In Which We Hate None Of The Things That You Hate

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My girlfriend is hinting that she wants me to propose, but I am not financially or emotionally ready for such a big decision. If it matters, we have been together for three years. We are otherwise happy, and I do see her as my wife one day, but now is not the right time for me.

Artis L.

Dear Artis,

Is prison too dire a punishment? Back in medieval times, a woman could be stoned for hinting on social media that she might enjoy a long term committment. But it is awful to have someone love you, unless that someone is Ariana Grande; then it is just artistically inspirational.

There is no perfect time for an engagement. Conversely there it is always the perfect time for a very long engagement. Put yourself in her shoes: would she rather tell the world - "we broke off our engagement, it wasn't quite right" or "he never proposed to me because I am a worthless bag of trash that Mayor De Blasio won't even pick up because he's terrible at running a city"? I may have gotten a bit off topic there, but my point is still completely solid. The former sounds like something that happened to Helen Bonham Carter in Majorca, the latter sounds like a typical week in the life of Shannyn Sossamon.

You can always get out of an engagement, but a woman will remember that you did not want her forever.

Hey,

My boyfriend Wesley and I have been dating for about six months. Recently he has explained that he has preferences for the kind of makeup he wants me to be wearing. He says that he likes bright red lipstick and a lot of blush - not a style I usually embody. Part of me doesn't see the harm and wants to please Wesley, and another part of me is a bit weirded out by this sudden declaration. What should I do?

Alexis T.

Dear Maxi,

It seems like your boyfriend doesn't want to confess on his most recent discovery. It probably involves three words: NARS Orgasm collection. According to The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book club, the NARS blush in orgasm is a dream and matches every skin tone. It's bright without being too red. Yes, it makes your face look like you have had sex for days on end. Maybe this is what he is referring to. If not, we can trace his trajectory of his last shopping experience.

It probably involved a bored sales associate from Sephora mongering him with samples. Most likely untrue, but it could happen. He most likely walked around the mall entranced by the brightness of the orgasm blush that he had to go back. Again, most likely untrue. Shopping mall experiences vary from person to person.

You'll have to stumble on clues. Depending on your living situation with him, you can check white towels for any blush or lipstick residue. You still have time. Make-up is just an enhancer and you don't have to wear it all the time. Next time, you're repurchasing your stock bring him along. He'll probably know a thing or two.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"Alligator" - Lone Wolf (mp3)

"Crimes" - Lone Wolf (mp3)

In Which We Like All The Things That You Like

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My new boyfriend Keith is a great guy. He is very well-read, though and never lets you forget it. When he met my mom, he talked about Spenser for like fifteen minutes. Books are kind of his passion; often when we're together he will read quietly for long periods. Sometimes this isn't so bad - it's better than hearing about Spenser, for example. But I'm starting to wonder if he maybe needs someone who shares his hobby. I like to read, but am I wrong to think this is extreme?

Jana S.

Dear Jana,

One person's dream is usually someone else's nightmare. Bradley Cooper talks about the theater all the time, a fact his previous girlfriend found dreadful and a situation which I assume was the thinspiration for your question.

In High Fidelity, Nick Hornby whined for upwards of thirty pages... wait, sorry I'm talking about a book. There was a movie, too. John Cusack was upset because his girlfriend, who weirdly never was in another movie after that, didn't share his same hobbies. The odd part of it was his only discernible hobby was listening to music, which can be done conveniently during other activities, like protests against the police or masturbation.

It seems like if Keith takes the humblebragging too far in front of other people, there is a subtle way to reel him back in. Try these words, "Keith, wasn't Spenser a murderer? No? I thought I read that. I refuse to read the words of murderers. Do you guys want to see that David Duchovny show about Charles Manson, or do you think it looks as fucking stupid as I do?" Problem solved.

As for the actual reading itself, just read the internet while he is doing this or watch The 100.

Hey,

Is total silence during an orgasm normal? It's not a very gratifying absence of sound to hear.

Alexis T.

Dear Alexis,

I have heard a variety of noises which sufficiently signify for orgasms. Here are some of the best and some of the worst.

Excellent: barking, meowing, reciting the Star Spangled Banner

Mediocre: singing, talking like Chappie, whistling

Pretty Bad: humming, whistling songs, doing that annoying heart-pounding thing from The Wolf of Wall Street

Horrendous: silence, talking about the perils of taxation, death

Encourage your partner to make all noises he wants. Most people learn to be quiet when they masturbate so as not to alert others to what they are doing, and bad habits stick around longer than good ones. 

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"Stone Flower" - Adam Beyer (mp3)

"That Would Be the Sun" - Adam Beyer (mp3)

In Which This Is The Only Way We Feel We Can Respond

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My friend Mary thinks of herself as being very politically involved. She has driven to New York to 'occupy' Wall Street, and she is very vocal with her opinions about the police. One of my other friends frequently disparages her as a 'white knight.' In the past I have defended Mary from this designation, but she seems to struggle to talk about anything except what is going on in the news. To be clear, she does ask other people their opinion and I would not call her dogmatic at all, but there does seem to be an excessive focus on current events. Am I wrong to not want to hear about this all the time?

Greg S.

 

Dear Greg,

Given that even David Simon is tired of the riots at this time, you can't simply be dismissed as putting your head in the sand.

There was actually a great Robbie Williams song about this. It was called "Jesus in a Camper Van." It was about even the most hardened disciple of creed needing time to relax and unwind, and in this way, it was quite a prescient tune.

Then again (sorry!) there was a time in recent history, I guess all of history might qualify actually, where the idea of staying out of the fray of political events was impossible, and usually akin to allowing them to happen. One of the great forgotten things is that there was a healthy anti-war movement for World War II. Of course, those people were involved in the politics of their time, they were just on the completely wrong side of them.

So Mary encourages a bunch of rioters. I don't think this makes her a white knight or a bad person. Possibly if you have a different opinion you can express it to her. This isn't the era to tiptoe around anything. Subtlety died in the sixteenth century.

Hey,

Do I need an exposed brick wall in my apartment to be happy? I was never one of those “those girls” but now I’m having trouble sleeping because I can’t find an available apartment with exposed brick. 

Rachel T.

Dear Rachel,

Obviously you don’t need exposed brick to be happy. Instead, you need:

1. Cheap kohl

2. Not to be killed by your parents for being a girl

3. A guaranteed spot in Heaven

4. A cure for the plague

5. A receding hairline

6. A large butt

7. A 14-inch waist

8. The right to vote

9. A husband, preferably one with a good job so that you can stay home to cook and take care of your 3 children

10. Blond hair and blue eyes

11. A bra to burn

12. A house in the suburbs with a white picket fence

13. An executive-level job

14. The ability to juggle it all

15. A female friend with whom you never speak of men

16. Great light in your bathroom for selfies

17. A weekly manicure and wax

18. A light-hearted abortion

19. Emotional resilience, sexual aggression, maternal instinct

20. A great pair of jeans

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

"L.O.L." - Margaret (mp3)

"I Get Along" - Margaret (mp3)