In Which This Is Very Tough To Communicate

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

I was recently talking with my boyfriend about 9/11. He explained that he had been a freshman in college when the attack occurred, and described some of the things that happened at his Ivy League school during the attack - people crying, others screaming in shock and trying to reach their loved ones. Unfortunately all I could think about as he was telling this story is how I was in fourth grade when this happened. Before this anecdote, our age difference did not seem so important, but now I can't get it out of my mind. What should I do?

Martha S.

Dear Martha,

You are correct in stating that anyone who was in college during 9/11 is old, perhaps too old for you. In order to verify your hypothesis, here are some indications that your partner (#loveofyourlife) may just not be the right age.

- He was in graduate school during the Second World War.

- He thinks that penicillin is a "miracle life-saving drug" and defends it for hours whenever you rag on it.

- He wanted to name your cat Clementine or Archibald.

- His drug dealer asked him if he ever watched Fawlty Towers, and his response was anything except, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

- He soothes his feet by washing them in a water basin with Lucille Ball's face and torso on it.

- He asks you if that "upstart nation" Israel is going to be around for good.

Age isn't important, but not having the right opinions about things like John Cleese and Israel could come back to bite you in the ass later on IMO.

Hi,

I recently wrote to another advice columnist about my problems in a relationship. Not only did she say I was partly at fault for the problems that occurred in it, but she took a shot at the fact that I'm from England and naturally include the letter 'u' in all my wourds, even when it's for almost no reason.

The more I review the details of my relationship, the less I am convinced by Meredith that "You were both at fault." What do you think?

Megan B

Dear Megan,

Megan. Can I call you Megsy? Alright. You dated an obsessively creepy man who had to make things serious before there were even things to be serious about. Because he seemed interested and caring, you thought he probably wasn't a total asshole, but you were wrong in this. The worst losers in the entire world are great at pretending to be nice - if they were actually nice, they wouldn't have to pretend.

Eventually your boyfriend got tired of you and it was too exhausting to pretend. But instead of just admitting he had made a mistake, apologizing and telling you had a lovely accent for someone from that part of London, he had to put the blame on you, Megsy. If he put the blame on himself that would mean he was a super-controlling sociopath, and no one likes to think that when they look in the mirror except for Jennifer Lopez.

Hi,

I am in a committed relationship with my girlfriend of two years, Amy. We live together, and share many laughs and bon mots.

In early May I received a package in the mail from an ex. It was a box that my girlfriend unknowingly opened. While almost everything in the box only held a sentimental meaning obvious to the parties involved, there was one letter in the group, written by me, which could be described as romantic in nature.

The majority of the letter itself was chaste, but there was a reference to anal sex in it (a practice my ex enjoyed but is not a part of my life now). At first Amy seemed fine with what was undoubtedly a bit of a shock, but now she seems to have trouble overcoming the idea that the sex life I had with my ex was some kind of winsomely exotic menagerie, which it most certainly was not.

How can I get her to realize it wasn't all that important?

Henry L.

Dear Hank,

Telling Amy in minute detail what occurred is only going to open a Pandora's Box of insecurity. You need to give her an airtight reassurance to rely on in her mind: a recurring, comfortable phrase whose mere repetition is a solace. (Jonah Hill uses slurs.)

Sit her down with her favorite beverage. Perhaps she likes a piping hot tea? Who doesn't, as long as it's not a cherished part of anal play. She'll associate the taste of those ground beans with your definitive statement that she is in every way better than your ex. Having imprinted that idea, if Amy mentions it again, clearly state that you feel you have already addressed the issue, and that if she continues bringing it up she is liable to be shown the door.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"The Grass Ain't Greener" - Apathy (mp3)

"Back in New England" - Apathy ft. Chris Webby (mp3)