In Which We Consider Your Queries With Care

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

I dated this guy Dustin for two months. I’m pretty shy, so it was hard for me to open up to him, and eventually he told me that he just didn’t feel like I was interested and thought we should break up. Now I’m heartbroken and confused. I didn’t think it was a good idea to share too much of myself so quickly in a relationship, but that seemed to be what he wanted? 

Janelle S.

 

Dear Janelle,

If you’re shy, own it! There’s nothing wrong with needing time to open up. Sure, it’s frustrating when your partner won’t tell you all their secrets, but it’s also kind of sexy. I don’t know that I’ve ever met a man who wanted to know everything within two months, so I’m going to go ahead and say that something’s rotten in Denmark here.

Dustin probably needed an excuse for his own disinterest/desire to break up so he used your shyness. That was a shitty move, but it’s also common, so don’t dwell on it longer than you absolutely need to.

In the meantime, think about what you really want from a potential bae. Forget the rules. Dance after midnight, wear white after Labor Day, mix clear and brown liquors, sing like nobody is listening, etc.

Hey,

Do I need an exposed brick wall in my apartment to be happy? I was never one of those “those girls” but now I’m having trouble sleeping because I can’t find an available apartment with exposed brick. 

Rachel T.

Dear Rachel,

Obviously you don’t need exposed brick to be happy. Instead, you need:

1. Cheap kohl

2. Not to be killed by your parents for being a girl

3. A guaranteed spot in Heaven

4. A cure for the plague

5. A receding hairline

6. A large butt

7. A 14-inch waist

8. The right to vote

9. A husband, preferably one with a good job so that you can stay home to cook and take care of your 3 children

10. Blond hair and blue eyes

11. A bra to burn

12. A house in the suburbs with a white picket fence

13. An executive-level job

14. The ability to juggle it all

15. A female friend with whom you never speak of men

16. Great light in your bathroom for selfies

17. A weekly manicure and wax

18. A light-hearted abortion

19. Emotional resilience, sexual aggression, maternal instinct

20. A great pair of jeans

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which Some Of These Questions Occupy Our Time

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

Lately I have been getting into a lot of fights with my mom about my boyfriend Tim. Even though Tim and I live together in an apartment about twenty minutes away from my Mom's house, she frequently asks him to come over to help her out with tasks around the house. The chores are menial but I resent that she feels she can occupy his time. He feels he can't say no to her but is far from eager to pitch in.

There is another complication to my problem. My dad left when I was four after cheating regularly on my mom. My mom likes and appreciates Tim, but she also continues to encourage me to monitor his comings and goings so that the same thing doesn't happen to me. It makes me paranoid and sometimes I find myself wondering. I've explained this to Tim and he says he doesn't find it out of the ordinary, but I'm worried these two things will drive him far away - possibly to Alaska or the former Soviet Union. How do I handle this ticklish sitch?

Lake T.

 

Dear Lake,

At first it may seem like these are really two separate problems, each requiring their own unique solution. In reality, one complements the other quite well. If your mother actually believes Tim is cheating on you, she will stop asking him to help out around the house.

Maybe you're not comfortable lying to your mom about Tim's "fucking around." After all, she raised you, presumably by herself. Why not be vague and say that you and Tim have been having some problems. When she asks what kind of problems, you must select the only problem that couples have that no one would ever want to get involved with, even your mom: religion. Inform your mom that Tim really doesn't mind helping her, but because of these problems it's hurtful to you to have him spending time there when you need your space. Cry during this, and if the moment strikes you, weep. I once saw a friend sob like a baby while simultaneously sucking fluid from a juicebox full of Juicy Juice. I assure you I never was able to forget it.

Hey,

I spent the weekend with an amazing guy. It was my first time meeting him in person after a few online interactions. He filled me with excitement about dating again. I felt an immediate connection with him after our dinner date and we went back to his place, but nothing physical happened.

It was a tiresome weekend for the both of us since we were tied with obligations, but we tried to spend as much time together as possible. We spent one evening watching a movie. I wanted to make a move the entire time, but was too nervous. I didn't want him to think it was a one time hook-up. I haven't dated anyone formally in two years and didn't know how to behave myself. I was taken aback. I want to let him know I feel without ruining what we have. I want to know how he feels, but I don't if I should bring it up the next time I see him or through text. We have a 10-year age difference, but it doesn't feel that way. What should I do?

Lacey M.

Dear Lacey,

During an extended, awkward first encounter like the one you are describing, some men will not make the first move. If you do not reciprocate, then their entire weekend is kind of unpleasant. Also, you might reciprocate just to smooth through the weekend rather than some genuine attraction. In our experience, people are most hesitant to pounce on a woman when they actually do like her, so there may be hope for you.

The fact that you didn't make a move is probably viewed by him as a sign of disinterest, though. I mean, you were there and hanging out for awhile. You probably watched The Grand Budapest Hotel and he empathized with Tilda Swinton and wondered if you were only interested in him for the heady bequest you would receive from his will. Never watch a Wes Anderson movie when sex is in the offing; it makes legs flaccid as well as penises.

There is nothing wrong with being the initiator, as long as he doesn't feel it is expected. Keep him on his toes by entering and exiting rooms very quickly. Perhaps too quickly? And use emdashes, but not too many emdashes. Guys don't like that.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"Glory" - John Legend & Common (mp3)

In Which We Feel Very Crushed By Her Decision

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hey,

I recently was dumped by my girlfriend of two years. While she was in med school, I was always there for her. She says that she has met someone in her school who she has really clicked with, and although nothing happened yet, she realized it wouldn't be fair to either of us to continue the relationship when she is having doubts and feeling more attracted to someone else. She wants to take a break and reevaluate things in three months.

She also says that she doesn't know how she is going to feel in the future. I was her first serious relationship, so I understand she might want to explore other options. At the same time I think about how good we are together and don't understand her decision. I feel very crushed and can't stop thinking about how I could have made this work. Am I wrong to think that some time apart could make her realize what we have?

Andrew B.

Dear Andrew,

 There is only one possible way to regain a woman's interest when you have lost it, and that is by dating a more impressive woman and flaunting it before her very eyes. This strategy has worked throughout history - remember when Rachel on Friends was jealous of that British girl Emily even though Em was a personality b-minus? Ross unwittingly woke a dragon.

You need to start showing this young female Doogie Howser that you have moved on extremely quickly and that women desire you.  Post pics of your new relationship on every social media. If you cannot find a woman, hire someone to play a credible stand-in. This ruse will drive your ex crazy.

In addition, immediately after doing this, call up your ex and be like, "I met someone else. I'm sorry. What we had was great, but I'm too much of an alpha male to ever wait in the wings. My penis is shaped like a scimitar. Goodbye forever. I have had you, and now I move on to greener pastures." Then stroke a small dog (a Yorkshire terrier named Kale, perhaps?) and enter a helicopter.

 Hi,

I’m actually trying to start my own advice blog and I was hoping you could give me a few tips to get an audience and how to be good at giving advice. I just want to help people and I think a blog is the right way to go.

Betty R.

Dear Betty,

1. Nobody wants advice; they just want to know they're not alone. 

2. Check a lot of self-help out of the library.  

3. Get a therapist. 

4. Listen especially to what the person is not saying. 

5. Avoid whatever's a truism, whatever's trite, whatever's tired. 

6. What would you want to hear? 

7. It helps to have an orgasm before you start writing. 

8. As long as you make people feel understood, more will come.

9. "Start a blog" is the answer to more queries than you know. 

10. The person asking is rarely right.

 

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.