In Which Our Timing Was All Wrong

Bran I Don't Care About Your Warg Dreams

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. The moment someone starts telling you their dream you can assume it's all gone wrong. In Bran's juvenile dream he sees his mother, which is one of the more pathetic things about Bran. You just know inside Bran there's a voice saying, "I'm special, aren't I?" It doesn't help to sleep on a featherbed, you're still going to dream of a three-eyed crow and Jaime Lannister breaking your legs. If someone got me a featherbed I would just thank them.

you know you're having a warg dream when the anti-semitic three-eyed crow pops in for a how are you
This episode felt so empty, it felt like they were just riding on the solid wave of not having Catherine Stark on the show whining about how she's a bad mother. It's just unrealistic: have you ever once heard a rich woman admit to being a bad mother? It's never happened once to Dina Lohan and that means it's not going to happen at all. God I hate you Bran.

crowds of people just milling about on the off chance Margaery shows up

We did have to have another person recall the death of Ned Stark ("And Ned Stark died HO HO HO"), I mean Christ get over it, he died years ago now. There's a few things that repeat often enough on Thrones to become tiresome. For example, saying the name of the person in the next scene at the end of the current scene so the plebes can keep track of the characters. This only works when people know or care who Theon Greyjoy is.

Trying to make the house mottoes happen is even lamer, I mean just run it on a crawl: "...CNN is reporting the words of Riverrun are 'suck on a squegee'..." "Winter is coming" makes no fucking sense, it's certainly not coming when you're in it and according to the temperature it already came. Please stop saying this.

this woman is a hero and a thinspiration

You have to put your tragedies squarely behind you. At least Arya has totally forgotten her dad's death, she's still crying about some dude named Micah. Look, your white dog did attack Joffrey, and for that honestly it deserved to die. This is how it was meant to happen. If Joffrey had been killed, we would not be experiencing the absolute heaven that is his pending nuptials with Margaery Tyrell. Cersei's face during this was absolutely priceless.

emmy for best look of mingled hope & utter desperation
You'll notice GRRM routinely kills off or maims his gay characters; I believe the guy who wrote Nip/Tuck has a similar problem. Renly is long gone (killed by a shadow/ manifestation of his secret life), the sorcerer that cut off Vary's parts is alive but near death, Hot Pie is fat and alone, and Loras is getting absolutely shit on by Grandma Tyrell and possibly forced to marry a ginger.

"wait a second here Marge, YOU WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS?!??!"
Then again, reports are out that Daenerys has been fingerbanging her translator. I mean what is the point of having a translator when you can speak a bunch of languages you presumably learned sometime before your brother sold you into slavery. I really don't buy that she speaks Valyrian, I've never seen a Rosetta Stone course for that.

what command of the language my queen

Slavery is the least controversial of issues; for that reason, making someone an enemy of it is the basest assault on their calling we can imagine. It says nothing of us that we are willing to be merciful; it is the least we should be.

It is the way of civilization to offer a respite, a corrective to anarchy. Justice is a fiction invented by the revengeancist, it reflects the weakness of a mind that has no motivation within it, like the castrated spymaster of King's Landing, Varys. He too speaks from a moral view that says he is the victim whose sacrifice brought about a god, and once you have seen something immortal, it is very easy to imagine you cannot die as well.

talking bad about your menfolk is the new giving sansa stark lemon cakes smh

I think I just lapsed into Varys-speak for a second there. Varys received a special UPS delivery. He had to wait the entire weekend to get it and it was just sitting at the edge of the narrow sea all that time, so frustrating. I think there were like 60 adverbs in the scene between Varys and Grandma Tyrell. Would I be totally shocked if Grandma Tyrell and Craster were portrayed by the same actor, no I would not.

was I the only one expecting a talking testicle named Samwise?

Imprisoning the sorcerer who burned your testicles seems only fair, but if you really want to punish him, let Joffrey become his friend. Good god, that boy is like this one girl I dated in high school who always made a point of telling me everything she knew about butterflies/The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

"only I can imprison you kingslayer"
It was actually poor timing to make amputation the centerpiece of Jaime Lannister's existence. Plus they made him seem so sad about it. I get that it was the sword hand, but having your already mutilated hand sworded off by Roose Bolton is a pretty minor inconvenience. It's not like he has to attract a woman; he is already in a pretty major LTR with his sister. Once on a safari the locals honored me by giving me a necklace with a lion cub on it. Not only was I impressed, but it made me feel safer.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here.

In Which We Enter The Mind Of A Cheetah

I'd marry the dog

Shut Your Mouth Bran

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. Making a character seem real is a lot different than making him or her compelling. There are only so many character archetypes, so many personality traits that can believably inhabit one person in one world. That's why writers fall back on clichés, both because they do the work of telling us about themselves on their own, and because some are infallibly true to life, like the megalomaniacal, power-hungry bald man. Here are all the archetypes in Thrones so far:

• the impatient, juvenile boy king
• the inspiring disabled person
• the sociopathic moneylender
• the innocent token bride
• the black guy who died first
• actually there's only one black guy and he's a sailor
• why can't they cast Malcolm Jamal-Warner, he could have been a solid sellsword
• Sir Jorah Mormont should have been played by Tyler Perry
• You know nothing Jon Snow

it's not a first date if there's no crossbow fondling involvedSome of the show can't live up to the complexity of the books, but King Joffrey is far improved from the source literature. Telling your moms, "This is one of the most boring conversations I have ever had," is risky in the best of circumstances. I believe Chelsea Clinton's face looks as it does because she tendered a similar remark to her own progenitor. You really shouldn't mess with Cersei, even if you are her sweet incest baby. She has more balls in her balls than most balls. (She has no balls, she's just really cool and smart!)

"Sometimes I just feel like murdering some innocents my lord...do you ever perchance feel similarly?"

Joffrey's affection for Margaery Tyrell is puzzling at best. His own empathy always fails him, a central theme of this Thronesing. I always thought of the Tyrells as the Jews of the Seven Kingdoms, with Highgarden commanded by a secret matriarchy redolent of Golda Meir. I once saw a stage show about that woman's life; by the end I was thrashing myself so generously you would have thought I was Benjamin Netanyahu at a particularly erotic Hannukah celebration.

this is the most kowtowing anyone's done for a woman since BO complimented that attorney general

Tyrion's pathetically emotional scene with his whore girlfriend really went too far over the top. Maybe his dad was right, what kind of (little) person is willing to put someone he cares about in jeopardy just for a blow job? This weekend Lynne and I sat down to finally watch Hope Springs. There's a scene where Meryl Streep gives a teeth mark BJ to Tommy Lee Jones in a movie theater that was more believable than this. Yeah, some jaded prostitute is going to get really mad if a lion complimented Sansa Stark's looks. Not even teenagers act this silly.

Speaking of not acting his age...

bran fleeing like a coward...you have my permission to die bud

Bran seriously needs to grow up. I mean whining all the time to your servants has its appeal, don't get me wrong. The only thing less interesting than hearing about some little lord's fever dream is having to watch Theon Greyjoy do virtually anything. Bran, originally I thought your "brother" Jon Snow was the worst, primarily because he is not actually your brother (spoilers for things George has yet to write), but also because he's unable to play a spy and he got the fucking pox. Who does that?

I approached barbra streisand once in the same posture and it did not work out half as well

But no, it turns out Bran is the fucking worst. Bran, shut up about your dreams. Shut your stupid face about your dreams. Your mother bores me, your father's dead, your sister is in Israel, your other sister is so much better than you it hurts me to think about it, your other brother is in love with a do-gooder nurse, and I seriously hope you turn into a wolf and drown.

"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Imprisonment has done Jaime Lannister no favors whatsoever. His penis has shrunken from its all time high of seventeen inches, as when he copulated with his sister and produced a son in a lovely tunic with a passion for sadomaschism. His penis now claims a length of a mere thirteen inches, yet its girth has remained relatively unchanged since Robert Baratheon instructed him to slaughter the Mad King. The vicissitudes of penis reshaping and all of that.

Jaime's playful fight with Brienne of Tarth didn't give me as many halfsies as I was anticipating, but that was more due to the fact that it is completely immoral to swordfight an opponent whose hands are cuffed together. Still, I doubt that would hold back any decent swordsman. (The real life experience I rely on to make such judgments largely occurred at urinals in the greater Maryland area.) Jaime and Brienne actually make a cool team, but we need to get to the grudging respect aspect of their interplay more quickly. One note, however beautiful, becomes dull if it's played for too long.

off to deposit the one ring in the fires of mordor

Jojen and Meera Reed are among the best characters in the series. This is not because their dialogue is overwrought, clichéd bullshit about what fucking do-gooders they are. The swamp people were one of GRRM's finest inventions, possessing both the mystical and historical knowledge that other houses in the area lack while also being renowned for their loyalty and moral agility. Their knowledge of the events of Robert's Rebellion may prove crucial. Imagine me slowly sliding my eyeglasses up on my nose with one hand as I say this, and with the other making a gesture that indicates masturbation.

God I hate you Bran.

In the North, Jon Snow's acting has not gotten better the further south the wilding army has traveled. It's absolute hell when Jon and his girlfriend Samwell Tarly are separated. I mean would Tolkien have split up Frodo and his Sam? Of course not. I'd never thought the day would come when I would be praising Elijah Wood's acting. Then again, rest assured that's not going to happen. Is there any way Andrew Garfield can realize he was meant to be the real Jon Snow, or is he too busy covering Emma Stone's face with a paper bag? Do it, recast Jon Snow. It's not working out. His skeptical face is too retarded, there's only one worse actor in all of the Seven Kingdoms:

"my lady my lady my lady my lady glurg glurg glurg"

Robb Stark's problems are our problems, sort of. At least he didn't face tongue some pretentious nurse in the books. The Westerlings were a lovely people. Honestly, Robb Stark reminds me of the leaders who appeased Hitler (can't remember names, was Martin Luther involved?), or the bleeding hearts who think that it's important to be tough, but turn their nose up at the sight of the mildest violence in the name of their cause. Either sign up to be a king, or go home. Margaret Thatcher would have laughed in Catherine Stark's face. Too soon? Excuse me while I go collect my tears for her in a ceramic cup.

props to joffrey for holding onto that direwolf skin

My love for Arya knows no bounds. GRRM always tells the story of how his wife demanded he never kill the poor girl off, which I'm sure ensures her death in the series' final book, A Shit On Stannis. (I actually had to check whether or not Stannis was still alive in canon, that's how boring the guy is.) Hopefully one day, via an elaborate flashback sequence, we will meet the charming mother who sired a gay, a prissy adulterer and a hog-shaped excuse for a king. Children haven't gotten that disappointing since Phil found out his only son tortured a rabbit on Modern Family. (You don't need to google this, it hasn't happened yet.)

the beginning of a rewarding friendship

Despite the fact that my PSN name is arya43, I have to admit I have gotten a little sick of the brave androgynous fighter act. Watching the Hound betray her to the Brothers without Borders Without Banners or Doctors was difficult. I never respected those guys, or anyone who thinks they're trying to save the countryside. Like really, tons of poor people in America could eat if you just put oil wells off the California coast. I said this to a guy at a gas station the other day and he was absolutely flabbergasted. GRRM's obsession with keeping Arya a little girl is typical, but listen, they have to grow up some time. I was surprised as you when I read that Selena Gomez killed a guy when she was like, twelve.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. All of these things actually happened. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here, and his recapitulation of last week's episode here.

"The River" - Zero Absolu (mp3)

"The Olive Tree" - Zero Absolu (mp3)

In Which We Wonder Where Her Toy Is

The Wishing Well

by DICK CHENEY

I have a hard time focusing for the length of time it takes to watch a television show. It's not like I reach for my phone or iPad right away. I usually don't. It's that I see someone else doing it, and I immediately think, "I could also be checking the price of Paul Krugman voodoo dolls on Amazon while I watch Hot in Cleveland." Granted, I am not the most adventurous sort. I was suspicious of what sherbet was for over forty years; Doug Feith once sent me 52 e-mails trying to convince me to take MDMA before I relented.

A few hours after any woman meets up with Elijah Wood, she thinks to herself, "That was fun, but do I really need to be nuzzled by Frodo twice?" Then again, it's hard to find something worthwhile to watch on television when it's so evident that we live in an age where Aaron Sorkin's latent anti-semitism has reached its nadir.

Wilfred

Wilfred posits that talking to your dog is unusual, when it's one of the most common behaviors in existence. The most common behaviors are something like:

1. Mouthing the words to songs

2. Being a little grossed out by Emma Stone

3. Always thinking of the same subject while peeing

Things I say to my dog include:

1. What's going on champ?

2. That's a good girl.

3. Where's your toy?

When you ask my golden retriever where her toy is, she begins to get very excited. The recipe is so simple sometimes I quietly wonder why no one will ask me where my toy is.

The everpresent score of Wilfred is heavily reminiscent of everything Jon Brion has ever done. It's supposed to be some kind of Alice-in-Wonderland tinkle to represent the descent of Ryan (Elijah Wood) into madness. In reality it gets more and more annoying, which is kind of the point — we are almost as frustrated with Wood's lawyer-turned-wastrel as he is with himself.

Ryan is heavily invested in an extremely mediocre woman. Her name is Jenna (Fiona Gubelmann), and she tells you everything you need to know about the show. It is only interested in taking one meaningful risk at a time. Barely distinguishable from the lesser broke girl or the corpse of Kaley Cuoco, the only character more underwritten than Jenna is a gastroenterologist played by Robin Williams.

I would be more into the show if before every airing they had Cesar Millan come out and say, "This is what would happen if dogs could think."

get it?

Anger Management

Charlie Sheen's face is slowly crumbling; it looks like a bunch of stucco deteriorated over hundreds of years. His new show, Anger Management, features him parenting a teenage girl, whose new stepfather is a heavily tattoed Brian Austin Green. The only situation more unfamiliar to Sheen would be climbing onto his house and actually redoing his roof so it doesn't look so much like his face.

Sheen's character plays a Harvard educated psychologist who sees patterns in everything, even labels on soup cans or in the lining of a yarmulke he received at a bar mitzvah. His major love interest is played by Kiefer Sutherland, and his minor love interest is portrayed by Jim Caviezel.

Every woman who sleeps with Sheen's character on Anger Management has to repeatedly emphasize how much she enjoys the experience, until it becomes the world's most extensive case of the lady doth protest too much.

Anthony Edwards now plays Maura Isles on "Rizzoli & Isles"

Falling Skies

Aliens noticed Noah Wyle's neckbeard from another nebula and were like, "Doesn't that thing itch?

what could make me feel this way?

Veep

I always wonder, thinking back on the eight long years of Bill Clinton's presidency before I arrived, what did Al Gore do with all that time? My main guesses have generally been: Xbox, a variety of lotions, washing his car with recycled water, Mike & Ikes and watercress.

It is unclear which sort of person the creators of Veep think less of: women, or vice presidents. The presentation of Vice President Selina Myers (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) as constantly ignored and neglected is wildly implausible. Even less believable is that she would have a sexual relationship with the guy who played David on The Office.

Fortunately, even single movement of Anna Chlumsky's face inspires hope and joy in every part of my being. She is a sensation. The show should have been about a proud lesbian relationship between the two women, and the cliffhanger at the end of the first season should have been whether or not they can tell Selina's father (Ed Asner?). Veep started out a little slow before finding itself. The show's constant denigration of the office of the Vice President is potentially grounds for treason charges, or at least litigation based on whoever isn't giving Buster Bluth the punchlines he deserves. How dare they.

did you order the code red?Game of Thrones

People come up to me in the supermarket, at the gynecologist's office, in sniper towers, asking me one thing: What did you think of the Thrones finale? Wasn't it stupid when the White Walkers of the North marched forth at about 5 mph?

I quickly tell them I don't care. Only one thing in Westeros matters or will matter to me. You. You there.

Stay away from Robb Stark. Stay away from him. What kind of name is Talisa? Why do people assume a woman healer is a nurse instead of a doctor? There's no doctors in the Seven Kingdoms, why do you think Sansa Stark knows so little about her menstrual cycle? You know nothing, Jon Snow.

Health care reform

I wonder what B.O. will do with himself once he's out of office. On the negative side of the ledger, he'll have to avoid urinating all over the toilet bowl for the first time in several years. On the positive side, Jimmy Fallon doesn't have to worry about booking guests anymore.

Louie

In the first episode of Louie's third season, he purchases a motorcycle and crashes it. He reveals his ex-wife is a woman of color. Each new possibility is both completely bizarre and made into something familiar and universal by CK's performance — he's basically reinventing the concept of being a mime for a new millennium. In playing himself, he rarely speaks except to grumble, make an excuse, or apologize. It is very funny, but it is also very sad that he writes himself this way.

When a person's low self-esteem becomes so extreme in comparison to their actual self-worth, it's called a reverse Alex Trebek.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording and the former vice president of the United States. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. He last wrote in these pages about Tim Burton's Dark Shadows.

"Hanging By A Thread" - Ami Saraiya & the Outcome (mp3)

"Soundproof Box" - Ami Saraiya & the Outcome (mp3)

The new album from Ami Saraiya is entitled Soundproof Box.

the undersecretary of defense of the white walkers