In Which We Give Over To Our Secret Life

The Secret to The Secret

by ALMIE ROSE

I guess by now The Secret is about as old as John McCain, but for those of you living in a cave with your fingers in your ears, The Secret is Oprah's favorite life affirmation consisting of 3 steps: ask, believe, receive. Basically if you ask for something and believe that you have it, you soon will. The Secret is further explained, but like not really, in a DVD and a book with "I swear to God this works" testimonies from "philosophers" and that dude who came up with Chicken Soup for the Soul (true story: my mom wrote a story about me, titled with my name, and it was published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: A 3rd Helping.)

A friend of mine claims that The Secret actually does work, but only if applied with tequila. As this sounds like any good excuse to get drunk alone on a Friday night, I decided to find the truth all in the name of science and faith, documenting my journey along the way.

8 PM: The only tequila I have is a leftover birthday gift from a few years ago and it's strawberry crème flavored. It tastes like evil strawberry Quik. I take my first shot. "Like attracts like", writes Rhonda Byrne, likely one of the many writers for The Secret book. "Thoughts become things." Visualization is key to The Secret so I visualize sitting on Jon Hamm's face.

8:15 PM: I wonder how long it will take my thoughts to come into fruition. The book makes it clear that it will not be instantaneous and no, it cannot give you a time frame. Assholes.

8:30 PM: A big deal in The Secret is to make a "visualization board" in which you cut out pictures or words of all of the things you want in life and glue it to a poster board and everything on there supposedly comes true. I don't have poster board so I use my bathroom door. I cut out pictures of actress' bodies that I wish I had and tape it to the board. I worry that this isn't specific enough; I don't want to become friends with Olivia Wilde, I just want her figure. I draw an arrow to her abs but this seems too confusing for the universe to understand. So I write, "a great body." Then I worry that this still is too vague; what if The Secret is like that Twilight Zone episode where that guy asks for things and gets them too literally? What if I wind up with "a great body" on my doorstep tomorrow? How can I make it clear that I don't want a dead body?

9:15 PM: I decided to forego the whole wishing for a better body thing, deciding instead to just keep exercising and eating less fast food. This seems easier.

Now I have to worry about what kind of boyfriend I want. If I put up a photo of Jacques Dutronc will that mean that I will wind up with the current old Jacques Dutronc? Or with a guy who only speaks French? Should I just go on match.com? Or move to France?

9:16 PM: Yeah it's time for my second shot.

10:00 PM: I finish my visualization door. There are way too many magazine cutouts of Jon Hamm's head. It looks like I've walked into a serial killer's apartment.

10:20 PM: The Secret advises that you write down everything you want as if you already have it. Example: "I am so happy now that I (have this/am this/am doing this/etc)." I try this. I quickly run out of things that I want. Number 14 on the list? "I am so happy now that I have hot pockets."

10:30 PM: I check my freezer. I have no hot pockets. Damn.

11:45 PM: I totally forgot what I was supposed to have been doing and somehow wound up on YouTube for over an hour watching deleted scenes from Titanic. I regroup and refocus but not after watching propeller guy hit the giant propeller a few more times.

Midnight: I realize that "Titanic" is about 12 years old and I panic.

12:30 AM: All of this late 90s talk makes me realize that I don't have Beck's Odelay album. I have some key tracks so I scour hypem.com trying to fill in the rest. I can't. This pisses me off, but not enough to buy Odelay on iTunes. I visualize Odelay. I think about adding it to my visualization door but am too lazy. So I just repeat "Odelay" over and over in my brain, sending the message out to the universe that I would like this album. I continue to search the internet.

1:01 AM: That’s getting boring so I decide to watch Californication. But all it does is make me think about The X-Files which makes me think about the late 90s which makes me panic all over again that I am old.

1:05 AM: I watch propeller guy again on YouTube. I just love the way he hits that propeller!

1:07 AM: Yeah I'm going to bed. I put The Secret DVD on my computer and let it lull me to sleep, hoping that somehow the words will just seep into my unconsciousness and do all of the work for me.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is the creator of Apocalypstick.

kate moss impression"Where It's At" — Beck (mp3)

"Minus" — Beck (mp3)

"Readymade" — Beck (mp3)

"Sissyneck" — Beck (mp3)