In Which We Drank Too Much You Know What We Are Like

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

For the first eight months of my relationship with Sandra, everything was perfect. Our first problems emerged then – Sandra complained that I wasn't as attentive to her as I had been in the past. I have tried to rectify this, but I still don't think that a relationship is going to be the same at eight months as it is when you are first discovering each other.

It bothers me that I am being held to what I feel is an impossible, or at least difficult standard. I struggle to communicate this to Sandra. What should I say to her?

Mark S.

Mark,

If the issue is that Sandra's expectations for you are too much, then the answer is to surely lower her expectations. Casually show her movies where the protagonist's boyfriend is something of a dick. Offer to compensate a close friend and his wife for striking each other in front of Sandra. Soon she will realize she is with the man of her dreams. 

In reality, what Sandra is explaining to you is merely a symptom of a larger disease. You are not making her happy any longer. You should think carefully about what you may have said or done that would give her this impression, because what you are experiencing right now is the canary in the coal mine. When the canary dies, no one even bothers disposing of its corpse. They just leave the mine. 

Hi,

How much of yourself should you display to the other person on a first date? 

I have been receiving some completely contradictory advice on this topic. One of my friends says I should just be myself, since if he's not interested in that, how will we ever be together down the road? My mom advises me to keep it sparse and create an air of mystery and intrigue. 

Who is right?

Nell R.

Dear Nell,

When a plumber selects a tool to repair the waterworks, he never uses the same one for every job. Actually, maybe he does, and I wish a plumber had an advice column. I would have so many questions for him, like where does sewage go, and does he like Ed Sheeran?

My first point was best. Sometimes you meet a guy and you'll want to be open and honest. Other times it is best to make him work for things. More often you will want to use the latter approach. The problem is that your senses as to when you should employ each method could be very off. 

If you detect your instincts are askew, every so often go against them. Note the results. In either case, you will probably not want to show all of yourself on a first date, which is a very different thing from "being yourself." You should only be completely honest if you are factually a super-attractive person, inside and out. If you watch a lot of Bravo, maybe don't lead with that.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which What Happens After They Broke Up Haunts Them

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

My ex-boyfriend Rob and I broke up because it wasn't financially viable for either of us to travel the distance to see each other all the time. Rob moved to a different area in early September. I know through facebook that he has dated other people the year after we broke up, which is not surprising. The women he was with were very beautiful and it kinda makes me feel a little insecure.

Because of his move, Rob has been trying to get in touch with me, saying he wants to see if we still have a connection now that circumstances have changed. I'm really conflicted about what I should do. I really like Rob, but at the time I felt like he could have done more to make things work, even though both of us agreed the obstacles to a real relationship were many.

On the other hand, I don't want to be unreasonable. We had great physical chemistry and it's not like anything really terrible happened. I just feel like we had our chance. Am I being stupid?

Jane W.

Jane,

Rob sounds like a total asshole. You mean he actually dated people and they were — gasp! — attractive human beings. Where did he get the idea this was okay?

It's actually a good sign that Rob was dating superficially attractive women, because it means he was likely not bonding with them on the interpersonal level that you were. You really get Rob, and you have a lot in common, I mean probably.

Breaking things off with Rob instead of demanding more was the strongest move you could have made. Now you are openly in the catbird seat. If you really want toy with him more, ask him to meet up just as friends. At this point he will be ravenous with desire. Then, explain some of the difficulties you had in the relationship. He will insist they were nothing and offer ways to correct him. By the end of this encounter, you will have his balls in a vice. He will no longer be able to procreate with you, but perhaps that is for the best. Do you really want to be the soccer mom to a Rob Jr.?

Hi,

Over the past few weeks, I have really been connecting with a girl on Tinder. We have so much in common, and we talk on the phone frequently. Right now she is away for the first part of the semester, but in a little over a month, she will be on campus and we've made all kinds of plans about the time we want to spend together.

Recently, however, I learned that she is a fairly hardcore conservative and will be voting for Donald Trump in the election. We have yet to really talk about politics. She is from a conservative family and they are all supporting Trump. I don't know if there is pressure on her to do so as well, but I find this pretty troubling.

Should I tell her why I feel uncomfortable moving things forward, ask her about her choice, or just forget about this potential relationship?

Davis R.

Dear Davis,

It sounds like you're worried that voting for Trump could be communicable.

At some point in life you're going to have to accept that other human beings do things for different reasons than you do. There are plenty of valid reasons that someone could vote for Donald Trump:

— they are related to that Secret Service agent that Hillary Clinton made eat out of a trough in her Chappaqua barn

— they owe money to Jared Kushner

— they are the inventors of the "Stop & Frisk" policy

— they love the creation of new adverbs

— they are Catholics

— they need a heat-check on potential boyfriends to see which ones aren't completely superficial know-it-alls

Maybe this young woman is actually testing you, and will be voting for Gary Johnson. After you leave college, someday you will understand that a person's political preferences don't describe their entire story. If you haven't sensed that this woman is an outright racist, you should probably get to know her before dismissing her. Plus, she might have useful connections in the Secret Service.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Lasted A Whole Lot Longer Than You Did

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My wife and I have been friends with another couple, who I will call Jean and Greg, for a few years. We all enjoy spending time together. My wife recently told me that Jean has informed her the two are having some problems and Jean met someone else. Jean is unsure whether to leave Greg or cut this other guy out of her life.

After talking to Greg casually about the issue and offering my ear if he wanted it, he opened up to me. It's obvious he has no idea what is actually going on and only knows what Jean told him. I want to tell Greg the truth, since I am not a very good liar. Also, if he finds out later on that I knew, I fear losing him as a friend.

My wife isn't going to care what I do either way, and I feel more loyal to Greg in this situation. I know getting involved could mean we lose Jean and Greg as friends, but I think that might be worth the trouble. What should I do?

Max B.

Max,

It is possibly, but not likely, than you know everything about the life that Jean and Greg had. We often make the mistake of thinking we know what is going on in a relationship, but it is very, very easy to mistake the symptom for a cause.

I had a friend whose girlfriend was frequently quite mean to him in public. Many people commented about how she acted, but it turned out that my "friend" was actually quite disgusting to her in private. Did this justify her behavior? Absolutely.

It is also completely in the realm of possibility that Greg knows about this other guy, but he is hiding it from you to save face. Or maybe it is not just of any concern to him, since he knows that the real problems in his relationship aren't going to be solved by eliminating a rival.

Even if you tell Greg the truth, he is probably going to hate you for it. If you really want to retain him as a friend, lie and tell him you knew nothing about it when the time comes.

Hi,

I have been with my girlfriend Nancy for the past four years. We have shared a lot together, and helped each other through so much, and I truly love and respect her as my partner and a human being.

Nancy was married before so it's not something she has a great deal of interest in at this time. We do live together and share expenses. She recently broached the concept of having children. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I did not want to have kids if we were not going to get married. Then I wasn't even sure if I wanted that.

I don't know if my doubts about the relationship now are just because Nancy's idea about children made me think of things in a new light, or perhaps I am just getting committment jitters. I don't know how to interpret what I am going through. I love Nancy, but I also don't like the idea of never being with anyone else.

Armin P.

Dear Armin,

You realized that having children with Nancy means that it would be very difficult to bail out of the relationship later on.

If you wanted all these things with her, you would know it. You would be building a crib and convincing her to marry you. There is no woman who is in that kind of love who would really resist marriage if it were put to her in a correct way. It was a happy thing for you that she was not super-pushy about the future, since you did not actually envision a future with her.

Four years is a long time, but it could be a lot worse. Nancy could have adopted a whole legion of children, stopped doing whatever it was to your butt you enjoyed so much a decade ago, filed for divorce, and found out about your affair with Marion Cotillard.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.