In Which We Find Ourselves At A Loss

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hey,

Last week, I was at a party, had a little too much to drink, and started flirting with my best friend’s boyfriend. Nothing happened — we were just sitting close on the couch, joking around and I think my hand was on his arm, but when my friend saw us, she got super angry and hasn’t spoken to me since. Neither has her boyfriend. I think she’s being super irrational, and have told her so — it’s not like I want him, they’ve been together for months, and she always has guys fawning all over her, but no dice. She won’t return my texts or calls. What should I do?

Becca J.

Dear Becca,

First of all, your friend was not being irrational. You crossed a line, and no matter what did or didn’t happen, she deserves a sincere apology. She sees this as a betrayal and you need to acknowledge her feelings. Call her up and say, “Patsy, I’ve been a cad.” Grovel a little, or maybe even a lot.

Second, you need to address the resentment that lives at the core of this friendship. BFFs don’t go around muttering, “You always have guys fawning all over you, Patsy.” They don’t say, “You’re being super irrational.” They don’t flirt with the other person’s significant other even when deep down they probably know they’re pissing the other person off. That’s not a friendship; that’s a competition, and an ugly one.

You need to figure out whether the drinking gave you the courage to act on this resentment or — and think about this one carefully — the courage to act on some itsy bitsy attraction to this guy that you’re not admitting. If it’s the former, you need to come clean with Patsy and renew your friendship vows. If it’s the latter, you need to back away from her bae until the only touching you’re doing is a friendly handshake.

Hi,

I feel like my life is nowhere where I want it to be... How do I get my life together?

Ashley R.

Dear Ashley,

Simple: you make your life what you want it to be.

Okay, it’s not that easy, but it almost is. One of the most important lessons to learn while you’re still young is that you’re responsible for your own happiness (that is, the 75% that Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t responsible for). Stop blaming your circumstances, make a list of goals, and see what you can personally do to make them happen.

You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel once you’re proactive. Even when you have to leave little things up to fate — and you will, because we live in a cosmic cluster — you’ll rest easy knowing you’ve done your best. That’s all anybody (you) can ask for.

 

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Badger All Of Our Witnesses

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hey,

My cousin Jeff is planning to propose to a woman he met on a dating website. (Not Christian Mingle.) A little bit about her:

- Her name is Sandy.
- She loves to surf, sunbathe and she is always cold indoors, no matter the actual temperature.
- She calls bicyclists "flappy nerds" and joggers "pinwheels." Sometimes my mom can't understand what she is saying.

Given everything, she doesn't feel like the best fit for Jeff. If she makes him happy I feel like I shouldn't interfere, but I think marrying this woman would be a tragic misstep. What should I do?

Anna S.

Dear Anna,

The vagaries of American slang are only of practical use to those who use the appallations, or if you are in a long term relationship with John McWhorter or Noam Chomsky. At least she doesn't ride a bicycle, because our experience is that almost everyone who does thinks their poop smells like a delicatessen.

The phrase "if she makes him happy" has lost all meaning at this point. Charles Manson is currently making a woman happy. Happiness is just a brain imbalance - too much serotonin - and is not attributable to one person, unless that one person makes cat sounds while eating. I would, theoretically, find that very amusing.

You need to find out what things are like between Jeff and Sandy when you or your mom is not around. Asssuming she can bring him to completion and is able to tolerate his very basic first name, you may not have a leg to stand on. Everyone is annoying to someone.

Hey,

I went abroad for the fall semester in Paris. My boyfriend Tom and I talked and facetimed every day and I was missing him a lot. When I came back he cried and confessed that he had a emotional relationship with a girl in his dorm, but that they never touched or even kissed. I didn't really know what to say as the context of their thing seems kind of unclear to me.

Since we talked a lot while I was in France, I'm actually kind of amazed he would even have time or need to make a connection like this. On the other hand, since I was not actually there and nothing happened, there seems to be some doubt as to whether or not something dealbreaking occured. He says that he doesn't want to talk to her anymore and only wants to be with me, and I believe him. I'm tempted to just forgive him considering the situation, but am I being too accomodating?

Raina C.

Dear Raina,

Some people are very good at telling lies, and others are not so good at it. You can work out for yourself which kind of person you would rather be with. What you need to know is that among those who are good at telling lies, many have learned the utility of telling half-truths.

The advantage of the half-truth is that is lessens a guilt compulsion that many people feel when they do something wrong, without exposing the liar to the reprecussions of the actual truth. Again, not all of want to hear the full truth all the time. If Tiger Woods' wife Elin did, she would most likely have run him over with that car, and his half-lie spared her decades in prison.

Now she's dating a great guy who is also rich, so his half-lie was the best thing that ever could have happened to both of them.

I don't know what kind of person Tom is. It's possible that he is telling you the whole truth, in which case you can forgive him and see where things go from there. Connections in college are unavoidable, and it can be very lonely to be by yourself when the person you love is away in the romance capital of the universe. But it might be best to dig deeper. Out of nowhere, shout at him, "DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?" and when he looks puzzled, whisper to yourself, "You're goddamned right I did."

Find out if what you are hearing is the whole truth, and get the full story from the other woman if you must. You might save yourself a lot of heartbreak later on.

NB: This space would like to render an apology to the romantic advice columnist of the Boston Globe, Meredith Goldstein. Although we stated that she is single, gorgeous and fabulous, only two of these statements are factually correct and she is probably currently in a LTR with a guy who looks like a pre-drugs Christian Slater. Thank you for your time.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"No Cities to Love" - Sleater-Kinney (mp3)

"A New Wave" - Sleater-Kinney (mp3)

In Which Other Advice Columnists Remain Remarkably Flawed

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hey,

Over the past six months I have been dating a girl named Katherine. She is really generous with her time when it comes to her friends and family, and sometimes they abuse what I consider to be her goodwill.

The situation recently came to a head when her friend Lance divorced his wife and needed a place to stay. Katherine felt she could not turn him away and has been spending a lot of time attempting to cheer Lance up, even throwing him a party.

I strain to emphasize that jealousy or lack of attention is not my problem. In fact, I sometimes feel relieved that Katherine has such a full life since it takes me off the hook, but I'm not sure I feel great about being okay with it. In addition, Katherine has told me that she is thrilled I am not controlling like her past boyfriends. How do I bring this up without making myself look bad?

Ben A.

Dear Ben,

As Ayn Rand put it in her classic 1964 essay collection, The Virtue of Selfishness, man is born with an innate... Just kidding, although casually leaving a copy of The Fountainhead atop your girlfriend's toilet tank is not going to hurt this situation at all.

Human women do things with three possible motivations:

1) They saw it on TV or read it in Diana Gabaldon's Outlander;

2) Their mother did it or forbid them to do it;

3) Because.

Sure, you can have it out with Katherine and she will resent you and probably start making Lance feel better in more predictable ways. Or, you can use a tried and tested process I call contamination.

Say that Katherine had a favorite restaurant. If they suddenly displayed health code violations in their window, would she not have to think twice about eating there? You want to subtly turn her good deed into a mediocre deed. For example, you could start eating at her favorite restaurant and pretend to vomit or get the shits afterwards. Alternately, in the Lance situation, you can leave her an anonymous note detailed all of Lance's probable misdeeds.

Just do one thing and find out if Lance has a big cock before embarking on this journey, and also check if it is a felony to forge someone's signature on an anonymous note.

Hey,

I have been reading a lot of advice columnists lately. It seems like they bring their own biases and perspectives to the questions they are asked, but since they never disclose much about themselves or where they are coming from, it's difficult for me to gauge the value of their advice. Of what help can you be in this matter?

Jocelyn A.

Dear Jocelyn,

Taking advice from anyone who doesn't look, sound, and smell like Chris Pratt is usually a fool's errand, but it has been my experience in life that there is no one who can resist talking about themselves.

Carolyn Hax. The Washington Post's syndicated advice column features illustrations from Ms. Hax's ex-husband. In nearly every answer, Carolyn mentions that she does not have children, which has become a case of methinks the lady doth protest too much. Whether or not you have children shouldn't really change your views on their relative importance or merit, but who I am kidding? She always makes the kids take a backseat, almost like they were the little people on the set of The Wizard of Oz.

Meredith Goldstein. The stylish and beautiful author of the Boston Globe's tremendously influential Love Letters column, Ms. Goldstein is a single Jewish woman living in Boston. As such, she has experienced her fair share of heartbreak. Anytime a LW (letter writer, if you were born in a cave) mentions that her boyfriend has done anything the slightest bit reticent or unloving, Meredith demands that she dump the guy immediately. One time, a LW found her husband looking at porn on the computer, and Meredith was like, "It's over." Another time, a LW found her husband looking at gay porn on the computer, and Meredith was like, "Have you considered couples therapy?"

Dear Abby. Dear Abby is currently writen by Pauline Phillips' daughter Jeanne, who is also ancient. Ms. Phillips has never used a smart phone and often confuses The Interview with The Conversation. All her advice is at least forty years out of date, and that's being charitable. She's also kind of mean if a LW doesn't agree with her opinion and writes back being like, "Are you sure I had to send a thank you note?" The answer is always send the note.

Dear Prudence.  All the pop culture references, the memoir-esque stories. It's like talking to a high school friend who really wants to catch you up on everything. "Did you see the latest episode of The Newsroom?" Ugh.

Ask Amy. Syndicated columnist Amy Dickinson is like that really equivocating mom who carefully considers each answer. It's seriously aggravating, but everything she says is one hundred percent balls-on accurate.

Hard to Say. You know what this is.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"I'm Aquarius (Edu Imbernon Remix)" - Metronomy (mp3)

"Love Letters (Agoria Remix)" - Metronomy (mp3)