In Which Molls Advises No Martinis, Manicures Or Pillow Fights

Plz Advise

by MOLLY MCALEER

Plz Advise is an advice column. You can e-mail me questions about almost anything, but don’t like, take out a loan against your 401k or murder anyone based on anything I say. I'm not a doctor, duh. E-mail your questions to plzadviseme@gmail.com and keep them under 150 words.

Molls,

I'm a freshman in college and right off the bat I became good friends with one of my profs who is in her 30s. She doesn't fit the stereotype of the typical Christian College professor, which is what made me want to be her friend. At first, was really interesting and fun to hangout with her, but lately it’s turned more into her trying to "mommy" me and its annoying for 2 reasons.

1. I feel like she acts like that only because she knows I lost my mom a couple years ago and so she thinks she can be the replacement of my dead mommy. (Uhh no thanks.) and

2. She calls me names like "missy" and "kiddo."

Basically, how do I get her to stop playing the mommy card?

Christine

Not to alienate you, but everything you’ve just explained to me is seriously bizarre.

I went to a pretty conservative (Catholic!) university myself, and while I was friendly with several of my professors, I would have never called them my friends. You can grab a beer (one beer) with them after class, you can go to their house for dinner or you can chat with them in the quad about what a pain your roommate is or how much you miss your friends back home. That’s about it. No pet names, no martinis and manicures, no pillow fights.

You need to take ownership of the fact that you started an inappropriate relationship with someone who is supposed to be your superior. Even with the coolest, most laid-back and non-authoritative types, you need to respect the fact that you’re paying a lot of money to have this person teach and grade you. Maybe when the class is over you can strike up some sort of more personal relationship, but while someone’s in control of your grades, there is no friendship.

Not all of this is your fault. This woman sounds like she has no sense of boundaries herself. Just because someone is certified to teach does not mean they are a good/safe person and it definitely doesn’t mean that they’re rational. However, she has control over a part of your life that I’d guess you care a lot about, so you need to suck it up and deal.

Once her class is over, treat her like a dude you don’t want to hook up with anymore. Answer every third e-mail or phone call and be short and sweet in your tone, while also making it clear that you’re not suffering without her. She’ll figure out that you don’t need to be saved and that her efforts to do so were not appreciated.

If that makes her dislike you, whatever. I’m sure there are plenty of other professors at your school and if there’s not, then transfer the hell out of that crazy-ass place.

Also, talk to the other students, girl. Statistically, several of your classmates have also lost a parent, so you’re not as alone as you may think.

Molls,

My girlfriend went traveling and met someone. Apparently they connected. To which I am very jealous. She is going back to see this other chick in June, also she wants a polygamous relationship, but I don't think I feel comfortable with it. I really love her and want us to be together. What should I do?

Lainey

If it were me, I would put a lit cigarette out on my girlfriend’s face and say, “Do you like the way that feels, you fucking whore? That’s what you’re doing to my heart, but multiplied by ten. Have fun living your new faux-Mormon lifestyle, you insane bitch.”

I’m single.

I know that we’re all supposed to be down with polyamorous relationships because everyone’s cynical about love and mad fluid these days, but I’m an old-fashioned girl. Thinking about someone that I love being sexual (or even emotional) with someone else makes me experience every negative emotion at once. It sounds like you might be that way too.

Just like she can’t make you be comfortable with the idea of her getting with multiple people and keeping you on the side like Eva Mendes in Training Day, you can’t teach someone the kind of physical and emotional loyalty that you’re looking for. Seems to me that your relationship as you once knew it is already over.

From what I’m told, there are other people out there who still really believe in the idea of monogamy, so maybe cut this chick loose regardless of how difficult it feels and take some time for yourself before seeking out a partner who’s a better fit.

Time to dust off the Fiona Apple CDs, lady.

Molls,

A friend from college really wants to keep in touch, but every time we end up talking on the phone she criticizes the choices I've made since leaving school and expresses doubt that I'm doing my best to get where I want to be in life. I know she doesn't mean to hurt my feelings, but it's becoming a real pain in the ass to talk to her. Should I make her happy by continuing to talk to her, or slowly eradicate her from my life?

Marie

Are you making poor decisions with your life? Do you complain about your life to her and then she goes into concerned friend mode? If that’s how it is, you need to either not complain to her or get your shit together. Otherwise, the girl needs to fuck off and I’ll tell you how to get that process started.

Placate her. When she starts up with the “Here’s what you need to do to get your life in order,” stuff, just be like, “Great, awesome. Thank you,” and then after five more minutes of polite conversation say, “Well, I’ve got some stuff to do, so I’m going to let you go.”

When she calls you again, do the same thing, but be even shorter with her. Keep this up until she’s under the impression that you’re just too busy for any of her bullshit and then eventually she’ll stop calling. If she ever tries to guilt trip you, just send a one line e-mail like, “Sorry, girl! Guess all that talk about me being the best version of myself paid off! Just been busy! Hope you’re well!”

Sure, this is a two-faced way of dealing with a person, but it sounds like this girl has five faces, so feel free to try and catch up. Plus, unleashing the whole, “listen, you need to back off because I’m doing me”-thing on an unstable person who feels the need to micromanage your life is a really great way to get them to never go away.

You should never feel the need to keep someone in your life who brings you down, regardless of how you think it will make them feel. The world is full of soul-sucking assholes who have nothing better to do than meddle in other people’s so-called problems, but it’s also full of kind, proactive and generous types. Cut through that human rainforest with your machete, girl. This chick is a pebble you step upon, and if she ever comes to you asking for a sip of water, offer to spit in her mouth.

Molly McAleer is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She twitters here. You can find her website here. She is the co-founder of Hello Giggles.

Photographs by Jennifer Nies.

Experience the Short But Vital History of Plz Advise

Plz Advise #1: Guidelines for Twitter Romance

Plz Advise #2: Everytime You Go Away

Plz Advise #3: How to Make Friends And Influence Bloggers

Plz Advise #4: More Of A Bro Than You Thought

Plz Advise #5: Martini Time

Plz Advise #6: A General Lack of Self-Awareness

Plz Advise #7: Dump Your Boyfriends

Plz Advise #8: Advice To Keep Close At Hand

"Inglorious" - Tyler, the Creator (mp3)

"Just A Friendly Game Of Baseball" - Main Source (mp3)

"Never Is A Promise" - Fiona Apple (mp3)

In Which Molls Will Date Someone With Many Disadvantages

Plz Advise

by MOLLY MCALEER

Plz Advise is an advice column. You can e-mail me questions about almost anything, but don’t like, take out a loan against your 401k or murder anyone based on anything I say. I'm not a doctor, duh. E-mail your questions to plzadviseme@gmail.com and keep them under 150 words.

Molls,

Recently, after working together and being friends for a few years, my best guy friend suddenly asked me if I liked him and informed me that he likes me. Is it worth risking a great friendship to see if it could be something more? I do like him, but I am happy being single and was not looking for any kind of relationship with him or anyone else. I am worried that if things don't work out then it will always be awkward between us and I don't know if it's worth it to lose one of my best friends. Also, I am not exactly crazy about the idea of a relationship with a coworker.

Lizzie

Don’t do it. It sounds like you’re not in a position to be dating, and if that’s the case, than the last person you want to test your limits on is someone that you respect, love and have to maintain a professional relationship with. You’re asking me, and in my world, work is just as important as friendship, maybe even more depending on the type of friend and how badly you want to succeed.

Do the easiest hard thing and tell him that, while you do think he’s cool/attractive/whatever, you’d hate to screw up your friendship and working environment to test out something you’re already pretty sure you’re incapable of doing right now. Do it today. Do it before you let him go another day wondering what could be and do it to his face. If he’s the immature type (which is what I’m getting from the whole, “I like you, do you like me?” thing,) don’t tell him there’s a chance you’ll change your mind over time. If you think he can handle that sort of qualification, throw it out there with zero promises attached. And maybe don't go drinking with him.

This dude’s not going to go anywhere, but hopefully your career will. Fingers crossed that he doesn’t turn into a psycho who can’t handle your fair, honest and polite rejection.

Molls,

A friend of mine recently became engaged and subsequently married. We had been out of touch for a little while, and while I wouldn't have been surprised to be invited to the wedding, which was in New York where I live and not in L.A. where she lives, I wasn't invited. No big deal - she knows that I would have trouble affording a gift anyway and it's not like we had stayed close. The problem is that every time I log onto Facebook, I see some new thing from the wedding or honeymoon. It's literally been two straight months of content from their wedding and it makes me feel bad. I don't wish them any harm, but is it bad form to unfriend her and her husband and possibly take out a contract on her life?

Ellie

Girl, ready for me to change your life? Go to your Facebook newsfeed. Find the most recent post about her dumbass wedding and run your mouse over it. A little “X” will appear in the upper right hand corner of the post. Click on it. A menu will pop up and there are three options: “Hide this post,” “Hide all posts by Silly Bitch (or whatever her name is,)” and “Mark as spam.”

If you’re feeling cheeky, mark that shit as spam. If you’ve taken a deep breath and put things into perspective, click the “Hide all posts” option. That’s it, boo. She’s gone from your feed and you don’t have to be the petty person who deletes friends on Facebook.

Also, reading your Facebook feed is for perverts, gossips and high schoolers. You might want to consider stopping all together. Not knowing what annoying people are up to is power.

Molls,

I'm a Facebook-less, 21-year-old, male, Education major, type O+, 6'5'' guy at Ohio State. About six months ago I broke up with a girl I was practically married to for four and a half years (too many hand jobs). In other words: I am experiencing females for the first time. Granted, I had a great time constantly getting drunk and stoned with friends and re-evaluating life for a few months from my couch, I'd prefer to become a functional member of society again. My problem is that I'm not a Bro and, it turns out, girls my age love Bros. I'm a pretty self-aware, outgoing person, but lose it when I encounter a girl - ESPECIALLY the interesting, attractive, confident type of girl I am drawn to. In no way am I trying to find myself in a relationship; I totally enjoy my own company and don't need a relationship to be happy, but I should obviously start getting my shit together. Ideas?

Jason

Did you seriously dump a girl you were practically married to because you were only getting handy action? Damn. Maybe you’re more of a “bro” than you thought.

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re a kind of sensitive and quiet dude who’s not getting any play because you’re not traditionally good-looking or confident despite the fact that you’re not traditionally good-looking. (Straight-up gnarly dudes can reel in poon like freakin' marlin if they have swagger.) Maybe you have unusual interests or dress in a different style than your peers. Either way, you have to work on the confidence thing, if not so you can “get it in,” so that you can be a champion. I always think that bordering on straight-up arrogance is the way to go through life. Regardless of what anyone will tell you, no one’s that into people who are humble. Ask Kanye. I’m not saying you should be a jerk or something, but no one’s going to give you credit if you don’t give yourself credit.

Don't let your current situation freak you out about the future. The most desirable dudes I know couldn’t get action in high school or college to save their lives. People love act like kids go to college to find their soul mate, but they don’t. They’re there to learn some stuff, drink beer and set themselves up for a job in the real world. That usually means that the hook-ups are casual and based on stuff like looks and who has access to alcohol/a roommate that doesn’t mind if you have sex while they’re “sleeping” in the same room.

Not getting laid in college doesn’t mean you’re not going to get laid once you’re out of college or that you won’t be the first one of your friends to score an awesome chick whom you can get with regularly once most of the superficial fraternizing is out of the way. As a single lady who’s more than a couple years older than you, I can tell you first hand that pretty much all I’m looking for in a dude is someone who meets my definition of the word normal, likes most of the same stuff I do and will give me the longest leash possible. I would maybe marry a dude with a cleft palate and a stutter if he is supportive, likes The Police and shuts up and leaves me alone upon request.

To review:

1) Call your ex-girlfriend and tell her you respect her for being true to herself and not doing something that makes her uncomfortable because you ditched her, you bro.

2) Get confident, even if you have to fake it until you believe it,

3) Keep all the things you like about yourself intact. You’ll either find someone who likes those things about you too, or you’ll get comfortable enough to pull an Aniston and move to Malibu and get five dogs,

4) Chill the fuck out. Like, in general.

5) I'll date a dude who's practically handicapped.

Molly McAleer is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She twitters here. You can find her website here.

Photographs by Jennifer Nies.

Experience the Short But Vital History of Plz Advise

Plz Advise #1: Guidelines for Twitter Romance

Plz Advise #2: Everytime You Go Away

Plz Advise #3: How to Make Friends And Influence Bloggers

Plz Advise #4: More Of A Bro Than You Thought

Plz Advise #5: Martini Time

Plz Advise #6: A General Lack of Self-Awareness

Plz Advise #7: Dump Your Boyfriends

Plz Advise #8: Advice To Keep Close At Hand

"That's My Attitude" - Trina (mp3)

"Friends" - The Toasters (mp3)

"Can't Touch Me No More" - Tanya Stephens (mp3)

In Which Molls Teaches You To Be A People Person

Plz Advise

by MOLLY MCALEER

Plz Advise is an advice column. You can e-mail me questions about almost anything, but don’t like, take out a loan against your 401k or murder anyone based on anything I say. I'm not a doctor, duh. E-mail your questions to plzadviseme@gmail.com, and please keep them to 100 words or less.

Dear Molly,

How do you forget someone? How can I catalyze the beginning of this process? He's an opiate addict and a general emotional fuckwit, but I'm eternally pining for the person he used to be. Please help me stop this obsessive depression before I go insane.

Kara

Oh, you have a problem with opiate addicts? I would normally suggest just taking a shitload of opiates and going to bed as soon as you’re done with work so you don’t have to actually face any real hours of the day (work should keep you busy enough to not think about him, right?) but it sounds like you might frown upon that sort of behavior. Damn, girl!

Turn to your friends, good books and physical activity. Friends will keep you laughing, books will distract you and physical activity will keep you sexier than him.

I don’t know if you’re normally the kind of person that does creative things in your work and free time, but I always find that I experience the biggest rushes of creative energy after a break-up. In fact, the best work that I’ve ever done has been a direct result of losing love. I think that might be why all the best songs ever are about heartbreak.

Use this time to write a lot, paint, make videos or sing, whatever creative thing it is that you can think of that would make you happy. Maybe it’s knitting or something; it’s different for everyone. Keep your mind and hands busy with something that will give you a positive end result. When you’re done, you’ll be reminded of your own worth and how fine you are without a sad addict dragging you down.  Maybe it will even lead you to the next big thing.

Molls,

I'm not much of a people person and would like to change that. It's not like I'm crazy lonely or anything, I'm engaged and I have a couple really close friends that are like sisters to me but I am extremely closed off to most people.  I'm just naturally real quiet and I don't like to intrude, but I'd really like some advice on how to start a friendly conversation or make more friends in general. Any ideas?

Liv

Yo! I am still figuring this one out myself. I get so shy in certain social situations and stick mostly to my same group of friends. My roommate, however, is really nice and she just came home a little drunk from a date with a guy named Plain Larry, so I’ll just transcribe what she had to say about this:

“Um, I can’t believe you’re typing right now. This is generally totally an adult question and it’s like, wait, you can’t keep typing… This is totally something that you have to learn for yourself and that sounds totally bitchy and like, mean, but it’s like… Find your own way to connect to people and you can’t ask for advice for that kind of shit. Some people sit at bars, some people find a chat room on the Internet and say, ‘Hey, let’s meet up.’ Some people find people at the dog park! You have to find your own way first and it will lead to other people. You have to find out what you like first. If you like to sit at a bar, you will find other people who like to sit at the bar. You can think of the weirdest thing in the world and other people will like to do it. Also, everybody’s lonely. Especially in L.A. Is this girl in L.A.? I feel for her if she’s in L.A. and she’s thinking about making friends because it fucking blows. You know what? Tell her to move to New York City or take herself out of her comfort zone. Like, you know, that’s always good for a laugh.”

Molly McAleer is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She twitters here. You can find her website here. You can find past editions of Plz Advise by clicking here.

Photographs by Jennifer Nies.

"Close To You" - Maxi Priest (mp3)

"Close to Modern" - French Kicks (mp3)

"Too Close" - Next (mp3)

Experience the Short But Vital History of Plz Advise

Plz Advise #1: Guidelines for Twitter Romance

Plz Advise #2: Everytime You Go Away

Plz Advise #3: How to Make Friends And Influence Bloggers

Plz Advise #4: More Of A Bro Than You Thought

Plz Advise #5: Martini Time

Plz Advise #6: A General Lack of Self-Awareness

Plz Advise #7: Dump Your Boyfriends

Plz Advise #8: Advice To Keep Close At Hand