In Which We Try Not To Make This More Than It Was

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My friend Sheila is getting married in January to a guy she met on an online dating website. I haven't spent much time with them as a couple, but from what I have seen they get along really well and he's a genuinely nice person who cares a lot about Sheila. With that said, I have only socialized with both of them a handful of times.

Sheila recently approached me and confessed a number of hesitations about the wedding. She is worried that she and her fiancee don't have enough in common, and wonders if she is moving a bit too fast. I told her it was just cold feet, but she wants to talk to me about it again soon and I feel like I need a better answer for her. Do I blindly push her towards the altar or give credence to her concerns?

Teresa T.

Dear Teresa,

I remember when I used to date online; like half my dates informed me with a straight face that they were taking improv classes.

Marriage is a serious commitment, but moreso for a man than a woman, because Halle Berry is one of only twenty-five women in the entire country to pay child support. But seriously, Sheila can always get an annulment, unless she actually believes the death do us part bullshit.

If she doesn't marry him, the relationship is pretty much over. There js no coming back from that, even if you explain to the groom that "you just need more time." Eminem was married once, and he seemed happier single. Some people are just afraid to be alone I guess.

I would lie to your friend and tell her everything will be fine. If it does work out, you will be the heroine who encouraged Sheila at her darkest moment. And if it doesn't work out, you can be damn sure she will blame him and not you.

Hi,

My daughter recently became pregnant by her longtime boyfriend, Anthony. They decided that they should get married and had a bridal shower, bachelor party and a lovely wedding. The expense to our family was considerable, and even more so because my husband recently had to take a lower-paying job.

Last month I found out from my daughter that her and Anthony had not actually gotten legally married in this ceremony. When I confronted her about this lie, she blew me off and told me that "marriage means different things to different people." Am I right to be upset?

Louisa F.

Dear Louisa,

No. The American Wedding Industry exists to take money from vulnerable, naive individuals such as yourself. Did you know that in some cultures, such as those of the Incans, a married couple was required to administer blow jobs to everyone who showed up at their nuptials? A gift bag was also provided.

You gave a gift of your own free will. If it was conditional on something, you should not have given it. If it bothers you that much, ask for your money back. You won't get it, but everyone will know you're an insanely gullible person whose devotion to cultural norms will only be eradicated through shock therapy or divorce.

Lately, people have been asking me a lot, "How do I know when it is the right time to marry my partner?" The answer is twofold:

1) when you can't imagine life without them

2) you ask them if they want to watch Scorpion, and they say, "What's that?" or "No"

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

 

"Whispers" - Tina Dico (mp3)

"You Don't Step Into Now" - Tina Dico (mp3)

In Which We Understand This Is Difficult Guys

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

Bottom line, I'm with my girlfriend because she's overweight. Or at least, that's how we met. I'm attracted to women of her shape and size, and so was immediately drawn to her for that reason. But of course, in the time we've been dating, I've fallen in love with her for many other reasons. When people ask us how we met, or what attracted us to one another at first, it's awkward. I don't want to lie, but I also feel like the truth is unacceptable. Please help.

Alan B.

Dear Alan,

Acceptable or not, the truth will always be set free. You, my friend, need own up to your personal tastes with finesse. Not the type of finesse where you find yourself resembling Matthew McConaughey pounding his chest in front of Leonard DiCaprio, hair perfectly coiffed. 

Your significant other might suspect something is up if she finds out you've been hiding. Women are intuitive and know when things are awry. A myriad of problems will arise if you continue to clench your secret, which will ultimately ruin your chances of her ever putting out in addition to other things. For example, she'll stop crooning Natalie Imbruglia in your ear in her underwear. Your chances of her suggesting bottomless Sunday brunches are pretty much over.

You can't mask your insecurities with more lies. The relationship you two have built over time is something to be proud of. Accept your love for larger women with grace and eloquence. If not, then it's probably best to weep in the corner of a Barnes and Noble with a copy of The Surrendered by Chang-rae Lee.

Hi,

I started using Tinder last week and it was my first time using the app. All my buddies rave about it as being the best app to meet girls, so I went for it. I went on a few dates with this one girl, and she seemed distant and uninterested, but would end up being an exuberant person via text. I have no interest in seeing her for the next date that we planned. I'm being honest with myself and don't see our relationship going anywhere. I want to express it to her in the most gentle way possible without being offensive. How should I approach this? Should I call her? The thing is, I don't want to hear the sound of her voice. 

Kenny C.

Dear Kenny,

You didn't have a great time, yet you planned another date. What happened there? Did she insist upon it? Were you swayed by her superior texting skills? Did you just not want to let her down? If so, it might be worth exploring why you're so intent on saving face.

It's Tinder, for god's sake. It's not like you bumped into each other on the street and discovered you'd both been listening to the same Celine Dion hit, wondering if this could be the day you meet The One. No. You both used an app that allows people to hook up with one another based on their proximity and selfie skills. Don't make this into more than it was.

At this point, you don't owe her more than, "Thanks for meeting up with me last week, but I really don't see this going anywhere. BFFs?" Chances are she'll be like, "God I'm so glad I don't have to waste my superior texting skills on you for another minute, peasant." Poof. You're free.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

 

In Which We Accept That You May Require Different Remedies

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My boyfriend Aaron and I have been seeing each other for six months after meeting on Tinder. He is something of a nervous guy at times, never more so than when we are being intimate. He is extremely well-endowed so has nothing to worry about on that front. Still, he gets a little anxious and as we start, begins narrating every aspect of ahat is happening. The amount of apologies on offer is amazing, but quickly gets old. If my head is accidentally bumped he will stop completely and ask me if I am OK. Once, completely unprompted, he left to get me ice.

I have tried to talk to Aaron about this, but even after I explained, he looks verbally constipated during sex and I can tell he's not himself. Is it possible to get him over this hump?

Lucianne R.

Dear Lucianne,

I despise puns.

Some men are brought up to think women are very delicate. At the same time, they ignore pretty clear evidence that Angelina Jolie keeps the souls of the men she couples with. Do you think she was like, "Hey Brad, I'm heading for your anus" on that fateful first date? Some things are better when you don't know about them beforehand, like Ellie Goulding and the Batmobile.

I suggest physical intervention in this case. Aaron won't shut up, but he probably wants to, so put your finger on his lips and shush him as you take over. Failing that, cover his mouth and nostrils tightly. When he begs for his life, remind him, "I thought I told you to close your trap."

If you are keen on a more psychological approach, tell him a story about a friend named Marcia Hamsbottom who had an ex-husband who would not stop quoting The Big Lebowski, no matter how many times she told him she hated it. If he says that the name Hamsbottom sounds made-up, wonder aloud how he has not heard of RCA recording artist Duracell Hamsbottom. I think he was in Outkast?

Hi,

My girlfriend Anne really loves to discuss political issues. Sometimes these arguments can get a bit out of hand; to a certain extent I have gotten used to leaving emotion of such discussions, but when we are socializing with friends or family, Anne is just as vociferous about her views. I'm not trying to change who she is, and I really don't mind. But these arguments lead to conflict that gets us not invited to places and affects other people's enjoyment of these events.

Anne seems to understand that everyone does not share her views, and I don't think she holds grudges or even argues in anger. What can I do to alleviate this situation?

Markel S.

Dear Markel,

People who are confused about their views are far less likely to articulate them to others. You need to cloud Anne's thinking on a number of issues, and a subscription to National Review isn't going to get the job done.

If necessary, approach her from the left and right on each issue. Make her feel like she isn't going far enough - she is already advocating for taking rich people's hard-earned money; why not their houses, cars, and children too? If she feels like her views mean that she is going to have to be the mom of some insolent teen portrayed by Amanda Bynes, she's going to have reexamine her viewpoints closely. Playing the devil's advocate is just a gaudy old-fashioned way of saying you're a professional troll.

Then again, the last person who did the wrong thing for the right reasons ended up married to George Clooney.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

"Put Your Number In My Phone" - Ariel Pink (mp3)

"One Summer Night" - Ariel Pink (mp3)