In Which There Are Robots For All The Wrong Reasons

Mechanical Brides

by JEFFREY MAX

In March of this year, the National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology demonstrated its latest humanoid robot, the decidedly female HRP-4C.

OMG so kawaii!

While not the first android to feature a lifelike Asian woman's face, I find it odd that HRP-4C was created and touted as the “Fashion Model Robot,” especially considering all prior HRP models seemed to be aimed more at helping humans with menial tasks and general assistance.

Japan claims its furious robot developments are to mitigate a looming national crisis wherein something like 99% of the population will instantly be old and unable to do anything for themselves.

Thanks, slave.

Is there a less practical type of robot than fashion model robot? I suppose someone could make a robot that identifies and shreds money or something. But until that happens, I think HRP-4C is winning.

Left to Right: HRP-2 Promet, HRP-3 Promet MK II, HRP-4C

It’s not that I don’t think fashion is terribly important, but well…actually, I don’t think fashion is terribly important. It should certainly take a back seat to helping the elderly, right?

Girl, you looks good. Won’t you back that ass up?

Many of these humanoid robots incorporate features and functions designed to make the robot seem more human. They blink and breathe and have hair. Why? Again, all fingers point at society’s burden, the elderly. The claim this time is that old people are frightened of cold, faceless, metal beings. They’re about to die. Can we try not to scare the shit out of them too much? Etc.

I’m generally not fearful of the future. I’ve mostly come to terms with the notion that artificial intelligence is on pace to point and laugh at human intelligence by the time I’m fifty. Yes, it’s kind of startling, but I’m supposed to believe that if geriatrics don’t get robots with eyelashes and flesh-like silicone skin, they’ll have a million heart attacks and die?

Boobs on a robot. Makes sense.

Let’s get real. Consideration for the elderly is a more legitimate-sounding justification for robotic advancements than this poorly veiled sentiment: men are lonely and desperate. I wonder if a man designed HRP-4C (sarcasm). Every dope on the Internet is chiming in about how the robot looks like a walking, talking Real Doll. Not too subtle.

You’ve never been in love. You don’t know what it’s like.

This is darker and more disturbing than some dude somewhere defiling a Fleshlight. This goes beyond sexual gratification. This is abandonment, an affront to what makes us human. This is giving up.

We’re supposed to be superior to robots because we can love.

Heartbreak.

Then why would I ever choose to love something that can’t love me back? Superior indeed.

Jeffrey Max is a contributor to This Recording. He is a dude currently living in Los Angeles, and one half of internet video making superstars Fatal Farm. This is his first appearance in these pages.

Major Lazer "Pon De Floor" video,Directed by Eric Wareheim

Edited and Animation by Zachary Johnson and Jeffrey Max

"Keep It Goin' Louder" — Major Lazer ft. Nina Sky & Ricky Blaze (mp3)

"Bruk Out" — Major Lazer ft. T.O.K. & Ms Thing (mp3)

"Jump Up" — Major Lazer ft. Leftside & Supahyp (mp3)