In Which We Want To Embrace Our Dates

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

I have been going out on first dates with a lot of women from a fairly well known dating site with a maritime theme. Even if I think things went well, they usually disappear in the ensuing months. I try to be respectful and consider the first date a getting-to-know you experience. What could I be doing wrong?

Alex J.

Dear Alex,

The first meeting can be really tough, especially for the man. A lot of guys are either too wary to make a move of any kind, which can make a woman feel you are not interested, or take certain things for granted, which can make a woman feel like using her taser.

It appears you are of the first variety. Here are some things you should absolutely never do on a first date:

Pay. Do not pay for her. Subconsciously, a woman who lets a man pay for her on a first date is wondering why he is doing this. You're not a couple; there should be no expectation of this. Pay for what you each consume. You can buy dessert if it gets that far (it shouldn't).

Compliment her. I mean if she wrote an article or something that was rather insightful, mention that. You can also be like, "You look great" when you see her. Don't start moaning about her eyes unless the timing is clearly right, e.g. you are both hammered and eating one another's faces.

Invite her to your apartment for any reason. Especially do not cook for her, unless you are Bobby Flay or close friends with such.

Wait to have sex. If it is there, make it happen. No one wants to feel unloved or unwanted. Sex only brings people closer together. Look at Brad Pitt. One second he was feeling a tongue in his anus, the next he has beatiful adopted children with confusing last names for first names.

Finally, don't seem overly interested. It's a first date, not a lifelong committment ceremony. Don't text afterwards or tell you want to see her again before a day or two goes by. At that time, don't text her. If she texts you, write her an e-mail that says you're not going to have your phone for 48 hours for reasons and remark that she can't get enough of you. Women love negs?

Hi,

A few months ago I met a Jewish guy named Sanders (not his real name). Things are going very well, and he says he has no problems dating a non-Jewish woman. His family seems fine with things as well, but with Passover coming up, he has invited me to spend it with his family. This has entailed a lot of preparation about the seder and education in general.

It's not so much learning this stuff that bothers me if it's a few days a year. My greater concern is that I am an atheist and God seems to be a big part of Sanders and his family's life. Is it possible to be in a relationship where you don't agree on these issues?

Melissa B.

Dear Melissa,

How good are you at telling white lies?

What seems to trouble religious people most about non-religious people is that they don't have an easy way of finding out what they believe in. As long as you can cogently express what you do believe in, you'll be fine.

People get turned off from organized religion for a number of supremely valid reasons: emotional, physical and sexual abuse, cult mentality, epousal of bigoted or anti-feminist male headship-esque views. Jews of all people should understand why these aspects all of religions might be a turnoff to you.

However, if he says his family is fine with it, they probably are,mand you're making more of a deal out of it than it needs to be. Lots of mildly religious Jews wear these costumes:

 

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

 

"Luxury" - Azealia Banks (mp3)

In Which The Possibility Remains In The Background

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

I have noticed that a lot of relationship advice columns contain a list of loving platitudes about their sinificant other, before descending upon one problem that if fixed, would set things on the golden path.

Well, I love my boyfriend Sam very much, but there are more than a few problems in the relationship. I know there is conflict in every relationship, but we seem to fight quite frequently compared to my past boyfriends. When we do, Sam takes a cold, officious tone that he says prevents him from getting overly upset and yelling. Instead of calming me, this drives me a bit off the wall and usually I am the one doing the yelling. Is this normal or a sign we should not be together?

Amara

Dear Amara,

First of all, this is not a relationship advice column, any more than Chicago is a tourist destination. You will find tourists there, but also many other unappealing things.

People with strong personalities are going to come in conflict with each other. How this conflict gets worked out is the entire key. When Bradley Cooper and his model girlfriend have a fight, for example, she finds out who won from his assistant, and also by the fact of whether he allows her to stay in his trailer on the set of his next movie. (Pertinent information is also revealed in his tinyletter.)

If one fight is bleeding over into the next, or you are always having the exact same argument, this is cause for concern. The way that Sam expresses himself sounds reasonable, unless he is repressing his real emotions and they come out later, at an inopportune time, like when Better Call Saul is on.

Hi,

My friend Eleanor has always made somewhat poor choices in men. Finally she found Joseph, who she really liked and I approved wholeheartedly of. Joseph was (is) a little eccentric, and his career as a an artist meant that he would travel a fair amount. He really loved Eleanor, but ultimately she could not handle being apart so often and she ended things.

I still hear from Joseph from time to time since she will not communicate with him. He misses her a lot. In the wake of the break-up, she has taken up with Neil, who works in finance. I have to admit, I think Neil is all wrong for her. I suspect he may be cheating on her, even though he says he is devoted. I guess I am having trouble letting go, since I want Eleanor to be happy. Is there anything I can do or do I just have to accept this situation?

Holly S.

Dear Holly,

Most people would tell you to mind your own business, but I am not most people. I once broke up a couple of forty years because I didn't like the way they treated people in the service industry.

Being away from the person you love can be very hard, especially if they are not excellent at written and spoken communication. Having someone there, for many people, is the entire purpose of having a relationship; it is the relationship.

But I would be way of assuming everything was well between Eleanor and Joseph just because of the reason she stated you. Relationships can break up for many reasons never understood by outside parties. Women often use a pretext or stand-in reason for the breakup because it may be a way of allowing themselves to move on that is actually healthy, without dwelling on mistakes she or Joseph may have made.

If you really want them to get back together, it has to come from Joseph. Don't worry about Neil - if he really is a dog, she will find out soon enough, probably during Purim.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

 

"Somebody That I Used To Know" - Seth Avett & Jessica Lea Mayfield (mp3)

"Between the Bars" - Seth Avett & Jessica Lea Mayfield (mp3)

Seth Avett and Jessica Lea Mayfield's Elliott Smith tribute album will be released on March 17.

In Which We Do Not Know How To Get Along With Him

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

I am five months pregnant with my first child, a boy. My husband Theo and I are very excited for this new addition to the family, but lately I have been feeling a bit fixated on the guy who Theo wanted to be the godfather, Mark. Mark is a friend of Theo's from college, and he still acts like he is still in college despite being closer to middle-age. He smokes pot and drinks, which would be fine in itself, but he frequently inebriates himself to the point of not remembering his activities. 

I'm worried Mark will continue this kind of behavior around the baby. Theo decided the godfather thing would be a bad idea, but says that Mark will probably grow up by the time our child is old enough to notice. Am I right to be worried?

Ashley T.

Dear Ashley,

Mark sounds like a bunch of human garbage, but he's not going to be the baby's parents: you are. Sometimes children need a bad example to understand how things can go so terribly wrong. You know those cautionary tales that head into juvenile prisons to educate youths on the dangers of drug addiction, prostitution and reading the Atlantic? Mark could play this key role for your chile. Upon his departure you can quietly exhale to your son, whose name will probably also be Ashley, that Mark just didn't make the right choices in life. "Mark thinks Cristela is a really light-skinned black woman!" you can crow deliciously as this ne'er-do-well leaves your child's house.

Also, Mark will probably be dead in a decade or more, so why worry about things that may never come to pass? Just pretend to be accomodating now and put your foot down later.

I assume you're having a water birth?

Hi,

My stepsister Joann recently got married to a wonderful man and is pregnant with her first child. The two are planning a wedding before the baby arrives. With the prospect of a baby shower, an engagement brunch (no clue what that is), a bachelorette party, bridesmaid dress and other incidentals, Joann's fertility is probably going to cost me in four figures. I don't have the kind of income where I can absorb these expenses; on the other hand I don't want to let my stepsister down. What should I do?

Kate T.

Dear Kate,

Marriage is a wonderful institution, except when Lauren Bacall married Humphrey Bogart: that was completely gross.

Whatever you do, do not bring this problem up to Joann. Create an entirely independent drama that requires your attention. For example, your car broke down and needs a new hamburglarator. She has bigger issues on her mind, she's not going to check if it's actually part of a car. For a more plausible excuse, humbly reveal that you have to take a weeklong trip during her bachelorette party to accomplish a continuing education bonafide. For some reason, using the word "education" justifies any expense or behavior.

Failing that, is there the possibility of suggesting Joann's fiance may not be the father? Because that could really shake up this loathsome set of obligations on your plate. Also, when you lie, don't touch your face.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

 

"Underground" - Ben Lee ft. Angie Hart (mp3)

"Protect Me (From What I Want)" - Ben Lee ft. Sean Lennon & Neil Finn (mp3)