In Which You Should Probably Dump Your Respective Boyfriends

Plz Advise

by MOLLY MCALEER 

Plz Advise is an advice column. You can e-mail me questions about almost anything, but don’t like, take out a loan against your 401k or murder anyone based on anything I say. I'm not a doctor, duh. E-mail your questions to plzadviseme@gmail.com and keep them under 150 words.

Molls,

My only goal for the past decade was writing, 3 unpublished novels. Adversely, things like kids and marriage were the last thing on my mind. My relationship of 3-years is now an issue. I love my girlfriend and can see marrying her, having kids, but what’s holding me back is money and time. If I had kids my time would be gone. We live together and balancing my alone time/writing and being a good companion is already very difficult. Writing makes me happy. I know this 100 percent. I could devote all my days to this. But I can’t currently. Can I have both? Would I regret ending a relationship with a woman I love because I wouldn’t have the time to be what she wants? Or would I be resentful of the family that takes all my time and means, keeping me from the thing I know makes me happy?

Trevor

Wow. That's so weird that the thought of serious relationship was the last thing on your mind when it was the only palpable thing you've had. Pretty weird. Might be a book idea in there somewhere for you. Maybe just a character. I don't know, I've never tried to write a book.

Stop being a fucking donkey. Why are you punishing this woman because you can't concentrate on your crybaby art? You willingly entertained a relationship for a pretty long period of time and have probably enjoyed most of it, yet you blame her for your inability to get your work done? Gross, man.

You have three options:

1) Dump the girlfriend and finish ONE of your three books. Take it seriously. Finish it and submit it to publishers. If you’re rejected, look into private investors or Kickstarter. You don’t get your entire 20s or 30s to sit back and work on novels at night while you drop your resume into a well of irrelevance while simultaneously blaming your choices on another person,

2) Go to a fucking coffee shop and work there. Tell your girlfriend that you need to work and that you hope you guys can share your success one day and that you appreciate her support. If she's already stuck it out for three years, she should understand,

3) Realize that, while writing makes you the most happy and you’re all Letters to a Young Poet about it, you can't get it done. Hurt to read? Then go back to options one and two and figure it out from there.

Molls,

I've recently started seeing a guy who I have been friends with for a long time. Our relationship has a great dynamic: he's very easygoing and fun and very caring. However, there is one problem. He seems to not be completely over his ex, or maybe the idea of his ex. They broke up a year ago and it was a pretty bad breakup. It hadn't started bothering me until recently when we decided to start getting serious. He'll drop her name in conversation randomly or fixate on something that bothered him about her. He doesn't seem to be AWARE of it, which makes it even worse. I'd like to think I'm cool about it by not ever calling him out on it or making a big deal because I figure that's something he'll eventually get over it, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just in denial about it. It's more annoying than worrisome and I'm wondering what I can do to not let this bother me so much.

Lindsay

It genuinely saddens me to let you know that he's not over her and that you should dump him.

Molls,

So there's this guy. He hooked up thrice (nothing serious) with a friend of mine, but it never took off and ended amicably. Recently she introduced us and I think there could be something there. However, I can't stop feeling uneasy about their past history, particularly given she mentions it jokingly a lot. I've asked her if she’d be bothered if I pursued it and she's said no. He seems great and I've had it a bit rough the past two years and I feel like I deserve to try my hand at happiness within the dating scene having finally reached a place where I'm ready to BUT: Does this make me a bad friend if I do, despite her blessing? Will knowing they hook up ever not cause me pangs? Am I being a head case?

Ash

That'd be a big no and two maybes.

If your friend said to go for it, then that's what you should feel free to do. You may want to consider that it sounds like she's not over it, but it's her job to be honest with you about her feelings.  I've had this happen to me before and I wound up realizing that my friend was uncomfortable talking about her feelings with me because she was insecure and generally resented me and that the dude sucked and was not for me. That's worst-case scenario, but it'll still free you of two people that you probably don’t want around.

Just go out with this dude as friends and figure out how you feel. Go mad slow. Hang out with him and see what happens between you and how your friend reacts. Maybe you'll want to vomit any time you think about him penetrating your homegirl, maybe you'll find out he’s not as cool as you thought he was, or maybe you'll hear from her that she’s secretly in love with him and couldn't be brought to tell you. There's also a chance that none of this will matter and you two will hit it off.

As of right now, you're not working with enough information to make a decision and as you said, you deserve to have some fun with a guy. Save your worrying and ask me what I think in a few months when it turns out this dude is a heroin addict and you ask him to watch your cat for the weekend and you come home and all your expensive shit is stolen and you ask your friend where this maniac came from and she's like, "Oh, yeah. I knew him during a pretty wild time in my life. Sorry."

Molly McAleer is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She twitters here. You can find her website here. She is the co-founder of Hello Giggles.

Photographs by Jennifer Nies.

"I Wanna Fuck You" - Akon ft. Snoop Dogg (mp3)

"Upside Down"  - NOMO & Shawn Lee (ft. Natalie Bergman) (mp3)

"Blame Game" - Kanye West (mp3)

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Plz Advise #7: Dump Your Boyfriends

Plz Advise #8: Advice To Keep Close At Hand

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In Which Molls Corrects A General Lack Of Self-Awareness

Plz Advise

by MOLLY MCALEER

Plz Advise is an advice column. You can e-mail me questions about almost anything, but don't like, take out a loan against your 401k or murder anyone based on anything I say. I'm not a doctor, duh. E-mail your questions to plzadviseme@gmail.com and keep them under 150 words.

Molls,

Eight months ago, a pal of mine had a baby. Our group of friends has been supportive and accommodating from the beginning, changing our plans so as not to disturb the baby's schedule. But now, eight months later, my friend still hasn't made any attempts to find babysitters outside of the group so that we can all go out (she claims she can't trust anybody) and pretty much refuses to do anything without her baby in tow. How can I help her understand that her daughter isn't going to die if she leaves her alone for an hour or two?

Heidi

Your friend is being selfish. That sucks. It's probably a good time to teach her a valuable lesson in not being a complete drag via lack of self-awareness.

Next time you invite her out, let her know that it’s an evening for adults only, and while you love her baby, you don't think it would be appropriate for her to bring it along. If that starts a fight, have one of your friends back you up by saying that it's definitely not personal, you just don't want to bring a baby to a bar with you. If she wants to stay at home with the thing and go stir crazy, let her.

I'm pretty sure the moment after you stop allowing her dictate the mood of your every outing, she'll snap out of it. If she resents you and thinks you're being cruel or insensitive after you've stuck with her and her insecurity and bullshit throughout the first eight months of this baby's life (and probably her entire pregnancy too, huh?) then all of this is just pointing to a bigger problem: You entertained a self-involved friend for a little too long.

Hopefully that baby will start talking soon and she’ll have someone to keep her company.

Molls,

I've been seeing this crustpunk traveler kid for a couple months now. It was originally just a fling to me, but people kept telling me that he seemed to be really into me. Over time I've grown attached and I kind of like him. The night before he left to go north he told me that he really, REALLY liked me and that he hasn't felt this way in a while, he hasn't been seeing anyone else since he first met me, etc. The next day I was supposed to meet up with him at a BBQ to say goodbye but by the time I got there he had already left without saying a word. What the fuck does that mean? He drops this crazy emotional bomb on me and then disappears. Supposedly he’ll be back in a few weeks, but how am I supposed to interpret his abrupt departure?

Thanks for any advice you may have.

Penny

Maybe he's a cokehead. Or a drunk. Maybe he's just a coward.

Don't let this fool have any sort of impact on the way you live your life. If it was just a fling to you, don't let the fact that he likes you take over your mindset. Anyone can like you, girl, but do you like him?

If you do like him more than you're copping to in your letter to me, then ask him straight-up next time you talk to him why he dropped bombs on you and then peaced out before he could even give you a proper good-bye. It seems to me like this dude might be a player and a manipulator, so be prepared to protect yourself from all of that while simultaneously showing him that you’re not going to be mistreated.

And never forget that you called this guy a crustpunk before you said anything else about him. That kind of says more about this situation then whatever I could tell you.

Molls,

I have a class with a girl named Riley. She's real funny but not attractive to the dudes in our class, plus she's a big girl (not like morbidly obese though). She gets picked on a lot by the guys. How can I defend her without getting myself thrown into the lion's den?

Kadeja

Fuck a lion's den. There's no lion's den like the hell you live in when you’re constantly trying to make people who are terrible by definition happy. Guys in school picking on the fat girl? Where have I heard that story before? Oh, right, every magazine profile on any genuine and successful woman like, ever.

You wanna know who your girl Riley is? She's a baller. She goes into school every day, gets picked on and still keeps herself and others laughing. You would be lucky to have a friend that strong and I have a feeling that even a year out of school you’ll start to feel slightly ashamed that you were ever hesitant to befriend her.

Bullying's tough. I was the kind of girl in high school that guys wanted to talk to because I'd make them laugh, and then the second their friends turned the corner, they'd push me into a locker and call me a fat dyke. Trust me when I tell you that I laugh my ass off every time I open up a Facebook message from one of those fools telling me that they always thought I was funny and destined to do something with my life. It usually takes me about ten minutes to even remember where I know their names from.

Take the social hit. Don't deny you or Riley the friendship you both deserve and if you see people pick on her, stick up for her and do it bravely. Stand by her side. That's your girl and if you're there for her, she'll either remain your girl forever or, at the very least, never forget that you showed her compassion when no one else did.

What will siding with the guys you go to school with get you anyway? A discount on your oil change when you run into them at the Pep Boys that they are all working at together in twenty years. Maybe. If one of them is a manager and able to override the computer's invoicing system.

Molly McAleer is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She twitters here. You can find her website here. She is the co-founder of Hello Giggles.

Photographs of the author by Jennifer Nies.

"Answer to Yourself" - The Soft Pack (mp3)

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In Which Molls Advises No Martinis, Manicures Or Pillow Fights

Plz Advise

by MOLLY MCALEER

Plz Advise is an advice column. You can e-mail me questions about almost anything, but don’t like, take out a loan against your 401k or murder anyone based on anything I say. I'm not a doctor, duh. E-mail your questions to plzadviseme@gmail.com and keep them under 150 words.

Molls,

I'm a freshman in college and right off the bat I became good friends with one of my profs who is in her 30s. She doesn't fit the stereotype of the typical Christian College professor, which is what made me want to be her friend. At first, was really interesting and fun to hangout with her, but lately it’s turned more into her trying to "mommy" me and its annoying for 2 reasons.

1. I feel like she acts like that only because she knows I lost my mom a couple years ago and so she thinks she can be the replacement of my dead mommy. (Uhh no thanks.) and

2. She calls me names like "missy" and "kiddo."

Basically, how do I get her to stop playing the mommy card?

Christine

Not to alienate you, but everything you’ve just explained to me is seriously bizarre.

I went to a pretty conservative (Catholic!) university myself, and while I was friendly with several of my professors, I would have never called them my friends. You can grab a beer (one beer) with them after class, you can go to their house for dinner or you can chat with them in the quad about what a pain your roommate is or how much you miss your friends back home. That’s about it. No pet names, no martinis and manicures, no pillow fights.

You need to take ownership of the fact that you started an inappropriate relationship with someone who is supposed to be your superior. Even with the coolest, most laid-back and non-authoritative types, you need to respect the fact that you’re paying a lot of money to have this person teach and grade you. Maybe when the class is over you can strike up some sort of more personal relationship, but while someone’s in control of your grades, there is no friendship.

Not all of this is your fault. This woman sounds like she has no sense of boundaries herself. Just because someone is certified to teach does not mean they are a good/safe person and it definitely doesn’t mean that they’re rational. However, she has control over a part of your life that I’d guess you care a lot about, so you need to suck it up and deal.

Once her class is over, treat her like a dude you don’t want to hook up with anymore. Answer every third e-mail or phone call and be short and sweet in your tone, while also making it clear that you’re not suffering without her. She’ll figure out that you don’t need to be saved and that her efforts to do so were not appreciated.

If that makes her dislike you, whatever. I’m sure there are plenty of other professors at your school and if there’s not, then transfer the hell out of that crazy-ass place.

Also, talk to the other students, girl. Statistically, several of your classmates have also lost a parent, so you’re not as alone as you may think.

Molls,

My girlfriend went traveling and met someone. Apparently they connected. To which I am very jealous. She is going back to see this other chick in June, also she wants a polygamous relationship, but I don't think I feel comfortable with it. I really love her and want us to be together. What should I do?

Lainey

If it were me, I would put a lit cigarette out on my girlfriend’s face and say, “Do you like the way that feels, you fucking whore? That’s what you’re doing to my heart, but multiplied by ten. Have fun living your new faux-Mormon lifestyle, you insane bitch.”

I’m single.

I know that we’re all supposed to be down with polyamorous relationships because everyone’s cynical about love and mad fluid these days, but I’m an old-fashioned girl. Thinking about someone that I love being sexual (or even emotional) with someone else makes me experience every negative emotion at once. It sounds like you might be that way too.

Just like she can’t make you be comfortable with the idea of her getting with multiple people and keeping you on the side like Eva Mendes in Training Day, you can’t teach someone the kind of physical and emotional loyalty that you’re looking for. Seems to me that your relationship as you once knew it is already over.

From what I’m told, there are other people out there who still really believe in the idea of monogamy, so maybe cut this chick loose regardless of how difficult it feels and take some time for yourself before seeking out a partner who’s a better fit.

Time to dust off the Fiona Apple CDs, lady.

Molls,

A friend from college really wants to keep in touch, but every time we end up talking on the phone she criticizes the choices I've made since leaving school and expresses doubt that I'm doing my best to get where I want to be in life. I know she doesn't mean to hurt my feelings, but it's becoming a real pain in the ass to talk to her. Should I make her happy by continuing to talk to her, or slowly eradicate her from my life?

Marie

Are you making poor decisions with your life? Do you complain about your life to her and then she goes into concerned friend mode? If that’s how it is, you need to either not complain to her or get your shit together. Otherwise, the girl needs to fuck off and I’ll tell you how to get that process started.

Placate her. When she starts up with the “Here’s what you need to do to get your life in order,” stuff, just be like, “Great, awesome. Thank you,” and then after five more minutes of polite conversation say, “Well, I’ve got some stuff to do, so I’m going to let you go.”

When she calls you again, do the same thing, but be even shorter with her. Keep this up until she’s under the impression that you’re just too busy for any of her bullshit and then eventually she’ll stop calling. If she ever tries to guilt trip you, just send a one line e-mail like, “Sorry, girl! Guess all that talk about me being the best version of myself paid off! Just been busy! Hope you’re well!”

Sure, this is a two-faced way of dealing with a person, but it sounds like this girl has five faces, so feel free to try and catch up. Plus, unleashing the whole, “listen, you need to back off because I’m doing me”-thing on an unstable person who feels the need to micromanage your life is a really great way to get them to never go away.

You should never feel the need to keep someone in your life who brings you down, regardless of how you think it will make them feel. The world is full of soul-sucking assholes who have nothing better to do than meddle in other people’s so-called problems, but it’s also full of kind, proactive and generous types. Cut through that human rainforest with your machete, girl. This chick is a pebble you step upon, and if she ever comes to you asking for a sip of water, offer to spit in her mouth.

Molly McAleer is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She twitters here. You can find her website here. She is the co-founder of Hello Giggles.

Photographs by Jennifer Nies.

Experience the Short But Vital History of Plz Advise

Plz Advise #1: Guidelines for Twitter Romance

Plz Advise #2: Everytime You Go Away

Plz Advise #3: How to Make Friends And Influence Bloggers

Plz Advise #4: More Of A Bro Than You Thought

Plz Advise #5: Martini Time

Plz Advise #6: A General Lack of Self-Awareness

Plz Advise #7: Dump Your Boyfriends

Plz Advise #8: Advice To Keep Close At Hand

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