In Which We Don't Want You To Say Her Name Again

General Mopeybrr Is Still Kewld

by DICK CHENEY

My hope that Jon Snow was going to die in his quest for obsidian was in vain. During the white walker attack, Jon — like any leader — spent the majority of the battle soulfully looking into the eyes of his opposing number. This was a tactic Robert E. Lee popularized at the Battle of Gettysburg until Ulysses S. Grant sent him a note informing him the staring made things a wee bit uncomfortable.

I can't help but think of all the time that Jon could have been saving that lovely woman's children instead of locking eyes with his counterpart. Jon's naivete is only eclipsed by the stupidity of the wildlings. They have a giant and uniforms (??) but they don't put scouts anywhere further than a few feet outside their camp?

Lieutenant Janice Winterbottom just shattered into a million pieces. Poor guy.

More impressive was how Torvald went from Jon's fiercest enemy to his absolute best friend in what seemed like mere seconds. The suggestions of homosexuality perpetuated by a now-deceased wildling leader may have just been a bit too on the nose. (King Crow also seems like a slur to me.) We still have a long way to go in accepting a strong gay hero, although I guess there was Top Gun.

As exciting as the white walker attack was, I don't understand why everyone didn't just move into the shallow water. It seems like water is a lot easier to find than dragonglass, so I suggest they arm the men of the Night's Watch with rompers and super soakers. It is a little dull to watch an enemy that is basically a zombie horde, so I enjoyed the debut of the white walker general, who I have named General Mopeybrr Coldpenis D.M.D. He reminds me of Olaf during contract negotiations on Frozen 2: Still Kewld.

Senator Coldpenis, I presume?

It was a little disappointing to watch the show create a great female character and then murder her one episode, but I guess they felt it might overshadow Sansa's weekly sexual assault. They don't even show it anymore, and somehow a scene depicting Tommen's hunger strike or Kevan Lannister refusing Cersei did not make it to air.

I liked that guy! He bought four oysters, and they were delicious!

These important developments had to be shunted to an offscreen role because we had to hear what Tyrion and the Dragon Queen finally would say to each other. The conversation went something like this:

DT: What do you think I should do with this orangutan?

TL: A queen that kills monkeys is not a queen that inspires the devotion of monkeys.

DT: Perhaps. What do you think I should do with this quiche?

"When I killed my father I had the briefest flatuence. I will tell you all about it over a cornish hen."

TL: For that answer, I'll need a 1996 Cabernet.

DL: You look cute, but you sure talk a lot about how you murdered your parents.

TL: Perhaps.

DL: Why did they cancel Mindy Kaling's show?

TL: She asked for too much money.

Dany's somewhat anti-climactic line about how she is going to break the wheel aside, her vision of restoring economical equality to Westeros was very noble. She's like the William Jennings Bryan of the Narrow Sea. She even looks like him!

Hopefully Tyrion is only the first member of the Dragon Queen's small council. Varys will swish his way onto the scene at some point, and what about that particularly introspective prostitute from season two? You don't think Tyrion suddenly became celibate now that the women of Mereen are open to his particular advances, do you? If they abandon Tyrion's chance at a real romantic relationship, I will never forgive GRRM.

Good thing Jon Snow got on that last boat. What would we do without his Jennifer Aniston haircut and pathetic simpering?

But seriously, I hope this is the last we see of the land beyond the wall. Mance Rayder was super annoying and old, and the rest of the wildings weren't much better. They only have one giant, and the exteriors were simply depressing.

Still, I am forced to admit that last night's episode was absolutely fantastic compared to the mess of the season it has been so far. I didn't even mind so much when Samwell Tarly was turning Gilly's near death into something that happened to him, or letting her heal the scrape on his face when it's been like, two weeks.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

Oh Jesus is he four?

"Birds of Films" - Sun Kil Moon (mp3)

"With A Sort of Grace I Walked To The Bathroom To Cry" - Sun Kil Moon (mp3)

In Which This Is Not The Sex We Were Promised Gilly

You're Hurting Me

by DICK CHENEY

I can make a short list of all the things I eagerly anticipated that did not live up to the hype:

Jurassic Park 3
The return of Arrested Development
Tidal
Wii U
heroin

and now sex between Samwell Tarly and his girlfriend Gilly. What happened, if you missed it, was terrible. She gave him one kiss (no tongue), climbed on top of him after shifting her underwear to the side, and said, "Am I hurting you?" in the voice I use when I am asking Lynne if there is any piaya left over from last night.

I really hope she has bathed in the last five months.

Sam let out a small moan. I don't suppose the incest sex Gilly had beyond the wall consisted of her straddling Craster and asking him if her vagina gave him pain. After Sam saved her from what was at the very least looking like a menage a trois, the least she could do is tousle his hair slightly as she was riding him.

"SAM AM I HURTING YOU. AM I HURTING YOU!?!?!?!"

Undoubtedly this was Sam's first time. I would have serious problems if my virginity was taken just as soon as I had gotten my ass kicked. It sets a really bad precedent; e.g. are we only going to get down when some dude kicks me hard in the face?

Sam wasn't the only one not fully being pleased by his partner. Dany has to have sex with the man who is undoubtedly the worst actor in all of Mereen. He mansplains how to be a queen to her right after sex. Do you think after Lynne and I spent hours doing tantric to postpone the inevitable splashdown that Lynne was like, "You know, Dick, you should really slaughter a bunch of Iraqis?"? No. She said what any loving wife would say: "Thank you for the mess."

Khal Drogo would have loved this little guy. RIP Khal Drogo.

Pretty soon the Dragon Queen won't need his advice anymore. She will have Tyrion Lannister to give her the straight scoop on King's Landing: "Where does Jon Snow like to go to for dins?" "Where are all the cutest places to shop along the Kingsroad?" "Was Aemon Targaryen a flaming homosexual and was his boyfriend Ned Stark's dad, Tevye 'Juniorfell' Stark?" It's a rich lore we are dealing with here.

Now that the books have basically been ground up in the shredder and George R.R. Martin is more focused on empanadas than writing, we can start to really enjoy not knowing what is to come. Cersei's imprisonment in the Sept was the last thread of the novels, and it will be great fun because I am super sick of her collagen lips and frozen hair style. Margary Tyrell has never looked so good, I sort of understood why Tommen fell in love with her.

You know, irony usually takes more than ten minutes to unfold unless you're Amy Winehouse.

Stannis' move on Winterfell seems kind of silly now. He should have just sailed south. I mean who is actually going to mount a defense of King's Landing — the people who committed incest or lied are in jail. The only person left over would have been Ser Podrick, but he's not even around.

I really hope he gets the chance to play Hitler before a Sansa Stark fangirl assassinates him in 2025.

Littlefinger's cute scene with Dame Tyrell notwithstanding, I guess the idea is to make Jonathan Pryce a villain worth cutting down? He seems kind of morally ambiguous though. I mean, are we supposed to room for Team Thincest? I am confused by these moral boundaries, especially when Jonathan Pryce is giving speeches that are literally word-for-word articles from the pages of The Nation.

Sansa's reaction to her wedding night was a little patronizing. Asking a man to help her, especially one as narratively impotent as Theon, will be even more annoying if he is finally the principal who ends Roose Bolton's flaying ways. I don't like Roose, but that old woman he skinned looked a lot better without her epidermis than with it.

He's not going to be able to ever be pleased by a woman after this. Those Sand Snakes are just the best.

In Dorne, Bronn sang a song to a beautiful maiden. She used a poison known as The Long Farewell on him, which is actually the same potion I used to disassemble Ronald Reagan when his anti-abortion speeches started getting tone-deaf. I understand he thought a fetus was a child, but when I asked him to prove it, he just ate peanut M&Ms and watched Welcome Back, Kotter.

Provable facts are all I am interested in now. Subtlety and inneundo are completely lost in Game of Thrones, but this is simply because they have vanished in the real world. I still have questions about I, Claudius, as to what parts of the story are true. But with Game of Thrones the only question I have ever had is, "Would it be hard to bring myself to orgasm with my left hand if I lost my right in a welding accident or if Melisandre needed my blood for a potion?"

He may never have wintercourse again.


The story of Bronn settling in Dorne and having a beautiful young family with the girl who exposed herself to him is the kind of subplot Game of Thrones sorely needs. There has to be some coming together. It can't all be constantly only falling apart.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Bronze Head" - My Brightest Diamond (mp3)

"Apparition" - My Brightest Diamond (mp3)

In Which We Do Not Envy Anyone Except Bronn

Rompers

by DICK CHENEY

It is not easy being a blogger, but it is a lot better than being Sansa Stark. Before I recapped Game of Thrones to while away the remaining years of my retirement, I worked in the White House where I was a part of several prominent conspiracies, I use the term 'conspiracy' in its most literal sense, because the most I ever accomplished in whispers was to get a young Hawaiian kid with a ton of political promise addicted to smoking, and pay women to dump Joe Biden for the last forty years.

If you know someone's weakness, then you own them. Here are some weaknesses I have noticed in people over the years:

Clint Eastwood: neckbeard
Monica Lewinsky: regular orgasms
Frankie Muniz: crack
Jesus: attention
Bethenny Frankel: rompers
George Michael: condoms or cousins, depending on the GM
Ed Sheeran: pubes are neon

tyrion lannister: valentines

Bill de Blasio: hates actually making decisions
Chris Evans: loves baby food
Helen Mirren: whores

Sansa Stark: people being meansies

Jon Snow: black and white cookies
George R.R. Martin: writing
Cersei Lannister: Monty Python
Sir Kevan Lannister: love of Casterly Rock's numerous panini restaurants

You see how I started things off by taking shots at prominent Democrats, but then by the end I was making trenchant commentary about GoT?

That's a cute wheelchair. He's the Stephen Hawking of Dorne.

The New York Post and certain other publications for reasons too stupid to understand are no longer printing the word whore. Instead they write w---e, as if we will not know exactly what is being talked about. Any legitimate journalist outlet which censors words for any reason should shut down. Hope this leads to the end of Anne Lamott's career.

Tyrion Lannister has no problem saying the w word. In a pinch, he will begin spontaneously humble-bragging about his penis, which he has named Tuesday Held. My younger readers probably don't remember Tuesday Weld. When Stanley Kubrick asked Ms. Weld to play the part of Lolita, she told him, "I don't need to play the part of Lolita, I am Lolita." Peter Dinklage would make a fantastic Humbert Humbert.

A young girl with a touch of incest and zero self-awareness. Run.

Instead he has been abducted by the Onion Knight's best buddy, creating the first workable beginnings of the alliance between Stannis Baratheon and the Targaryens. (Please include the previous sentence somewhere in my eulogy. TY) I foresee Jorah ruling the fighting pits by giving all his opponents greyscale and insisting that Stannis will love them despite it.

Jaime and Bronn's dumb sally into Dorne more resembles The Three Amigos than anything else. Watching Jaime's lame sword-play makes it seem ridiculous that he could fend off any trained warrior for more than a minute, let alone several with whips reminiscent of a young Jamie Dornan. I guess maybe they took pity on him.

Scene from Harper Lee's next novel To Kill A Gay

Things go even worse for the Tyrells. The old woman's husband is destined to become one of the many faces the Braavosi rely upon to blow bubbles on the stomachs of young children in order to enshre regular tickles. Incidentally, the tickling industry has a powerful lobby, and Gwyneth Paltrow has an annual tickle spend of £2.2 million. Imagine how much Rachel McAdams' husband has to spend on her tickles. It would be ludicrous if it wasn't completely believable.

feels like there are very few playful tickles in Braavos.

As for Ser Loras: my sympathy extends only so far. Renly Baratheon's sexuality was fairly fluid. If my readings of the companion graphic novel to A Song of Ice and Fire are correct, he slipped Brienne a French kiss from time to time as well. No man can entirely resist the appeal of a woman. Let's get real: even the foulest female smells like vanilla in the summertime. Ser Loras, however, wasn't about that life. He thought that women — including his own sister — were the grossest. Margaery's lack of inner beauty may legit be the reason Loras was gay.

As for Sansa, she was completely savvy in one scene and an utter dunce in the next. She could not really think talking about Tyrion in a favorable way was the best of ideas. I don't want to victim blame, but could she not just have tickled her way out of this situation? It worked for Anita Hill.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Moonlight" - Young Wonder (mp3)