s really yours, unless you have no talent at all. Then it's probably best to apply directly for disability.

Hi,

All of my friends think I’m wasting my time pursuing a relationship with Theresa, with whom I have been hooking up with for over a year. They give me a hard time, telling me that she’ll never reciprocate similar feelings because she’s only using me, which isn’t entirely true. We have deep conversations and I feel like we have the potential to connect on a boyfriend/girlfriend level.

Theresa recently revealed to me that she has borderline personality disorder. I picked up books and researched to better understand the issues she’s going through. I’m okay with her sleeping with other guys, but I want her to come to her senses. Am I wasting my time or should I keep trying?

Sincerely,

Tom W.

Dear Tom,

Theresa is only using you as a hookup buddy. The status of your relationship is clear if she’s sleeping with other people. She only cares about you platonically, but she’ll never love you the way you want her to. You have become invested in her emotionally, which is something you didn’t plan with the original engagement of just being hookup buddies.

To prolong the pursuit of hope that she’ll come to you any longer is only going to yield the same results over and over again. She isn’t responding the way you want her to and it’s putting you at an absolute loss in rationalizing your feelings for her.

Have you read The Game? If no, Don't. If yes, read The Goldfinch.

You need to come to a realization that she isn’t making you her priority. You can love her unconditionally as a friend, but it will only hurt you knowing she’ll never be truly yours. You can only do so much to help her with reading books and online articles, but she doesn’t want to be saved by you. She is probably making out with a guy who is much better looking and has read both of those titles, as well as Proust. He thinks What Is The What is a masterpiece and thinks Bernie Sanders simply must run for president. He is completely terrible but also absolutely fantastic.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"You Don't Know What To Do" - Mariah Carey ft. Wale (mp3)

"One More Try" - Mariah Carey (mp3)

Thursday
May262011

In Which Molls Is Now Regarded As Your Closest Advizer

Plz Advise

by MOLLY MCALEER

Plz Advise is an advice column about almost anything, but don't like, take out a loan against your 401k or murder anyone based on anything I say. I'm not a doctor, duh.

Molls,

I've recently been fired from coaching a high school basketball team; a job that I completely adored. I coached with one of my closest friends who I had previously coached other teams with. After our first season coaching high school, she fired me completely out of the blue. I don't have a problem with being fired but rather with the way she fired me; in my own home, with no clear reason why I was being fired (she did say she wanted to “spread her wings,” but she’s an art major so like, why spread them into coaching?), and the day before we were getting back to work after a 2 week break. This was about a month ago. I feel so hurt and disrespected, like our friendship meant nothing to her. We’ve been friends for 6 years and as much as I want to get over how the firing went down, I can’t. Am I reacting normally, or do I need to get over myself?

Kiesha

Acknowledge that this chick is mad rude and accept it. Gross, evil, insecure people exist and you should be glad you're not one of them. Then go to your previous team's rival, volunteer to coach and wipe the floor with her ass.

Go team.

Molls,

I want to move to L.A. but I'm freaked out. I have a support system in the Valley (Family) and friends in Venice. If I move I won't leave the Westside often if possible. I'm in Sales and Marketing, not entertainment. Still a little nervous I’ll be poor/ wont meet normal guys.

Annie

If fear is the only thing that’s stopping you, then I suggest you tackle it and feel silly in retrospect for placing such a high value on those emotions.

I didn't know anyone but two of my friends from college when I moved to L.A. and all of my family still live in Massachusetts. You have an edge just by having someone who is blood and who can pull you out of the gutter or give you a hot meal just because they feel obligated to do so. There have been a dozen times when I’ve been like, "If only I had an aunt in the Valley!"

You'll be fine. There's plenty of work in your field out here. Dudes are gross and a pain pretty much everywhere. So are chicks. Everyone sucks to date and there are worse things than being poor.

See ya on the beach!

Hi Molls,

i'm 13 and i want to start a blog kind of like yours my dad doesnt want me to, and i'm verrrrrrrrrrrrry shy, like i was thinking of geting a wig like miley on " hannah montana" just to try.(like i joke, i dont like hannah) i think it woul be funny and it coul work bur i dont know wer or how to buy it without my father see it.

Molly

Of course your name is Molly and you want to start a blog. That's like being named Cinnamon and wanting to be a stripper. I get it.

You should listen to your dad. Parents usually say things for a reason. Trust me when I say that you have your whole life to blog, especially if you don’t mind being practically poverty stricken.

If you go behind his back and do it anyway, just make sure you don't write anything on there that will let people know who you are. Make up fake names for yourself and your friends; don't say where you live or where you go to school.

It may not seem like it, but if you want to be anything like me, you have to practice every day. I made my first blog on Geocities or Angelfire when I was 11 and I only got away with it because my mom had no idea what I was doing on the computer. I'm from a different time, kid.

You're probably going to hate your blog at first (and maybe forever, actually) but doing it every day decreases your odds of having everyone else hate it, too.

Make sure you use spellcheck.

Molls,

So there's this girl that is a friend of a friend of mine who I am developing a crush with. This girl and I actually follow each other on most of social networking/blow sites and we seem to have a lot of the same niche interests and "acknowledge" each others presence - likes, re-blogs, RT, etc. I've never actually held a conversation with this person, but Im sure we'd have a decent time hanging out. So how do I approach the subject of hanging out? Is it too forward? Also if I happen to run into her while she's with our mutual friend should I act more like a stranger or should it be more friendly?

Derek

Why do you think God invented dick pics, Derek?

J/Ksies, dawg. Don’t send her a dick pic… yet.

Just send her a message in her Tumblr ask box and be like, "Hey, girl. You seem dope. Sorry if this is awkward for you or if you’re not into this kind of thing, but do you want to get a drink sometime?" OR "Hey, I saw you like (insert band/artist’s name here.) I have tickets to their show in two weeks and it would be fun to go with another fan. No pressure. You’re allowed to think this is weird and not respond to me."

Read real closely: Do not misrepresent yourself and say you "want to be friends" (she'll never believe that even if she’s playing along) and do not compliment her looks or pretend you know her. Probably just copy and paste what I wrote above and hope that you've got a fly looking avatar, because that’s all I’d respond to. You have to wait to make sure this chick isn't totally fucked up before you can figure out the romantic stuff.

Be prepared to have her tell you in person that everything you know about her online presence is a lie. Be prepared to hate her guts or find out she has a boyfriend she doesn’t talk about on her blog. Don’t act like you’re going to know her deal before you meet in person. Assuming anything about her will be a turn off to her and a potential disappointment to you. It will also kill any illusion that you haven’t been tracking her moves online for long time and thinking about her when you masturbate.

Good luck. My fingers are crossed that it's a love connection!

Molly McAleer is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She twitters here. You can find her website here. She is the co-founder of Hello Giggles.

Photographs by Jennifer Nies.

All The Advice That's Fit To Post On The Internet

Plz Advise #1: Guidelines for Twitter Romance

Plz Advise #2: Everytime You Go Away

Plz Advise #3: How to Make Friends And Influence Bloggers

Plz Advise #4: More Of A Bro Than You Thought

Plz Advise #5: Martini Time

Plz Advise #6: A General Lack of Self-Awareness

Plz Advise #7: Dump Your Boyfriends

Plz Advise #8: Advice To Keep Close At Hand

I Get My Advice From Plz Advise, Where Do You Get Yours From?

"I've Got Your Number" - Passion Pit (mp3)

"Wet Hair" - Japandroids (mp3)

"Lick the Balls" - Slick Rick (mp3)