In Which We Hesitate To Move Against The Lord Commander

Dear Sam

by DICK CHENEY

Samwell Tarly gets letters.

hey Sam,

I heard you haven't made a move with Gilly yet. You should probably tell her that she excels at lots of things, like washing floors and cleaning up after her incest baby. Women always love a hot compliment, as well as Once Upon A Time. They want to feel like girls again.

P.S. You're a big bag of shit.

Allison in Moat Cailin

such a mediocre face to wake up to  hey Sam,

Boy, you're really getting a lot of mileage out of that one white walker you killed. Even Bran killed a white walker; this is not an accomplishment years later. You can find obsidian at any depth. You look ridiculous.

P.S. Your dad is fantastic.

Nina from the Iron Islands

the dragons are extremely upset they don't get wireless in the dungeon

hey Sam,

Blow me.

hey Sam,

Things really suck in Mereen since they took away the fighting pits. The only thing to do now is cower inside from the local dragon and draw pictures of our queen arranged among sconces. We think she is a really wonderful queen though.

P.S. Stop coddling that girl with the greyscale.

Greg from Hogwarts

"Master Aemon, this one is from a guy in the Citadel who says he misses you. How do I make Gilly love me?"

Approval from Stannis Baratheon is the most serious commendation Samwell has received since Jon Snow told him he was his third best friend, after Mance and the little boy who serves him his lunch.

Somehow J. Snow has arranged it so that he is making a long, arduous trip north with another ginger wildling. Funny how that happens. Fortunately, Stannis is enthralled by Jon Snow's newfound charisma and above-average likeability in polling. He stares at the guy like Bradley Cooper looks at his date at the Met Gala.

I think Jon said Stannis about fifty times in this episode. "Stannis is giving me ships, boyyyyys!"

The most exciting part of last night's episode found Tyrion and Ser Jorah Mormont taking an ill-advised cruise through the doom of Valyria. This environmental catastrophe probably indicates Valyria was at one time Central Europe, since it is filled with sketchy guys looking to steal your gondola. Mormont's fear of pirates was perhaps misplaced; what would they want with a dwarf and the biggest downer since Robb Stark's annoying common-born wife?

Performing CPR on Tyrion's mouth could not have been pleasant.

In the North, Roose Bolton has obviously not learned that remember when is the lowest form of conversation. The guy is incredibly low key and never so much as tortures a woman, but he's humblebragging about sexual violence from 20 years ago? How about a flashback?

Before that we got a lengthy introduction to Ramsay's annoying girlfriend, the one who thinks biting someone's lip makes her more than the kennel chief's daughter. She is only going to end up becoming another notch in Sansa Stark's belt, which irritates me. Like, have Sansa kill Ramsay herself. Don't set up a catfight, that's just annoying.

Damn these people for leading us to expect the return of Sansa's direwolf.

Ramsay has all the subtlety of Aemon Targaryen's blind sexual advances on Jon Snow. He just goes around snarling, informing everyone nastily about what he wants. I can't enjoy broad characters like that. He reminds me of Matlock. I really hope Stannis makes him marry Lady Greyscale or serve as the Onion Knight's secretary/treasurer.

They have a lot to discuss regarding their bad taste in men. I believe Sansa's direwolf was named
Mollycoddle?

It seems like nothing really happens on Game of Thrones anymore. I understand that keeping up the pace of one major character character dying each episode wasn't realistic. I don't give two shits about some guy who looks roughly the same as I do in the mirror (with hair) perishing in Diagon Alley. He was probably going to pass from natural causes very soon in any case. Ser Barristan Selmy should not have been fighting anything except a cold.

I hope she stroked the place where Grey Worm's balls were in the deleted scenes.

Perpetuating the weird romance between Grey Worm and Dany's slave only reminded me how little love is on Game of Thrones. Not one single person besides that eunuch is in love. Everyone I know in the real world is actively in love; in the case of Donald Rumsfeld, love with three remarkably different women. But no one on Thrones can find this happiness at all. If I was David Benioff's boyfriend, I would be deeply afraid.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Something Must Change" - Novella (mp3)

"Sentences" - Novella (mp3)

In Which The Racists In Dorne Never Disappoint

I'll Make Thrones To You

by DICK CHENEY

The new Star Wars trailer came out last week, and it was like the prequels never happened. Harrison Ford appeared to be desiccating slowly into Jabba the Hut, and the rest of it looked like a hot mess as well. Star Wars never had a consistent theme outside of George Lucas's insane passion for random politicals parallels, and the situation in Mereen right now is even more of a thematic disaster. The writing is just so bad across the Narrow Sea. Game of Thrones already has great special effect, so it is missing the other thing that saved Star Wars from becoming Plan 9 from Outer Space: a love story.

"Perhaps. Perhaps." "Perhaps." "Perhaps." "Perhaps perhaps."

I am not even looking forward to the mansplaining to come from Tyrion Lannister about how Daenerys should be ruling Mereen. The number of times Tyrion will say My Lady will probably make Ser Barristan Selmy faint from an overdose of chivalry.

Whether he has truly given up whores or not I don't care. I do know that a love story is infinitely more fascinating than another conversation with Varys where he says perhaps fifty times, and Varys complains about the little guy's drinking. The two of them alone in a carriage to save money on production is more than I can bear. And girl, can you please wear a bra?

There's never been a woman in history, let alone a queen, who has changed her wardrobe this seldom

One thing Game of Thrones almost never has time for is something essential in drama, which is to watch what people do when they are alone. It is what makes watching Arya threatening boys with her shit sword so compelling — she has no one else to rely on, and so must make her own choices. Pairing everyone else up — Bronn and Jaime, Pod and Brienne, Sansa and LF, Jon Snow and Sam leads to twelve different renditions of The Odd Couple: two slightly different people bickering among themselves. It is far easier to write and keep track of such arrangements, but it leads to a simultaneity that jars me like the gross face of Stannis' wife.

Maybe she could have the Sons of the Harpy over for dins. They look hungry. 

I realize that Game of Thrones does have a lot of female characters, which is great and everything considering how bad most of the male ones are. Still, the women do seem to be acting in great haste lately. Cersei's moves are entirely emotional and Daenerys can't drop a No. 2 without getting the advice of some old guy and her boyfriend. Brienne's "plan" to save Sansa Stark consists of going up to them. Wow, how devious. Did Renly teach you that at a gay saloon in Storm's End?

"I know what I'll do. I'll randomly swear loyalty to someone who doesn't even know me!" This show needs Lady Stoneheart, bad.

I don't understand Cersei's moves to stack the King's council, either. I think they should have just recast Jack Gleeson (he played Joffrey) as Tommen, except maybe given him a moustache.

The unceremonius departure of Sir Kevan Lannister was a real kick in the nuts. That guy was pretty cute, maybe the cutest old guy on the show besides Margaery Tyrell's mom. (Where is that old bat? She just straight up disappeared one day after Oberyn Martell had a disagreement with the Mountain.)

Don't go Kevan. We'll give you the honored position of Hand of the Hand of the King.

Jon Snow murdering dudes right as left as Lord Commander has potential, as does the ambiguously sexual relationship he has with his newest charge, who I shall call Lord Molten. (Camile Paglia would be pleased.) I hope Jon eventually comes into conflict with Sam, because the unexplored sexual tension between those two could fill Craster's belly.

YKNJS, the peacocking is getting a bit much. You look like a fat pigeon in the outfit big guy.

Thrones is missing romance right now, the essence which moves us from moment to moment, the substance Chelsea Clinton was sadly born without. Even Sam and Gilly have yet to consummate their love, which should probably have occurred years ago for warmth/survival related reasons.

These days Sam mostly just stands around insisting that he will protect her from guys like Slynt, while it's Jon who does the actual dirty work. I swear to God Samwell hasn't done anything except turn coyly to look behind him since he killed that white walker.

would not be surprised if Melisandre sifts through his stool looking for treats

It's kind of odd how nobody gives a shit about Winterfell anymore. I mean, Ned Stark came across like such a pious ponce and a strong leader, but in the end he just was a dumb shit who let himself get outfoxed. His wife forgot about him in two seconds and his kids aren't exactly aching to retake Winterfell either. With that said, Stannis' annoying illiterate assistant really seems to have been entranced by Jon's brotential. Ser Davos reminds me of a Terry McAuliffe who can't read.

Stannis looked like FDR behind the desk. "I don't punish brave men, I reward them," he said in the tone of someone who has just passed a kidney stone and is happy to be alive. I'm really sad that Stannis can't change from this emasculated state into a real hero. Given that this is Thrones, he's already on death row.

Arya's trip to the House of Black and White exploded HBO's budget and created a lavish setting surround the Braavosi/Israeli stronghold for no real reason. Arya is supposed to become one of these assassins, but in doing so it seems she will have to lose everything that brought her to this point. Bringing back Jaqen H'ghar was kind of a waste of time also, and Maisie Williams looks to have not aged perceptibly in the past five seasons. I hope she meets a cute Jew while she is training to be a Faceless Woman. There's a lot riding on this.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"That's My Shit" - The-Dream ft. T.I. (mp3)

"All I Need" - The-Dream (mp3)

In Which We Take A Pass On Cersei Lannister's Cheekbones

Springtime for Tyrion in Germany

by DICK CHENEY

Game of Thrones
creators David Benioff & D.B. Weiss

There is this scene in Bluebeard where he's casually drawing this detailed sketch of his kid, and his wife is like, why don't you just draw like that all the time, instead of this abstract expressionist business? He says, "Because it's just too fucking easy."

Cersei Lannister has fought for the people of King's Landing.

I could go on and on about Cersei Lannister/Hillary Clinton concordance. I could tell you about the specific alterations to their facial structure that both women have achieved through extensive plastic surgery. But no one cares about the Lannisters anymore; Nikolaj Coster-Waldau looks like he is about to qualify for the early bird breakfast at Perkins, Tyrion's down-on-his-luck act is the drizzling shits, and the only penis I saw during the return of HBO's Game of Thrones was my own.

I guess they forgot Tyrion's nose makeup this season. I'm not complaining.

There is a huge difference between how we view the people who make things happen and people who have things happen to him. I wasn't sure how much I could take of Cersei lounging around in her robes, drinking bad pinot noir and giving Margaery Tyrell stifling looks that remind me of how I once made eye contact with a fey German Shepherd I called Dry Bones.

She has a bright future portraying Carole Lombard in the Lifetime biopics to come.

The time of the Lannisters has come to an end. In their place is the Dragon Queen, who sadly did not use that all important off time between Thronesings to take acting classes. Emilia Clarke's facial expressions consist of the following: consternation, awe and bad gas. Her sad underground visit to prove how even her closest dragons have abandoned her is meant to clear the deck for new friends: I understand she has hired a young, hot campaign director to sell her no-fighting pits platform to the people of Pentos.

Even the showrunners can't keep track of the factions across the narrow sea hahahahahahahaha

Politics used to be the currency by which a Thronesing was properly judged, but now it's just a matter of who has the largest war machine, and also who has that sexy beast Jon Snow on his side. Snow (Kit Harington) actually has improved his acting during these past few months. Instead of sounding like an elephant coughing, he has changed the lilt of his voice so that his accent is tolerably easy to understand.

Kit also never appeared in public, ensuring that no one would find out that the bastard of Winterfell is 5'2" in socks. Hopefully he and Suki Waterhouse can get together in Costa Rica when this show wraps up in 2026.

And that boy grew up to be David Muir.

Unfortunately J. Snow has adopted that annoying George Clooney affectation where he is always looking up at people through his brow. Snow's affection for Mance Rayder was also weak balls, and the sound of the arrow into Mance's heart was roughly synchronized with David Benioff and D.B. Weiss throwing the utter pablum that is A Feast for Crows into the garbage.

It was time to move on and rewrite this into something better. Sure the psychic scene in flashback makes no sense whatsover, but at least we can begin mulling over possible casting choices for Lyanna Stark. (Rumer Willis? Grimes? If she can be black, Angela Bassett?)

The burgeoning romance between Brienne and Podrick will involve so much tickling.

We've received solid word that there will be no Bran in this already cursed season. To HBO's consternation, episodes of the show leaked to the internet from review copies. (Unfortunately they were in standard definition and thus useless for masturbation.) Sure Bran sucked, but he did have a really nice, woodsy smell. That handicapped son-of-a-b always was redolent of pine, peanut shells and B.O.

So we've come to the end of the road. And I can't let go. It's so natural.

It is hard to know which deceased characters the show will really start to miss. Ending the intra-Lannister feuds takes something away for sure. With the entire Iron Islands storyline being shuttled to the GoT spinoff entitled I'm Reek, we have so much more time to spend with Samwell Tarly, an thinspiration to the romantic chances of overweight teens everywhere.

Gilly you're going to be a superstar girl. Somehow knowing you were the victim of incest makes me feel that much more deeply for you, baby.

I have written a GoT/50 Shades crossover where Samwell demands that Gilly stay in a separate bedroom and reveals to her that he is a dominate. His costume will be that of the hamburglar.

Littlefinger loves a good boyfight.

I'm getting to my point. One thing that Game of Thrones had in all the little corners of Westeros was a magnificent penchant for disguise. Certain invididuals were more talented than others at seeing things as they are. By uncovering deception, they kept themselves alive in a difficult world. Now it seems only Arya can walk in dangerous places without fear, and the rest might as well be wearing a big target that says 'Kill me.' We demand mystery in all things; even in our leaders. Also we need them to be a smidge over 5'2".

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

I was paid nothing for this cameo.

"Last Light" - Zero 7 ft. Jose Gonzalez (mp3)

"Crush Tape" - Zero 7 (mp3)