In Which We Sympathize Purely With Decepticons

Robots In Disguise

by ALEX CARNEVALE

Not a single human being dies during Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which is something of a major achievement considering the film represents something like thirty-eight separate military engagements. War isn't hell, is Michael Bay's main message here, appropriate for a director with an IQ barely above retarded.

Is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen the most boring movie I've ever seen? Probably not -- it shows the pyramids, a human achievement I have yet to witness in person. Occasionally, we get a flattering angle of Megan Fox. That's about the run of it. There is still the collected oeuvre of Tyler Perry to dull our mind and senses. But it is up there, quite high up there.

It is amazing to think that 200 million dollars spent on this film couldn't rescue it from being a dreadful bore, but it is. Asimov and Heinlein brought intelligent machines and war to Terran shores, and Bay completely tears apart any interest we might have in them. What could 200 million dollars have done for cancer research, or buying me an Xbox 360? We will never know.

can we execute him and bernie madoff together plzStakes is central core of drama - without it, there's only so much debris can interest us. At the end of the first Transformers film, we felt this kind of gnawing disinterest in what had up until then been a fairly potent departure from the usual special effects-related mayhem. Optimus Prime and Megatron battled, and I had a fairly tough time differentiating between the two. Optimus had a shade of blue in his coat. A handsome creature, a pretty, gravelly-voiced machine.

If you modify the tenor of your voice to sound like Peter Cullen, the dude who does Optimus Prime, you can create more excitement in your kitchen than this movie did with oodles of cash and a signed contract with Megan Fox. But basically there are more robots coming, and the government doesn't get that they are different from the good autobots. Really? Have they ever refused to give in to an automaker before?

For good measure, Bay throws in twin dumb robots with gold teeth and African-American voiceovers who don't know how to read and spend most of the time threatening to cap each other and speaking in jive. Sigh. I realize Bay despises political correctness, but did Jar Jar Binks change the world for the better? The Twins help Shia LaBeouf find something called The Matrix. Hmm, that sounds familiar. Was it the turning point of the second National Treasure film?

Really, it's all just an elaborate prelude to get robots whizzing and buzzing on each other, in each other. Two robots fighting each other is satisfying momentarily, like watching felines whirling into messy balls of fur. After a while, you just want to the fighting to stop.

This is most assuredly not what the American military wants however. Know you what our 'government' spends on such things? The opening scene of Revenge of the Fallen features the pursuit of a rogue Decepticon, a military operation that must have cost billions. Guys, can't you just let a Decepticon be?

War is even more of a specious creature in this world, where the persecution of creatures known formally as Decepticons continues unabated. We find out later that some of them aren't so evil, but nevermind that - one is sucking sand into its mouth for no real reason! Admire the money-making power of your not-talented overlord, Michael "I Physiologically Lack a Penis" Bay!

Autobots are sympathetic to the American military insofar as their soldiers attack and destroy the Autobots' main competition for 'energon' (Transformer fuel, smells like eggs and Meg Ryan), the Decepticons. Autobots are brothers in full to Army men who looks like Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson. Why do I care about these people? Anyway, what fun for these boys to play soldiers in world where no soldier dies. Come to real world - we can use you!

michael, you left the lens cap on againOne life form needs the sun intact, to fuel machines which empty themselves, destroy atmosphere and other life forms. (I speak of humans, Autobot sympathizers.) Another life form, prettier but without portrait in Maxim, desires sun to break it apart so that it may provide lifefuel for the resurrection of its home planet, Cybertron. Interesting moral conundrum? Michael, don't sleep during our meeting, please.

don't worry: you are safe here. according to percentages, you account for 53.8 percent of this film's box office"Alien wars are of no concern to us." Michael Bay has a dumb Obama flack say this - flack prefers negotiation, reconciliation, surrender - but the flack has the right idea. Here is a war between two forces. Perhaps we should wait and see where it takes us, before committing more than we have. After all - we're proud owners of General Motors now. They need all the money taxpayers can spare!

The same reason the original Transformers was such an unusual thrill is why Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen sucks balls. Michael's cinematic modus operandi is to throw manic scenes together without transitions of any kind - sort of how I write reviews of his movies, but nevermind that. A film should cohere more closely than what I write, should offer plausible explanations for how retarded it is. I'm only one man! They had 200 fucking million dollars.

There is a forty minute segment near the end of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen that truly tested my patience. Without irony, joke, or distraction, Bay simply had Megan Fox jiggling her jugglies and running with her hair blowing back in the wind for what seemed like forever. Didn't anybody ask why we needed to watch two kids jog miles through the desert? It's a movie - put them next to where the action is. Maybe a fucking Autobot can carry them? Is that so difficult? It took forty minutes of a rigorous rock soundtrack and sand particles flowing over perfectly made-up faces to end this farce, ruining the career of John Turturro on the way. Do not see this movie!

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He tumbls here.

"Triangle Walks (james rutledge edit)" - Fever Ray (mp3)

"Triangle Walks (radio edit)" - Fever Ray (mp3)

"Triangle Walks (tigas radio edit)" - Fever Ray (mp3)