In Which We String Them Along For Years

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I have had a long-time platonic friendship with a guy I will call Bernard. When we met we were both in relationships with other people and we supported each other and gave advice. Over Christmas Bernard informed me that he has feelings for me.

I don't want to lose Bernard as a friend and although I am not technically in a relationship right now, I may be soon and I want it see where it goes.

What can I say to Bernard without losing his friendship?

Kayla I.

Dear Kayla,

If you really reciprocated Bernard's feelings, you would be open to what he is bringing up. The fact that you are looking for a way out indicates that this move failed miserably from Bernard's perspective. He probably had this in mind from the moment he met you. He waited for you to become single and he prayed you had not put him in the friendzone. 

Bernard played his cards absolutely wrong, and he will suffer for his choice from a jury of his peers. If you really want to keep this guy hanging on, you will have to lie. Tell him that you're confused about what you feel and make sure he knows that you're involved with someone else right now but you don't know what is going to happen. He will cling to these vague promises of hope and you will be able to control him for upwards of another year. If he presses you on what you're feeling, explain that the timing is wrong. With this meager validation, he will probably be subdued off for a period. 

Keeping him around long term will be more difficult. You will have to back him off a bit by claiming your new boyfriend knows there has been feelings between you two. After this distance occurs, he will be overjoyed to be brought back into the fold as a friend, since the alternative has been made perfectly clear: he was almost dismissed from your life entirely. 

See what kind of interest he would have in potentially picking up your dry cleaning.

Hi,

Since I was dumped by my girlfriend over Thanksgiving, I have tried to launch myself back into the world of online dating. The women I meet seem really flighty and it is clear they have many options. It's most important to me to find a genuine, loyal human being who I can spend the rest of my life with. We'll grow into old age with one another, travel around the world and enjoy each other's company. Are there better places to meet someone new than this disgusting online situation?

Trent S.

Dear Trent,

Despite your proclamations that all you want is something serious with the right person, I am sure you are not open to this with every woman you meet. For a relationship to work, both parties have to believe that they are the lucky ones: in other words, that each has selected a fantastic partner that they are lucky to be with. 

In order for you to receive that feeling from someone else, she cannot be too interested: otherwise it would be clear that she is the lucky one and you are just a good thing happening to someone else. Men who believe women are inattentive to their positive qualities are usually very judgmental about the same qualities when looking for someone else. You're not going to find a replica of your last relationship, at least not right away, and the fact that you haven't taken any time for yourself indicates you are probably not ready for what you say you desire.

It really doesn't matter where you meet someone you love.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Come Back From The Dead Partly Alive

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

An ex-boyfriend of mine who I will call Eamon recently became single after a relationship he was in that lasted just over a year. I still think about Eamon a lot but my girlfriends have encouraged me to put the past behind me and suggested that if I approach him now, he will just be on the rebound.

The reason Eamon and I broke up in the first place was mainly due to fighting. I was far less mature and I think I could communicate a lot better now after a couple of years in therapy.

Is there any good way to handle this or should I just forget about it?

Priya D.

Dear Priya,

Forcing a man backwards is a tricky situation, so it's a good thing you asked us about this before doing something stupid like messaging him on facebook and saying, "I see u not w/ur gurl anymore, sup?" That would have been tragic for so many reasons.

The best course of action you can possibly pursue here is to get Eamon involved in your life for some peripheral reason. You need his "help" with something. Depending on what his job is, there is no end to the kind of fake advice you can fake solicit from a man. After he "helps" you, thank him profusely and promise him dinner or a nice bottle of wine or something. He will get the hint after that if he is interested. It will give you a chance to suss out his feelings as well.

There is no such thing as a rebound relationship; only a woman insufficiently interesting to demand real commitment.

Hi,

Is there any way to permanently change the destructive behavior of someone you love?

I really want to spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, who I will call Marjorie. But when I think about the next forty or so years of my life spent with her being ten minutes to a half an hour late every time we plan to meet, I want to throw myself off the Empire State building. I realize the problem may be partly in myself as well. Even when I try to show up the same amount of late so that we will arrive somewhere at the same time, I inevitably am there substantially before her arrival.

If I could fix this one thing, everything would be perfect, I swear.

Marc J.

Dear Marc,

Can you train a person as if they were a dog? Absolutely: but a dog will never resent you for the instruction, she will just give you soft kisses and ask for a treat. It is more likely that a human being might cock their head askew and ask what is so wrong it should be fixed in such a fashion.

As with any bad behavior, it is better to catch this early. If you are not there a half hour after you said you would be, Marjorie would never have learned it is OK to be this late with someone.

You should probably find out if she does this with other people or if it is just you whose time she has no respect for.

Now that the behavior is so thoroughly ingrained, she is never going to change it consciously. You can try no-showing a few times and see where it gets you. When she asks you where you went, just say that you figured she forgot and went home. Or you decided to do something else. She won't get upset — how can she? It is so obvious that this is all her fault, for being ten minutes late.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Have Definitely Come To Love Susan

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I have been dating my girlfriend Susan for over a year and I can't shake the feeling that something isn't quite right. Don't get me wrong - we get along great and have so much in common. At times she feels like she is a part of my family because she gets along with my sisters and parents so damn well.

We did have a weird incident where she accused me of cheating. I know she has trust issues but it completely was not true at all and she jumped to conclusions about some texts I had received. Essentially, an ex was texting me and I could have just deleting what was written but I forgot. Susan made it sound like there was still some reason I had it on my phone, when there wasn't.

It is not so much that which bothers me as the fact that maybe there could be someone out there better even though I definitely love Susan. What is wrong with me?

David P.

Dear David,

There comes a time in every man's life when he thinks, I would do anything to be with this woman forever because the prospect of finding someone new sounds like the drizzling shits to me. You are obviously not at that stage yet.

It is best to do something to test your appreciation of Susan without dumping her and ending up regretting it. A few women will allow you to couple with them again after such an event, but most can never bear the sight of your face again.

Things that you can do to evaluate the depths of your love include taking a trip by yourself someone for reasons. How often do you think of Susan? How often do you think of her as God made her? How often do you think of Hillary Clinton's e-mails? How often do you think that masturbating is wrong and effectively punishable by a trip to hell?

The answers, respectively, are not much, a few times, frequently, and from time to time.

Hi,

My new boyfriend Keith is a great guy. He is very well-read, though and never lets you forget it. When he met my mom, he talked about Spenser for like fifteen minutes. Books are kind of his passion; often when we're together he will read quietly for long periods. Sometimes this isn't so bad - it's better than hearing about Spenser, for example. But I'm starting to wonder if he maybe needs someone who shares his hobby. I like to read, but am I wrong to think this is extreme?

Jana S.

Dear Jana,

One person's dream is usually someone else's nightmare. Bradley Cooper talks about the theater all the time, a fact his previous girlfriend found dreadful and a situation which I assume was the thinspiration for your question.

In High Fidelity, Nick Hornby whined for upwards of thirty pages... wait, sorry I'm talking about a book. There was a movie, too. John Cusack was upset because his girlfriend, who weirdly never was in another movie after that, didn't share his same hobbies. The odd part of it was his only discernible hobby was listening to music, which can be done conveniently during other activities, like protests against the police or masturbation.

It seems like if Keith takes the humblebragging too far in front of other people, there is a subtle way to reel him back in. Try these words, "Keith, wasn't Spenser a murderer? No? I thought I read that. I refuse to read the words of murderers. Are you sad Marco Polo was canceled, or did you think it looked as fucking stupid as I did?" Problem solved.

As for the actual reading itself, just read the internet while he is doing this or watch Rachel Maddow.

Hey,

Is total silence during an orgasm normal? It's not a very gratifying absence of sound to hear.

Alexis T.

Dear Alexis,

I have heard a variety of noises which sufficiently signify for orgasms. Here are some of the best and some of the worst.

Excellent: barking, meowing, reciting the Star Spangled Banner

Mediocre: singing, talking like Chappie, whistling

Pretty Bad: humming, whistling songs, doing that annoying heart-pounding thing from The Wolf of Wall Street

Horrendous: silence, talking about the perils of taxation, death

Encourage your partner to make all noises he wants. Most people learn to be quiet when they masturbate so as not to alert others to what they are doing, and bad habits stick around longer than good ones. 

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.