In Which Nothing About Audrey Hepburn's Ex-Husband Interests Us

The Dark Side of Audrey Hepburn

by ALMIE ROSE

Nothing about my ex-husband interests me. I have spent two years in hell – surely the worst in my life.

More than once, I was at the station seeing trainloads of Jews being transported, seeing all these faces over the top of the wagon. I was exactly the same age as Anne Frank. We were both 10 when the war broke out… if you read [her] diary, I’ve marked one place where she says, ‘Five hostages shot today.’ That was the day my uncle was shot.

I admit that people have often said they never really get to know me. But does anyone ever know someone else completely?

 It’s become cliché for teenagers and young women of our generation to love Audrey Hepburn. For some reason girls of the 90s grew up with an affinity for Hepburn to where it became, "Welcome to college, here’s your Breakfast At Tiffany’s poster for your dorm room." That film is based on a dark novella in which Holly Golightly doesn't get her cat back, doesn’t get the guy, and is generally a horrible person. But in the film, it’s not even really clear that Hepburn plays a prostitute. That completely went over my head the first time I saw it. I thought she just liked to wake up early and put on a party dress. Also there’s that horribly racist Mr. Yunioshi character that Mickey Rooney threw in there. So I guess if you really analyze it, there is a dark side to the film Breakfast at Tiffany’s, just not in an obvious way.

And that’s the thing about Audrey Hepburn. She has darkness but it isn’t obvious. The problems of Marilyn Monroe became part of her legend but Audrey’s were carefully tucked away in a Givenchy handbag. A friend of mine once despaired about a fight she got into with a rude friend of a friend. She didn't even know this person and yet she was torn up about it. When I asked her why it bothered her so much, she said it was because she strived to be like Audrey Hepburn, and "no one ever said anything bad about Audrey Hepburn."

Challenge accepted.

She is a rank amateur who needed a dozen takes. – Humphrey Bogart

Bogart hated working with Hepburn, but he had a point. Though she had come off a major film (Roman Holiday) for which she won an Academy Award, her success was partly due to luck, timing, and the graciousness of her costar Gregory Peck, who insisted on giving the unknown equal billing. Before Roman Holiday Hepburn starred in the play Gigi. Paramount actually considered her "plump" and put her on a strict diet of steak tartare and greens before filming. (You know Hollywood is fucked up when Audrey Hepburn is put on a diet.) Hepburn herself never believed that she was thin.

According to her son, Hepburn would refer to herself as “fake thin” because her upper body and waist was especially thin and would give her an overall appearance of slightness. One can’t help but roll their eyes at her claim because, well, look at her. Rumors of an eating disorder plagued her, but if you consider World War II an eating disorder, then yes, she was very disordered. In 1944 Nazis occupied the Netherlands, where she and her mother lived.

Audrey and her family, with the exception of her Nazi sympathizer father, worked for the resistance. She suffered severe malnutrition and once had to hide in a cellar for a few days. When she was a child she almost died of whooping cough. This, combined with her poor nutrition during the war, lead to her asthma. Despite the fact that she had weak lungs and knew it, she continued to smoke for the rest of her life, even though she was consistently told that she "might be in the early stages of emphysema." Yes, it was the fifties and sixties and smoking was a vice, but even someone in that era with those symptoms would know it was a bad idea.

In the 80s she lamented over the condition of her skin, but it was typical of her to point out flaws. She would often call herself ugly and wished that she had a bigger chest. It is of course these "flaws" that have made her so iconic, but it’s very possible she had some form of body dysmorphic disorder or at least a very low self-esteem.

Her weight plummeted to an all-time low during her first divorce from her controlling and jealous husband Mel Ferrer. A child of divorce and with a child of her own, Hepburn desperately wanted to make the marriage work, but Ferrer's likely infidelity and definite need for complete control over Hepburn’s professional and personal life sent her into a deep depression. The man had to be a total asshole for Hepburn to refer to her divorce as "two years in hell" considering that she spent most of her early teens dodging Nazis.

During the separation Mel stayed with Hepburn but only out of concern for her health; she was apparently, according to a friend, "down to 82 pounds and looks thin and wan; she has never looked so frail in her life, even when she was ill." Again, quite the statement, considering that Hepburn compared her youth to Anne Frank's.

Their divorce was described as "absolutely unexpected" not only to her fans and the media, but their friends as well. One of them, Dee Hartford Hawks, said that only two weeks before their separation she ran into them at a nightclub in France and that "Audrey and Mel were acting like honey-mooners. They danced every number together – even the Watusi." The Watusi!! Who could have predicted this?? A second miscarriage also put a strain on their already frail marriage.

In an article by Tom Daly from the 1960s, he reported that Audrey attempted suicide twice. Once she tried to slit her wrists and it was Mrs. Yul Brynner who got her to the hospital in time. An unnamed insider said that "I've heard about Audrey’s suicide attempts, too, and that shocks me, but in a way I’m not surprised. Whatever that woman does she does with her whole heart and soul. And when she married Mel, she invested everything she had emotionally. It’s no wonder that she feels lost now." And it’s no wonder that so many sources (aside from Bogart and Hawks) wanted to keep such scandalous thoughts to themselves because Audrey was revered and famous for her elegance and charm. In an article "The Two Hepburns" (not referring to Katharine and Audrey, but to Audrey’s light and dark sides), Eliot George tapes into this darker side of Hepburn: "The wispy, sable-browed, gamin-faced Audrey is either Elfin Charmer or Iron Butterfly, depending on where you stand."

Another person who had plenty of bad things to say about Hepburn was Brenda Marshall, William Holden’s wife at the time that Holden and Hepburn shot Sabrina. Hepburn and Holden carried on an affair. (It was ironic that later in life Audrey would try so hard to create the perfect family and do anything for her children, though she slept with Holden well-knowing that he was married with three kids.) Holden would invite Hepburn over to his home for dinner and he, Audrey, and Marshall, who eerily resembled Hepburn, would all eat together. "Audrey felt guilty all through the meal." No! This is Watusi shocking!!

Everyone assumed that Holden would leave Marshall for Hepburn but as soon as she found out that Holden had a vasectomy and could not provide her with children, she left. Holden was also a crazy drunk who died when he fell and hit his head on his coffee table and didn’t realize that it was serious so he didn’t go to the hospital and just kind of bled out to death in his living room. Charlie Sheen has nothing on William Holden.

Paris When It Sizzles, 1964

Holden and Hepburn would reunite about ten years later for the film Paris When It Sizzles, which one column described as "the worst movie ever made by anyone at any time." It was also around this time that Hepburn's marriage slowly and painfully began to unravel, and one can see the stress this put on her body. Even for Hepburn, she is unusually thin in his movie, and it may have been the only time in her life in which the eating disorder rumors were true. Holden tried to reignite their affair, but this time she was the married one and would not cave in.

People think of Hepburn as ever humble and ladylike but even she had her moments of divadom and snarkiness. While filming The Nun’s Story in Africa, Hepburn demanded that, "quarantine laws in the Belgian Congo would be waved for [her terrier] Famous […] and most important of all, that a bidet would be installed and waiting for her... It was probably the only bathroom fixture of its kind in Central Africa at that time." Slyly ironic considering she was playing a nun and nuns are all living without possessions. She did routinely visit a leper colony and refused to wear protective gloves "out of sympathy with the afflicted." She then likely went to her guest house and freshened up in her bidet-equipped bathroom.

While filming My Fair Lady she wouldn’t let Ferrer see her until her street urchin Eliza Doolittle look was completely washed away, though even though this look consisted of mere soot dotted on her face, Vaseline smeared in her hair, and dirty finger nails, and of course she still looked stunning. After retiring from film she married second husband Andrea Dotti and announced, "Now Mia Farrow can get my parts." Perhaps she meant it as a way of passing the baton over to another doe-eyed actress, but there is a certain edge to the comment, considering that after divorcing Mel, Hepburn "emerged with a hairdo even short than Mia's!"

Though people praise her for aging gracefully, perhaps the most shocking Hepburn quote ever was given during a 1980s interview with Harper’s Bazaar: “I think it’s [plastic surgery] a marvelous thing, done in small doses, very expertly, so that no one notices.” Not even Nicole Kidman will admit to her notoriously frozen face, but here was a beauty icon freely praising plastic surgery.

It is just another part of Hepburn’s life that most people breezily skip past. She is more than that waif figure forever posed in that little black dress on 5th Avenue. She came from a god-awful childhood, suffered from depression, got divorced twice and had an affair. There is nothing new or evil about any of these things, but it is interesting that these aspects of her life remained hidden. Monroe was just as sweet, just as loving, but her secrets spilled out and are still notorious. Why is Hepburn so sacred? Granted, the work she did with Unicef was immense and admirable, and nothing should detract from that. But why must she be a goddess? She was human, like any of us. She had flaws.

And Grace Kelly really was a slut. I stand by that.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is the creator of Apocalypstick. She last wrote in these pages about her life with rapper Kanye West.

"Martha" - Tim Buckley (mp3)

"Martha" - Tom Waits (mp3)

"We All Fall in Love Sometimes" - Jeff Buckley (mp3)

In Which She Meets Her Maker

Me And Mr. West

by ALMIE ROSE

She finds pictures in my email/I sent this girl a picture of my dick/I don’t know what it is with females/but I’m not too good at that shit.

Kanye West has become an ingenious parody of himself. He is bigger than Kanye West. And this thrills me. I’ve never seen someone embrace their own legend the way Kanye has. Keith Richards, in a drunken mishap, get hits in the head with a coconut, then denies it. He says he snorted his father’s ashes, then denies that too. But Kanye continually interrupts award shows (“If I don’t win, this award show loses” from the EMA’s in 2007) and then parodies it on SNL. I hate even mentioning the infamous Swiftgate because I am disappointed that he apologized for it as many times as he did. I understand why he apologized but he shouldn’t have. Because he’s Kanye. Kanye is known for his love of all things designer, and “LOLs” to tweets on twitter poking fun of his Louis Vuitton obsessions. Because he’s Kanye. Yet even though he seems like one of us, he is in his own world. He claims to not own a cell phone. How does someone so famous and so connected not have a cell phone? Because he’s Kanye.

Kanye Omari West came from a middle-class background in Atlanta, Georgia. At age three his parents divorced, and he moved with his mom to Chicago. His mom, Dr. Donda West, was the former chairwoman of Chicago State University’s English department. Kanye was closest with his mom who unexpectedly died in 2007 after complications from cosmetic surgery. Jay Leno shamefully used Kanye’s love for his mother as leverage against him when he asked Kanye on his show, “How would your mom feel about what you did [to Taylor Swift]?”

In an interview with Rolling Stone in ’06, His dad, Ray West, sociology professor and former Black Panther Activist, criticized his son’s lyrics: “Fine, you're trying to get some street acceptance. Now that you got that, get back to your roots. You know that's not where you came from. You know that's not how you were raised.” During high school, Kanye worked at The Gap. (Imagined interaction: “Yo, why don’t you like these khakis? I was in the back room for hours looking for your size in these khakis!”) He attended college but left after one year to pursue a career in the music industry. And that was it. Boom.

Though Kanye says that when it comes to women he’s “not too good at that shit” he seems to do all right. He was in a long term relationship (about a year) with MTV assistant Brooke Crittendon that must have ended in around ’06. Not long after he became engaged to Alexis Phifer, a designer, over a lobster dinner in Capri. A year and a half later they were over. Kanye’s next serious relationship (depending on how you define serious) was with Amber Rose (so close to Almie Rose, Kanye, so close) who may or may not be a real person.

I’m not saying anything bad about her, I’m just not sure what she does or who she is or if she exists or if she is just some wonderful art project Kanye created. She may or may not be CGI. She may or may not be a hologram similar to the ones the Scooby Doo gang chased after in haunted mansions before finding the bad guys behind a curtain with a projector. I don’t know.

If everyone were like Kanye all the time, shit would get difficult, but if we can release our inner Kanye when we really need it, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. When I need confidence I used to think, “What would Faye Dunaway do?” Now I think, “What would Kanye do?” because if I need an answer, I usually find it on his twitter. It’s like how when Christians feel lost they open and point to a random page in the Bible and see what word they hit and find an answer in that.

To those who find this comparison ludicrous or ridiculous, insert Kanye shrug here. Faye Dunaway should really have a twitter. I’m sure it would contain illuminating updates like, “I don’t think today’s young actresses are worth a damn” and “When I worked with Steve McQueen I felt alive” and “I can’t talk about Jack Nicholson right now.”

What I love about Kanye’s lyrics are his open love of himself but also his ability to surprise. Kanye has a habit of rapping about one thing and then two lines later he’s rapping about something completely different and you’re like, “Wait, what” or delivers references that are hilarious in their randomness. In “All of the Lights” (from “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy”) he raps “We met at Borders.” In “Run This Town” he laments the downsides of his own fame, then suddenly talks about a girl who “got a ass that’ll swallow up a g-string” and then apropos of nothing says, “Reebok, baby, you need to drop some new things/have you ever had shoes without shoe strings?” In “Gorgeous”, also from his new album, he references Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock and American Apparel tights.

I can relate more to Kanye’s songs than anything Gaga, Ke$ha or Taylor Swift puts out, and I’m part of their demographic. (Maybe not Swift’s. I’m still not sure who makes up Swift’s demographic.) Of course those references do not make up the depths or the meanings of his songs. I realize that some of his experiences and struggles I cannot and will never relate to. But some of his tracks are universal. Like “Heartless.”

Some other highlights of Kanye’s, in their original form:

“YOOOO WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GREAT!!!   I HAD THE TWO GREATEST DAYS OF MY LIFE AND WHEN I GET BACK FROM THE LOUIE SHOW I READ SOME SHIT CLAIMING I SAID I'M DOWN TO DO PORN AND SOME BISEXUAL PORN!!!!”

 "SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE'S IN THE BLEACHERS! ........................ "

 "This is the most offended I've ever been... this is the maddest I ever will be. I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!"

"I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle and next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle." Tell me you can’t hear this in Larry David’s voice.

(on his favorite Grammy performance): “I liked when Train did ‘Drops of Jupiter.’ That was the first time I’d heard that song and I was like, ‘Oh shit, this is great!’ The performance was that good.”

If you hate Kanye West, then there’s nothing I can say that’s going to make you change your mind. He’s just one of those celebrities that you either hate or love. But I will suggest that you listen to his music. It’s possible to love the music without joining the church of Kanye.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She blogs here and twitters here.

Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it/I guess every superhero need his theme music. 

Kanye West: A-

 

In Which Pete May or May Not Get Another Chip 'N' Dip

Love The Way You Lie Glen

by ALMIE ROSE
 
Season 4 of Mad Men just started. Let the predictions begin.
 
Don will say, "What do you want me to say?" at least twice before the season's end.
 
Duck Phillips will host a swinging beach party and Annette Funicello will show up and get drunk, but this will be referred to and not shown, because Mad Men is all about the great 60s references that make old people feel young again. And young people feel old in a fresh, hip, Urban Outfitters furniture-kind-of-way.
 
Don will say, "What do you want me to think?" at least twice before the season's end.

Betty will purse her lips and say something shrewd.

Henry Francis will be followed by a horde of villagers chanting "IMHOTEP!"
 
Glen will hide in the Drapers home's basement. He will emerge only at night, to play beautiful music on the family piano. Sally Draper will be enchanted. Then in a bizarre s'mores mishap, Glen will accidentally burn the house down. Sally will get blamed.

Don will crash his car again and chuckle about it later.
 
Harry will continue to lose weight and look like Buddy Holly by the season's end.
 
Something will happen and Peggy will not be amused by it. No, sir.

Hey remember when Pete raped someone?
 
Roger will ask Joan if she'll pee on him. Joan will ponder it in a voice over using puns like, "Urine Hot Water Now" and "If MGMT thinks it's time to pretend, is it time for me to pee-tend? Or should I control myself?"
 
Several episodes will end with a sobering image of something serious while a happy 60s tune plays in juxtaposition.
 
Colin Hanks will stay on Fox.
 
Black people will continue to be mysteriously absent.

Someone will say, "We can't lose this account!" They will then lose the account.
 
We'll be treated to another Don Draper/Dick Whitman/Grapes of Wrath flashback that will tell us everything we already know; that Don had a difficult childhood, that hobos are just honest folk trying to get by, and that this show is more than stylish outfits. The next scene will feature Betty in a stylish outfit, because we've had enough doom and gloom, and the Great Depression is just yucky.
 
Sally Draper will stab someone with a pair of scissors.
 
The Draper dog will run away and/or commit suicide.

Don will want Betty even more now that she's not his wife.
 
That guy that you've seen several times before, oh God he was in that movie with that guy, and I think he was in that TV show too, and wasn't he in that indie with Mark Ruffalo? will make a cameo.
 
Someone will say earnestly, "The times are changing, Don." It will probably be Roger. He will probably be smoking and/or drinking when he says it.

Sal will show up and make a great pop culture reference and everyone will laugh except for Pete.
 
Seriously, Pete raped that au pair. Remember?

Don will arrive at a party where some girl with long straight hair is singing a song in French. He will make a face.
 
Pete will accidentally shoot himself in the foot in the middle of a meeting. Literally. Don will tell him that his actions almost cost them the big account. Pete will cry, not for his foot, but for disappointing Don.

Betty will make a simple, yet loaded statement like, "It's all so beautiful" and we will all suddenly understand what her character is really about.
 
Nothing will happen and yet everything will change.

Paul Kinsey will be arrested for public nudity. Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Pryce will hear about it and laugh. Don will remark, "When you want ham...don't settle for turkey." Everyone will laugh but not really understand his joke. There will be an awkward silence. Pete will try to break it by saying, "I guess he should have ordered a side of hash browns." No one will understand that either. The silence will become even more awkward. Roger will say, "This is more awkward than the time I vomited everywhere." Everyone will understand that and will laugh and feel relieved. This is the precise moment when Don plots to murder Roger.
 
Someone will cry at their desk and it won’t be who we think it is! Unless it is.

Everyone will die. It will be okay though because they will all meet up in heaven and "move on" together. It will not make sense. It will come out of nowhere. Nothing will be explained.

Don and Roger will take on Playboy as an account. It will be a smashing success. They will be invited to a party at Huge Hefner's. Don will hit on a Bunny. She'll surprise him and say, "I'm sorry Mr. Draper, but I'm not that kind of girl." Don will realize that appearances are not always what they seem. He will apoologize take her to a real steak dinner and not even try to feel her up. She'll say, "Maybe there's hope for you yet, Mr. Draper" with a smile. He'll say, "Maybe there is" and cock his head and grin. Meanwhile Roger will learn the true meaning of Christmas.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She twitters here and blogs here. She last wrote in these pages about the Backstreet Boys.

"Juveniles" - The Walkmen (mp3)

"All My Great Designs" - The Walkmen (mp3)

"While I Shovel the Snow" - The Walkmen (mp3)