In Which We Build Up A Bit Of Steam

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My girlfriend of a few months Vanessa is a very sweet-smelling person. She takes a lot of time and pride in her appearance and I for one think she looks fantastic.

Recently we have begun experimenting with a few new sexual positions, and I have noticed than I can detect a strong smell coming from that region.

It is difficult to know exactly what I am smelling, but it is troubling to continue to completion with the everpresent odor. Is there any way to tell her about this, or is sex like the puppies do pretty much not in my future?

Andy G.

Dear Andy,

Congratulations. A woman has permitted you to enter into the sphere of her intimacy. You must be very proud. Handling any noxious smell coming from your partner is a tricky business. If you rectify the situation, you are probably just making it easier for him or her to sex other people.

If you really want to fix this specific problem, you are going to have to get her to notice the smell. So encourage her to bring a strap-on into your love making, and prepare for life as a bottom. No, you don't want to do that? Just maybe, neither does she.

 

Hi,

I met my boyfriend Lincoln two years ago through mutual friends. He is kind, caring and very attentive. We have a lot of fun when we are together.

A friend of Lincoln has encouraged him to get involved with his church. I saw nothing wrong with this but recently he encouraged Linc to attend a singles event so he could meet a fellow Christian. This surprised me, because even though I do not attend church on a weekly basis, I do consider myself a Christian.

I kind of blew up at Lincoln when I found out about this, which was maybe not the best move. Certain words were thrown around; I may have claimed to be a god. I don't want to stop him from being involved in the church, but what if this kind of stuff keeps happening?

Adeline P.

Dear Adeline,

Complaining about Lincoln's friend or dissing his new church is only going to start trouble. You need find out what the opiate of the masses is in this case, and give him a similar but different experience. Has he tried molly or cocaine?

A man needs something else in his life. For George Stephanopolous, it was his local salon. For Tony Hawk, it was his beautiful children. For Steve Jobs, it was being a total asshole to everyone he knew. Simply replace his faith in our Lord with a greater faith. I hear The Wire was just remastered in high definition. Also, that Tea Leoni show would convince anyone that there is no God.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

"But It's Hard To" - Tigers on Trains (mp3)

"Stalking My Pulse" - Tigers on Trains (mp3)

In Which We Play Dumb Or A Role

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My boyfriend Tim wants to start roleplaying. I think we've always had a very satisfying sex life, and I think that dressing up would embarrass me - and that I wouldn't be able to get in the mood. How do I tell him thanks, but no?

Elena A.

Dear Elena,

Very few people want to actually dress up and portray characters or archetypes in the bedroom, although it was the foundational aspect of Andrew Sullivan's sex life in the 1990-2000 period. Usually someone will bring up this concept for a different reason.

"Roleplaying" is a way to introduce advanced sexual concepts under the guise of play. These concepts can include S&M fantasies, visions of being the host of Meet the Press, or you calling your boyfriend (Tim? WTF is he in third grade) something paternal/paternalistic or more rarely, maternal/maternalistic. Roleplaying doesn't always involve actual dressing up.

It's best to just cut to the chase and ask your boyfriend what he wants you to call him during sex. If he answers, "Sergey Brin," leave the country.

 

Hi,

This started eight months ago when I met a guy who I will call Jeff online. We really hit it off and we were talking quite frequently despite living in different cities. Eventually we decided that I should come and visit him. Our first meeting was great and just seemed like a continuation of our online communication.

Jeff makes references to past relationships, although since we were just getting to know each other, I did not wish to pry. After that weekend, Jeff confessed that he was divorced and that he was not interested in getting married again. I asked him what he was interested in and he said that he wasn't sure, that he had done the long distance thing before and wasn't very successful at it. At the same time he expressed a desire to keep seeing me.

In the intervening months, I have tried to be more protective of our feelings. Jeff has come to my city to visit me and for the most part we have a great time with very little meta-relationship talk, as he seemed to request. Am I right to be taking this at his pace, or should I just bail?

Andrea R.

Dear Andrea,

Learning all about someone from the person themselves leaves many blind spots open, Andrea. You need a third party who can give you a better view of Jeff. See if you can make up a reason to have a conversation with one of his friends: maybe a buddy is an industry peripheral to yours, and you can claim you are only looking for some general advice.

With that said, you can't necessarily assume there is any foul play involved. Men will say a lot of things; just because he's not considering marriage now doesn't mean the idea is permanently dead to him. Even lemmings have to be coaxed into heading for a cliff, but once they build up some momentum, death is a sweet release.

Demanding a commitment is the surest way not to get one. Make sure Jeff knows you are exploring other options and he will quickly ask you not to be if he cares that much. If he doesn't ask, then you know he doesn't care.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

"The Disease" - Angels and Airwaves (mp3)

In Which We Reconsider The Niceties Of Today

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

Aaron has been dating my friend Katy for just short of two years. She loves him dearly and sees a future for them together. They are both in their late twenties. Recently, Aaron told me in confidence that his Italian-born parents want him to take a long trip to Italy and "find a wife there." I guess this is something of a tradition. He has had some great experiences with his family in Italy and he confessed that it is something he has considered. 

I recently observed someone ask Aaron whether he had a girlfriend, and he said yes, "She is really nice." This struck me as true but also a bit underwhelming. Do I tell Katy any of this, and how do I advise Aaron?

Priya C.

Dear Priya,

That's how someone would describe material possessions, like a soft pashmina or an adopted pug, not a significant other. There's definitely a lack of passion in his cadence and demeanor. According to his missteps, the red flags line up perfectly. One, he doesn't love Katy enough and is already resorting to flying out to Italy. Two, a part of him still wants to please his parents to fill a void (i.e. parents never got him the Yorkshire terrier he wanted on his 5th birthday). 

When we were younger, my parents knew my brothers and I weren't going to have traditional marriages. Not every parent is going to let their child run into the wild to figure their own romantic endeavors. They fully accepted the upcoming cultural and generational shifts. Marriage is just the cherry on top for them. I rolled merrily along with my life and didn't expect anything of it until I met a girl in college who had an arranged marriage. She fell in love with him as time went on, but it was an unusual and fortunate circumstance not everyone is so lucky to have. 

Aaron should fully accept the full responsibility of what is to come. If he is percolating the idea of flying to Italy quite heavily then he should tell how Katy how he really feels about her. More importantly, ask him if Katy is his soulmate, or if the timing is right, "his soulsies."

Hi,

I was recently talking with my boyfriend about 9/11. He explained that he had been a freshman in college when the attack occurred, and described some of the things that happened at his Ivy League school during the attack - people crying, others screaming in shock and trying to reach their loved ones. Unfortunately all I could think about as he was telling this story is how I was in fourth grade when this happened. Before this anecdote, our age difference did not seem so important, but now I can't get it out of my mind. What should I do?

Martha S.

Dear Martha,

You are correct in stating that anyone who was in college during 9/11 is old, perhaps too old for you. In order to verify your hypothesis, here are some indications that your partner (#loveofyourlife) may just not be the right age.

- He was in graduate school during the Second World War.

- He thinks that penicillin is a "miracle life-saving drug" and defends it for hours whenever you rag on it.

- He wanted to name your cat Clementine or Archibald.

- His drug dealer asked him if he ever watched Fawlty Towers, and his response was anything except, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

- He soothes his feet by washing them in a water basin with Lucille Ball's face and torso on it. -

He asks you if that "upstart nation" Israel is going to be around for good.

Age isn't important, but not having the right opinions about things like John Cleese and Israel could come back to bite you in the ass later on IMO.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

 

"Accidental Song" - The Magic Numbers (mp3)

"Better Than Him" - The Magic Numbers (mp3)