In Which We Would Prefer This Happen Another Time

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

How long should you wait before explaining your feelings to a woman who recently got out of a long term relationship?

Before my friend Ava went away to the Peace Corps in Africa, we talked about maybe starting to date. She met someone over there and although we exchanged a few e-mails, I was pretty bummed about it. Now she's back in the U.S. and her facebook says she's single. Is it too soon to ask her if she's interested in picking up where we left off?

Timothy E.

Timothy,

You should never ask someone for something that you could just as well start doing in order to know her answer. If you want to go on a date with Ava, by all means offer to take her on one. If you wait, there's a fairly good chance someone else will get there first, given her magnetic personality and propensity for world travel. 

It is probably best to recreate the circumstances of her initial attraction to you, however. If you come on too strong it feels preordained. Try reconnecting with her again and slowly begin suggesting she rely on your affection. Next stop: codependence!

The real risk is in becoming a shoulder to cry on. Do not console her about her past relationship, unless it is in insightful cracks about the size of the guy's dick or what a dick he was. Make it seem like you were living your own life while she was gone: although let's face it, you weren't.

Hi,

I get along super-well with a guy I work with named Yan. I'm not really the type to approach a guy, but we have such a great connection and really lean on each other in workplace social settings. He's been really helpful in my career as well for a number of reasons. 

To me it would be worth risking our work friendship if it led to something more. I'm having a hard time thinking of a way that I can find out if Yan is interested in becoming something more without changing the way we interact with one another. Do you have any ideas?

Jennifer G.

Dear Jennifer,

If Yan is doing you all these good turns, it is quite likely he feels the same way. I wouldn't be that nice to someone unless they honored me with their massive fortune.

Getting him to make the move should be easy. Just hang out as friends. Eventually, any man will begin to develop feelings for you. Drop classic, time-honored lines like, "Yan, you're such a wonderful friend." "You would be a great boyfriend for someone — not me, I just mean a hypothetical other woman." Deep in the recesses of his animal brain, he will start to say to himself, I have done everything for this woman. There must be a reason. 

If necessary, invent a fictional, long-distance boyfriend who is really wanting to see Doctor Strange. Then give me his number.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Have An Excuse Ready For You At All Times

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

My daughter Jessica is two years old. Recently, we've made an arrangement with another couple in the building that also has a child around the same age named Theo, e.g. he will come over to our home and vice versa on certain days. 

Theo's parents are wonderful, educated people. They are very focused on teaching him all sorts of things. A recent lesson I walked on concerned me, though, as it did not seem terribly age appropriate. Theo's mother was explaining the historical plight of the Jewish people to the kids. Maybe they can't process it at this age, anyway, but I'm not sure I want my daughter hearing about this stuff without me present. 

Am I crazy, and is it all right to say something to Theo's mother about that?

Janet S.

Janet,

Ideally you would just be near your daughter at all times to mitigate what Theo's mother is saying. "Many other minority groups faced similar discrimination!" you could crow as a kind of victory lap. I don't know what you think you are protecting your daughter from, but she lives in the world. Lots of stuff will happen to her that she can't control. I mean, who knows, in a decade she could be referred to as a member of the Trump generation. 

If you want to give her a different narrative to latch onto, consider the work of the Catholic writer Garry Wills. I believe he does a fantastic set of flash cards.

Hi,

I have been dating this guy I will call Nate for around five months. He is very difficult to make plans with and will often want to do things on the spur of the moment. I am the type of person who needs to know where I am going to be and what I am going to be doing at all times. At first it was nice to be around someone capable of spontaneity, but recently Nate and I have gotten in fights because he claims I don't make him a priority, like I should be waiting by the phone for him to call?

Is this a fundamental lack of compatibility or is there something we can do to make this work?

Ilana W.

Dear Ilana,

I think probably you just need to think of better excuses. When you tell Nate that you can't do something that he suggests, here are some foolproof ways to get out of that activity without hurting this man-boy's feelings:

- it's the mensies oops

- I have a strigoi in my hymen ("feel better honey")

- I'm going to see a local production of The Cherry Orchard. Would you like to come?

- I have to work on a long research project that could be a useful excuse for the next six months

- Actually, it's Uncle Vanya. Still want to come?

- I want you so much. But like, not at this time.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Are Completely Honest With Everyone

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I recently got out of a nine month relationship that was really intense and satisfying. Unfortunately she had to move to Seattle for work, and my own job and my family are keeping me here in Boston. We decided we don't want to ruin what we have by trying to make it work at such a long distance. 

A month or two has passed since my ex moved, and she has now been contacting me (we said we wouldn't do this). She is having some trouble making friends in her new city so she frequently calls or texts if she finds herself alone. I don't know how to deal with this: I do still have feelings for her, but I was a bit upset she would want to stop seeing me in the first place - she had a good job here and I wouldn't have done the same thing. 

She is locked into her contract until mid-2017, and I don't know if I really want to go through this until then. There was a reason we decided long distance wouldn't work, right? How should I handle her apparent change of heart?

Joe P.

Joe,

We all make mistakes, although some people are more prone to making them than others. The fact that she put her career before you is no big whoop, since it's not like you sound particularly committed to this woman. If you were, believe me you would be ecstatic, not disappointed to hear from her. 

On the other hand, it sounds like you were hurt in this process and you should take some time to get over that pain before arriving at a firm decision about how you should react to your ex's current behavior. But how to create the space you desperately need to evaluate things dispassionately? Just tell her you lost your phone. 

I am kidding, this is the rare time you will ever hear me advising anyone to tell the truth, which is usually painful and nuncupatory. You will have to expose your true feelings and it is best to request a discrete period of time before reporting your findings. 

In the end, you will probably find that this angry decision is what is best: you can't hang around and be the outlet for your ex's predictable sadsies for the next year. If you want, visit her at some point, have sex, and see if you want to flee back to Boston on the next train. If you don't, maybe it is worth the occasional drunk dial to keep this person in your life.

NB: The intercourse during your reunion should be tender yet opaque. Afterwards, light incense that smells of rosemary and penitent coquettishness.

Hi,

I have been dating my girlfriend Kelly for about five months. When she is at home in Georgia, Kelly attends a conservative church with her family. She is new to the city that I live in, and she recently found a church that she is comfortable with here. 

At first it was, "Please come to church with me." If I did, she was happy. Now, if I say that I don't feel like or even if I have a plausible excuse, she is very disappointed. I don't want to make her unhappy but I'm not a believer and I don't see myself in church every Sunday. Once in awhile it's fine. 

Is there any way to ameliorate this problem?

 Jean R.

Dear Jean,

Yes. First, start going to church every Sunday. Explain it is not as bad as you thought, and express how much you are enjoying it. Maybe attend a social function; Christians love pot roast as well as a number of vegetarian options. 

Next, you'll want to firm up an ironclad obligation that will suddenly prevent you from going to church 90 percent of the time. Here are some possible reasons you aren't available on Sunday mornings for this special time with Kelly: professional development, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, you're training for a marathon and it's the only time your team can practice, your mother is in town that day... You see how flimsy these excuses are starting to seem?

You better have a damn good reason. Your next best option is to find a church with a shorter service.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.