In Which We Put You All On Trial For Your Thronesing

You Will Have Been Thronesed

by DICK CHENEY

If there's one aspect of life at which I never fail, even for a moment, it is determining whether or not a thing is racist. (Everything is sexist, so it requires little discernment in order to detect this offense.) In response to vicious allegations about a lack of characters of color on Game of Thrones, show creator David Benioff has fought back. "Let's put an African gentleman in a bath with some Caucasian whores!" he cackled to his writing team. They nodded and took his comment as permission to include the word whores in at least ten more lines of dialogue in this episode.

A pirate who visits prostitutes? What will they think of next? This fantastic world contains such wonders!
The main thrust of things last night was the trial of Tyrion Lannister. No matter how many lavish trials I see depicted, they never get any stupider. Why there was an audience present no one will know, other than it served as a convenient excuse for Tyrion to lecture everyone on how good he was with those fire barrels. You saved the city one time, buddy, was it really a justification for murder?

He's really overdressed for summer in King's Landing IMO

Moreover, was it really Joffrey's fault that Robert Baratheon was an abusive drunk and rapist? Did he ask to be born a child of incest? Did he have any choice but to kill that ginger girl's direwolf? What exactly did Joffrey do that was so bad? Did he incessantly ask rhetorical questions that made little to no sense? I submit that he did not. OK, he tortured a few women. If that was a crime, Vladimir Putin wouldn't be the president of Russia, and I would never have tried my first cappuccino.

The Braavosi live at Hogwarts, I believe this bit of trivia was established in "The Hedge Knight"

My hatred for Stannis Baratheon and his illiterate, complainy friend is well-known in these parts. I even wrote a fan fiction in which Stannis Baratheon has the voice of the parents on Peanuts; it was extremely biting and savage in a very subtle way. Stannis has to have his now semi-literate pal speak for him because Melisandre was only contracted for three episodes this season. She demands her own trailer on set and stays in character during meal times.

JK, but the thing is, I never really understood the idea of making Stannis Baratheon such a major character in Thrones. I'm not sure what he really brings to the table, other than a very understanding wife. I guess eventually his body will just get taken over by the Red God, kind of like Octodad: Dadliest Catch.

obama was lyke, "I have this random idea for a statue of myself talking to the Danish prime minister. You guys like it?"

Our first real look at the Braavosi indicates they are a group of very logical gingers. They trim their beards with porcelain knives, and they find Emma Watson grating at best. Every other Friday they take a day sail to Westeros in order to sample some of the local cuisine and make cutting comments to illiterate people about how their bank "has the most money" and other banks "might as well be across the Narrow Sea." Frankly, it's a bit overbearing after awhile, in a discernibly anti-Semitic way.

I seriously will never complain about those handsome bearded braavos, though, because anything that takes attention away from the most boring family in existence, the Greyjoys, is a fucking joy to me.

wow, what a council. Frank Underwood would make ground meat out of these buffoons.

The Theon Greyjoy storyline is so utterly stupid. Every single scene boils down to one inescapable fact: Theon no longer has a penis. I don't see what the big deal is there Reek. Neither does Timothy Geithner, and yet he was able to pen a bestselling book.

Moreover, the subject of the very next scene was how Lord Varys is also a eunuch. If it wasn't for the spicy accent of Prince Martell livening up the proceedings, I swear to God I would have played Hearthstone during this entire turgid sequence. It used to be semi-cool, you know, how Varys had all these children spies and how he was like the only logical one, but now that he has turned on Tyrion, I have no use for the bald fucker.

is this one of the roles they recast? I can't even tell anymore, every bearded guy looks the samesies.

Tyrion's lecture about the Battle of Blackwater was extremely illogical. It came entirely from emotion, reminding me that the little guy is such an ESFJ, just like other great individuals: Desmond Tutu, the Pope (no), and Alvin of Alvin and the Chipmunks fame. Normally able to keep his cool, Tyrion contorted his face into a sphincter of anguish. Peter Dinklage rehearsed this one in the mirror eleventy times.

He was actually fine with everything until they turned his GF against him. That's why people's wives can't testify against their husbands. There would just be too many long lectures by the accused. The point of getting married is that there is only one person in the world who can really get to you, besides like Ellen DeGeneres. She can get to anyone.

"The Station Agent" was a wonderful film, you bastards!

In one sense, Tyrion had a right to be angry. He did in general attempt to be moral and logical in his dealings as the Hand of the King. But in the end, he had only one job, and he did it. Whoop-de-doo. Excellence doesn't come in a day, it arrives over a lifetime. Twyin Lannister has done a thousand jobs. He engineered a revolution, he kept an insane boy king on the throne against a massive invading army, and he let his two hottest children have sex. This is a magical list of accomplishments when you really put it all together.

Why do I feel if Shae had combed Sansa Stark's gorgeous hair a lot more fervently none of this negative shit ever would have happened?

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find last week's GoT recapitulation here.

"Never Been Alive" - The Avett Brothers (mp3)

"Another Is Waiting" - The Avett Brothers (mp3)

In Which We Won't Order Anyone To Go With You

Died for the Watch

by DICK CHENEY

That feeling: when it's been too long since you have had a Thrones-ing. Watching King Tommen fawn over a cat named Sir Pounce doesn't quite fill the hole inside me.

God how I hate you, Sir Pounce. You are mangy, your politics are mostly likely left-liberal, and I suspect you of making secret, inappropriate jokes about the amputee in the King's Guard. Sir Pounce your bon mots are no match for my bon blogs.

Sir Pounce, you rascal. Get off the bed. Cats aren't allowed on the bed, Sir Pounce.
You know who is a fantastic eunuch? That Grey Worm.

But let me get back to Tommen. This little persnickety tween is no king. Joffrey was a man. He once shot an arrow in the boar that killed his father. Sure, it was a pouty arrow, but come on - he shot an arrow. He didn't lavish his attentions on a cat and a woman who closely resembles the Joker.

Cut scars in the side of your face. Do it. Tommen'll love it.

Having to listen to Littlefinger pleasing Lady Arryn was disturbing at best, treasonous at worst. Overhearing anyone have sex can be downright unpleasant for all parties concerned, but at least you know it's not King Tommen by himself in his chambers calling out for his pathetic cat in the night.

Frankly, I have a lot of respect for Lysa Arryn. It must have been really hard to watch people constantly making moves on your ginger sister when you know that (1) you had better goods, (2) you were better at squeezing people's hands really hard and (3) Catelyn Stark pouted a lot, probably too much.

A romance for the ages. Jamie et Bronn forever.

To take away the pain, it is important to find refuge in simple friendship. Sure, Jaime probably went too far with his actions in previous episodes, causing The Onion A/V Club to run that oh-so-regrettable headline "Rape of Thrones", but a lot of crazy shit happened around Joffrey's corpse. That was no one's fault, understand? Indicate that you heard me.

only reasonable soundtrack for this is Animal Collective. You know I'm right.

I find joy in the wondrous, odd-couple journey of Tyrion's squire and that tall woman. The two are absolutely adorable together. Why couldn't they have taken Sir Pounce with them, ideally sacrificing the beast to the White Walkers? I loathe you, Sir Pounce. Even a frozen, zombie version of you would not be kewl. I want to travel back in time and have Joffrey send an arrow into you. The only acceptable spirit animal for a King of Westeros is a wolf, unless HBO springs for CGI that week. Then it's a dragon.  

Let's free all slaves...for a week!

Lynne informed me recently that I am godfather to a child named Arya. At first I laughed, but then I grew serious. I wondered aloud why you would honor a child by naming her after a woman whose greatest achievements involve acting way too young for her age, having a hot friend named Hot Pie, and wandering across the King's Road for a solid three seasons. No wonder that scarred fellow is always so upset with her, does she even have an M.F.A.?

At least have breakfast the morning after. Not that big a deal.

Now that all my hatred of yore directed towards Bran Stark is now focused lagely on the king's cat and Anna Wintour, I can get behind the emotional journey of the young paraplegic. Deprived of both mother and father, stranded in a cold land, imprisoned by a guy doing a weird impression of a sadistic Lee Evans, I can finally sympathize with Brandon Stark based solelyon the fact that we both recently lost a lot of strength in our legs.

Fuck you, Sir Pounce. Also, must Jojen Reed spend half his waning hours meaningfully nodding to his friends and family. Use your words, marshling.

One way to make characters memorable is by giving them a distinguishing feature like a tattoo, burn or hysterectomy.

You know who was a fantastic eunuch? All of the eunuchs.

Next time on Game of Thrones promises the exciting conclusion to the trial of Tyrion Lannister. I hope he calls every single one of the dwarves at Joffrey's wedding to testify on his behalf. You can say a lot of things, but you can't say those little buggers didn't do a fantastic job representing the death of the Mad King and Robert Baratheon's victorious rebellion.

Um yeah that's not symbolic or phallic at all? Enjoy your trip with Ser Podrick. (It's not a test.)

Miss you Joffrey. I keep missing everybody. Ned. Myrcella. Craster. Renly. Roose Bolton's bff. Lord Mormont. Everyone. Sansa, because she's in the Eyrie. I even miss Littlefinger sometimes, usually when I'm wondering how big his dick is. I miss that Walder Frey guy. What was he all about? I miss the whore that Tyrion used to try to appease, even when she was being super-weird. I miss Nymeria and Lyanna Stark. But most of all, more than anything, I miss The Sopranos.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. 

"Gunshot (acoustic)" - Lykke Li (mp3)

"No Rest For The Wicked" - Lykke Li (mp3)

In Which We Show Them How It Feels To Lose What They Love

Guys That's My Wife

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. If Bran can take the form of any human being, why not embody his enemies? The answer is that to think like those who wish us harm is an ugly business. It's bad enough to just be Bran, I mean he sent his brother into the wilderness under the watchful eye of some crazy ex-wilding. I got the exact same feeling watching Rickon walk away as when my best friend in college married a Jehovah's Witness. Every time I open the door, I think it's going to be him.

"guys settle down. I'm trying to possess melisandre's vibrator. especially you hodor, shut your mouth."

But onto the good news. Not spoiling the Red Wedding for my wife Lynne was tremendously hard; I kept giving her weird clues like if we were in the grocery store or at the dry cleaner, I'd slyly pull up my sleeve and I'd be wearing mail underneath. The satisfaction when she finally got this joke after tonight's episode was worth the chafing feeling on my thighs. There is no armor that does not weigh you down.

who wears mail to a slaughter anyway?

Enough circling. Watching Bran's mother get put down was crazy great. I mean, I could go on for hours listing all the things Catelyn Stark has done wrong. In fact:

1) She was kind of a dick to her husband, children, and Jon Snow.

b) That hairstyle dated back to the time of the old gods. Melisandre could have given her a perm; perhaps that would have been for the best.

14) She led Littlefinger on for like two decades

22) She made Stannis Baratheon's wife look like Barbie.

god the show will be so much better now, thank you George

31a) Instead of going to King's Landing to support her husband, she was all, "Oh, he'll be fiiiiiiine"

31b) Instead of going to King's Landing to support her Sansa, she was all, "Joffrey's a sweet boy"

31c) Instead of going to King's Landing to support her Arya, she was all, "New Hot Pie will protect her."

37) No eyeshadow

45) I once heard her make a dismissive remark about Barbra Streisand's nose that struck me as borderline anti-Semitic.

this is what you get for refusing to show when your daughter marries a little person

But really, Catelyn's worst crime was not her hair or her lack of military expertise or general uncleanliness. It was that she was always by her son's side, when she had children who needed her a lot more. Parents always play favorites, especially when some of their children are totally useless, like Bran. A daughter is always a lot less welcome than a son; GRRM's trenchant commentary on contemporary China is preferable to another speech by Tyrion about prostitutes, don't you think?

every direwolf dies. not every direwolf really lives, especially if you belong to bran. god i hate you bran.

As for Robb's direwolf, that was pretty sad guys. I sort of felt like Arya could have done something... I mean, she could have done a lot of things. She could have ensured Tywin Lannister never lived to deliver that order; in effect, she caused the death of her mother and her brother, and I respect her all the more for that.

Making a lot less sense was the overall behavior of Jon Snow. This was heartbreakingly weaselly stuff. One of the toughest men ever on the night's watch died so you could be where you were, guy. And instead of slaughtering some old dude who were mere moments away from being eaten whole by a white walker, you gave up the Ghost and started running ppl through with your sword? Ugh times one million.

chin up, as least you weren't on the receiving end of a womb-stabbing

I have an equal crit for Ygritte. Your plan was this, unkempt woman: commit the murder your boyfriend had promised to do, and thereby...save him? Do you even have the slightest idea of how easily infections are transmitted through a human bite? My wife is still convinced that is how Michael Douglas got cancer, since no woman in her right mind would allow him near her pelvis.

You've got to circle the Red Wedding. You can't come too close to it.

can't unsee

It's complete insanity to break up the dragon queen's story like this. She should have dedicated episodes, maybe just an ABC Family movie where Daario Naharis gets a paunch belly and won't do anything but watch Storage Wars and chew on beef jerky. The real problem with the dragon queen right now is that the beginning of her story is a lot more interesting than her rise to power and every time they actually use those CGI dragons it probably costs a fortune, so they don't. It's kinda strange when the show's production values suddenly drop from this:

to Jason and the Argonauts-type bad with Grey Worm, Daario and Sir Jorah Mormont on the most transparently ugly studio in the world. Poor Grey Worm; his queen is sounding more like Dr. Laura every day:

Signing off from the Red Wedding in total silence reminded me of something. I used to work with a certain person who always felt that less is more, that most meaningless of phrases. When you consider this pathetic expression more closely, anyone can think of nothing. We desire instead a rich world, and that is what Game of Thrones provides. Even a small pause of remembrance undermines its point — these deaths, while shocking and incredibly graphic to those of us who do not spend our time writing Jon Snow-Daenerys Targaryen fanfiction ("I'm fascinated by your white privilege, Jon Snow" "My medium sized dragon ate your wolf Jon" etc) lack any real meaning. They are just something that happened to this one:

while she is on her way to get where she is going.

It is selfish but honest for those surrounding death to speak of its effect on them. They are only the victims. Robb Stark planned to assault Tywin Lannister's home, slaying his servants and his army. Knowing this, Tywin made sure he struck first. There was nothing more to it than that, no menace beyond those carried out by the Frey men who stood to benefit from this betrayal. Robb and his ferociously bad looking mother made a military mistake and nothing more.

What Game of Thrones does best, and why it is finer when it does not take itself seriously at all, is show us the irony of any celebration. Things are just not going to work out for any of these people in the way they hope. (The Hound knows this best — eventually someone is just going to burn his face again.) It does drive us mad to be close to something wonderful, whether it be a particularly musical woman or a parent who we have not seen since a time in our childhood that appears impossibly distant in retrospect. It is equally as comic that we can never achieve our heart's desire as it is sad.

Next week on the Thrones season finale: Ned Stark returns as a white walker, Tyrion Lannister has a wet dream and impregnates his leather jerkin, Joffrey starts ignoring his bethrothed and focuses on playing Black Ops II full time, Melisandre gives birth to a spectral Mary Tyler Moore, Theon Greyjoy is tortured for a solid twenty minutes, Cersei goes on a tragic late night QVC ordering binge, Sansa Stark gets implants and Samwell Tarly finally shows off the depth of his wizardry by proving he is the only man in the seven kingdoms able to make it through A Dance with Dragons without falling asleep more than once.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. He would like to send his condolences to all living members of the Stark family, including Ted Stark, Red Stark, Don Stark, Mike Stark, Tiffany Stark and Bed Stark. Your cousin Ned should probably not have married that ginger woman. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here.

by conor campbell

"Passerby" - Allie Moss (mp3)

"Corner" - Allie Moss (mp3)

protected by a senior citizen and a supermodel, what could go wrong?