In Which We Hide In A Freezer During A Wildling Skirmish

I'm Really Starting to Hate the Wall

by DICK CHENEY

Lynne and I were once Thronesing in Bretagne with two of her friends, a couple. They loved Lynne and only tolerated me, so she insisted I drop some of my best Westeros zingers on them. "Don't worry about repeating your blog posts," she suggested, "They're too rich to visit kewt websites, they only read Thackeray and the English edition of Der Spiegel." I quietly amped myself in a tastefully decorated bathroom. I emerged just as Jon Snow was entering that ginger warrior in a cave and awkwardly shouted, "His come tastes like daffodils! Hot Pie! Something about how the burned guy with Arya Stark is a fucking baby!"

The rest of the evening did not go any better. When I launched into my extended rant about how Mance Rayder was based on Howard Dean their eyes began to glaze over. They thought Howard Dean was the name of a salad dressing, and they thought Mance Rayder was Jojen Reed's father. (I was shocked by the former, and kind of intrigued by the latter.)

do you have any idea how much it would cost to feed such a creature? And it died within minutes. This was just fucking stupid.

The Episode Beyond The Wall was boring and terrible. Thrones always seems to be getting its wars wrongs - they are either too exciting and stage-y to feel real, as this battle was, or they are too chaotic and desultory to really follow with any degree of precision. The worst part of last night is when the leaders of the two groups somehow organically faced off in sword-to-sword combat with each other and started doing pirouettes.

Actually, no, the worst part was when Jon Snow began to systematically disable the wildling army by himself and the watchmen behind Jon stood still like a clump of hair. Everything about the wildling attack plan was completely absurd and illogical, from sending people to climb the wall when there is a fucking gate into Castle Black readily available, to having a giant wield a massive bow. This was J.J. Abrams-level stupid here, so much so that when a preview for a new HBO show ran after the episode and it advertised itself as "From the Co-Creator of Lost", I couldn't even laugh at the idea that someone thought this was a toutable factoid.

Wildings give you every opportunity they can to receive an ice facial. Cover your face good womyn.

Building a wall with an easily openable gate in general sounds pretty silly. If you're really intent on preventing people from entering your lands, wouldn't it make more sense to just put up an impenetrable ice wall? It's how Melanie Griffith prevented Antonio Banderas from having sex with her for over thirty years, and the ice wall seems to be decently successful at its tasks.

Maester Aemon Targaryen's conversation with Samwell Tarly was just as disappointing. This man is an important repository of historical information, and all he can do is go and on about some fucking lay he had sixty years ago? Samwell's affection for Gilly seems no more complicated than "I want to protect hurr", and it's a bit weird that after all he has gone through he is still super grossed out by a man getting an arrow through the neck. For godsakes two minutes later he put one in a guy's head.

"Maester, this is hard for me to say, but how do I make my pee-pee feel super warm and juicy?"

There was also something very pretender-y about this entire thing. First of all, it wasn't even the battle. It was only the battle before the battle. Second, there seemed to be no way an outnumbered force could have been victorious. But even more than that, it felt like play fighting. Recently Nirvana was honored at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. Lorde performed "All Apologies", which it turns out was actually a very poorly written song when a super cute blonde guy isn't singing it. This battle felt like that - a reenactment rather than a bloody war.

"Post some of my break-up emails on Jezebel. Goodbye Jon Snow."

When I was meeting Lynne's buddies, I thought of when Jon Snow encountered all of Ygritte's friends: the guy with the beard, the guy with the bald head, the warg, Bates, Anna, Mrs. Hughes. At first Jon did not make a very good impression on them, but this was actually the right move. A woman does not want you to love her friends, she wants you to love her, even/especially at the expense of loving other people. Showing her that you can get along with others only reinforces a view that she is only another person in your life. This theory that I have just detailed explains every single one of Kevin Federline's children.

Ygritte had a decent body and a decent mind. I don't know if Jon really saw a future there, perhaps epitomized by when he had one of his archers kill her. As she was dying, the only thing she cared about was the one of two times when she had experienced unprotected sex with a man, like every woman who has never read Kathy Acker.

This could be a godsend at the border fence between the U.S. and Canada

Now that Jon Snow's OTP has been put on the cold road to becoming the sexiest ginger white walker since that dead older fellow, he is free to put his soda-can shaped penis anywhere he likes. Rumors have persisted that he and Daenerys would make a cute couple, but I actually see him more with Melisandre, or maybe Stannis' daughter, the one with the birth defect. After all, the guy is a bastard, and not much of a military strategist. Have you ever seen the caliber of women that Donald Rumsfeld cheats on his wife with? They make Gilly look like Rachel McAdams, who herself looks like a mannequin.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. Next week's recap of the GoT finale will number over 30,000 words, and undoubtedly contain 7-8 jokes about Cersei Lannister/Janet Jackson concordance. Await that at your own peril.

"You'll Lose A Good Thing" - Lou Ann Barton (mp3)

"Can't Believe You Wanna Leave" - Lou Ann Barton (mp3)

In Which We Romance A Eunuch Of Our Very Own

Mad at Ya

by DICK CHENEY

You know what's super kewt about a Wildling army on the march? They have their own hotelier, the best in the business. Every day you wake up in the Wildling army you have a copy of USA Today at your door, and housekeeping never arrives until you're ready to leave your tent. There's a lot of women in the Wildling army, so you can also be assured of a hot cuddle and perhaps some spelunking in the caves beyond the wall. Game of Thrones always makes me think of how I don't want to ever forget the good times in my life, like when that eunuch who looks like Barack Obama tried to masturbate in the river with his stump.

Couldn't we rule like a nicer place you guys? I hear Mereen has tons of adorable slaves.

Cutting off my balls wouldn't really do much. I keep a spare reserve of sperm in my cheek where a squirrel hides his food for the winter, and there is a second prostate at the base of my neck as well. (What other people call "morning wood" I call an idea.)

Daenerys' obnoxious aide harassing Grey Worm about how much of his dick was left was not her finest moment. She should probably just translate Dany's words into High Valyrian and leave it at that. Instead she was like, "Grey Worm. That name means penis...but what percentage exactly?"

"Roose, your new name is Schenectady Bergsdorf. You will rule the land of Juicy Juice. Now get on your knees."

Given the failings of public education in America we can only depend on constant Thronesing to educate our young ones.  We will repeatedly show them the scene with all those whores. Which scene? There's pretty much one in every episode, so I will leave it up to Lynne. Now that she has seen how castrating Theon Greyjoy is improving him in every way, she wants to do it to our border collie Drachma. I said no, but tbh it wasn't a firm no.

Catelyn Stark's new fashion line is all the rage in Riverrun. It's like she always said: before you go out everyday, remove one accessory, as long as it's not your diaphragm or direwolf. I'll get my coat.

It is impossible to not start to sympathize with the people who try to do positive things without relying entirely on their family name. I have to admit that Sansa's adorable new outfit engendered roughly the same feelings inside me that it stirred in Littlefinger, although this new Shailene Woodley habit she has of talking out of the corner of her mouth sort of makes me wish she had also gone out the Moon Door. Littlefinger amazingly plotted the perfect murder of the King of the Seven Kingdoms but accidentally left a witness to a super casual murder? Just no.

This was roughly the same look Ted Kennedy gave the girl in his car

Sansa's disturbing confession reminded me of the time Donald Rumsfeld weepily confessed to pulling an enemy combatant's heart out of his chest with his bare hands. He then hugged Condi Rice and stared at me like I was next. It was unnerving.

"My lady, wtf happened to your neck? Brb watching Season 1 for a comparison video. We will recast your role if you do not meet our demands. Goodbye."

Apparently from the map of Thronesland Jorah displayed in his cute little outdoor office, Mereen and King's Landing are separated by what appears to be a day's journey. What I don't understand is how he plans to navigate it entirely on horseback.

Yes, Sir Jorah Mormont was unceremoniously banished to Westeros after Barristan Selmy got in his only speaking part in the entire season. It's pretty obvious they shot all Daenery's throne room scenes on the same day given that the Mother of Dragons is also the Mother of Only One Outfit. Emilia Clarke's "acting" in these scenes was roundly terrible; her idea of showing anger is showing her teeth - but that is only a shadowplay a golden retriever makes to try to frighten her enemies (or horny eunuch slaves) away.

So, every single morning after in the Pitt-Jolie bedroom basically?

So after sleeping with every male or female prost in the entire city of King's Landing, Oberyn Martell turned out to be a loving brother and husband. Or was that his sister? I couldn't tell from the way they kissed, which is the way Littlefinger kissed Sansa and the way Ned Stark kissed his mother, Catelyn Stark. Kisses are very confusing in general; I was once kissed by Sarah Palin and I wandered around in a fugue state for days. I think she secretes LSD from her hidden cheek pouch: it would explain a lot.

Is the bug one of Varys' spies? Thinking ahead here.

In general this episode did a great job of making the exciting things boring and the boring things exciting, like when Tyrion touched a bug. (I guess metaphorically he was the bug? The lighting was so dim in his cell I struggled to care about what he was saying, but I sensed it may have been important. For example, could an antidote in the bug restore White Walkers to the humans they were before? Thinking out loud here.)

The battle itself was also a bit anti-climatic. Benioff, Weiss and director Alex Meyer eschewed using music to build the tension, preferring to focus on Tywin and Cersei's reaction to these events. It all came off a bit cold, like maybe the seven gods really were against Tyrion? I guess what I'm saying is that he deserves to die and I hope he burns in hell.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He last wrote in these pages about the second season of House of Cards. You can view an archive of his Thrones reviews here.

"All In My Mind" - James (mp3)

"Quicken the Dead" - James (mp3)

In Which We Celebrate The Return Of Hot Pie With The Same

you incredible selection of man

Kidney Trouble

by DICK CHENEY

A matinee idol can emerge from almost anywhere. His charismatic energy infiltrates every aspect of a scene; his raw sexual charisma pervades each moment. The more that he explains how it is best to take the kidney from the cow when it is very young, the more an elongated shudder of pleasure makes its way through my entire body, stopping at the tip of my penis, what the French call a pènis.  

Oh Hot Pie, you returned to me you swarthy little devil, you culinary genius, you measure of a male chef!

missed u so much. what have you been up to? Will I see you later? Is it really ethical to eat veal? Lots of questions Hot Pie. Let's talk later on your cot in the kitchen.

One of writing's greatest clichés is to have people arguing over what exactly they should call each other. There was famously a Jesse Stone novel where the only dialogue consisted of people calling the main character Mr. Stone, and him correcting them and muttering, "Call me Jesse." There is really nothing in a name, unless the entire point of a name is to explain who someone is because it is too much work to create an actual character.

"Do you know how much syndication revenue I am losing by perishing in a few minutes you ginger scallion pancake!"

Often in real life things are named for other than what they are. This is appropriate unless it is done ironically, like when you call your tall, slim drug dealer Shorty. Don't do that - nickname him after a civil rights leader or a basketball player as God intended. Nicknames, actually, are just as lazy a form of nomenclature, and Thrones has given up on them almost entirely, refusing to make The Onion Knight happen, or to allow Bran to go by his soporific nickname in the novels: Jewbits.

In real life people don't say each other's names very often, except if they are having wintercourse with Jon Snow in a cave: then it's just a given.

Bob Arryn was a super nice guy. He brought donuts to work every day.

The pace of events in the Eeyrie was accelerated by a scene that did not really seem provident for Littlefinger's plans. I don't really know why the absurdly named fellow permitted Lysa Arryn to view him pressing his lips against her alliterative niece's, but considering the Arryns tend to hang out exclusively around the Moon Door, that bit of murder probably could have been accomplished at any time.

An appropriate twist would have had one of the Targaryen dragons swooping in to save her. Daenerys and Lysa could then consummate a turgid romance based on how both of their husbands were poisoned. Twinsies.

Could you not just have run water on the burn?

At least everyone is Mereen is a grown-up. The Hound's pathetic whining about how sadsies his brother made him when he tossed the man into a fire really got on my last nerve, a nerve I had believed destroyed when Lynne informed me that Topanga was not, nor had ever been, a first-rate lesbian.

The Hound knows all about acting like something you are not. What kind of self-proclaimed tough guy sobs about a bite wound? Arya's transformation into a cold-blooded killer is just as unlikely. I mean, we all need to kick back, squeeze our direwolf Nymeria, and ponder why our father was such a naive idiot from time to time. Boy, the Lannisters are fucking terrible at killing Ned Stark's children, aren't they?

We get it, he's actually an inch taller than her so you had to shoot it from a weird angle. The same technique was used to make Patricia Richardson seem shorter than Tim Allen on Home Improvement. OK later.

In King's Landing, Tyrion's sulks have finally started to get to me. This guy has more visitors than Suge Knight. The man who once had a whole city doing his bidding as Hand of the King now has to lazily ask all his friends to fight to the death for him. How about a little self-awareness, buddy? Just nominate Cersei as your champion, two birds with one stone.

It's never too early to integrate pain into your lovemaking.

Benioff & co seem to have taken some of the prudes complaining about the show's excess nudity to heart. They somehow zipped right past an important scene where a recast Daario Naharis made the Queen of Dragons feel like a vibrant young snapchattress again. The old Daario had a sort of clean-shaven creepy thing going on - he even shaved his arms and scrotum for his Queen, which struck me as a courteous touch. The new Daario looks like someone who might approach your girlfriend at a brunch in Williamsburg and tell her that he loves anything that smells like radishes and shoot her a significant look.

"Dario, I remember your dick being a lot tanner. Let's meet at Spoonbill & Sugartown later. I want to pick up a copy of Night Film for Jorah. He's suck a fucking plebe sometimes."

Since we never actually see Daario disrobe and place himself into the Queen, I guess what actually occurs is open to interpretation. I imagine the following circumstances:

Daario leaned over Daenerys. "What are your thoughts on gay marriage?" she whispered to him as her rogue scent infiltrated his nostrils.

"I don't know if I really recognize marriage as a vital concept," he whispered back, rubbing himself against her thigh with slow, meaningful scrapes. "I mean, is God married?"

"God's not like an actual person," she said. "What are you saying?" She put the tip of her pinkie finger on the space under his pènis and wiggled it back and forth, muttering, "Moonwalk," as she did so.

"I know he's not an actual person," the sellsword said. "I just mean, if marriage was so important to him, he probably would have implied it was something he had done." He put her right nipple in his mouth and blew bubbles like you would on a baby's stomach. He hummed the chorus of a Phantogram song and Daenerys groaned.

this is the softest lighting I have seen since the blowjob scene in Buffalo 66

Daario repeated "Is this okay?" six or seven times while entering his Queen. Eventually she put her hand over his mouth and instructed him to rub her clit and stfu. His thrusts began to increase in intensity and depth, until he slowed for a bit and asked, "Do you want me to do to you what Brad did to Angelina?"

She looked at him a bit warily. "Go ahead," she decided.

He pulled himself out of her vagina and made a quick phone call. When he turned back to her, his pènis (PUH-NIS) was soft and dripping come. He wiped it off with an Emily Books t-shirt and said, "OK. My agent cast you in a Disney movie. You're welcome."

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. You can find last week's GoT recap here.

"Beauty Leads the Way" - Jeremy Casella (mp3)

"The City of the Lord" - Jeremy Casella (mp3