In Which We Talk Bachelor To Bachelorette

Bachelorette Horrow Show

by ALEX CARNEVALE

Human relations are an art form, or so I have learned. The intricacies of the human interchange are mystifying to me and have been since I was just an egg. I never had a sister, or wanted one, and thus I never really learned anything about the opposite sex.

When I worked at ABC The Bachelor was in full swing as the finest place to see how women operated and what they would accept to be with some dude who was a doctor, or some dude who was Jerry O'Connell's brother.

Besides Temptation Island, which brought me more laughs than The Bob Newhart Show and Newhart did in their entirety, The Bachelor was the perfect show. You see, all you have to do is show humans trying to have relationships with each other and I am tuning in. It's better if those people are bright and intelligent, and frankly Jillian, the current center of The Bachelorette's final tonight, is one such human female.

Jillian is smarter than most women you meet in the vagaries of reality TV. She's Canadian which is like 20 points of IQ right there. Unfortunately she's brought her superpower to the show with her, that driving force being her incredibly bad taste in men. You know someone has bad taste in men when ABC describes them in the promotional literature with the adjectives "intelligent, independent, passionate."

To narrow down her selections to the final two, Jillian parted ways with Reid, a man so completely flummoxed by the thought of even considering committment with Jillian that he got kicked off the show before the guy who couldn't get it up. Reid is a realtor, and I've never seen one speechless before.

This dude was just hilarious. He could not even form words he was so horrified by Jillian asking if he'd be willing to propose at the end of the show. Going home in the limo, he told the camera, "I think I fucked up." Maybe tell her that — it would have been his longest speech during in their weekend in Hawaii. The rest of the time he tried to seem excited like a golden retriever or something.

Jillian must have been really unhappy with Reid, because his competition couldn't even get an erection in the fantasy suite. The appropriately named Ed is a big lumbering sack of shit with 14 inch guns and the kind of personality even squirrels find annoying.

Ed looked like an overgrown turd climbing on her. When she went to the bathroom and comes out in a negligee, Ed almost started smearing shit on the walls.

That brings us to the winner of tonight's proceedings, the bizarrely named KIPTYN who demands his name be spelled in all caps. There's other evidence that KIPTYN is a computer model and that's the big reveal ABC has promised for this evening, but there may be other surprises in store.

Jillian has a problem where she thinks she isn't deserving of anyone who is cool and nice, and KIPTYN is setting off those alarm bells. Plus he told her in one weird masochistic moment that all his relationships have ended by him getting bored and dumping the poor chick, and he's worried it might happen to them, and she is completely frightened it's going to happen to her.

Neither of these relationships is likely to work out, and so Jillian will go on driving men away by the thousands.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He tumbls here and twitters here.

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