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is dedicated to the enjoyment of audio and visual stimuli. Please visit our archives where we have uncovered the true importance of nearly everything. Should you want to reach us, e-mail alex dot carnevale at gmail dot com, but don't tell the spam robots. Consider contacting us if you wish to use This Recording in your classroom or club setting. We have given several talks at local Rotarys that we feel went really well.

Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Entries in the secret (3)

Tuesday
May032016

In Which Colin Howell Wished Only To Be Caught

No Service in the Club

by ELEANOR MORROW

The Secret
creators Stuart Urban and Jonathan Curling

The secret in The Secret is as follows: a God-fearing Christian man named Colin Howell grows tired of his wife and takes up with another man's beloved, a woman named Hazel Elkin. At a public pool in Northern Ireland he strokes her legs and thighs underwater. She has been desired, but not recently, and not in so open a fashion. Many women do not wish for worship, but those who do find it relatively intoxicating.

But this is not a secret for long. They are too open about their adultery — isn't it awful how people who commit indecent acts on some level wish to be caught? The shame is twice as uneasy as the act itself. This is not something religion instills in us, we bring it with us to our faith, or lack thereof.

In any case, they are spotted and Colin's priest comes to him with an accusation. (This is all a true story, or at least as much of it as we can stand.) Colin denies the allegation, but altogether not fervently enough. When Hazel is approached by the priest, she confesses immediately.

So at some point Colin gets in his head that if his ungrateful wife Leslie and his girlfriend's meek husband Trevor are still standing in the way of their love, instead of fading away as seems appropriate, it might be time to murder them. The real Colin Howell, it emerged recently, watches The Secret from his prison cell in Co Antrim. He can probably be proud of the performance James Nesbitt gives in his stead.

At first it seems like The Secret is just having a laugh at the expense of persnickety zealots. This is untrue, and potentially damaging to Colin's current reputation in prison. You see, Colin did hide his murder of his wife and his girlfriend's husband, but he never lost sight of what God wanted for him. (Police amazingly believed it was a double suicide.) And which is more important, really?

The first indication Leslie had that something was wrong was the money she found in the pockets of her husband's athletic gear. He used it on a payphone to call Hazel during his runs. In order to prevent their late night phone conversations from being recorded on the telephone bill, each lecherous conversation between Colin and Hazel was kept to a period of nine minutes, the perfect length for anything.

After Colin was caught out the first time, he insisted that he had never consummated the relationship. The spouses and their church believed them — what else could they do? Leslie Howell considered suicide and took a trifling overdose without success. She spent money on new clothes, dieting to become more appealing to her husband. After her father died, the inheritance was enough to pursue a new life. After she died, her killer took that money, some quarter of a million pounds.

The night of the murders, Hazel mixed a strong sedative into her husband's food. Colin blocked his children's doors with a hockey stick so they wouldn't walk in on things. He planned to gas Leslie quietly as their children slept, but she woke in her last moments, and he had to smother her with a quilt to finish off the murder, as she cried out for her son. For this murder, he will serve nothing close to life in prison: just twenty-one easy years.

Instead of turning Colin into an uncaring sociopath — he isn't a mass murderer after all — Nesbitt plays him as a twitchy cautionary tale. His singing and guitar playing in church is solid if unspectacular. As a father he is kind to children who had to live without their mother, and even had six more kids with his second wife Kyle. As a doctor he committed more crimes, touching female patients when it suited him. This is a person who maybe only has a few things wrong with him, but they are the worst possible things.

Maybe the wildest part of Colin Howell's story is that he was free and clear of murder charges but that he felt guilty enough to confess decades later. The Secret itself, despite being a retelling of a well-known true crime story, is still sensitive enough a subject to inspire secrecy.

"We have been left trembling in the wake of it," said one of Howell's daughters about the television production. "The insensitivity of this intrusion is in direct proportion to the trauma that it causes." The fact of a failed marriage is the real secret, the disastrous life that led to the killings. These Christians believed as a corollary to their faith that unhappiness must be concealed, hidden. This misery should have been abandoned by any of the participants, but since they knew no other reality, they kept on living their nightmares.

Eleanor Morrow is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Manhattan.

"Dear Brother" - Nadia Nair (mp3)


Monday
Jul082013

In Which There Is No Admission Of Ambivalence

Flag/This is not my revolution by Malin Bernalt

Black Bile and Phlegm

by DÉSIRÉE WARIARO

People have been walking out of Kenya since forever. The desire to thrive informed both the first hominids and my Dad’s decision to leave his homeland. I don’t know how many Swedes you’ve met, but chances are they aren’t all of the blonde and blue-eyed variety. I’m a Swede, although my blue-black curls and nougat brown skin are not indicative of it. I don’t know the doting, wide-eyed Sweden my Dad can recall. I’m from a place that is unnerved by immigration; where the harsh climate runs tandem to the closed Nordic heart. I haven’t always felt this maliciously towards where I’m from, but that was before I learnt of The Secret – a rewriting of history so mind-boggling it eclipses any sci-fi plot. When I learnt what I now know, my identity was thrown out the window; I’d believed in the myth.

You’re about to read something important so don’t stop even if you are accustomed to turning up fool’s gold in the daily sifting through the information highway. Let's quench your appetite with something tasty right away:

Sweden invented racism.

Yes. I swear on my cryogenically frozen remains, this is the truth withheld about the famously egalitarian beacon of the Northern hemisphere.

In 1735, the Swedish natural scientist Carl Linnaeus published Systema Naturae in which he accounted for a hierarchical classification system that ranked humans based on appearance. Conflating the then popular proto-medical theory of the four humours (black bile, yellow bile, blood and phlegm) with our varied melanin counts, Linnaeus ranked the human species from best to worst:

1) White – phlegm; strong and optimistic
2) Native American – blood; Linnaeus liked huntsmen
3) Asian – yellow bile; depressive and rigid
4) African – black bile; dull and lazy
5) Young women*

Don’t you just love a weird-white-guy list? Imagine Linnaeus — the lauded scientist du jour– pontificating on his chamber pot, connecting the dots between the contents in his hanky and that curious description of the people his assistant had encountered on his trip to the New Country. We recognise Linnaeus’ taxonomy in its contemporary iterations: misogyny,transphobia, classism, homophobia, ableism and white supremacy, so I will use this sentence to posthumously crown Linnaeus His Royal Highness the King of All Bigoted Assholes - in the name of Morrison’s sixty-million or more, my Father, and the billions upon billions of people that have ever suffered on account of a list.

With such an undignified past behind it one would think Sweden would stay clear of further indictment.

Nope!

In 2013, just as the dregs of winter were beginning to disappear, Stockholm came under siege of a militarist effort to hunt down all people the state deemed personae non gratae. New epithets for racial profiling were concocted; politicians used criminal language that planted grenades in people whose minds, despite being accustomed to war, tiredly surrendered. I began to see Stockholm for what it was – the eye of a corpse, a brain-dead sensibility that thought little of picking at the frayed edges of perniciously open wounds.

+

Coming to terms with white supremacy was a horror story in itself, particularly when fascists clambered their way to seats in the government in 2010. I remember rushing to the bathroom to see myself on the day the gap closed between what I saw on the news and what I’d only read about in books. The hydraulics of my face was disconcerting – my mouth trembled ominously as a fat mono-tear clung to the end of my chin, while a deep crevice had appeared on my forehead between my straining eyebrows. The gold band around my neck felt hot and tight, I wondered if it was strong enough to asphyxiate me. As satanically immortal as ever, the fascist hydra had arisen. Answering to the howls of the jobless in a flummoxed land, it came to live with us once more. Of course, it had never truly left, as it was born here long ago in that eponymous list.

My loss of innocence left me reeling. It wasn’t like I’d been living in an ivory tower full of fluffy bunnies and harmonious racial hybridity, but I had wilfully ignored exploring the implications of my black identity in favour of the lofty -isms of my white friends (“Meat-free Mondays!”). School hadn’t been of much help; we heard nothing of the litany of racism that snakes through Swedish history. Our dubious neutrality in the second World War seemed to me like an admission of ambivalence, a getting-the-cake-and-eating-it-too strategy that reaps all the rewards without any effort.

+

Africans born in colonial times are oracular**, they see water where there’s rock, homes in areas earmarked as ghettos, and music in sounds others deem guttural. They cast spells over recession-fuelled horror stories turning the scary headlines into fairy-tales. When I complained to my Dad about another failed job interview, he took it as a sign that things could only get better. A tremendous capacity for change coupled with the sort of perseverance that ensured he’d never give up on his dreams is as much a part of my Dad as his tribal ancestry.

What adjectives will define me the most? Will I meet my detractors head on, challenging them to a fight until death, or will I hide out in the bushes, succumbing to the violent assaults and belittling shame of my mind? Hatred may pour out of an old biology textbook, or slip haphazardly out of our mouths, but we get to decide how it gets under our skin.

by NoirSurBlanc

+

All eyes were on Dad and I as we walked toward our table. An older couple glared at us throughout the meal as if superimposed arrows hung suspended over our bodies. Dad regarded me hesitantly.

“Does your skin colour make you sad?”

I considered my options – to tell the quixotic truth and risk lapsing into an impromptu anxiety attack or deflect my answer.

“Can we talk about this later?” I said.

“Of course.”

The other guests did not seem hostile anymore. My Dad’s question, replete with concern and love, made all the micro aggressive eyeballing in the world recede to the back of my mind.

A scorching mantra I’d adapted from a James Baldwin clip quickened my walk home after dinner:

“You’re the nigger baby, it isn’t me, I’m not the problem.”

I thought of that shrivelled pink couple going inside their red-carpeted Gustavian bastion chitchatting about how interesting it was to see high-class niggers eat. I lay awake feeling helpless yet strangely satiated in my projection of their quotidian heartlessness. Tonight the city was resplendent in its hell-feathered gown.

+

On a bus in Stockholm I am the unrecognizable apparition in an urban landscape full of Nordic clichés. Heads turn when a honey-white girl with ash blonde hair steps on the bus. I inspect her jutting elbows and colt-like legs ensconced in the same black, over-sized utilitarian dress I’m in. People are dull and predictable. Nobody as much as flinches when I excuse myself to get off the buss, the sole discernible sound is the hush of silence, like I’m some sort of inconvenience. Wading through the melee I feel like a bull trapped in a maggot’s body, I know the blonde isn’t prettier, smarter or more hard working than I, yet I feel like her every breath is sucking up more of my serotonin.

It pains me to admit that I’ve internalised the Linnaean list, just like my paternal grandmother who died refusing to believe my Dad had tested higher in college than his white classmates. I wanted to erect a make-shift pulpit for myself on the bus, telling the other commuters how my DNA spanned the cradle of mankind to the gothic marshes of Northernmost Scandinavia, giving me the sense to dig deep into their souls – into the psychopathic heart of Swedishness. We are parts of each other, I’d proclaim, intertwining faiths, politics and cultures. Maybe we’ll always be like feuding conjoined twins, but we are stuck together.****

The entropic anxiety within anyone who has ever felt Othered is surely the worst evil there is, capable of causing enough anguish to whittle one’s will down to scraps, until the powers that be give you a declarative slap that’s so hard you take a razor to your arteries, or set fire to your old pre-school. Sweden, as we know it, is dying. We had the world fooled until our gleaming mask of fiscal superiority was punctured and everyone saw what we couldn’t contain anymore: our deepest secret flashing across TV screens in the shape of a car’s smoking carcass. Even if our politicians could handle the Scylla of historical inequality and the Charybdis of contemporary discontent the damage is irrevocable; the limp body politic, infused with arcane Linnaean beliefs, must be buried.

Early one morning I will tiptoe out of my decrepit one-room rental to join the others. As we wait for it to begin, we will compare notes, high-fiving each other in anticipation. As sunrise bursts over Stockholm the first screams of agony will begin, dogs will start barking in unison and bakers will step outside, waving their phones up to the indifferent sky. The revolution will have begun.

Notes

*Surprise, surprise, as always the black woman is the mule of the world. Amusingly, Linneaus said of his life’s work that “God Created — Linnaus arranged”, his penchant for cataloging acts as a double of a strain in the Swedish sensibility that loves nothing more than to keep, and put, things in order. There is no information on Linnaeus racial taxonomy on his alma mater Uppsala University’s official website (unless it is tucked away in some some nook I haven’t seen): http://www.linnaeus.uu.se/online/animal/1_2.html

** Not a reference to the magical negro just a blink and you miss it hat tip but a description of the kind of wisdom contained in a person who has lived to tell the tale of being consistently Othered for well over half a century.

*** James Baldwin waxing poetic: 

**** I am since self-diagnosed with Acute Onset Earth Mother Complex from which I am slowly recovering.

Désirée Wariaro is a contributor to This Recording. This is her first appearance in these pages. She is a writer living in Stockholm. You can find her twitter here.

"Hydra" - Fatimi Al Qadiri (mp3)

"Vatican Vibes" - Fatimi Al Qadiri (mp3)


Tuesday
Aug252009

In Which We Give Over To Our Secret Life

The Secret to The Secret

by ALMIE ROSE

I guess by now The Secret is about as old as John McCain, but for those of you living in a cave with your fingers in your ears, The Secret is Oprah's favorite life affirmation consisting of 3 steps: ask, believe, receive. Basically if you ask for something and believe that you have it, you soon will. The Secret is further explained, but like not really, in a DVD and a book with "I swear to God this works" testimonies from "philosophers" and that dude who came up with Chicken Soup for the Soul (true story: my mom wrote a story about me, titled with my name, and it was published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: A 3rd Helping.)

A friend of mine claims that The Secret actually does work, but only if applied with tequila. As this sounds like any good excuse to get drunk alone on a Friday night, I decided to find the truth all in the name of science and faith, documenting my journey along the way.

8 PM: The only tequila I have is a leftover birthday gift from a few years ago and it's strawberry crème flavored. It tastes like evil strawberry Quik. I take my first shot. "Like attracts like", writes Rhonda Byrne, likely one of the many writers for The Secret book. "Thoughts become things." Visualization is key to The Secret so I visualize sitting on Jon Hamm's face.

8:15 PM: I wonder how long it will take my thoughts to come into fruition. The book makes it clear that it will not be instantaneous and no, it cannot give you a time frame. Assholes.

8:30 PM: A big deal in The Secret is to make a "visualization board" in which you cut out pictures or words of all of the things you want in life and glue it to a poster board and everything on there supposedly comes true. I don't have poster board so I use my bathroom door. I cut out pictures of actress' bodies that I wish I had and tape it to the board. I worry that this isn't specific enough; I don't want to become friends with Olivia Wilde, I just want her figure. I draw an arrow to her abs but this seems too confusing for the universe to understand. So I write, "a great body." Then I worry that this still is too vague; what if The Secret is like that Twilight Zone episode where that guy asks for things and gets them too literally? What if I wind up with "a great body" on my doorstep tomorrow? How can I make it clear that I don't want a dead body?

9:15 PM: I decided to forego the whole wishing for a better body thing, deciding instead to just keep exercising and eating less fast food. This seems easier.

Now I have to worry about what kind of boyfriend I want. If I put up a photo of Jacques Dutronc will that mean that I will wind up with the current old Jacques Dutronc? Or with a guy who only speaks French? Should I just go on match.com? Or move to France?

9:16 PM: Yeah it's time for my second shot.

10:00 PM: I finish my visualization door. There are way too many magazine cutouts of Jon Hamm's head. It looks like I've walked into a serial killer's apartment.

10:20 PM: The Secret advises that you write down everything you want as if you already have it. Example: "I am so happy now that I (have this/am this/am doing this/etc)." I try this. I quickly run out of things that I want. Number 14 on the list? "I am so happy now that I have hot pockets."

10:30 PM: I check my freezer. I have no hot pockets. Damn.

11:45 PM: I totally forgot what I was supposed to have been doing and somehow wound up on YouTube for over an hour watching deleted scenes from Titanic. I regroup and refocus but not after watching propeller guy hit the giant propeller a few more times.

Midnight: I realize that "Titanic" is about 12 years old and I panic.

12:30 AM: All of this late 90s talk makes me realize that I don't have Beck's Odelay album. I have some key tracks so I scour hypem.com trying to fill in the rest. I can't. This pisses me off, but not enough to buy Odelay on iTunes. I visualize Odelay. I think about adding it to my visualization door but am too lazy. So I just repeat "Odelay" over and over in my brain, sending the message out to the universe that I would like this album. I continue to search the internet.

1:01 AM: That’s getting boring so I decide to watch Californication. But all it does is make me think about The X-Files which makes me think about the late 90s which makes me panic all over again that I am old.

1:05 AM: I watch propeller guy again on YouTube. I just love the way he hits that propeller!

1:07 AM: Yeah I'm going to bed. I put The Secret DVD on my computer and let it lull me to sleep, hoping that somehow the words will just seep into my unconsciousness and do all of the work for me.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is the creator of Apocalypstick.

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kate moss impression"Where It's At" — Beck (mp3)

"Minus" — Beck (mp3)

"Readymade" — Beck (mp3)

"Sissyneck" — Beck (mp3)