In Which This Is How She Manages To Stay In The Public Eye

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

I recently met a woman through some mutual friends. Dee is a social worker who is very devoted to the people she helps get on their feet. She is great at her job. 

Frequently, our dates or hangouts are postponed because things come up unexpectedly. Dee doesn't have a lot of faith in the people with which she works, so she feels like she has to handle these things herself. I try to accept that I am not always going to be her number one priority, but I am starting to worry it might be this way forever. She is apologetic and feels really guilty when she cancels the plans, and I try not to make things worse. I don't feel comfortable bringing it up to her since we have only been dating for four months. Should I give up now, or is it possible things will change in the future?

Henry P.

Dear Henri,

Dee probably is balancing a lot of things on her plate at one time, and since she deals with people who are used to letting her down and feeling bad about it, she is reflexively adopting their behavior. A good psychologist could probably fix her in a month or two.

We don't have that kind of time. It seems like she likes you because you are the one person she can disappoint, which means you may be very special to Dee. The irony seems to be lost on you.

Your instinct to wait until further in the relationship to make this an issue seems sound. By six months she will have bonded to you further, and you can influence her decision-making without her openly wondering where you got the nerve to tell her what to do. Four months in, you're just another aspect of the patriarchy holding her back.

Hi,

Last year for Christmas our friend Jaina gave all of us very expensive presents, including jewelry and clothing. It was something of a surprise, but she now can afford to give more lavish gifts. Since it was unexpected last year, it wasn't really reasonable that we would have such expensive gifts for her.

This year she seems to be planning on making a big deal out of the Christmas gifts again. None of us either want or in some cases are not able to give gifts of commensurate value. Speaking for myself, I feel uncomfortable accepting them as well. Is there a way to bring this up to Jaina without sounding ungrateful? She has never demanded equal value, although she does bring up what she got us last year quite often.

Allison O.

Dear Allison,

Inform Jaina that you "can't wait" to give her what you got her, and pass along your present earlier. It is an abstract expressionist drawing of her that makes her look substantially larger and more annoying that she actually is, which from the sounds of it is a whole lot.

What has this Jaina done for you lately, except been an expensive pain-in-the-ass? Find friends who do not celebrate Christmas, and if they give you something for Hannukah, burn it with the flame of a menorah to make your point.

But seriously, proposing a gift system where one person in your group has to give only one gift to another person in your group will likely alleviate this problem. Jaina will probably know this is about her, so when she asks, tell her, "We were on a break!" You deserve better.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

 

"Come Down" - Nite Fields (mp3)

"Pay For Strangers" - Nite Fields (mp3)

In Which We Have Little Time For You On Our Special Day

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

In September I am planning on marrying my boyfriend of four years, Darren. Recently the wedding preparations have begun in earnest and while I don't have any hesitation about my decision to get married (I hate the expression tie the knot, it is gross), I am a bit worried about how many people seem to be involved in the ceremony. Both of our parents are contributing financially to the event, and understandably they both expect to be a part of the process.

The wedding already seems like it will have to be much larger than I ever imagined it - over 100 people! - and the amount of money and time that is going into one day is starting to bother me. Should I just suck up my feelings or should I try to do something about it?

Jamie P.

Dear Jamie,

Many weddings and genocides share a common trait - they both involve over 100 people. I have attended many weddings in my time, and the only one I really truly enjoyed the bride got incredibly drunk and slept through most of the reception. Basically, as a bride, you are allowed several common expressions that will curtail a lot of this chicanery without coming off as a party pooper:

- "I always imagined a small wedding."

- someone suggests inviting Aunt Helen. "Didn't Aunt Helen once say ADHD was caused by grapefruit juice? She is not welcome on my special day."

- "Whose wedding is this?"

- "Darren and I need to talk that over."

- "Whose special day is this?"

- "Aunt Helen once thought my Armenian friend was a terrorist."

- "They had that at the Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise nups. Remind me how that special day worked out."

- "You're not my mother."

- "You might be my mother, but this is not your special day."

- "I need to talk that over with Aunt Helen."

Above all, lie, prevaricate and postpone any decision you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable with. No one ever looks back on a bride's behavior before a wedding and says, "She was just so indecisive, Shelia!" It's just par for the course.

Hey,

A friend of mine, Andrea, recently split with her boyfriend, Steven, of a year. (We all live in Park Slope.) They have stayed on good terms and he sometimes says hi to us both if he sees us, and once he caught a mouse in her apartment with his bare hands when I was there at a screening of The Prince of Tides.

Needless to say I was extremely turned on by this event and I would like to see more of Steven. You asked me why they broke up: it was a mutual thing but I think the main deciding factor was that she felt a bit too domesticated by the relationship and wanted to go out more.

I feel weird asking Andrea's permission to pursue things with Steven, and I'm worried he will feel weird too if he hears I have asked, or even if I suggest hanging out together in general. What's the best way to approach this?

Megan P.

Dear Megan,

If he's still running the pest control game at his ex's apartment, Steve doesn't seem like the most headstrong fellow. Nor would I ever be able to fully divest myself of the notion that the hands stroking my body had touched a mouse's corpse, although I believe that is more my problem than yours.

What you need to do is get Steven to ask Andrea for her permission. That could be a bit farfetched on both their parts, but it will only happen if you can get alone time with Steven on some other pretext. Tell him an endangered condor accidentally flew into your apartment, and you would like him to remand it to a local animal shelter equipped to deal with large birds. Or maybe he knows Spanish and can teach it to you.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"Every Age" - Jose Gonzales (mp3)

"What Will" - Jose Gonzales (mp3)

In Which We Don't Feel It Is Expected

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

My girlfriend Townsi and I get along great most of the time, but recently almost all of our arguments revolve around the same issue. After she leaves her job, she has to walk a fair distance through a parking garage with low light. She agrees that this is not ideal, but resists the idea of carrying any kind of weapon or deterrent on her walk.

I have also broached the possibility of me addressing the issue with her boss, but she says that it is not a good time for that and no one else at her job has a problem with the distance or situation. The thing is, she often has to enter and leave the office at odd times due to her position and they don't have that issue.

I would like to just talk to someone there about it, but thus far I have resisted due to my girlfriend's request. How should I handle this situation?

Anthony B.

Dear Anthony,

We all need a place that makes us feel safe, whether it's shrinking ourselves down like Rick Moranis and becoming the glitter on Ariana Grande's eyelash or making a lifelong commitment to Agyness Deyn, a safe place is everything in this tumultuous world. Your girlfriend has given no indication that she feels unsafe, but there are a few things you can mansplain to her to aid her in a jam.

- Always strike an assailant in the temple or balls

- Call 911 if you see any suspicious person, especially crouching

- Hang out with UFC fighters after work

- Bark like a dog if out of visual range

- Get a dog, a nice breed is an Irish setter idk

- Where was I going with this?

Oh yes. You should not intervene at your girlfriend's workplace, and you should not even make any anonymous call to OSHA. You should not make your girlfriend carry a weapon. It's her life - you're only living in it. It's really frustrating not being able to help someone you love, but pushing really hard to get your way is only going to make her more stubborn. If she feels unsafe, she'll handle it given the right amount of space.

Hey,

I am currently in the longest relationship I have ever had with a man named Aaron. He is fantastic and our relationship is great. Recently I have been seeing a therapist who advised me that January and February are the most trying times for a relationship, and I don't want to sabotage this one. A friend forwarded the following chart:

How can I avoid the pitfalls of this holiday winter season? I feel like I have already navigated Martin Luther King's birthday by quietly attending a screening of Selma by myself, but what else can I do to ensure my relationship doesn't break apart at this late date?

Victoria M.

Dear Victoria,

Valentine's Day is indeed a difficult period for any relationship, only rivaling Christmas and the day the new Star Wars comes out for torpedoing relationships. (The Phantom Menace hurt so many people in its wake.) Make it clear to this Aaron that you want to make your Valentine's Day plans together rather than there being some patriarchal burden on him to come up with the perfect date.

The best way to keep things fresh in a long term relationship is by trying new things together. Just make sure your boyfriend has no idea that this is actually what you are trying to accomplish. Be all like, "Hey Aaron, I will be skeet-shooting and drinking Fireball while I'm watching The Bachelor on Monday. Chris Soules reminds me of the guy with all the minions. You can be there or whatever idc." You have brought fresh verve and life to your love connection.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"Veni Vidi Vici" - Madonna ft. Nas (mp3)

"Body Shop" - Madonna (mp3)