In Which We're Really Glad You Have A Boyfriend

Hey Girl

by ALMIE ROSE

We need to talk about your boyfriend.

So you have a boyfriend. That's great! You have someone's lap to sit on at picnics. You have someone to take to your friend's party. You don't need to scout out guys at said party. Because you'll be holding your boyfriend's arm, tracing his veins with your fingertip, something all couples wind up doing without realizing it. You have someone to force into that couples costume for Halloween. You have someone all of your friends can look at and think, "Goddamn I'm jealous." And that's great!

But girl unless your boyfriend is Captain Kirk, he ain't going anywhere. You don't need to spend every waking moment together. Or every sleeping moment either. And all of those cosmic moments in between. He's always going to be there for you, and if he's not, then he's not a very good boyfriend and you should *NSYNC his ass (and I don't know what this even means — am I referring to their hit "Bye Bye Bye" or their break-up or what? I don't know guys, that's the beauty of life!).

I understand that in the beginning you're going to be Lady Gaga for each other and that's really great. It's an exciting time.

But girl.

Girl.

Unless your boyfriend is Warren Beatty, from the above photo, from that exact era, I need to tell you something: He's Not That Great.

Is this pure jealousy speaking? In some occasions, yes (see "Unless your boyfriend is Warren Beatty..." above). But most of the time, your boyfriend is going to be just like everybody else's boyfriend. He'll be there for you, yes, but will he be there for us? No, and that's not his job. Your job, however, is to be there for us. Because you're our friend. Not a Phoebe friend, because that woman was a goddamn bitch on the show Friends who acted like she was from goddamn outerspace, and was mean to Ross for no goddamn reason — I'm talking about real friendships, the kind that cannot fit into a Thursday night time slot. Why are my references so 90s? But that's not important right now.

All I'm saying is that he wasn't there for you the way we were. Listen to me, Mrs. Potts, it's great that you found another enchanted piece of furniture to sing with or whatever, but we're wandering the castle and our options are the Gastons and Beasts of the world, before the Beast became totally rad and acceptable, and we have no dancing candlesticks to tide us over.

But girl. Girl.

It's time to come back. It's time to return my calls. It's time to return my e-mails. It's time to realize that your friend is coming dangerously close to becoming a stalker. It's time to return my DVDs, it's been like, two years.

What is important is that you stop and realize that girl, we've known you long before this dude did, unless you have some kind of Dawson/Joey situation. We were there for you when you got your period on your pants in 8th grade and we loaned you our sweatshirt for you to tie around your waist. We were there for you when you first got drunk on cheap rum and we talked to you as you were barfing in the bathroom. We were there for you when you were in college and wondered, "What the hell am I going to do when I graduate"?

And where was he?

Just remember. It's fine to be excited about your boyfriend, and we're happy for you, but we need you too.

It's been a few months now. You've been under the shroud of coupledom for a little too long. You've disappeared. We're starting to worry. We're hearing Robert Stack in our head. He's saying, "Everything was fine...until it wasn't." He's staring into our soul and he's adding, "That was the last time anyone had heard from her."

Look. I was in a serious relationship once. It was really great, I heard Sixpence None The Richer wherever I went, I always had a date to parties, life was one big pizza party. I will fully own up to the fact that I disappeared for a couple of weeks. I think a two-week grace period is allowed. During two weeks we can all shake our heads like 1950s sitcom dads and say, "Oh that Mrs. Potts and her boyfriend!" But after two weeks we start to turn more into Don Draper; pissed off, impatient, and trying to find another pretty girl to take your place. Then we feel guilty for thinking this way, wondering if perhaps its our own jealousy that is making us so callous. Then we realize that, no, it takes like two seconds to send a text of, 'Hey sorry I've been MIA let's meet next week!' and we're annoyed again.

And girl. Girl.

Your boyfriend ain't James Dean. Nor is he James Franco pretending to be James Dean, which would be the next best thing. But James Dean is dead and James Franco isn't James Dean and your boyfriend isn't either of those and if this shocks or upsets you, then I'm sorry.

SO TEXT ME GODDAMNIT.

Almie Rose is a contributor to This Recording. She is the creator of Apocalypstick, and she last wrote in these pages about (500) Days of Summer.

"The Sea Horse" — Yo La Tengo (mp3)

"From A Motel 6" — Yo La Tengo (mp3)

"The Love Life of The Octopus" — Yo La Tengo (mp3)

In Which We Find There Are Two Types of Guys

Good At Something

by ALMIE ROSE

I have two types of guys. The first guy is very easy to describe; he's a tall, skinny, rocker type (but a rocker more in the vein of Pulp than Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers).

The other type has been harder for me to describe. He's a nerdier type of man — but not the kind who is into World of Warcraft or any of that weird digital hocus pocus shit. I ain't into that. He's also not so nerdy that his social life consists of him watching films about other nerdy guys all weekend. He's the kind of guy who's cute, dresses well but not so well that you'd mistake him for a GQ model (or stylist), and is creative and good at...something.

In short, as I discovered today, he is Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character in (500) Days of Summer.

I have never been aboard the JG-L train. I see the appeal, I'm just not going to buy a ticket. Maybe this is because I'm bummed that I missed out on my chance to ask him to prom (and this story isn't as juicy as it sounds, trust me. He was best friends with a relative of mine whose mom suggested that I ask him, but he was in Harvard or whever really smart good looking actors spend their time when they're not working.

Also how was he to know I would turn into a total babe? I mean, this is what my mom tells me.)

But like the sudden 90s revival, it's all starting to come together. Spoiler alert for (500) Days of Summer: JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT'S CHARACTER IS ADORABLE!!!! THERE IS NOT ONE PART IN THE FILM IN WHICH HE IS NOT ADORABLE!!! IF THERE WAS A SCENE OF HIM TAKING A DUMP IT WOULD BE THE MOST TOUCHING DUMP SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA!!! THERE IS NO SCENE LIKE THAT AT ALL, I DON'T KNOW WHY MY MIND WENT THERE, I'M REALLY SORRY EVERYBODY!!! LET'S JUST ALL WALK QUIETLY BACK TO OUR CARS, DRIVE HOME, AND PRETEND THAT THIS NEVER HAPPENED! WHY SHOULD THE POLICE COME? NOBODY'S CALLED THEM.

The thing is, ladies, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character exists in the real world; he just doesn't look like Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

In fact I have a guy friend who basically is Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character. But he's like 8 feet tall, kind of chubby, and doesn't wear argyle sweaters. So he's basically screwed. Because all around him his female friends are bemoaning the lack of men as sweet and understanding as Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character when he wants to shout, "BITCHES I'M RIGHT HERE" but he never would, exactly BECAUSE he is as sweet and understated as Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character.

So what the fuck is he supposed to do? What is any of us supposed to do? What is Joseph Gordon-Levitt supposed to do? Now he's got straight-up Lloyd Dobler syndrome where every woman he meets is going to think that he's his character. But wait, fuck him, it's 20-something adorably nerdy men types who should be pissed because now we, 20-something future Annie Halls, are going to superimpose his character on every adorably nerdy man we meet, and be totally bummed out when we realize that he's not him, even though we know he won't be, because it's all fiction anyway.

In short, we need to never EVER see movies again. WE NEED TO BURN THE MOVIES BEFORE THEY BURN US.

That or just stick to skinny rockers.

Almie Rose is a contributor to This Recording. She blogs here.

"Under No Enchantment (But My Own)" — Alasdair Roberts (mp3)

"Hazel Forks" — Alasdair Roberts (mp3)

"The Book of Doves" — Alasdair Roberts (mp3)