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Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Entries in hard to say (183)

Wednesday
Apr222015

In Which We Inculcate A Slow Burn Towards The Future

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My girlfriend Susan recently suffered the loss of a member of her extended family with whom she had a close relationship. In the wake of this undoubtedly awful event, she has begun acting increasingly childish. For example, she inserts the word 'meow' into every other word. I recently received a promotion at work, for example, and when I informed her of the news, she told me, "That's meowrific!" That doesn't even make sense for meow to be there. The word doesn't start with an M or sound anything like 'meow.'

Anytime she sees a baby, a child, or living creature of any kind, she reverts into a cooing state where all she does is obsess about the object's intrinsic beauty/innocence. I can take this every now and then, especially when the subject of her admiration is a Yorkshire terrier, but this weird behavior is getting all too constant. How can I tell her to stop without seeming like an ass?

Evan P.

Dear Evan,

In the absence of something to focus on, a person will direct their attention to anything that makes itself known to them, like Scott Eastwood or Demi Lovato. We want to see something, anything beautiful in moments like these. I'm not going to breakdown the psychological implications of your girlfriend's, um, breakdown. It's too soon and my hair is wet.

What you need to do is give her something to actually focus on. A fish sometimes works, especially if it doesn't live for an extended period of time. Don't get her an actual animal that she will have to provide and care for, please. Never give pets as gifts unless you can't think of anything better.

It sounds like Susan just needs to find the right project. Giving back to others via community service is a bit dangerous because a lot of attractive men are in that field looking for women who love cute things. (Habitat for Humanity is basically an extended orgy with 2x4s.) I don't know that you have much choice at this point. The word meow only belongs in the mouth of a cat.

Hi, 

I go out with a group of friends who always order wine at every meal. At first I didn't mind not being the only one drinking, but our dinnertime conversations are becoming progressively sloppier and it makes the evening something of an ordeal. Is there any way to improve these circumstances without coming off as a killjoy?

Maureen A.

Dear Maureen,

Wine, or sad juice as it is called through the greater Pennsylvania area, was created for Europeans who have less problems and anxieties than Americans. Wine is highly addictive: some experts believe it is even more compulsive than cocaine.

Your friends are therefore ensconced in the saucy, grapey grip that won't let go. The only way to free them from their urges is to take things even more thoroughly in the messed up direction, until the entire group can barely wake up the next morning. Next time y'all meet up at dinner, you can meekly ask for a dry evening. It will be that day that each of your liquored-up friends will understand one of life's most important lessons: sobriety can, at times, be as exciting as chardonnay.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

 

"Traveling at the Speed of Light" - Joywave (mp3)

"Bad Dreams" - Joywave (mp3)

Wednesday
Apr152015

In Which We Save All The People Of This Land

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

In February I started seriously dating Kayla. Before we became exclusive, she had told me that she had hidden the use of drugs, mostly cocaine from me, because she feared I would disapprove. Because she was honest about this, I don't want to accuse her of lying to me without proof. She knows that I don't do drugs, however, and she is not going to want to tell me if she does. How do I encourage her to be honest with me, and is there any way to prevent her from using with her friends?

Ben R.

Dear Ben,

Forget the cocaine for a second. The idea that you can save someone from what she is doing is pretty much a waste of time for both of you. Let's look at whether one person in a relationship has ever saved another throughout history:

Virginia Woolf? No.
Cleopatra? I'd have to look it up, but I'm going to say no.
Jesus died.
Demi Lovato? Jury's still out.
Rachel McAdams? No.
Owen Wilson? No.
Chris Brown? No.
Henry VII? Again, I'm an advice columnist, not a historian.

The point is, people can only save themselves. But if you really care about her, then just ignore her when she is on coke and say absolutely nothing about it. Stressing her out about the subject is only going to push her closer to drugs and the people she does them with. Have you considered an apple farm? 

Hi,

My friend - let's call her Jill for anonymity's sake - spends a lot of time on the internet, and it gets into her head a little bit. Somehow, her life has led her to the point where she had a reddit account. Anytime she comes across something the least bit interesting she forwards it along to me, even when I have made it clear I don't want to see this kind of material.

She constantly refers to the things she finds on the internet or "on a podcast" and it gets a little trying. I also use the internet, and I've already seen it before most of the time, or I just don't care. How can I change this behavior?

Ellen T.

Dear Ellen,

Remember the days where people used to have entire posts of links to other things on the internet, because the only person with social media was Ezra Klein? Now, it's difficult not to be bombarded by awful things such as that life-size doll you linked to or a podcast about the international drug trade.

As always, the best way to get someone to change their behavior is to put them on the receiving end of it. Absolutely flood her with links - here's one you should probably include just to be comprehensive - and begin every sentence with those fateful words - "I was listening to a podcast." That's actually how the reverend at my church started his sermon this week. He was shouted down, not unlike Jesus. I made a video of it. I'll snapchat it to you.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

 

"Seventeen Years" - Ratatat (mp3)

"El Pico" - Ratatat (mp3)

Wednesday
Apr082015

In Which We Decide To Live Within These Walls

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

Two months ago I started dating a man named Shawn. We met through mutual friends and immediately clicked. Shawn runs his own business, a restaurant, but he is pretty good about making time for me. It's a new relationship, but we have agreed not to see other people and give things a chance.

Shawn has asked me extensively about my dating past, and I have been truthful to him; granted there is not very much to tell. He is five years older than me, and when I ask him about previous girlfriends, he gets a bit uncomfortable. He did tell me about his most recent ex, a woman named Sheila. Naturally, I googled the fuck out of Sheila - she is an actress who has appeared in various television shows and resembles me to a certain extent. When I asked Shawn what happened, he just says it didn't work out.

I want to be able to just let things go, but Sheila (not her real name) seems really amazing and it concerns me that I don't know exactly what Shawn is thinking concerning her. How do I get over this?

Julia F.

Dear Julia,

Un)Fortunately for you, this is one of those few, rare times where a situation gives you exactly two options. You can either

a) trust that Shawn will open up in the future, since this is still an early time in the relationship, or

b) have a few whiskey sours at happy hour and demand an answer as to why he and Sheila broke up right before going to bed on a Tuesday. Hint: only one of these involves maintaining your dignity.

Exes are a touchy subject. To quote my friend, it’s a sens-y time. Some people, like you and me, want to be as open from the beginning of the relationship as possible. To us, being completely up front is a way of saying “I’m trusting you and us.” This makes it hard when others are not as eager, or willing, to share.  What we assume is a negative reflection on ourselves is really just a different way of processing a relationship. People like Shawn view complete, detailed honesty as earned, rather than deserved from the beginning. That’s not to say he’s texting Sheila on the sly, but maybe he’s just not ready to dig in to all of the reasons they broke up and all the feels it accompanied. It sounds like Shawn is just the Ron to your Hermione in terms of emotional expressiveness. Then again, Ron was a soulless ginger, but nobody’s perfect – not even this she-devil Sheila. She's clearly the worst.

As a side note, if months pass and he’s still not fessing up – have a mature conversation as to why it is important to you that he shares more of his past. If he’s reasonable, he should be open to discussing it at least somewhat further detail. If he’s still being super sketchy, then maybe take route b and prepare for the hangover to follow.

 

 

Hi,

For the past few months, I have been dating a girl named Toni. Things seemed to be going well, but Toni's ex, who I will call Daniel, cheated on her behind her back. Because of this, she has some trust issues and sometimes asks me who I am texting or calling in a very accusing way.

To be clear, I have no intention of going behind Toni's back to do anything. I understand she has a difficult time trusting considering the circumstances, but the problem is this: seeing this needy and destructive side of her is making it difficulty for me to embrace her love wholeheartedly, since I know she is not all the way there with me. How can I keep this from souring our relationship?

Aaron T.

Dear Aaron,

A lot of people lack empathy, and can't understand how their behavior affects others until they are on the receiving end of that same behavior. You don't need to check Toni's phone or ask who she is talking to - but maybe showing that you can be a little jealous, too will soften Toni's attitude about the relationship.

Reassuring her that nothing is actually going on is probably what her ex-boyfriend did, time and time again. It's what all liars do. Show her you are trustworthy, don't tell her. Be offended by the implication without being angry, and try to change the subject.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.