In Which We Will Advise You On This Location

A Few Things You Need To Know About Living In New York

by MOLLY YOUNG

Living in New York? Me too. Here is a pocket list of information that may aid you in your quest to take a bite out of the big apple.

Good luck.

Things you will spend money on

Coffee

Laundry

Things you won't spend money on

Gas

Things you will accumulate

Cheap umbrellas

Plastic cutlery

Tote bags

Things you will not have inside your apartment

Clean towels

A kitchen counter

Stairs

Interesting-shaped windows

by leeah joo

Subway etiquette #1

Don't trim your nails on the subway.

Social warning #1

Low-income smokers in New York spend 25 percent of their income on cigarettes. Try to quit smoking.

by Leeah Joo

Taxi cabs

Why are you taking a cab? The subway is faster and cheaper.

But okay. The main thing to remember with cabs is this: after you hail your cab, be sure to climb inside before directing the driver to your destination, especially if you are going to a different borough. If you stand outside and meekly suggest your outer-borough destination, the driver will simply shake his head and drive off.

This is crazy. You're a paying customer! You should not need to audition for a cab. It is also unlawful: drivers can be fined $500 for refusing to ferry customers from one part of the city to another part of the city. So get in the cab first and then tell the driver where you want to go.

Do not undertip.

Common sights you will see

Squashed rat

Bottle filled with pee

Mysteriously tiny drug bag (why is it so small?)

by Leeah Joo

Social warning #2

Melodrama wrapped in sophistication is still melodrama.

Social warning #3

Your crackpot radar needs to grow exquisitely refined. This applies to strangers, obviously, but it also applies to acquaintances. Living in any large city means that your social circle grows exponentially, which in turn brings about a statistical increase in the likelihood of encountering iffy types.

Designer juice

Don’t be ridiculous. Unless you are pulling in more than 500K after taxes, you do not have $10 to spend on a bottle of juice.

Subway etiquette #2

SCENE: A man leans against a subway pole on a crowded 2 train at 4 p.m.

Woman: This pole isn’t for you to lean on. It’s for people to hold on to.

Man: Is there a sign that says that? You see a sign?

Woman: I don’t HAVE to. It’s a crowded train. Stand up like a man.

Man: Woman, don’t loud-talk me.

Woman: YOU ARE A WEAK MAN. I CAN SEE IT.

END SCENE.

God, don't let this happen to you. Avoid leaning on the pole.

by Leeah Joo

Subway etiquette #3

Situation: A train pulls into the station. It is packed except for one car, which is curiously empty. Do not board the empty car. It is empty because something truly terrible has happened there.

Social warning #4

Learn to say "no".

Molly Young is the senior contributor to This Recording. You can find her Twitter here and her tumblr here. She writes for GQ and New York magazine.

Paintings by Leeah Joo.

"Eyesdontlie" - Machinedrum (mp3)

"Body Touch" - Machinedrum (mp3)

In Which Fashion Is Our Passion

40 Secrets I Have Learned from
Reporting on the Fashion Industry

by MOLLY YOUNG

• Carine Roitfeld looks exactly like Iggy Pop and is incredibly sexy.

• This is a pair of facts which can’t be reconciled. 

• The fashion world is full of facts that can’t be reconciled.

• Here's another one: High fashion has always been a struggle between aesthetic values and market values.

• Success in the marketplace requires compromise.

• Artists do not, as a rule, like to compromise.

• Therefore some designers can seem to have an aura of hostility toward the market.

• This tends to demoralize the average consumer. 

• Nobody can help that.

• Runway shows are startlingly brief. About five minutes long.

• A lot of models have bad tattoos.

• Examples of bad model tattoos: smiley face, skeleton morphing into a woman on a diagonal axis.

• A lot of male models have chest acne.

• Most models, male and female, are pleasant.

• It is hard not to be pleasant when so little is asked of you.

• You can stare at models as much as you want, because that’s what they’re paid for. The normal rules of human conduct don’t apply.

• They are also habituated to it, so they barely even notice you looking.

• The amount of stuff a designer can do to a model for a runway show depends on his status.

• For example, you'd have to be a pretty big designer to get away with shaving blue mohawks into everyone's hair.

• Spring and Fall are the two main collections. 

• Stores demand more frequent infusions of new stock, so there are also “pre-fall” and “pre-spring” (resortwear) collections.

• This is why it seems like there is always a Fashion Week going on. 

• Resortwear is not clothing that you wear on a cruise.

• Economic failure doesn’t carry the taint in high fashion that it does in other creative industries, such as Hollywood. 

• But nor is it like Silicon Valley, where failure is an asset.

• A failed fashion show is always embarrassing.

• Fashion PR people tend to talk like press releases.

• Fashion press releases tend to be confoundingly dumb.

• For example, I am looking right now at a press release from a couture house in Paris. 

• The verb tenses change at random from past to present to future conditional. 

• Words are capitalized for No reason.

• It is 900 words long.

• The number of extraordinarily rich people in the world continues to grow.

• For this reason, luxury fashion brands are doing quite well.

• Even in a global recession.

• LVMH — parent of Louis Vuitton, Marc Jacobs, Donna Karan, etc — predicts this year's sales to reach $33 billion.

• 85 percent of women in Japan own a Louis Vuitton product.

• Unlike the rest of the world, fashion industry people do not assume that Hollywood celebrities have inherently good style.

• This assumption is largely correct.

• Designers are choosy about which celebrities they will dress.

• "Dress", in this case, means "give free clothes to".

• As one editor put it to me, "No one is lining up to dress Melissa McCarthy."

• The world is an ugly place.

Molly Young has written about fashion for GQ and New York magazine. She is the senior contributor to This Recording. You can find her twitter here and her tumblr here. You can find an archive of her writing on This Recording here. She last wrote in these pages about living in New York.

In Which We Tell You How To Live Your Life

A Few Things You Need To Know About Living In New York

by MOLLY YOUNG

Living in New York? Me too. Here is a pocket list of information that may aid you in your quest to take a bite out of the big apple.

Good luck.

Things you will spend money on

Coffee

Laundry

Things you won't spend money on

Gas

Things you will accumulate

Cheap umbrellas

Plastic cutlery

Tote bags

Things you will not have inside your apartment

Clean towels

A kitchen counter

Stairs

Interesting-shaped windows

Subway etiquette #1

Don't trim your nails on the subway.

Social warning #1

Low-income smokers in New York spend 25 percent of their income on cigarettes. Try to quit smoking.

Taxi cabs

Why are you taking a cab? The subway is faster and cheaper.

But okay. The main thing to remember with cabs is this: after you hail your cab, be sure to climb inside before directing the driver to your destination, especially if you are going to a different borough. If you stand outside and meekly suggest your outer-borough destination, the driver will simply shake his head and drive off.

This is crazy. You're a paying customer! You should not need to audition for a cab. It is also unlawful: drivers can be fined $500 for refusing to ferry customers from one part of the city to another part of the city. So get in the cab first and then tell the driver where you want to go.

Do not undertip.

Common sights you will see

Squashed rat

Bottle filled with pee

Mysteriously tiny drug bag (why is it so small?)

Social warning #2

Melodrama wrapped in sophistication is still melodrama.

Social warning #3

Your crackpot radar needs to grow exquisitely refined. This applies to strangers, obviously, but it also applies to acquaintances. Living in any large city means that your social circle grows exponentially, which in turn brings about a statistical increase in the likelihood of encountering iffy types.

Designer juice

Don’t be ridiculous. Unless you are pulling in more than 500K after taxes, you do not have $10 to spend on a bottle of juice.

Subway etiquette #2

SCENE: A man leans against a subway pole on a crowded 2 train at 4 p.m.

Woman: This pole isn’t for you to lean on. It’s for people to hold on to.

Man: Is there a sign that says that? You see a sign?

Woman: I don’t HAVE to. It’s a crowded train. Stand up like a man.

Man: Woman, don’t loud-talk me.

Woman: YOU ARE A WEAK MAN. I CAN SEE IT.

END SCENE.

God, don't let this happen to you. Avoid leaning on the pole.

Subway etiquette #3

Situation: A train pulls into the station. It is packed except for one car, which is curiously empty. Do not board the empty car. It is empty because something truly terrible has happened there.

Social warning #4

Learn to say "no".

Coming soon: Part II.

Nobody died and made Molly Young expert. She writes for GQ and New York magazine. She is the senior contributor to This Recording. You can find her Twitter here and her tumblr here.