In Which Aromatherapy Is The Only Thing That Keeps Kaitlyn Going

Nick's Bracelets

by DICK CHENEY

Now that the men and women of Game of Thrones have gone back into their caves to debate who is dead and who is not, my Sundays are completely free to catch up on The Bachelorette. Last night Kaitlyn straight up slept with this guy named Nick in Dublin under the principle of, if I have sex with someone overseas, did it really happen?

He takes most of his romantic lines from Grey

It did end up happening. Kaitlyn is primarily known for being humorous, which is odd because she never tells jokes, really. She laughs a lot and dances when music is on, which when I think about it doesn't make her different from any other human being. She has a tattoo of a bird on her arm, a rather unsightly marking. As she explains the ink, it reminds her that wherever she is, she has a way home.

Kaitlyn makes her actual home somewhere in Arizona, not far from the devilish lair of one George R. R. Martin. Not a single person got laid this season on Game of Thrones except for the Queen of Dragons. Kaitlyn is considerably less threatening. This week her men held a fake funeral for her in Dublin. She lay in the casket giggling as they pronounced limericks about her untimely passing.

This was actually a cute idea in theory. In practice one guy started crying as he remembered his mom's funeral.

It was all a bit macabre, especially with host Chris Harrison whining like a baby about how Kaitlyn was "the worst corpse ever." To spice things up, Nick's main competition got really drunk. Shawn Booth is a personal trainer from Windsor Locks who appears to have muscles above his eyebrows. He got sauced on PBR and moved the party immediately to Kaitlyn's hotel room, where she had previously fucked Nick.

getting drunk and confronting the bachelorette is pretty much heaven for any personal trainer.

Here he told her about his feelings. I don't doubt that young men have feelings; I just don't understand whey they can't repress them, expressing their emotions in open critiques of the new True Detective only. "Rachel McAdams' haircut is the shits" and "I think this is exploiting sexual violence as a replacement for dramatic seriousness."

That's a lot of bracelets, but then against Nick is part Navajo.

Disturbingly, Shawn was expressing his innermost emotions on the same couch where Nick stroked Kaitylin's leg and murmured such malapropisms as, "I want to know every part of you," and "I can't get enough of you." Nick, a software sales executive from Wisconsin, wears a set of bracelets everywhere that he goes. Each indicates an aspect of his interior self.

A man should hold a woman's face during kisses and at all other times.

As Nick and Kaitlyn engaged in their various intimacies, GRRM had the idea of crosscutting their sex with a deep conversation between Shawn and Jared about how much they trusted her. While ostensibly a sexist move, the producers of The Bachelorette softened this attack on their heroine by showing soft images of birds and bees mating. A fountain exploded into the Dublin night to represent Nick and Kaitlyn's simultaneous orgasm.

The only other alternative was to film Nick's cock up close.

The amount of woman-shaming going on by the producers of The Bachelorette is, naturally, in poor taste. Of course Kaitlyn fucked Nick — which of us would not do the same? He has bracelets, bracelets, and when he leans over, he puts his hand against his own head to indicate how fucking casual and sexy and fun this all is. Considering the rest of the candidates for Kaitlyn's affections look like they got out of a clown car, this means a hell of a lot.

The irony is that Nick is the same man who, at the end of the last season of The Bachelorette, asked Andi, why did she have sex with him if she did not care for him to choose himself instead of Josh Murray? No one has ingratiated himself so quickly and shallowly among such stiff competition. Nick deserves to know why these women want him if they do not really want him. The answer is that he smells like cinnamon and Brut.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location.

Everything in one shot. Damn the cinematography on this show is top notch.
 

"Black Heart" - Carly Rae Jepsen (mp3)

In Which We Talk Bachelor To Bachelorette

Bachelorette Horrow Show

by ALEX CARNEVALE

Human relations are an art form, or so I have learned. The intricacies of the human interchange are mystifying to me and have been since I was just an egg. I never had a sister, or wanted one, and thus I never really learned anything about the opposite sex.

When I worked at ABC The Bachelor was in full swing as the finest place to see how women operated and what they would accept to be with some dude who was a doctor, or some dude who was Jerry O'Connell's brother.

Besides Temptation Island, which brought me more laughs than The Bob Newhart Show and Newhart did in their entirety, The Bachelor was the perfect show. You see, all you have to do is show humans trying to have relationships with each other and I am tuning in. It's better if those people are bright and intelligent, and frankly Jillian, the current center of The Bachelorette's final tonight, is one such human female.

Jillian is smarter than most women you meet in the vagaries of reality TV. She's Canadian which is like 20 points of IQ right there. Unfortunately she's brought her superpower to the show with her, that driving force being her incredibly bad taste in men. You know someone has bad taste in men when ABC describes them in the promotional literature with the adjectives "intelligent, independent, passionate."

To narrow down her selections to the final two, Jillian parted ways with Reid, a man so completely flummoxed by the thought of even considering committment with Jillian that he got kicked off the show before the guy who couldn't get it up. Reid is a realtor, and I've never seen one speechless before.

This dude was just hilarious. He could not even form words he was so horrified by Jillian asking if he'd be willing to propose at the end of the show. Going home in the limo, he told the camera, "I think I fucked up." Maybe tell her that — it would have been his longest speech during in their weekend in Hawaii. The rest of the time he tried to seem excited like a golden retriever or something.

Jillian must have been really unhappy with Reid, because his competition couldn't even get an erection in the fantasy suite. The appropriately named Ed is a big lumbering sack of shit with 14 inch guns and the kind of personality even squirrels find annoying.

Ed looked like an overgrown turd climbing on her. When she went to the bathroom and comes out in a negligee, Ed almost started smearing shit on the walls.

That brings us to the winner of tonight's proceedings, the bizarrely named KIPTYN who demands his name be spelled in all caps. There's other evidence that KIPTYN is a computer model and that's the big reveal ABC has promised for this evening, but there may be other surprises in store.

Jillian has a problem where she thinks she isn't deserving of anyone who is cool and nice, and KIPTYN is setting off those alarm bells. Plus he told her in one weird masochistic moment that all his relationships have ended by him getting bored and dumping the poor chick, and he's worried it might happen to them, and she is completely frightened it's going to happen to her.

Neither of these relationships is likely to work out, and so Jillian will go on driving men away by the thousands.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He tumbls here and twitters here.

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"Jimmy Raven" — Animal Collective (mp3)

"Mouth Wooed Her" — Animal Collective (mp3)

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