In Which These Are All The Hot Places In L.A.

72 Suburbs In Search of A City

by ALMIE ROSE

Curious about some of the hot L.A. places you've heard about from the point of view of someone who's not famous? You're not? OK then skip this.

EDISON: This place is popular for its "steam punk" theme. What in the fresh hell is steam punk, really? An old warehouse covered in Tim Burton posters? I don't know. But I do know that they don't fuck around with their martinis, there's burlesque shows about every 20 minutes, sometimes right on the bar, and there are women in fairy wings who pull carts of absinthe around. It's like Disneyland through Helena Bonham Carter's eyes.

MANDRAKE: Every time I come here I find myself lying. For example I was trying to impress a guy at the bar, one of those kids you meet a thousand times but you're never quite sure if they remember you, so I told him that I was celebrating because I got a callback for Mad Men when really all I did was register at central casting to be an extra for the show. I made up an elaborate plotline about how I was reading for the part of a new secretary who finds something out about Roger that Joan doesn't want her to know. He seemed really happy for me which made me feel bad. One of the Phantom Planet dudes hangs out here, the one that isn't Jason Schwartzman, so that's almost cool.

LES DEUX: I've never been but I hear Les Deux is Latin for an old wooden ship.

BARDOT: Honestly most of the guys who go here are a hair above ugly but the women are stunning. Sometimes bands show up to do secret sets. I went there on a night that Chairlift did a surprise performance. After their set I saw a cute guy who looked sort of familiar, so I went up to him, introducing myself with, "You look kind of familiar." I name dropped a bit to see if we had anyone in common and he told me, "You look familiar too." Then this guy that I know came over and we started talking and the cute guy left. Then I realized that he looked familiar because HE WAS IN THE BAND THAT JUST PLAYED. Duh/d'oh.

CINESPACE: This place is famous for being home to The Cobrasnake guy and his buddies. On Tuesday nights they have parties where a lot of, yes, hipsters gather in hopes of being shot...with a camera. Yes, Cinespace is a fresh slice of 2005. It's cramped and gross and once Steve Aoki came up to me and wordlessly pet my hair. This place is just weird. 

TEDDY'S: Located in the Roosevelt Hotel and frequented by B-list celebs, I'm pretty sure that Teddy's is Spanish for "A Whale's Vagina." If you feel like dealing with this mob scene it's usually worth it for the DJ who spins Beatles. 90% of the time I come here I have a good time.

Have fun but remember: leggings are not pants unless you're really, really thin. If this shocks or upsets you then I'm sorry.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She blogs here, and twitters here.

"Bottom Your Way To The Top" — Logan Lynn (mp3)

"Write It On My Left Arm" — Logan Lynn (mp3)

"Prey On The Power" — Logan Lynn (mp3)

In Which We Give Over To Our Secret Life

The Secret to The Secret

by ALMIE ROSE

I guess by now The Secret is about as old as John McCain, but for those of you living in a cave with your fingers in your ears, The Secret is Oprah's favorite life affirmation consisting of 3 steps: ask, believe, receive. Basically if you ask for something and believe that you have it, you soon will. The Secret is further explained, but like not really, in a DVD and a book with "I swear to God this works" testimonies from "philosophers" and that dude who came up with Chicken Soup for the Soul (true story: my mom wrote a story about me, titled with my name, and it was published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: A 3rd Helping.)

A friend of mine claims that The Secret actually does work, but only if applied with tequila. As this sounds like any good excuse to get drunk alone on a Friday night, I decided to find the truth all in the name of science and faith, documenting my journey along the way.

8 PM: The only tequila I have is a leftover birthday gift from a few years ago and it's strawberry crème flavored. It tastes like evil strawberry Quik. I take my first shot. "Like attracts like", writes Rhonda Byrne, likely one of the many writers for The Secret book. "Thoughts become things." Visualization is key to The Secret so I visualize sitting on Jon Hamm's face.

8:15 PM: I wonder how long it will take my thoughts to come into fruition. The book makes it clear that it will not be instantaneous and no, it cannot give you a time frame. Assholes.

8:30 PM: A big deal in The Secret is to make a "visualization board" in which you cut out pictures or words of all of the things you want in life and glue it to a poster board and everything on there supposedly comes true. I don't have poster board so I use my bathroom door. I cut out pictures of actress' bodies that I wish I had and tape it to the board. I worry that this isn't specific enough; I don't want to become friends with Olivia Wilde, I just want her figure. I draw an arrow to her abs but this seems too confusing for the universe to understand. So I write, "a great body." Then I worry that this still is too vague; what if The Secret is like that Twilight Zone episode where that guy asks for things and gets them too literally? What if I wind up with "a great body" on my doorstep tomorrow? How can I make it clear that I don't want a dead body?

9:15 PM: I decided to forego the whole wishing for a better body thing, deciding instead to just keep exercising and eating less fast food. This seems easier.

Now I have to worry about what kind of boyfriend I want. If I put up a photo of Jacques Dutronc will that mean that I will wind up with the current old Jacques Dutronc? Or with a guy who only speaks French? Should I just go on match.com? Or move to France?

9:16 PM: Yeah it's time for my second shot.

10:00 PM: I finish my visualization door. There are way too many magazine cutouts of Jon Hamm's head. It looks like I've walked into a serial killer's apartment.

10:20 PM: The Secret advises that you write down everything you want as if you already have it. Example: "I am so happy now that I (have this/am this/am doing this/etc)." I try this. I quickly run out of things that I want. Number 14 on the list? "I am so happy now that I have hot pockets."

10:30 PM: I check my freezer. I have no hot pockets. Damn.

11:45 PM: I totally forgot what I was supposed to have been doing and somehow wound up on YouTube for over an hour watching deleted scenes from Titanic. I regroup and refocus but not after watching propeller guy hit the giant propeller a few more times.

Midnight: I realize that "Titanic" is about 12 years old and I panic.

12:30 AM: All of this late 90s talk makes me realize that I don't have Beck's Odelay album. I have some key tracks so I scour hypem.com trying to fill in the rest. I can't. This pisses me off, but not enough to buy Odelay on iTunes. I visualize Odelay. I think about adding it to my visualization door but am too lazy. So I just repeat "Odelay" over and over in my brain, sending the message out to the universe that I would like this album. I continue to search the internet.

1:01 AM: That’s getting boring so I decide to watch Californication. But all it does is make me think about The X-Files which makes me think about the late 90s which makes me panic all over again that I am old.

1:05 AM: I watch propeller guy again on YouTube. I just love the way he hits that propeller!

1:07 AM: Yeah I'm going to bed. I put The Secret DVD on my computer and let it lull me to sleep, hoping that somehow the words will just seep into my unconsciousness and do all of the work for me.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is the creator of Apocalypstick.

kate moss impression"Where It's At" — Beck (mp3)

"Minus" — Beck (mp3)

"Readymade" — Beck (mp3)

"Sissyneck" — Beck (mp3)

 

In Which We're Just Mad Enough To Climb These Peaks

Previously On Mad Peaks

by ALMIE ROSE

Don arrives with Pete and Roger in Twin Peaks for his business trip. Sterling-Cooper has a new account: The Double R Diner. While stopping in the diner, Don overhears Agent Dale Cooper praise the "damn fine coffee" and comes up with their slogan: The Double R: A Damn Fine Cup Of Coffee. Pete cries.

Meanwhile Betty reconnects with her old friend Norma Jennings. Norma however has no idea that Don is Betty's husband when she begins an affair with him. Don drives into a lake. Roger, realizing that the company is in trouble, calls upon Peggy to come over and help. Don disappears. Roger hires Agent Cooper to search for him. Audrey Horne takes quite a liking to Roger and seduces him after school. Pete cries.

Don is still missing. Agent Cooper has a dream that Don is in an office, talking backwards, while a midget does the twist in the corner. Joan Holloway saunters into the dream, which is odd considering that at this point Agent Cooper and Joan have not met. Joan whispers into Cooper's ear that Don likes bubble gum; Don's head then falls off and turns into a pile of erasers. Cooper wakes up, certain that he knows where Don is. Pete cries.

Leland sets up a fund-raising dance to find the killer of his dead daughter, as he can no longer afford to hire Agent Dale Cooper privately, as Roger has monopolized his time. Pete asks Peggy to the dance. She accepts, then refuses, then accepts, then gives a long speech about why she has to refuse. Pete cries. Then she accepts. While at the dance, Leland mistakes Peggy for his dead daughter and cries. Then Pete cries. Leland throws himself out of a window. Audrey and Roger get married. Cooper can't remember where he thought Don was. He asks the Log Lady for help. She tells him to ask Duck Phillips. Pete thinks about crying and instead returns a chip and dipper.

Duck, meanwhile, single-handedly brings down the entire office. Joan punches him in the face. Somewhere Pete is crying.

Back in Twin Peaks Agent Dale Cooper finds Don in a cabin. He is having sex with both Shelly Johnson and Donna Hayward. Agent Cooper is confused. Don tells him that he is not Don Draper, but someone named Bob. Agent Cooper is still confused. Leland appears out of nowhere and slaps Agent Cooper. A slap fight ensues. Don escapes. Cooper is rendered unconscious. Pete cries.

When Agent Cooper wakes up he is in New York. Roger tells him that he is going to the new Cooper in Sterling-Cooper, because he knows too much, and offers him six cherry pies. Cooper accepts. Audrey becomes Roger's new secretary. Don is still missing, but no one really cares anymore. Peggy takes Agent Cooper's old job in Twin Peaks, despite her lack of FBI training. She convinces the department that they are prejudiced against her because she is a woman. This somehow works. Cooper proposes to Betty; she accepts. Duck Philips, in a drunken rage, kicks Pete in the crotch. Pete cries.

The season ends with Colin Hanks playing guitar in a red room.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She writes here.

"Keep Slipping Away" — A Place to Bury Strangers (mp3)

"Ego Death" — A Place to Bury Strangers (mp3)

"Smile When You Smile" — A Place To Bury Strangers (mp3)